Upsetting Day: Talking For Two (Patreon)

This is going to be difficult to hear, but I’ve found a ventriloquism romance novel. Before you get too upset, you need to know it gets worse. It’s a Christian ventriloquism romance novel. It’s about two people who just want to use the gift of ventriloquism to honor God, considering chaste kissing. Now, I know you’re going to be hoping this follows the hotdog rule of “where there are puppets, there is murder.” The cover of the book really makes it look like there will be murder, but I have to tell you, this is the one book where the puppet absolutely does not come to life and commit crimes. I’m so sorry.

The writer of Talking for Two, Wanda E. Brunstetter, is considered Amish country’s most beloved storyteller. She’s one of the inventors of the Amish romance genre; she’s sold more than 10 million books and published her first one at age 60, so put some respect on Wanda’s name. This woman is a titan of the publishing industry. She writes on an Amish farm worker's schedule, sometimes putting out four books per year, touring, and doing speaking engagements at age 80.

Wanda might also be a genre writing genius. If you made this book shot for shot with only minor tweaks to the acting choices, you could have either the greatest comedy or horror novel of all time. What is it like to watch two people earnestly fall in love over a ventriloquist dummy? Let’s get into it. We open with our protagonist, Tabby. Her biggest problem in life is that her sister is simply too hot. Her sister's hotness has ruined her.

Tabby has a severe stutter but only when she’s speaking to someone she’s uncomfortable with. When she’s with her best friend, Donna, or the children they supervise at Caring Christina Day Care, she doesn’t stutter at all. The book introduces Tabby with a puppet routine she’s doing for the kids at her work. Her romantic hero, Seth, is introduced at the ventriloquist dummy shop that he owns, where he’s busy admiring another man.

So the male lead of this romance novel is sort of a Howdy Doody type. Great. Perfect. Seth, who is definitely not a ventriloquist dummy brought to life, made a commitment to serve God with his ventriloquism talents when he was a teenager. He also asked God for someone to share his life and talent with, but so far, there have been absolutely no takers. God is powerful, but not powerful enough to make a woman love a ventriloquist, UNLESS that woman has absolutely no self-esteem and is literally too shy to function. Enter, our heroine!

By the way, Lois is genuinely a terrible person. The first time we meet her she basically kicks in the door to Tabby’s apartment and announces, “It’s me, the one-dimensional, non-Christian villain of this book.” She shows up at her sister's home to brag that she’s engaged to a rich man whom she does not love. She calls her sister “Timid Tabitha” and “Shabby Tabby” and says she is “quickly turning into a dried up, mousy old maid.” Tabby is 25, by the way.

In order to build her confidence and prove to her family that she can be successful, Tabby decided to take a Christian puppetry class. Famously, parents loooove to brag when one of their kids becomes a Christian puppeteer. Fuck getting a doctorate; this plan is foolproof. Or it would be if the Christian puppeteering class weren’t full, leaving Tabby to attend the less popular Christian ventriloquism class. Tabby is instantly terrified of Seth, as she is of all people (not because of the ventriloquism), but she’s finally able to speak to him through his ventriloquism doll, Rudy Right.

Through the power of ventriloquism, Tabby manages to start talking without a stutter sometimes. I think it’s important to point out that Tabby’s parents sent her to a bunch of speech therapists when she was a kid, who determined that nothing was wrong with her except she had low self-esteem. Somehow, ventriloquism fills her with self-esteem like spinach fills Popeye the Sailor Man with strength. Sorry, I said ventriloquism, but this book almost never calls it that. It’s called "Talking for Two, " and no book has ever used the title more in the book. Here are just a few examples:

The only real obstacle to Tabby and Seth’s relationship is Tabby’s complete inability to speak with Seth when a ventriloquist doll isn’t present. Donna buys her a gift certificate for a dummy from Seth’s shop for her birthday, and when she buys it, Seth asks her out, but things get off to a rough start when Tabby tries to bring the dummy on the date, and Seth is like, “That’s weird even for ME, girl. I am a ventriloquism freak, and even I am not going to do that.” When Donna and Seth both gently try to talk her out of her freaky little dummy date, Tabby flies into a rage.

