Hot Dog Store: It's Apes All The Way Down (Patreon)

ATTENTION: AUTUMN IS HERE! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORE POST!

There was a time when every movie understood the basic ingredients of adventure: lava, apes, diamonds, and two men who had no business being near any of them.

Lava Apes of the Lost Diamond City was considered lost media for years, mostly because nobody involved would admit making it, and Brockway kept identifying unrelated ape attacks as "probably deleted scenes."

Fortunately, the complete theatrical experience has been reconstructed as a shirt!

For those who prefer their lost cinema in a format that never moved to begin with, we also reconstructed the original 24×36 theatrical poster. Every detail has been painstakingly restored from eyewitness testimony and ape bite patterns.

Alright, I think that exhausts the last of our ape holdings.

This is technically a separate ape-related product, but after what happened in the Lost Diamond City, separating ape incidents by continuity feels irresponsible.

Ape week compresses an entire week of primate-related programming into one shirt, and offers no evidence the week ever ended. It lives in the vault now for reasons we legally are no longer allowed to disclose.

Buy the shirt. Buy the poster. Check the vault.

If you encounter another ape product beneath Ape Week, do not continue excavating.