Fucking Day: Breast Enhancement Secrets and Myths from Around the World (Patreon)

Small and normal sized breasts!! Now that I have your attention, I confess we're here to talk about a less exciting topic: large breasts.

In 2015, a woman named Alexa Reyna published Breast Enhancement: Secrets and Myths from Around the World. Well, they claim to be a woman. They're a total dumbass, obsessed with tits, and very confused about the female body, all suspiciously masculine qualities. Let's check her backstory from the Preface:

So this person started a website about breasts because of their long-running interest in breasts, and in recent years, they've gotten pretty into Asian breasts. I think most of us can agree: what a relatable origin story.

I was curious why Alexa brought up Asian breasts, so I bought a book she wrote in 2016 called Beginner's Guide to Natural Breast Enhancement. It's a barely organized list of things you can rub on your tits from eggs to chicken feet, you know, easily debunked crackpot titty witchcraft for idiots. Which is fine. In fact, good for them. Filling your bra with chia pudding and hoping magic is real is cooler than a lot of hobbies. Coin collecting, for instance. But across every potion and breast pump, the only specific success story Alexa cites is a Japanese woman named Chiyomilk.

Here's a passage from Beginner's Guide to Natural Breast Enhancement:

Our author heard the viral story of this bikini model whose boobs got bigger, and got obsessed. Her secrets were breast enlargement hormones, which sounds right, a good bra, which sounds dumb, and fat brushing, which can't possibly be what it sounds like. But it is! Here's Chiyomilk's fat brushing routine:

You simply push the fat in your stomach up into your boobs and keep it from escaping using a bra. It's nonsense. It's something Bugs Bunny would do to trick a human man into sex. But it's obvious hokum. You can't claim fat can be redirected through the body in a world where atomic drops exist. I hate to get lost in these scientific details, but if any of this was real, all of "Ravishing" Rick Rude's opponents would have gone home assless, with luscious breasts. There would have to be a special guy at every wrestling match to tickle everyone's tits back into their butt, and I think I would have heard of that. I think that guy would have a really gross name. It's a lot to think about, but while I do that, here's the before and after pictures of Chiyomil– oh! They'd probably call him Doctor "The Brett" Chubfingers!

Amazing! Who can say if she's the world's first fatmancer, or the first person to lie about cosmetic surgery? All we know is Chiyomilk inspired Alexa to start her website, GrowBreastNaturally.com. It's long dead, its corpse teeming with forgotten spyware, but here's the kind of advice it had in 2015:

Subconscious puberty conjuring with self-hypnosis? If you wrote this down, there will never exist a boob enlarging idea too dumb for you. A section of Alexa's breast enlargement website was just instructions on how to wish you had larger breasts. Like, literally, how to sit around and manifest boob with your mind. If this had even a .01% chance of working, everyone's middle school yearbook would have looked like this:

Let's get back to the main book, the one about giant titties from around the world.

In addition to dedicating her life to a thing that provably doesn't exist, Alexa Reyna is not a gifted writer. She writes titty books like she forgot she had a report due on "women". And while I had concerns this was the pen name of a horny, stupid man earlier, when Alexa said "something we females all have in common: BREASTS", I knew she was the real deal. This is how actual ladies talk about the real girl parts they have seen and touched. It reminds me of when Hemingway wrote, "Floppy and sloppy, Webster's defines penis as a tube of dong, and we bros can't get enough of their shafts and balls."

We start our breast journey first in Bangladesh.

So in Bangladesh, the secret to large breasts is mostly having sex. You can get them from sex, lots of sex, or "if a woman drinks the water that comes from the sex organ of the male." And already, this book seems dangerously imprecise in its language. I get you want to keep things G-rated in a book about growing tits by fucking, but two very different drinks come out of men. And shouldn't there be some mention of volume? Claiming Bangladesh cracked the mystery of breast enlargement with "sex" already requires a suspension of disbelief; now we have to pretend there's no medicinal difference between a cup of pee and a gallon of semen? Ridiculous. That could mean the difference between a DDD-cup and being the second face on a Silent Hill boss.

