Fucking Day: Chinese Lovemaking Secrets (Patreon)

In a forbidden temple in the Orient, kung fu sex masters perfected erotic styles of martial arts for your balls and entrusted them to only one White man. That is the real and very real origin story of the 1986 VHS tape, Chinese Lovemaking Secrets.

Special thanks to my friend Bad Candy Mark for showing me this, who is now 0-for-49 in getting movie night to turn into an orgy. And this was the furthest he ever came. Because Chinese Lovemaking Secrets starts with forty minutes of ancient Chinese boredom. Your boner will die of old age long before it has any use for…

"Chinese writing on lovemaking dates approximately back to 2698 B.C." the narrator says, presumably right after saying to the copywriter, "You guys can't narrow it down to the month? The exact year, 2698, is as close as you can come to the invention of erotic secrets? Fine, then I'm going to add the word approximately. Sloppy work, sex historians. Pathetic." The narrator says several hundred more things like that while the video cuts to random stills of scrolls and dragon placemats like the dullest husband getting last minute gifts at the Beijing airport.

Some wise and horny philosopher invented the idea of men and women not being enemies. I think that's him, I wasn't really listening. The point is, this concept of not strangling women grew into the idea of Yin and Yang. And I hope you're fascinated because they assume you're learning about Taoism right now, in this video about karate fucking.

They don't explain it very well. Men are good things, women are bad things, and this chart shows their migration pattern. Again, I wasn't listening. But I know most of this stuff from every nunchuck book.

The narrator gives a breathy and reverent introduction to the caretaker of 2698 B.C. (approximately) China's most guarded sex secrets, Grand Master Chaio Chang Huang. It is a true honor for us, they insist. Master Chaio Huang, who doesn't normally spell either name like that, tells us of his origin.

You've probably seen a kung fu movie, and so has Grand Master Chaio, so he grew up in a secret kung fu temple in the mountains. As a boy he climbed higher up the mountain and found a secret kung fu temple. A high priest emerged and held up one finger. He asked Young Master Chaio to move it, and he could not. Chaio begged to learn this technique, and the high priest agreed as long as he got his grandfather's permission. Their conversation was not included in the video, but I imagine it went like this:

Chaio: "I found a secret forbidden temple, can I switch to their kung fu style?"

Grandfather: "Wait, you mean those sex guys? In the temple suburbs?"

Chaio: "I don't know. He just did a thing I can't explain with his finger."

Grandfather: "Tell them it's a yes from me."

What was th– huh. For a second there, I thought I saw something insane. Anyway, the high priest trusted Master Chaio with the 9 Little Heaven Technique. The nine little heavens are, in order: boxing, swordsmanship, and bone marrow washing. I'm done listing little heavens because so is Master Chaio. After being entrusted with the Private No Seriously We Have to Keep This Secret Bone Washing Technique taught only to little boys with cool grandpas, Master Chaio decided he needed to share it with the world. He started his own temple where he even taught it to a white man, James McNeil.

Master Chaio gives only one detail about James McNeil, and I think you'll agree it's enough: James is the first Westerner to lift over 150 pounds with his genitals.

The video cuts from a thing, some hazy thing my mind won't accept to five sad people being sentenced to the Phantom Zone for star perversion. The narrator says the first aspect of lovemaking is breathing. "Without it we cannot exist," he explains. And he doesn't mean it as a philosophical metaphor. He seems to really think it's education. He explains how you can live without food or water for a while, but breathing? I mean, forget it, you definitely need to do breathing. My point is, if we're spending three minutes on inhaling, we are a long way from swinging barbell weights from our dick. That's a weird example, I wonder why that popped into my brain.

While the martial artists(?) stand motionless for so long, far more than you're imagining, the video promises to teach us five things: breathing, vagina upkeep, not ejaculating, not ejaculating, and kissing. The backstory of Taoism was 700 times longer than a human can hold their breath, so if you're still alive you're good on breathing. Which means this is more like three things if you're a man, or two if you're a woman. And I think James knows enough about the sex kung fu VHS market to know you're not a woman.

After cutting away briefly to a silhouette of the mustached one sucking on titties, it cuts back to James and his students. I'll obviously call them Cranky Ron Perlman, Mommy Cigarettes, Unexplainable Hotgirl, and Fuck Mario.

