Nerding Day: New Era Elements Tarot (Patreon)

I’ve got mail, from a reader! Awesome. Some writers fret over bombs or stalking, but I have an edge: being the crazy half of each exchange. Can you believe they left a return address? I know more about piss bombs than math. The smell says this is a civilian package.

Let's see what we've got.

A tarot deck?

Nah, I know where this goes. Nowhere. I'm a divination dead end. I have time cataracts. I make Polymarket users look like Polymarket investors. Consider my highlights:

Divination's just not for me, and that's okay. I'll settle for Santeria piss-hexes. Did you know that with just Poland Spring and some scissors, you can curse enemies to find their own piss-soaked hair? Truly the spirits are powerful and redolent.

Well, this deck does have classical elements on the back. I love Avatar, and card tricks sound more fun than watching Netflix choke it to death. That’s worth one quick, three-card reading.

Spirits of lunch meat, is this the deck for me?

Oh my God.

The perfect deck.

The only deck. I’ll never forget it.

I've found my sword. No other divination tool wields the courage or brain damage to include 9/11. Were there other options for The Tower? Maybe, for mortal cowards. The New Era Elements Tarot and I play for nothing, and commit everything. Credit to Z. Mann Zilla for raising my maniac power level.

Who made this, and are they open to marriage? If not, I'll take serving as butler, concubine, or personal trainer. I have to repay this gift.

Admirable! Cups and swords are pretty white, I guess. Whenever I see a wand, I feel slavery’s legacy on my neck. Now for a peek at representation:

Black people got the Fire Nation? Excellent. If a deck put me in the Puddle Tribe or Air Victims, I’d burn it. As things stand, I see nothing amiss.

After all, this tone’s easier to smirk at now that my standards for racism have melted. All that keeps management from strafing Haiti is their inability to find it. Enjoy these awkward sketches of Fire-Americans, they come from a brighter time.

Though Eleonore shows some concern about the state of the world:

Nothing beats a savior tripping on their own shoelaces. The Devil’s swastika jumps you after a model's baptism:

Though The Devil comes right before The Tower, which you should see again, because it's the most important pencil sketch in my life.

Beautiful. Eleonore released the New Era Elements Tarot in 2018, when we crafted insults with love. And when the Dalai Lama’s cameo was weird for very different reasons. According to the New Era Elements booklet, Eleonore drew the deck over several years. In that time, she kept every manic choice here intact, earning my loyalty.

Allegedly, the deck represents four elements. I count two.

The first true element: political anxiety. Eleonore wants to heal the world in 78 pencil sketches. When she flies blind, we get The Devil. When she’s self-conscious, we get Pacific Island stock photos.

That’s the water suite. Which seems clumsy, until air showcases various levels of East Asian costume:

One second.

I should order a backup deck, in case I get a single speck of dust on this one.

The microarcana are extra clumsy, as racial shoeboxes tend to get. Inclusion's boomerang hits the New Era deck square in the face. I've missed this genre of illiterate goodwill. Nostalgia only hits me like this when a seasteader drowns Rapture-style.

The second true element: heavy metal. From here on, the images leave footprints on the brain. Look at Torment and tell me it's not an album cover:

Nevermind, that's too milquetoast. That monkey's pre-horror, instead of post-horror. You probably want the rat dissection. Well, my third eye says you absolutely fucking don't, but the card demands witnesses. I serve fate with humility and cackling, ravenous laughter.

Vivisection gives users a nice break from the heroin injection art.

Artisanal edge, and it litters the deck. I hear art reveals the artist, but I have no idea if Eleonore’s the house party scold, or if she lights tables on fire for a reaction. Perhaps healthy personalities do both.

I’m not thinking magickally enough: this deck is balanced by the two minds at war. There’s the moron shipping this image in an “accessible” product, and the artist sneaking the standard Three of Swords into the tattoo. Perhaps there’s a clue in Eleonore using a self-portrait for The High Priestess:

Nope, that doesn’t help at all. Though Eleonore can do a full lotus without losing a knee, so there’s at least a little tryhard in there. I’m not jealous. The Psychic Yoga article’s going fine.

There’s a sprinkling of broad military/corporate protest as well, which all feels very Rust in Peace. I have a Rust in Peace poster. I mock Dave the way you mock your racist uncle. More importantly, and relatably, the New Era Elements Tarot also features dolphins. After all the animal torture, balance demands I include this nice sketch of some dolphins.

