Fucking Day: The Book of World Sexual Records (Patreon)

Twice a year she blooms up around here, some say its a equinox thing and hell, dont it seem like a lot of things on earth happen cause a that whole rotatin on a titled axis thing the good lord saw fit to set up for us? By my watch though, this special occurrence Im talkin about doesnt quite line up with the vernle or the autumnal, seems like she swells up closer to the in-betweens of the seasons, when the spring is starting to tease a bit of heat and the fall its frost, which to my mind puts it closer to a mild curse on the land, but more cheeky than hateful, mind. Ill probly never for sure know all the hows and whys, but whoever set the clock, every may and october i get to seein the signs that that warehouse downtown is fillin up inside again and in need of my hands and others to come to harvest and pluck and milk her back down outta her discomfort of course Im talkin about the semiennial visitation from that enripened and enleavened lady of all the literture what matters: The Friends of the Library Book Sale and heres another one she offered up to me outta her fecund internals:

You can take a look at it here if you want they also have the illustrated version if you like dirty pictures instead of havin a imagination.

(Parentheticly it occurs to me that we all know the internet archive is a treasure were in danger of losin all the time but also that your patreon money in part is helpin to slowly back up a curated annotated copy of it on 1900hotdog.com, so thats something anyway.)

Ok so the cover of Simons’ Book of World Sex Records looks real official it has a blue ribbon on it they dont just give those out to anyone as someone with 8 red ribbons for homemade dog treats from the county fair i can tell you that for sure.

And then its bone of hides is farther ‘stablished by this testimony:

Club International! Of course I had to look that one up my first guess was thats one of them british huntin club, all fulla upsettin taxidermies like stag-footed stools and badger ashtrays or if not that then probably a bandcamp vaporwave act, but nope its a print publication:

Thats a issue from 1975, the same year our world records book came out and yes it might look a lil “for the lads” but i’ll have you know it has tastes and standards:

Haha thats me havin a lil fun with my color markers but its true: my research also indicated Club International features only the occasional pink and, to date, no stink.

What do we know about our author, Mr. Geoffrey Leslie “Jeffless” Simons? Not a whole lot outside his bibliography, he was a freelance writer gent who wikipedia says he was “A prolific author of non-fiction, he wrote books about sex, computers and politics”. For me I guess I have just kinda a awe about thinking about anyone puttin a book together like this without either the help of the internet or gettin your kids to do a lot of the work. What I’m sayin I guess is that when I’m Queen? Jeffless will likely be top of the list of people I’m gonna GBE.

Rise! Oh you already did, sorry.

Now I know some people aint’ fans, but I preciate a good dust jacket, not only for its prophylactic propperties for the archivist but also every now and then they can be like a good movie trailer with kinda its own editing voice and choices and carry perhaps a lil narrative of its own and this is one of those:

Holy shit sold and sold and sold again and thats even before we got to what is a ferrets O-face!

Well yes it is hard to make new friends as a adult so I tried this except not cocktail party it was at church coffee and Doyle Robertson did not seem to preciate me asking even though his wife guessed 22 lbs but Pastor McNabb said probly around October things should have settled enough for me to come back.

But who needs church when I have this community right here!? How bout we pretend were all gathered here together in a nice 1900hotdog pub, with good ciders on tap with flavor notes like “barny” and “manure” and also lots of NA options for those with that preference.

Cheers! Lets call this publican house The Coddlesome Prick and if you wear a damp wool item of clothing you get a discount on all pints to raise to me here again and again as I delight you with some trivia (or “quiz”) of the naughty persuasion! Here’s a previously allusioned one to get started:

What a charmin’ chain of correspondents we have outlined here. Just imagine receivin and sendin these letters, perhaps asking a Moneypenny to take dictation. I sadly could not find the film in question but here is a photo that i think youll agree seems to indicate a ferretal capacity for the anticipation of pleasure, at least:

Yes this is a situation where the internet is still a force for good that we can find photographic corraborations for Jeffless’ research, imagine where we’d be if we had to rely on text only for understandin this one:

Pictured:

See this picture is a comfort to me because it shows that what some so-called doctors might say is a concernin development of aging and perhaps poor diet and exercise is actually as natural and beautiful as like a real pretty tree.

A bunch of the book is about animal sex stuff actually and Jeffless is not afraid to get real specific:

Doubtless! And nor I! But I know what your all wonderin:

Yes I would welcome expansion of this research to include the other primates, i myself have only the anecdotal datum of that kinda off-puttin guy Royce out at the site who called the sex act “givin ‘er the ocho”.