What near-death head injury needs to happen to you for you to think this is something? You can't say, "Here are some foods that make your breasts large" and then list every fucking food. And I dare anyone to say less than "Bangladesh is a country of vegetables and fruits." It's like Alexa went to a Dhaka grocery store and asked, "Where is your breast section?" and a rosy-cheeked lad turned to her and said, "Why, you're in Bangladesh, ma'am! Every section is the breast section!" Ignore me, I'm talking nonsense; I'm caught up in the wonder of lentil-enhanced titties. Let's check out some more of this vegetable country's secrets and myths.

Look, I've never written a book on natural breast enhancement, but if someone told me the key to bigger boobs was rubbing cow dung on my chest, I'd have many more followup questions than none. For example, does a bra made out of cow shit negate the allure bigger breasts add to your figure? Did you maybe mistranslate the Bengali phrase for "your boob sorcery is bullshit, idiot"?

These are nuts. What else does Bangladesh use to grow breasts?

Oh. Okay, I see what's going on here. Some guy met the world's most credulous women, women who think vegetables change breast size, and seized the opportunity. "You say you're looking for natural breast enhancement? Let me think about my people's ancient magics… oh… yeah, I just remembered. Sex, for sure. Lots of it. And let's see… putting m– putting a dick on your boobs, that works. And mouth stuff. Mouth stuff is great for bigger boobs. And… here's one only I know… c-cow dung? This is going to sound crazy, but m-maybe smear it on those dirty things, filthy girl? Yeah, all this panting I'm doing is an important part of the treatment."

Let's pause here a minute. I need to check something. I'm worried Alexa interviewed one natural breast enlargement expert from each of these countries, and if so, I can't think of any way to assemble a dumber group of people. I'm going to check the Acknowledgements and see if she credits any sources…

Holy shit, I was exactly right. Alexa talked to one person from each of these countries, almost certainly from the anonymous forums on her own website. This an elite international squad of the dumbest fucking fools, and one of them, Ratna in Bangladesh, got tricked into indulging a grocery store clerk's cow dung fetish. This moron went home and washed poop off her exact same-sized boobs, and a second moron thought, "What a fun, folksy way to defy reason! It's going in the book!"

Anyway, great job, Ratna in Bangladesh. Let's see what breast-augmenting secrets Japan holds.

Alexa wakes up at a podium on stage. Seventy flat-chested women stare at her expectantly. She has no memory of who she is or how she got there. A voice in her ear screams, "What the fuck is the matter with you!? SAY SOMETHING ABOUT JAPANESE BOOBS." And this is what she said. I guess my point is, this is a wild guess about tit history by a dumb idiot, and exactly the opposite of what we're trying to do here. And Asian breasts are supposed to be her specialty!

Chiyomilk, the author's creative muse, takes up 80% of the entire section on Japanese breast enlargement. The other 20% is dedicated to how Japanese women don't want to enlarge their breasts, and how Japanese women pray to a magic tree to enlarge their breasts. It's a complicated procedure; I'll let Alexa explain:

This is so embarrassing for the men of Japan. There's a shrine where desperate milfs rub tree into their boobs, and no one took advantage of that? In Bangladesh, this shrine would be filled with men saying, "I can't help but notice you believe anything, which leads me to my next point: the miracle properties of dick sex!" Zero out of ten, Japan.

Next up is India, and I'm not sure what to call it. Racist, sure. Insane, definitely. Each line is worse than the last, and none of them are going to even try to make your boobs bigger.

India is a nation of titty scheming and nipple secrets. Society frowns upon boobs, but a tiny portion of the population, mothers, feed science herbs to girls from the shadows. These create luscious but forbidden breasts only to be slyly glanced upon during courtship. "What the fuck was I talking about?" Alexa Reyna never asked herself. I knew going into this we weren't going to learn how to make breast implants at home, but no one could have predicted how very much we weren't going to do that.