In fact, I'll count "Miscellaneous" as a third element. Some images just make it since Eleonore's into them, and you can draw your own deck for something different. For example: what's your first thought for Perfection? If it's not flaming rave yo-yo's, Eleonore thinks your parties suck.

What can I say, you skipped the fun drugs. Hopi appeals to the fringes of psychedelic abuse and lifetime sobriety. Perhaps Eleonore drifts toward the former, based on the perfect 9/11 card. But Grief has a whiff of shock PSA about it.

I could pick apart these miracles, one sketch at a time, in my sterile lab. But that's not what my heart wants. It's not what the cards want. The New Era Elements Tarot demands time in the sun, bothering the sane.

I’m sharing my golden, reality-warping gift. And magick powers.

Card games tend to be more fun/playable when you know the rules. Tarot isn't a game, but spiritual truth laid bare. But I assume the same principle holds. So for my ascension (and your entertainment, I guess), I sped-read Baby’s First Tarot.

Based on the boring booklet that comes with the deck, there are endless ways to play 78-pick up. Eleonore suggests the New Era Elements Spread:

Very symmetrical. However, it divides your inner feelings and mental focus, and I have shit to do. You know how you feel, and I feel annoyed when you ask me how you feel. Feel me?

So I asked other wytches for tips. I live in the spiritual desert of Bushwick, so it took four minutes to find a magick shop. According to Anystasia, the secret to comedy-friendly readings is "fuck off." According to Demysthia, the evening shift wytch, I ought to try a "single card draw."

In a single card draw, you draw a card, think about it, and then ask for twenty dollars. I'm fond of the efficiency, but I want repeat customers. So I’ll build a more robust backup, just in case.

Meet the DoggSpread, developed by our third strongest wizard.

Overlong, complicated, and cynical. Ideal for its user, and people that survive these articles. Magick makes the world about you.

The booklet also has explanations for each card. They suck, but I have an odd compliment: you don't need them. For all the imagery here that's broad, stupid, tasteless, or sort of blurry, the images generally tell you what a card has to say. Usually something broad, stupid, tasteless, or sort of blurry.

Except for the court cards, which visually just say your future might be Japanese grandma. It's easy to get a reading that says "Your past is blonde teenager. You face Maori grandpa in the present. But if you survive, you'll become a black grandpa. Keep white grandma close to your heart. Sorry, she's upside down. You might have to fistfight a nursing home."

Anyway, while the Doggspread seems perfect, I'm just one visionary. We'll need all three spreads to tap The Tower’s true power.

Subject: D. Dayle

Reader: D. Dayle

Location: Stairwell

Spread: Single Draw

SUBJECT: Hello, Great Oracle.

READER: Hello, new heavyweight in satire. What's your question?

SUBJECT: Can I do this?

The reader draws.

READER: Inverted Success...you’re unstoppable. Certain victory, or "hisshi" in Japanese. I think. I'll double-check later.

Lab Note: That's not what either meant.

Subject: D. Dayle

Reader: D. Dayle

Location: Stairwell

Spread: New Era

READER: Ask any question.

SUBJECT: Will rituals in the hallway bother the neighbors?

SUBJECT: Whoa! You read so seductively. Each muscle ripples with arkane power. What does it mean?

READER: I've forgotten how this layout works. But the neighbors dig all of this.

A grocery-carrying interloper appears.

INTERLOPER: What are you...what?

The interloper fixates on the Dalai Lama.

READER: [Silence.]

INTERLOPER: [Silence.]

READER: It’s research. I got this tarot deck in the mail, and my roommates are still sleeping. So, you know. Killing time.

INTERLOPER: Oh, that's...oh.

Lab Note: No complaints filed as of study release.

Subject: Roommate "Corvo"

Reader: D. Dayle

Location: Brooklyn Coffin

Spread: Single Draw

SUBJECT: What's happening? I'm still waking up.

READER: Let us pierce through the veil.

SUBJECT: What am I getting, a reading?

READER: Is that your question for the cards?

SUBJECT: Magic…imagine...imagine a universe where that's my question, and the cards are like, 100% accurate and say "Yes, idiot." That’d be great.

READER: These things and more are possible. I’ll give you a simple single draw reading, after you cut the deck.

SUBJECT: Hail Mary, full of Shangri-La.

READER: And your fate…

READER: The Tower.

SUBJECT: Ah, fuck.

READER: I forgot the question.

Lab Note: They never picked a question.

