Behind-the-Song: I'll Never pt.4 (Patreon)

The one where I tried to set boundaries!

As I think we may all know by now, I am not, and have never been, very good at setting and enforcing boundaries for myself... 😅 It took me a very long time to get it in my head that setting boundaries is healthy for me and for my relationships with others, and so is ultimately a good thing. To constantly remind myself that people who care about me would probably rather I set clear boundaries and remind them of those when needed, than unknowingly and unintentionally hurt me or make me feel uncomfortable. I still need reminding of that. Often. I am still bad at it 🙈 BUT: I am trying. And that's the best I can do for now, so it's enough.

When I wrote this song, it was during the time when I was just freshly starting to take steps to set healthier boundaries with people. And pretty clearly to me, the relationship I had with mystery human X who inspired verse two of "I'll Never" needed some very clear boundaries.

When you call, don't know what to do / 'Cause I told you that I don't want to / What's a wall if you walk right through?

So I set some boundaries. I took a day to process our conversation, where I was like "hey, I maybe might feel feelings" and mystery human X was like "I mean...not now...but like...? 👀" and decided that I was right and that was big red flag territory.

So I decided we should stop our more casual chats/calls because they very frequently ended up being flirty (which mystery human X will probably deny to their grave, but...it was very obvious...and they also went out of their way to not be around their partner when they called me, so...). But I also said that I would still be around for any questions that came up related to our more "working" relationship (music things). And I may have set some other boundaries, but I genuinely do not remember anymore. Either way, they agreed.

And then they reached out literally the next day. About something that it would make sense to have asked me about, but also... literally anyone else in our mutual music circles could have answered. But I answered. And then they kept reaching out. And they started calling me whenever they weren't home again, and so the boundary crumbles...

And it feels like it's on purpose 'cause what's to misconstrue?

I tried to reinforce the boundaries at first, but eventually... what was the point of setting/reinforcing boundaries if they were never respected? After trying to set boundaries and trying to reinforce those boundaries, ultimately it just felt like they didn't matter.

At first, I blamed myself. I thought, I'm just letting this happen. I'm not doing a good job of reinforcing boundaries.

But if you keep having to remind someone of a boundary, maybe they're not listening. Maybe they just don't care that there's a boundary there. Maybe they're always going to find ways around it. Maybe they're going around it on purpose.

Because after so many times crossing the same line, being constantly pushed back over the line and reminded that it's there... is there anything left to have misperceived? How could they not know where the line is?

Eventually it just feels like they don't respect the boundary. And by extension, do they really respect you?

And yet... *cue chorus 3*