Nerding Day: Batman Returns the DOS Adventure Game🌭 (Patreon)

Dear Robin,

It is I, your father figure and questionable guardian Bruce Wayne, a.k.a., Batman. Always remember to never forget to not tell people that Bruce Wayne is Batman. I’ve told a lot of people - most of them hot women - that Bruce Wayne is Batman and it never goes well. They either get really weird about it or they kill people and then you’re like, “Well, I guess we can’t be together since we have different thoughts on that philosophy.” It never works.

That said, I’m sure you can tell people that Robin is Dick Grayson. Nobody will really care that much. If it gets you some strange, my man, I say go for it. But leave Bruce Wayne and Batman out of it. Here’s a good compromise: You tell the person, of any gender, you’re trying to impress, “Oh, I know Batman, but even he won’t tell me who he is. He’s probably super poor and lives in the city proper. The only thing I know is he’s always asking for money and he has a small apartment and no butler.” That’ll throw them off the scent.

Anyway, if you’re reading this, I’m probably dead. I should have opened with that.

What killed me? Hahaha, you probably know better than I do! Maybe I used some of that tainted Joker makeup to look cool. Maybe I got shot in the eye by a criminal who finally realized which parts of my body were exposed. Hell, I could’ve jumped off a skyscraper and my wings didn’t open right and I was all like, “Ohhhh nooooo!” If I’m lucky, it happened while I was taking out Gotham’s scum like Gotham’s trash. If I’m unlucky, Alfred found me hanging in a closet doing something you can know about when you’re older (open that letter after turning 18).

Yes, this is the story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down. And I’d like to take a second, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how the Penguin almost became the mayor of Gotham City. And hopefully, as you learn how I fought this fat fuck of a villain, just a real porker, a body like Veruca Salt after she ate the candy, you too can pick up some of Batman’s greatest skills.

Are you ready? Get a pen or a pencil. Take notes. Don’t write on this letter, please. I want it donated to a cool library in my name. Batman’s name, that is!

The most important part of being Batman is watching the news every day. You’d think that I’d find out about crime by patrolling the city, hiding on rooftops, swooping down on drug deals, but that’s hogwash. Every morning, I sit at my big computer made by the good people at IBM (for Bruce Wayne, wink, wink), and I turn on the local news.

And this day, I turned on the news and found out that a gang of circus hooligans were attacking the city! I feel like they were probably gang members leftover from the Joker? Because that fat guy I told you about doesn’t really fit a “circus” theme as much as he did? I don’t know and I don’t care. All I knew was the word “hooligans” meant “punch agains.”

I got up from my ergonomic chair and I went to the closet immediately behind me in my vast, open cave of a lair. These suits can take and give a lot of damage, as you’re well aware since we work together. Fortunately, all the suits I had were pretty solid at the moment. But then came the hard part: My load out.

You see, I never told you this - and I don’t tell many people this, to be honest - but my belt can only hold so many objects at a time. It’s a very nice belt, made by the people at SHEIN (for Bruce Wayne, wink, wink again!). I chose a few batarangs, which I’ve now added to the dictionary of Microsoft Word so it doesn’t tell me it’s wrong every time. I also picked up that grappling gun because I like going PEW! and then flying upwards towards the roof. What a rush. Nothing quite like it. It’s yours now, since I’m dead, as we discussed early. Take good care of it.

As you’re already well aware, the most time-consuming part of being Batman is driving. Most of the time we’re doing this, it’s behind the wheel of the Batmobile. Approximately 90% of this adventure took place with me driving between places, always the same amount of time, always with the same exact wheel motions. Whether I was driving to a bad businessman’s dark, spooky office or the mayor’s dark, spooky office, that was most of this story. Whatever I tell you, just imagine that I was driving about twice as long as what was happening.

I’m just saying, if you’re planning on going out to fight crime that night, factor in the driving time. Maybe get an audio cassette of something good, something inspirational. I don’t know. I tend to just listen to my own theme song over and over and over and over and over again while I’m driving to places I want to go. I know I could probably grapple hook between some of the closer places, but why would I do that when I can drive for an equal amount of time? I guess I just love my car!

So, the news said that there was some hooligans attacking the city. After searching around a bit - including going into the mayor’s office and stealing a few things - I found them! Since the gang was circus-themed, all the hooligans were in costumes like skinny clown, fat clown, fat not-a-clown, and sort of Daffy Duck in a devil costume. As someone who has (or had! I’m dead!) to order suits in bulk, I get why there would only be four of them throughout the entire city. Because I hurt them so much, I have to assume that these are different human beings inside those costumes and had to be cast based on specific weight and height.

Of course, I have to fight these hooligans. I can throw my batarangs, definitely, and those are great! They knock them right the fuck out. Probably do some lasting damage too, which, if they die of their injuries later, that doesn’t really count as going against my whole no killing thing. Once I’ve got them on the ropes, I can interrogate them. You’ve got to interrogate hooligans, buddy. They will spill the beans and, after that, tell you a lot of information. Sometimes it ranges from “I don’t know nothin’!” to “The boss is planning something big!” Just like how I don’t tell you all my secrets, the Penguin didn’t tell them his!

Who’s the Penguin? Glad you asked! But I’ll get back to that!

After stealing notes and paperwork and video tapes on people’s desks, I returned to my computer and did something you won’t believe: Entered them into the computer. And then I slowly scrolled through an interface of characters and items so I could see who everyone is and what everything does in detail. As an organizational system, you might want to make it work for you. But for me, there’s nothing that fights crime faster than a slow scroll through a lot of text and lore and a few red herrings that are so obviously red herrings that I can just ignore them. On the other hand, having a whole backlog of bad guys is good for when the city’s crime is more of the “murder and rob” variety versus the “conquer the city with rocket penguins” type.

What’s a rocket penguin? Glad you asked! But I’ll get back to that!

Anyway, I’ve now got new information added into my computer. Which gives me two options. I can either go back for a drive and stand on rooftops and then jump down and then, finding no clues, jump back up, or I can turn in for the day. Fortunately, when there’s one big crime happening in a city, there are no little crimes to speak of. I think this is just how being a criminal works? I wouldn’t know because I’m not one (or wasn’t one!). Honestly, once I punch a few hooligans and pick up a few scraps of paper with information on them, the city is dead silent.

Turn in for the day it is!

Now, I don’t want to get too detailed here because a lot of what I’ve already told you is, essentially, the entire job of being Batman and all I did during my adventure. I’d wake up in the morning, put on my costume, sit in my chair, and watch the news. Then I’d check my computer to see if anyone the news was talking about was relevant to the case, and then I’d get in my car and drive between different spots. I can’t emphasize enough just how much driving there is between these locations. To tell you the truth, most of the money I’m leaving you in my will is going to go towards gas. You just don’t understand how much driving there is.

Thankfully, Gotham City really only has five or six places worth going to fight crime. There’s a shop window. Another shop window. A plaza. A few offices. And, really, that’s about it. I know when you look at a map, Gotham seems huge, but all you have to do to solve any crime is go to the same handful of places and look for scraps of paper and video tapes that weren’t there before. The tapes are especially important, because they often feature something criminal happening like the mayor being threatened or the Penguin being an asshole.

Okay, I’ll bite. So the Penguin is actually this guy named Oswald Cobblepot. He was born with slightly malformed hands, and, because of this, his parents basically tried to drown him in a river. This to me seems like a bit of an overreaction, but it’s hard for me to judge what rich parents would and would not do because, you know, Zorro, Crime Alley, pearls, etc. Also, don’t tell anyone about Crime Alley because that’s a big giveaway that Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Penguin here is really angry that his parents rejected him, so he cooks up a plot to become mayor. Or, a businessman named Max Shreck comes up with a plan. I had to go off torn sheets of paper with loose scribbles on them, so it’s kind of hard to parse, really. They made a documentary about this a few years ago, which I know you haven’t seen because you only watch YouTube videos of machines crushing toys, and that explains it a bit better.

The important thing is the Penguin - Oswald is better if you ask me, but he didn’t, so who am I to judge? - really wanted to become Gotham’s mayor. This would allow him to do something that none of the notes or video tapes ever really made clear. Not for nothing, if that documentary didn’t fill me in on the rest of it, I’d have no clue why he was interested in the job. Did he dress for the job? No. I can’t say he did.

The thing is, Oswald’s plan took days to pull off. So I did what I always do: Watched the news, went into public, knocked out one of four clowns, asked them a question they answered in a vague way, found more pieces of paper, put them into my computer, and went to bed. If it was too early for bed and I was bored, I’d just wait for an hour to pass and then I’d check again.

Again, that news is crucial to our job. When the news said there was a bank robbery, I was able to stop it right outside the bank. I didn’t even have to go inside. It was just on the street, where I fight most of my hooligans. By watching the news and driving for a long time, I’m able to prevent most crimes without ever entering a space that one might consider “interesting to look at.” Dark offices, certainly. Oh, and the destroyed home of Selina Kyle, a woman that I’ll repeatedly note “looks familiar.” I’m comfortable going into a woman’s home and stealing things for evidence because I’m Batman, so I’m not really a criminal if I do it.

And guess what? Selina Kyle was Catwoman! You’re met her a few times when she’s left my place at 7 am in the morning saying she’s “got a thing” and “don’t make it weird, Bruce.” But back then, I didn’t know. In fact, I only found out it was her via slips of paper I found around the place. According to that documentary, I hung out with her a lot during this time period. That’s actually a misconception. I saw Catwoman maybe one time, two times tops. But she was mentioned in the news and on those notes I’m so fond of picking up. It seemed like she was working with the Penguin on his plan, although at the time none of that was clear. I’ll tell ya, the documentary cleared up so much later. I just wish someone had written down more things on that paper because, man, it’s useful. There’s no evidence quite like something explicitly written down.

After going to sleep, checking the news, and driving for a few days, I found out the Penguin was mad at me. We had a fight like the ones I had with his hooligans, which made him run away and then the hooligans came back. And then, he took control of my car, which was not okay. You know how much I love driving. I’ve told you so many times in this brief letter how much I love driving from place to place, waiting minutes for it to finish. It was a total dick move, but because he was gloating, I recorded him on my second favorite piece of evidence: A video cassette tape. Clever, right?

Later, while watching the news again - because that’s genuinely so much of this story and so much of what I must do as Batman, just sitting in a chair and watching what’s going on outside of the Batcave - I saw Penguin giving a speech about how excited he was to be mayor. “Uh, uh,” I thought to myself. I used that video cassette I recorded and played it and everyone was mad at him, which caused him to go apeshit, no offense to Gorilla Grodd. The news really covered it well and I’m glad I wasn’t there to do anything.

Did I mention I got to drive a boat, too! Driving everywhere is really the biggest pleasure of my life. I bet if my parents didn’t die, I’d have been a race car driver! No, a race boat driver!

But, as you remember, the Penguin was working with Max Shreck who, according to notebook pages and printouts I found, was actually a bad guy! He said he was building a clean energy plant, but he appeared in my list of suspicious people on my computer, so I should’ve guessed that he was lying way, way earlier. The point is, now that the Penguin was finished, I got to go to a party with Selina Kyle and we never talked about being Batman and Catwoman regardless of what the documentary said. It’s a good documentary, but they got a lot wrong and definitely undersold how much news I watch and how much driving I do and how much I love the written word as evidence.

Long story longer! The party was crashed by the Penguin and then I had to go into the sewer. Then Alfred called the rocket penguins - ah, yes, that is to say, the penguins with rockets on their backs - and called off the attack. The documentary makes it sound like a whole to-do, but honestly, I punched the penguin a few times and he fell into a pond and that was pretty much that. Also, Catwoman basically just pushed Max Shreck into the electrical box for no reason. We could’ve probably put him in prison, but she didn’t want to.

And that’s the true story of a top twenty Batman adventure. So, always remember Robin, you can defeat evil using a few tried-and-true methods: Watching the news as much as possible, multiple times a day, punching hooligans, picking up sheets of paper, and then going to bed and repeating that process. It’s honestly extremely easy to be a detective, so I think even you will be great at that job.

Goodbye, Robin. I’m dead now. God bless you and God bless Gotham City.

Signed,

Batman (remember: DO NOT tell them I’m Bruce Wayne)

P.S.: I dated a woman who can revive dead people so please don’t piss all over the couch or something while I’m gone because there’s a solid 50-50 chance I’m coming back.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Leesa, who committed a second crime while Batman was driving to the first one and broke Gotham’s entire justice system.

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