Alexa asked someone named Yee what the deal was with Malaysian herbal breast solutions and Yee said, "Oh man, let me tell you about all the damn races who live here." So here we go:

The Malay people living in Malaysia have one traditional method of breast augmentation: 15 minutes of titty squishing, every day. Which brings up an interesting fact about growing breasts with exercise: it doesn't work. I'm not saying that as a skeptic or because I'm in the pocket of Big Tiny Breast. Those are the author's own words. Here's what she published a year later in Beginner's Guide to Natural Breast Enhancement:

The world's leading natural breast authority(?) said, basically, "Chapter 13 - Growing Breasts with Exercise: Oh, you can't grow breasts with exercise, are you crazy?"

And you know it must be true because do you have any idea how hard a thing must have to not work for Alexa Reyna to declare it false? This is an author who said one way to get bigger breasts is to firmly wish at them. Any combination of fruit is worth a try, and if someone wants to poke at them with a penis, yes yes, let them, any penis at all, but you are a fool if you think breast exercises do anything. Where were we? Right, we were going through the races of Malaysia.

"Eat… chicken… say that last part again? Eat chicken to enlarge… your… breast. Got it. This is great stuff. This is all going in the book," said the fucking goddamn dipshit. There's nothing else, by the way! The chapter on Malaysian breast secrets is how one race does a thing that will never work and another race eats chicken. Anyone who thinks that is information worth sharing is a broken imbecile worthy only of contempt, and I say that as someone who shared that information. It sounds like a problematic joke overheard during a Civil War massacre.

So Malaysia was no help. Maybe Pakistan will be better?

Alexa has a unique writing technique where she uses every last part of a random thought. She opens her chapter on Pakistani breast enhancement by saying, and I almost verbatim quote, "Trends in boob wanting are up, according to many and some. The reasons for this are two: husband say do, and just because."

She does eventually get into specifics, and it somehow gets dumber:

The three breast enhancement techniques from Pakistan are to eat Pakistani food, wear a bra, and try to stay warm. The good news, Pakistani ladies, is you might already be doing some of these. The bad news? I'm more sure than ever that this is some pervert whose scheme to get pictures of ladies with cow dung on their boobs got way, way out of his control.

"Reader, let me tell you how Filipinas augment their breasts naturally. It all started 1100 years ago when women with big knockers cost more. Unrelated to that, eat local foods like avocados or papayas or whatever. Unless you're living in a Muslim HOA. They don't want you to have large breasts, so stay away from foods, warmth, pig placenta… anything other than exercise, really. You get it, this is not a belief system with internal logic. I just have a boner with real weird demands. These were the last words of author Alexa Reyna before he died from eating poop."

- Me, speaking at the funeral for Alexa Reyna

Oh, this is cool. The Filipina character creator lets you adjust nipple color.

South Korea is another chapter that begins with vague, pointless guesses about societal boob trends, but I left it in because it has my favorite breast augmentation tip of all:

"Here's an idea: bucket! Sit in a fucking bucket, you flat idiot! Maybe try adding 'herbs', you piece of shit!"

- Me, speaking at the funeral for Alexa Reyna, to his widow, exactly as detailed in his will

North Korea also shames women with big boobs, though some think chives is the answer? This is everything the book said about North Korea, and I'm fascinated by it. I can't stop thinking about where and how anyone could use this information, if you can call it that. I have fantasies of getting thrown in prison with busty Korean babes and telling them, "Ladies, I know just what to do. If we can get our hands on a baked potato, we can shrink some of those titties. Or change society's negative perception of your large breasts, the book wasn't clear. Sorry, hi. I'm Sean."

