Learning Day: Kokey (Patreon)

Do you believe in aliens? I dont. Now I aint trying to convince anybody about anything, just letting you know where Im comin from on this one. I got lots of people I love and respect in my life who do believe, and I read most of the books they told me about and I just mostly came away realizing theres some people out there who think if they remembered something, then it must of really happened and damn, thats gotta be a rough way to live.

I’ll put it this way, put on your imagination here with me for a second: play like if you were a expaditionary space-person from a faraway planet of shapeshifter types and your job was to head out and look at inhabited but uncontacted planets and figure out how to best kinda sneak your way in. But not in like a movie alien-soldier way, more like a real-life, boring grad-student kinda way. Like if: a part of gettin a okay status and position on your home planet (and supposedly some safety and security along with it) was you had to obtain certain educatins and certifications that’d let you do more specialized work. And so you decided on a good career path would be: doctoral of Xenology, with a concentration in Pre-Colonization Reconnaissants.

Well lets think about how that might play out if your committee assigned you to do your big final project on: This Island Earth. First thing after arrivin and gettin set up in a invisible orbit in your cheap lil monitorin craft is: youd probably just do a rough once-over to get a sense of what it is that these earthlins value most. Like after they get food and houses up and goin, what do they spend most of there resources and energy buildin there biggest temples to?

Ah, entertainment! So you figure thats a reasonable entry vector and you start craftin up some hopefully crowd-pleasin stories about different types of visitors from the beyond and slippin em into the water supply so to speak and seein which extraterrestres the earthlins seem to accept and love and which ones not so much. One of your first tries is a pretty big swing but

Bingo.

They fuckin love this one down there, bless em. You try another one, mostly the same ingredients but changin it up a bit:

Holy shit. Space Eureka. The little guys down there cant get enough. They love it so much. You yourself actually preferred that Personal Best one mentioned down in the corner there, real empathetic you thought, but still quite sexy. Ahead of its time for sure. But that aint gonna make it into any research journals so you write up your ET findings, send em in, and get back a bunch a atta-kids and were proud of yous from your committee: “

From your spot up there you can see that all the earthlins are way more the same than different, but THEY think they got a bunch a different subtypes, so you start making some regional variations.

Middlin results at best. Your fondness for Personal Best influenced the attempt there on the right, but this planet is still sadly reluctants around queerin things up. You find one of the spots you havent tested directly yet, a lil spot out in the ocean with kind of its own thing goin on

You run some simulations and get a promisin’ pre-production treatment figgered out:

Oh yes, this is gonna be it. Your puttin your goddamned 7-chambered heart and ancestral-hive-linked soul into this one. Its gonna be PERFECT. It has to be. It has to be so hard that you decide that on this go-round your not just settin the seed out there and allowin it to do what it will, your gettin hands-on with this one: your leavin the ship and headin down there to oversee this one personally. Maybe it aint quite in line with a pure scientific inquiry but its time now to micromanage your way to that fuckin diploma. And if leavin your craft has the inceldental consequence of somebody doesnt have to re-render all their gifs using that spaceship window graphic, well thats just a happy bonus now isnt it.

You start it off like you always thought ET should have started:

A child whose honestly a pretty good actor sings a tender song about his beautiful country. To his beautiful country. Would that his name was Ernie Zarate, but thats a differnt guy.

You start addin in the ET ingredients you figure are important to a good blend:

Cutie Kid Sister, this time without cocaine:

State-of-the-art special fx:

Terrifyin adult bad-guys. The guns made it messy last time, so you update it with swords and horsies:

Winnin the audiences heart over early on by showin that our visitor is just a lil guy, shipwreckt and alone. You spare no expense to make it look good:

Sometimes our first-contact moments can be scary so it helps to smooth it out with humour and good acting:

Haha perfect maybe one more time just in case:

As a shapeshifter with little attachment to physical-form, youve NEVER understood what humans find cute and what they find hideous and repulsive so you throw in some more peril for sympathy:

This looks great, those puppet folks just DELIVERED on the realistic cryin monster face you asked for.

Just in case some people arent formin a warm emotional bond with Kokey, you dress him up in a cute outfit.

Okay plot time. Tried and true is showin that alien powers will be used only for good, like hurlin a snatch-purse to his doom and demise.

That was a fun day on set, that stunt fella was such a pro, he decided on his own that he must maintain control of that purse at all costs through the whole dive.

Touchdown! Kokey wasnt the only one clappin thats for sure. How are we feelin about this everybody? Okey-Kokey?

Fuckin-A right we are.

Okay that did get a lil violent, but the medic says the stuntman will probly be up and at em for the wrap-party. Maybe on crutches. You decide to levin it up with a bit more of Kokeys adorable lil face:

That is too cute. This makes you remember the reeces-peeces from ET, so you add that in:

Ok Yeah thats the good shit. Children will for certain identify with how Kokey simply cannot help himself around, um. Meat? Wet bread?

Hm it’s pretty shiny so meat probably. Both the little person and the child who take turns being Kokey are gettin pretty complainy about how the costume is startin to smell like PE clothes you forgot in your locker all summer but theres no time NO TIME for laundry. If they unnerstood the stakes here you know they’d agree.

Uh oh it looks like its starting that there havin a hard time even seein out of the mask. One almost mom-grope shot is probably fine, but yeah lets get that mask hosed out actually.

Beauty, look at those soul-filled eyes. You throw in a lil stigmata, some lite panderin to a major earth superstition demographical group never hurt.

Ok, phone-home time:

Your cryin right there along with Kokey. You actually really do miss your mom and dad you realize. Being away like this sucks, what were you thinkin? Nobody else in your family has a degree and their all fine actually. About as happy or as unhappy as anybody else, but at least they get to actually spend time with each other instead of givin up the days and nights of there youth to monitorin these bullshit earth animals. Ok, settle down, Deep Breath, in one lung and out the cloaca. Your almost there, eyes on the prize, think of how nice itll be to get sabbaticals.

Lets get the rest of those iconic ET moments in the can:

Good flow good flow. Oops tho: your not quite hittin the minimum run-time, let’s pump back out into some more blastin. You ran out of full-grown stunt earthlins a while ago, but no problem: theres tons of little ones to throw in there.

Excellent, shes really comin along now. Still need to pad it out a bit though, hm. It always bugged you that they switched to the bear costume for that otherwise real cool dance-sequence in mac n me, maybe let’s get some good choregraophy going in here. Kokey? A magical bridge to a enchanted dance-floor, if you please.

Oh my gosh its spectacular.

Wheeeee! Now, dance.

Yes. Dance!

Dance your hearts song Kokey.

Dance with the six-flags-dad child, Dance!

DANCE KOKEY DANCE.

IN A ENGLISH ACCENT FOR EXTRA EMOTION DAHNCE KOKEY DAHNCE

Your eyes are filled with ecto-tears its too majestic. Whatever happens, whatever becomes of you, your research, your degree…you cant know and you dont need to, for you are present in this here moment. On this fuckin piece-a-shit blue marble…you hate it you realize. You had to deny that to even yourself until now, the implications felt too scary. But Kokey has opened you, you can see the hate and make room for it and now, havin recognized and accepted it, you can also see that the hate has edges, and beyond those, there is you, here, now. And Kokey. And Love. Surely this is awareness fulfilled, there couldnt possibly be more than this.

OOOHHHHHH SHIT KOKEY FUCKIN DROPPED IT IN A PANTOMIME OF THE SEXUAL-POSITIONIN’ OF THE MATING EARTHLIN LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Oh right you remember theres still some beats you need to hit, okay lets wrap it up

Its hard to get the kids in and out of the costumes so sometimes they really need to pee by the time you get hatch workin right

You came up with the twist that Kokey is of royal stock, you love that shit.

But the joy of this reunitin’ is holdin hands with a sorrowsome goodbye.

Wait did Kokey look at the goddamn camera? How the hell did that even happen those eyes move by rubber-bands attached to the child’s braces. Shit, fuck! You cant redo it its 4 am, you got to get these smoke machines back to the rental place before they open.

Kokey stop looking down the barrel jesus christ, that other kid is workin so hard dont fuck him on this.

There we go good call on the tight shot.

Holy shit, did you actually pull this off!?

Opo indeed.

Okay, youve done all you can do. You know what it was and that you were there for it and thats what really matters. But it’d still be nice if it worked. Back to the ship, to rest. You settle into your cryo-pod, set the alarm, cross your spindly, knuckly, finger-like genitalia for luck…and sleep.

Ding

You take a look.

Maybe this feelin wont last, but you got a suspicion this is what they had in mind when they invented the word contentment.

So all that to say Kokey I guess is why I want to believe, a little bit anyway.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: ND, who is hell yeah blastin. Look at those kids gettin fucked up with the blasts. Kunin mo ang mga batang ’yan, Kokey! Pasabugin mo sila hanggang impiyerno!

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