They stare at us for a lifetime. They really are standing there teaching us how to breathe by breathing. They cut to worthless charts drawn by a madman. It's the same drawing, over and over, filled with different amounts of frantic little arrows. They look like courtroom exhibits in a case where a man murdered his Pictionary team for getting stuck on the word "LUNGS." This video couldn't get any stranger if it opened with a man daring physics to pull his penis off. Sorry, that's another weird example. I don't know where that came from.

Anyway, that wraps up the breathing sect–

Never mind. Now that we know what breathing is and why we should always do it, it's time to learn BREATHING EXERCISE.

For the first time in the video, someone moves! It's to demonstrate how air goes into your face and down into your body, but it finally proves these are real people and not wax training sculptures used by the sex monks. My notes here say "Mommy Cigarettes has the posture of a woman who only fucks in her car, and the vacant stare of someone left for dead in an ice fishing accident." That isn't relevant, but if you already knew how to breathe, there's plenty of time for your mind to wander in Chinese Lovemaking Secrets.

BREATHING EXERCISE will seem familiar if you already know JUST REGULAR BREATHING. I'm not ashamed to admit I went into this video thinking, "I don't need this, I'm already a forbidden fuckmaster," but it's still reassuring to know I already knew all this stuff.

The narrator says you can do this breathing "even if you're just driving or walking," which is a funny thing to say, but not as funny as jump-cutting to Cranky Ron Perlman and Fuck Mario fiercely show you how to breathe with your balls.

When they zoom in real tight on the buns, you can see these men are not as idle as they appeared. Beneath their karate pants is a fury of activity. For breathing with your balls is a lot like normal breathing, except you tighten your testicles and anus. I'm not ashamed to admit I went into this video thinking, "I already open and contract my butthole with every breath," but it's still reassuring to know I already knew this stuff.

Let's move on to TESTICLE EXERCISE. It's very similar to TESTICLE-BREATHING EXERCISE. In fact, it's exactly the same. Precisely, word-for-word, the same. I don't know why they included it, I assume when I do it will be the final step of my testicle training. But since the video is repeating it, I will too: you breathe in with your balls and anus like a cool gunfighter, and out with your balls and anus like a confused fish. There are helpful drawings:

If you're showing these drawings you are a coward for two reasons. One, a true master would have charged the camera to demonstrate this with their own genitals. And two, if you're a master of martial arts, what is the point of them if you're not using them to kill the illustrator who handed in this? These suck. This is how a cartoon turtle would teach Yugoslavians how to go potty. Also, the science is really outdated. Most modern testicle trainers will tell you this kind of repetitive stress will worsen your dick's smile lines.

They stare blank-faced for several more minutes, pulsing their balls at us. May I die without ever having to type anything crazier.

Since the ladies are still away and it's just us boys, let's work on CONTROLLING EJACULATION. The narrator advises, "Don't let your semen control you." He also suggests, "Wear loose pants or nothing at all so your testicles can hang." As for the technique, you're going to see this coming, but it's the exact same breathing instructions only your balls are dangling over the front of your chair. They do give some useful sex tips like if you're about to ejaculate, stop and wait for the woman. Finally, something I didn't already know!

Oh. Oh, shit. Okay, fellas.

Oh. Oh, shit. I think Cranky Ron Perlman can see me.

Let's move on to STOMACH -TESTICLE RUBBING EXERCISE, and I think that's well-named enough I don't need to describe it to you.

Just in case, you rub your tummy and balls 81 times, then switch hands and go the other way. But do it real menacingly. Do it like James' master was taught by the high priest of the lost temple when he was a little boy. Fuck, I wish none of that had occurred to me. Fuck. Oh, thank god, a ridiculous drawing of a nude man swirling his penis. "We don't need this at all, for any reason, but I'm not going to let an illustration this good go to waste," said the editor of Chinese Lovemaking Secrets.

Time for LOWER BACK RUBBING EXERCISE. The narrator explains this is for those times after sex when your back and kidneys are sore. Okay, keep this a secret: I have no idea what he's talking about. I will deny it if you tell anyone, but I have never laid it down so hard I blew a kidney. Though if, no when, it happens in the future, I now know the ancient technique of glaring at my partner while I rub my back exactly 81 times.

Sure, why ever not, throw another little hip wiggle in there. We're here for pleasure, after all.