SUBJECT: The question doesn't really matter, right? It's The Tower.

READER: The Tower could still mean many things. For one, discomfort in the empire.

SUBJECT: Wait...a...minute. The cards speak true!

READER: Anyway, ignore my favorite coming up first. Dancers, clowns, and magicians suck at sleight of hand. Tarot is real.

Subject: Roommate “Corvo”

Reader: D. Dayle

Location: Brooklyn Coffin

Spread: New Era

READER: Prepare for the New Era Elements Tarot layout. I’ve skimmed the booklet again.

Perfection, upside down, probably great. Judgement, face up. Don't worry about it. The Universe, normal orientation. Mother of Fire...you are, in fact, an African Grandmother.

Lab Note: Subject is not a black grandma. He owns Dream Theater posters.

SUBJECT: It's all coming up Corvo.

READER: Next, we have the Son of Water. I'll be honest: you're gonna have to throw down. You've got to knuckle up and show this bodybuilder who's boss. It's gonna be tough.

SUBJECT: When?

READER: It's pretty vague. Looks like 3 days, 4 hours, and 17 minutes.

SUBJECT: So...not enough time to train? Just to drive myself nuts?

READER: Perfect for progress-free stress. Reflected in Perfection, inverted, in which your pursuit of the ideal leads to dicking around and panicking. Very finals week.

SUBJECT: Oh, okay. Then I’ve been training my whole life.

READER: After that, Judgment...you’ll soon face Casino Royale-era Mads Mikkelson.

SUBJECT: So he's gonna wail on my balls with rope? Or is that a different one?

READER: You must become the whaler. Find your confidence, seize the rope, and crush the balls.

Corvo gestures at the Mother of Fire.

SUBJECT: What about that one?

READER: Oh, she watches.

Subject: Roommate “Corvo”

Reader: D. Dayle

Location: Brooklyn Coffin

Spread: Doggspread

READER: First, halve the deck.

Subject complies.

READER: Pick one.

Subject complies.

READER: We have next to no control over our own lives. We’ll read from the other half.

SUBJECT: Whoa.

Reader draws, and looks thoughtful.

READER: First, your baggage: The Fool. Like everyone, you were once in the womb.

SUBJECT: Yeah, I've been in the womb.

READER: Next, an old choice. In the past, you've picked between a pile of rocks and some ducks. Only you know whether you chose humble Earth, or you tried to fly, fell to Earth, and earned lifelong dissonance.

SUBJECT: Thanks.

READER: The DoggSpread speaks loudly: the black grandmother reenters your destiny. The center represents your sports betting fortunes. Bet heavily on any and all black grandmas, and you will find your path.

Buzzing. Subject and Reader pat their pockets.

SUBJECT: That’s yours.

READER: The cards say my brother can wait. A choice looms in your future, between Circumspection...and a Samoan rematch. He’s back. He’ll always be back. Your anti-soulmate’s coming, and you're fighting the whole Bloodline again.

Dual sighs.

SUBJECT: Triple H...

READER: Everyone will fucking hate it. It’ll go on for years. A near decade. And finally, regardless of your petty mortal choices, in your future lies...The Sun. An imposing ball of flame from which none can escape. Like nukes, or The Bloodline.

SUBJECT: Shit.

READER: We do what we can. The future is sealed—I can't control this deck’s raw power. I've laughed for days. I think I’ve given myself a disorder.

SUBJECT: Yeah I...I thought practicing magick was giving yourself an illness, where you couldn't discern if it was working or not. But now that definition fits so much other shit.

READER: It's a good time to be a MindFreak.

SUBJECT: So you're transcribing this? Then publishing it?

READER: Mmm-hmm.

SUBJECT: After this, I'm gonna shoot me a pre–

Lab Note: He said “prediction.”

Subject: Stimulant Addicts (“Coffee Shop Customers”)

Reader: D. Dayle

Location: Digital Labor Camp (“Coffee Shop”)

Spread: Single Draw

SUBJECT A: …

SUBJECT B: What's that?

READER: It needs a question.

SUBJECT B: What's that?

READER: That works. The cards answer.

SUBJECT A: This [darkling]. Every time. This–

SUBJECT B: Why?

READER: Good question. Want to try another spread?

Lab Note: “The Tower,” along with “The Devil” took a great deal of time to explain.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: ObsoL33T, the fourth true element, following political anxiety, heavy metal, and miscellaneous. Their card is The Tower, but upside down, so it’s probably fine.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM