Hot Dog Store: Give Them Something They Can’t Unknow (Patreon)

What’s the scariest thing you could get someone for Halloween? A haunted doll? They can throw that away. A cursed videotape? Good luck finding a VCR. A skeleton? They already have one. Check before you buy things for people.

No, the truly frightening gift is knowledge. Cursed, forbidden knowledge. The kind that takes up permanent residence in the part of your brain that used to remember the faces of your children.

Give someone a 1-900-HOTDOG Patreon membership. We have so much of that shit.

Somewhere out there, your friend is having a perfectly normal day. They don’t know 1,001 ways to do anything. They haven’t experienced Video Baby. They still believe a man needs qualifications before he can invent a martial art.

You could change all of that!

Our writers dig through terrible books, baffling movies, and instructional materials that should have been interrupted by a loved one. Then they make jokes about them. Your friend gets comedy, you get someone who finally understands your terribly upsetting references to Mario fanfiction discords. It’s win-win!

Choose a tier and a gift length on Patreon, then send them the gift link. One month, a year, or something in between, whatever, they get the selected tier’s benefits for that time. You decide how long the membership lasts, but neither of you gets to decide how long they remember.

Speaking of things that require a long explanation, let’s open the vault.

Buy! That! Grave! The! Shirt!

If you have vault access, this is the shirt to wear when someone asks what you’ve been reading lately. They’ll point at your chest. They’ll ask whose grave. You’ll say, “Okay, first I have to explain this website,” and there goes the rest of their evening.

Want to include vault access in your gift? Choose a tier that includes it! The shirt is a separate purchase. We can put forbidden knowledge in someone’s head, but they still have to dress themselves.

Give the gift of knowing too much. When they say “you shouldn’t have,” you’ll know it worked.