STOPPING EJACULATION sounds like a kung fu move you wouldn't teach to someone holding a permission slip from their grandpa, but approximately 2698 B.C. was a different time. Let's just go through the technique, step-by-ste– okay, you poke your taint. That's the whole thing. You have a secret ass button you can hit in an emergency. You're about to finish early? Reach back and poke your taint. It's as simple as it sounds, as Fuck Mario's shadow will demonstrate:

Hell yeah, she'll barely notice that. Or maybe she will because the narrator says, "You'll feel a throbbing and your erection will go down." So I guess this is a full off switch, not a deceleration. It also might be dangerous? They tell us to check with our prostate doctor to see if it's safe to try. Like I haven't already asked him, "Doc, while you have my chart handy, what do my numbers say about kung fu butt play? Oh, sure, I can show you what I mean. It's way simpler than it sounds."

Now something for the ladies: TIGHTENING VAGINAL MUSCLES. Motionless, like bizarrely motionless, each woman slams vulva crunches so "she and her mate can derive more pleasure." James, probably, joins them with his own urethra kegels. They explain for the 25th time how to breathe, long enough for viewers to wonder how any woman heard this premise, saw this set, met these men, and still agreed to do this. The only reason a woman goes to sex kung fu class is to evade a bounty hunter. Whatever these women did, they have run out of places to hide.

You already knew the high priest teaching penis kung fu to curious children knew some forbidden foot stuff. It turns out each of your toes is linked to a specific organ and working out that toe makes its organ better. For instance, your baby toe is associated with the bladder, so wiggling it shou– god damn it. I just bought this chair.

Okay, I'm back. Looks like the next secret, forbidden lovemaking technique is HEAD TILTING EXERCISE.

For this sex secret, you slowly, no slower than that, look up while you breathe with your vagina and butt. It's easy, this picture shows you how:

If you've heard tales of Buddhist monks or just seen The Karate Kid, you're familiar with powerful abilities being taught through seemingly mundane activities. As the stories go, a master may tell you to tap a tree with your finger for years and when you demand to know when he's finally going to teach you gong fu, he reveals you can now reach back and stop any erection with a poke. That's when you are humbled, knowing the legends to be true. I hope that's what is happening here. Otherwise I've spent an hour sucking air up my butt for no reason.

"The Chinese believe this exercise is good for losing weight," says the narrator about STOMACH RUBBING EXERCISE. They're probably not right, since it's another tummy rub, but I'm filled with 1250 gallons of compressed air, so I'm open to any idea that will relea

…

Sorry, I'm back. I was in the sky, soaring on a jet of anus air.

"A stupid flock of arrows on a naked woman," announces Ken Jennings. Smoke is coming off my buzzer as I hit it again and again. "What is the best way to draw clockwise!" I scream for 400 dollars. "Let's stay here, Kung Fu for 600," I say.

Finally, at the climax of the video, they move on to FOREPLAY. The narrator has some specific thoughts about it. "The Tao believes women should always be fully satisfied during intercourse with 30 minutes minimum of foreplay," he says. He tells us to start with the hands and mouth but "do not let her have an orgasm with your hands and mouth." These might sound like standard non-Chinese lovemaking secrets, but remember– this is for people who have been breathing with their dick hole for hours. Your partner is in an exciting amount of danger.

Let's move on to the five signs of desire:

I know how this sounds. You're thinking, "Breasts Harden? Shorter Breaths? Overcome by Passion? These don't sound like secrets." You're thinking, "This is how a below-average stable hand takes me when he senses my dampness." And yeah, fine. You're right. Let's move on to something advanced. Something you've never heard of: sex.

The very experienced among you may know this as "missionary," but the high priests call it "NINE SHALLOW ONE DEEP [weird page break] TECHNIQUE." It's done by having the most normal sex possible because the video that dedicated 40 minutes to breathing and why you should do it has low expectations of its viewer.

"Only penetrate her if her body straightens and her eyes close," says the narrator. "That's sort of strange advice," my brain says. "It must have been translated badly from you can practice this on a cadaver," my brain also says. "What the fuck," my mouth says. I think this video has left my mind without stimuli for too long and the darkness is creeping in.