So that's Korea… let's see what other countries are in here…

Oh, here's something useful. In Thailand, their top health officials are trying to develop a way for you to slap your own tits. Best of luck to them, but over in Italy, they're taking a different approach:

Hunted for naps by sleepy Italians, these have two local names including "zizze" and their only weaknesses are exercise and North Korean chives.

Polish women use exercise and cold to increase their bust size, and my knowledge of breasts is now so worldly I recognize one of those as false, and the other as wrong. The author of this very book taught me that. Maybe Alexa is having fun, but the danger of being this intentionally gullible is you have no defense against bad actors. Some clever Polish guy is going to come up to Alexa and say, "A wizard told me my ejaculate makes boobs grow, but… I mean, there's no way to be sure. Unleeeesssss…"

This is exactly what I was talking about, Alexa! But to be fair, the bananas and chocolate make it seem like this tricksy tit pest is trying to make it romantic. Alexa would have been fine with cow dung and dick slaps.

I'm terrible at spotting racism, so maybe I shouldn't bring it up, but every breast enlargement tip from European countries is to eat food and hit the bench press at your local 24 Hour Fitness. And then Alexa gets to the Africa chapters and suddenly her advice is all, "In Ghana, blood druids summon The Goat Man who whispers terrible butt secrets in the ears of teens. According to some!" Maybe it's nothing!

I've shown you the whole chapter on Ghana. As far as Alexa knows, the village breast fluffers rub ointments on the chests of young ladies to please savage, unknown gods right before hand stuff class. I don't have a point, I just think this is so hot.

"In Nigeria, boobs grow in some various places such as Abia, map, or the Okpara River with a length of 220 miles. Also, try one of the nation's 24 Burger King locations, home of the new Whopper J-Cup. With chief exports of chives and bones, Nigeria is truly a land of breasts and challenges." Whoever Alexa got these facts from definitely got tricked into some sex stuff by the first breast specialist she met. Oh, I was right:

"Looking at the map of Nigeria didn't make your boobs bigger? Well, there is one thing we can try, but it's risky. It's called Sucking Method, and get comfortable because it's a tough one to explain." Wait, hold on, did Alexa say Nigerians keep an elder woman "always on standby" to suck on boobs in a breast enhancement emergency!? What!? An eld–

…

…

…

I blacked out. I tried to put into words why I thought that wa–

…

Fuck, I blacked out again.

In Jamaica, most locals use the standard techniques of breast calisthenics and chicken pills, but they also have a magic statue of a woman who only had a single boob, but it was a real ropey one. Sorry, I must have blacked out again, because that can't be right…

… no it's all right here. The myth is based on a one-breasted woman who threw both her breasts over her shoulder "when attacked." And that's the thing about a good educator like Alexa– they never leave out important details of a story.

Argentineans like boobs, and they know how to get them: Eating Chicken. And if you believe that, ladies, you're going to totally buy this other tried-and-true Argentina home remedy. You already know it's…

I'll come right out and say it: I don't like that 70% of international breast enhancement is realizing far too late you got groped by a chicken farmer.

St. Lucia is a Caribbean island with only 170,000 people, but Alexa dedicates several pages to it. Not so much its breast augmentation, but its history in general? It's only after several hundred words of history and climate when she remembers the point of her book and blurts out "Crayfish". I guess the girls of St. Lucia rub baby crayfish on their breasts? Not to death, mind you, they only go to second base with them and return them to the water. That's right, let them live with the haunting memory of it like a Bangladeshi woman scrubbing off a cow dung bra.

Sometimes it's hard to trace the source of a myth. And other times a St. Lucia teen says, "My dick is in this cow b-because… legends say cow saliva makes penises bigger? And don't worry, they say it works on b-boobs too, it's… I was not making love to this cow's mouth!" Ha ha these idi– oh no. Oh no, do you know what this means? I think it means this same St. Lucia kid fucked a bunch of crayfish. The end, this book was a mistake!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Zach and Eva, 1900HOTDOG's Official Breast Emergency Elders, always on standby.

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