When Tabby isn’t shouting, she’s crying; when she isn’t crying, she’s thinking about Jesus, and when she isn’t thinking about Jesus, she’s doing ventriloquism. That’s all of her personality. A date is simply too much for Timid Tabby, so instead, Seth offers her private ventriloquism lessons. And yeah, this is a Christian book, but Wanda has definitely written in some sexual tension for the dummies.

I don’t know how she does it, but all of the dummy scenes are absolutely stuffed with the same verbiage smut authors use to describe dragon penetration. Trust me, I would know. Slit, hard, stick, trembling, it’s all there, and it’s always in the ventriloquism scenes!

Seth is pretty determined to Frankenstein Tabby into the perfect ventriloquist wife. He keeps saying he wants to “make her” into his perfect woman. He even has lunch with Donna to try to find out what her deal is and how he can get her to stop being so shy. Donna fully supports her best friend being forced into ventriloquism, even though she’s terrified of crowds, because she is not a girls' girl.

Tabby sees Donna and Seth together and thinks that Seth is only interested in her to get to Donna because her self-esteem is so very low. She cries and screams at Donna, who clears the whole thing up for her, because it’s not Donna that Tabby should be worried about; it’s the sexy ventriloquist harlot named Cheryl and her slutty dummy talk!

Cheryl is another new female client at Seth's ventriloquism shop, and she already has everything Seth wants in a wife. She’s a confident, beautiful redhead, and her puppet has a stubborn little mouth. Seth often wonders why he doesn’t go after Cheryl since she’s already got all of the qualities he imagined in a wife, no assembly necessary, but he just finds himself trying to help Tabby over and over again even though she is a total weirdo who tried to bring a ventriloquist dummy on their first date, the only nationally recognized red flag.

Tabby is pushed into performing onstage by Seth and absolutely bombs, running offstage in tears. You start to wonder what the hell the climax of this book could possibly be if not performing on stage as a ventriloquist. Then Tabby goes to her sister's engagement party and finds out that Lois’s engagement is on the rocks. Huge win for our girl. She’s so thrilled by her sister's sadness that she manages to quote some bible verses without stuttering.

After celebrating her sister's devastation, Tabby heads home during a storm and sees a car with a young mother and her daughter blow out a tire and crash into a ravine. As a reader, you think, my Gawd, is this woman about to save someone's life with the power of ventriloquism? Yes. Yes, she is.

Tabby uses her ventriloquist dummy to keep the child in the car calm until the paramedics arrive. Her mother is breathing but unconscious, and only the mesmerizing power of ventriloquism can hypnotize the girl into remaining calm. Tabby did confidence all on her own, and all she needed was to see her sister cry! Oh, wait, also more faith in God, I guess. The answer was even more faith in God. She was only at like a 9 faith in God, and she needed to be at a 10 to unlock confidence powers.

Now Seth just needs to realize that he’s ok with Tabby being mortally shy and doesn’t want to change her. His darkest moment comes when that ventriloquism strumpet Cheryl tries to seduce him with her stubborn little mouth.

Tabby walks in on Seth in the evil clutches of Cheryl, who is seductively begging him for more ventriloquism lessons so she can win a talent show at the company where her father works. You’re a nepo baby, Cheryl! We all know you don’t need the extra lessons.

The old Tabby would have run away crying if she saw Seth and Cheryl together, but not new Tabby. New Tabby tells Cheryl to take a hike so Seth can fix her dummy that she dropped while saving a child's life. Then Seth tells new confident Tabby that God told her to be okay with how lame she is.

Of course, since it’s a Christian romance novel, it ends with a wedding, and since it’s this romance novel, it ends with two more references to the title in a row. I feel like someone told Wanda that no one calls ventriloquism “talking for two” and she wrote this entire book to make it a thing and prove them wrong.

This is all said as they are performing a ventriloquism routine at their wedding! Which happens before Lois’s wedding, by the way, and Tabby convinces Lois to attend church, AND THEN Lois is found dead with a series of suspiciously tiny bite marks. Christianity will not protect you from the horror of puppets. Did you really think there would be no murder, you fool? Heed the rules. Where there are puppets, there is always murder.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Patrick Herbst. Fun fact: Patrick's uncle was actually the real Pinocchio and Patrick told us that marionettes and ventriloquist dummies are enemies like vampires and werewolves.

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