The next technique is called ROTATING HIPS, and it takes some setup. You need to put two pillows under the woman, we assume she's already straightened and with her eyes closed, and each of you agrees to grind a different direction. The narrator says "if you're about to orgasm, pull out, suck up with your testicles, and caress your mate. Do this as often as you need to." This sounds pretty fun, but the instructor may be out of ideas. I think he panicked and included a Swedish meatball recipe.

The author's third forbidden Chinese lovemaking technique is CRAWLING POSITION. If you're an australopithecus, you'll recognize this as the first thing you tried when you discovered your penis has stopped flopping. This technique is so self-evident the narrator stops giving tips and quietly watches the shadows fuck. So we've covered normal, normal-from-behind, and shoving a pillow under her and trying stuff. It's time to move on to…

PILLOW UNDER BACK? Yeah, this guy has definitely run out of sex ideas. You can't rearrange the pillows under the lady and call it a new move. What's next, secret fuck master? WOMAN ON TOP?

Oh.

WOMAN ON TOP adds an obvious problem. If the man is on the bottom (rare) and about to finish (common), he won't be able to pull out or poke his own taint. Men, the ancient priest who invented this technique and shared it with one special boy who then shared it with one strong-penised White has you covered. If you're feeling close to an orgasm, simply stiffen up and move all the air in your lungs and the room to your anus. Simply freeze in place under her and reverse fart, she will love it.

A full three minutes of the video are dedicated to this picture of James with his sex instructor, Grand Master Chiao. At least I think it's a picture. This could be a full speed demonstration of their power. I know enough about Master Chiao's style to know if he shouted "Show me your technique!" James would stand very still and constrict his balls and penis like a shy hedgehog. "Western living has made you soft!" Master Chaio might say as he calmly pulls an entire chair into his asshole. "You taught me never to give uuupppp!" James might shriek as his testicles chew through his underpants and rebuild the chair from shattered debris. What am I talking about? I'm starting to realize I may have spent too much time watching disturbing people squeeze their assholes right at me.

The video ends the way it started and stayed: fucking weird. Master Chiao barks at us about history and magic and the longevity powers of bone marrow washing. He tells us "to die at 100 years old is an early death" before he fades out mid-sentence and dies at age 89 from natural causes. Sorry that came out like a punchline, but I figured you were curious. I definitely was, so I looked up what the rest of the masters of Chinese Lovemaking Secrets were up to.

First off, one of the camera operators was named Won Hung Lo, and that's fun. That's like a gardener the main character might meet in a movie called Austin Powers Goes to China.

Fuck Mario's real name is Joji Hollands, and I don't like how I'm going to put this, but he used his sex kung fu to teach crippled kids how to fight using their crutches as battle platforms. Awesome. Like his student Joji, James McNeil also pivoted away from sex kung fu and into adorable combat. He produced videos of himself as a cute little guy using weapons and the non-penis parts of his body to fight.

He also seems to have trained in a style that regrows hair, and good for him! But I just watched a video where he claims to have invented missionary position in 1986, so I was skeptical. I googled "james mcneil +toupee" and found this:

It's an article written by Mike Patterson, a fellow Tai Chi master, about how James McNeil is a stupid bald bitch.

Mike wrote a 2000 word rebuttal to a story James tells about the time he hit Mike with a chi blast onto a hotel bed and barely didn't kill him. James claims he told Mike, and I quote, "You're lucky I am going out right now or I would make you go ahead and lick my ass."

In Mike's version, there were no magic bolts or ass licking threats. Mike claims he made a sacred promise to his master, Hsu Hong Chi, to not beat up James, and the second he threatened to break that promise James ran away and hid in his hotel room. I'm worried both of these men are little baby pussies, but let's let them finish the story.

James McNeil went to Master Hsu and said he would, for reals, have a death battle in front of the whole school to settle things. But their fated battle was not to be! Master Hsu forbade it, even though Master Hsu said James would totally win, you guys. "Yes, Master," accepted the expert in sex kung fu. It was humiliating and demeaning, but I'm starting to realize that's a big part of sex kung fu.

"Nuh-uh!" is MIke's side of the story. So I don't know who to believe. Speaking of martial artists with no balls and a lot of feminine energy, let's move on to the two improbable women in Chinese Lovemaking Secrets. Their names are Kapura Ching and Pamela Neander, and according to Google, they are either missing or wisely never did anything in public again. As for Cranky Ron Perlman, his real name is Paul Nensewitz…

… and he should be considered at large and very, very dangerously bonered.

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