Hot Dog Store: The CIA Doesn't Want You To Know About These Products (Patreon)

We have alarming news from the PoxCo Vault: The Secret Men have escaped. Permanently.

With the launch of The Secret Men Duxcast, their merchandise has been permanently declassified and released into the general population. This was not our decision.

Look, we were told the Vault was impenetrable. We were told it had twelve feet of reinforced concrete, and biometric locks, but none of that mattered because the Vault wasn’t designed to contain men of this caliber. No structure is. But while we are here, we might as well take a look at the most dangerous merch we’ve ever made.

The Official The Secret Men The Shirt is also the official uniform of an elite covert unit whose combined service record includes 900 confirmed missions, 1,400 unconfirmed missions, and an unknowable amount of missions so secret the numbers used to count them are classified.

The women’s cut version of the shirt has been field-tested in Moscow, Tokyo, and the Chilean depths of the Amazon Rain Forest. I can’t confirm this, officially of course, but someone wearing this shirt kicked a stopwatch so hard it recorded a negative time. Guinness refused to admit the record because they feared what it would do to track and field.

Some operations are too large for the human torso. This is your chance to get the complete declassified image in a way you can hang in your office, dojo, or panic room. This poster was authenticated by twelve separate governments, seven of which formed specifically to authenticate it. It contains more tactical information than the Pentagon, and we are selling it right now on this website!

These pint glasses allegedly hold sixteen ounces, because legally that’s as many as we are allowed to tell you about. Unofficially, these glasses can hold more liquid than exists on earth. We put it in an underground liquid holding tournament, and in the final round it bested a tanker ship.

That’s all for this week, I need to fix this vault door before we get another dick fight island situation going on here.

Please print out and destroy this page after purchasing everything on it.