How else are our animal friends like us in unexpected ways?

Whew that really was least expected! And such turged descriptive writin…blush emoji! But is it true? cause i did a fair amount of shootin at and not hittin any deer with my uncles growin up and the only time we got close to this kinda info was when they told me that if i got lost in the snow to shove my hands down my pants, “right down into your privates”, to keep them warm and that was enough honestly. Can anyone confirm this one?

Well i dont know if this is as much confirmation as much as just repeatin the rumor with lets say maybe a unnecessary level of personal disclosure. And thats coming from me, Caley.

Alright that’s probly enough animal fun facts for now, let’s move it on to actual HUMAN most this and biggest that!

Ok yes exactly now we’re talkin, just a wholesome, non-upsettin, Guinness-type world reco-

Oh okay, I guess we still thought this was a thing in 1975. Thank goodness nowadays everyone is real clear that theres always more different within groups than between but Jeffless was toilin under some archaic suppositions, lets see what those said:

Hm so from what I read here we have some old stereotypes about whose is biggest except actually, accordin to Royal Tallywacker Tallier Dr. Robert Chartham, it is the Union Jacks who wave most proudly in the wind! At first i thought this was just another kinda typical example of self-servin sudoscientist, but I took just a lil extra look at Chartham and whoa:

Defectin to the nazis and then rattin out your own dudes in a POW camp is a extra special level of piece-of-shitness, lets hope he had some kinda chronic hemroid insomnia for his sins.

Okay lets get back to some normal stuff

That one uses a h-word slur that was unfamiliar to me but from what i can tell its pretty bad so I blurred it out. Here’s a picture though:

This one is pretty complicated: for a while WHO said thats genital mutilation, but then some other scientists said its more voluntary than that so they changed it to “modification” instead but theres still a lot of pressure to get one so its a tough one. The back and forth honestly reminds me a bit of how reasonable folks disagree about labiaplasty, but I can kinda feel this one gettin over my head the more I type.

But maybe the whole world can agree on that length isn’t everything!

Most triumphant indeed! I tried to do the math and accordin to AI, 84 shillings looks like it would buy about either 70 percent of one pint or 11 pints, so raise those ciders high!

But capactiousness isn’t everything!

Alright Jeffless, I know from self-indulgent writin when I see it. I know, I know, it’s fun to just share crazy shit you came across, but this is a book of world records remember? Don’t let Club International down now, get back to the verificationable, please.

Hm thats a little better I guess but Jeffless, I gotta know if 52 lbs is the weight of the mammary singular or for the pair so come October I can tell Sister Robertson if she owes me a donut or not.

Alright at least were back on the rails here with some more normal sex world records, get ready for another fun Believe it Or Not!

Very nice, but say it with me now!

Well I dont’ know about the American classic part but I for sure I’d be proud to buy Miss Dean a drink should I ever get the chance…she helped runaway slaves AND she was sportin just acres of ferocious briar patch down there!? Shes like the human opposite of that Chartham ass, let us pray her wolfskin rug kept her cool in the summer and warm in the wintertime.

Alright which sex world record do you folks want to hear next!?

Haha I thought that might be it, you jolly preverts!

Wait were includin the devil in our world records now?

Yeah um Jeffless we might have to have a little talk about the scope of the book here, nowadays we dont say this kinda thing is a world record, its just called anime.

Jeffless, mate, you doin ok? Jeff!? Geoffrey! Blink if you can you hear me!! He’s not blinkin. All of us here at the Prick are gettin a little worried about you bud. I’m over here addin sequential numbers to my demonsemen.png files and anybody could tell you that just aint right. C’mon champ, were almost done, can you maybe scrounge up just one more normal and fun sex record for us?

Alright I think we lost Jeff everybody. Somebody call for a NHS catatonia carriage. This is kinda personally chillin’ to me: could it be that there is such a thing as too much lookin at and writin about weird sex books? Such that you maybe like burn out all your pervert neurons and can no longer process the fun kind of warped and depravitied? Can such a accurst fate really occur!? What did the rest of Jeff’s bookography look like?

Oh no it looks like maybe I got some employment counselin’ appointments I need to set up In the Name of Jesus Christ Amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Christopher Worthen, holder of the blue ribbon for Competitive Sexual Measurement (results pending independent verification.)

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM