Unfinished Song Vault: "Nothing" (Patreon)

Sometimes I get frustrated with my situation... Most times I am frustrated with my situation. Sometimes it's overwhelming and I write about it.

I think with the past month being so busy and my health being so out of control, this piece resonates with me a lot right now. (TLDR at the bottom...sorry 🙈)

I wrote this piece when I was recovering from my concussion last year. I had started streaming again, but they were shorter streams and I was completely not functional between streams. I needed to be working because I'd been two months essentially without an income and while I factor some savings into my stream goals, they only go so far 🫣

So I was feeling frustrated that the work I needed to be doing was so painful and so draining, but like...what was the alternative? And at the time, it just felt like people expected too much from me. I was back to streams, so I must be back to being active in all things; I must be okay and able to take care of myself, too... only I physically couldn't. And it sucked. I wanted to be able to do more, but I just couldn't. And that's extra frustrating as someone who constantly feels like I'm behind and I'm not doing enough 😅😬

On an average day, I am dealing with migraines, joint pain from hypermobility (which also causes my spinal vertebrae to be chronically misaligned), blood sugar dysregulation, and for some yet-to-be-diagnosed reason, paresthesia in my right limbs. I won't go into the specifics about all the pain and other issues that just these three things cause.

Unfortunately, those things are not even the only things wrong on a day-to-day, and honestly, I'm not telling you this for pity or even a level of true understanding. I just want to paint the baseline. For the purposes of understanding where these lyrics and the emotional dread in them are coming from, I think it's helpful to have a basic idea of what "the norm" is for me. Especially since I know that, generally speaking, I look fine. I look healthy. I look like I have all the energy in the world.

I generally manage with the day-to-day. It's a lot and it sucks sometimes, but... when the options are "be in pain, wallow in it, and be miserable", or "be in pain, but try to make the most of what you can do...ideally without causing further pain" you gotta pick option B as often as you can 🤷‍♀️ Once you get used to it, if you're going to be in pain either way, what's the harm in doing things you enjoy despite it? I mean, aside from burnout and making things worse, but you do your best to avoid that (although most of us spoonies are bad at that 😅)

But when something else is going on in addition to the day-to-day, it can sometimes feel like the end of the world. And for me, I often feel like I'm being a little baby 😂 Like, seriously? A cold is going to leave me completely debilitated? Really? But sometimes when you've got a lot going on, the smallest thing can be what causes everything to topple over.

So this past month, when I started having seizures again, and then I got laryngitis again, I was genuinely indescribably more exhausted. I was struggling to stand most days.

And then I went to Europe because I'd planned the trip last year and I'd been so determined to make sure my sister got to see Taylor Swift (for those who don't yet know, yes, I do a lot for SisterUnmuted; not because she asks me to, but because she's the most important person in my life and I just want her to be happy). And because I was in Europe and trying to make sure my sister was having a good time, I was pushing through every day. Using spoons (energy) I didn't have every day. Having consecutive days that would normally require a prompt recovery day, with no time to recover.

And then I was home for 76 hours, still a little sick, and back to stream - which is inherently exhausting on its own 🙈 And then I left for a road trip with MomUnmuted because she'd planned it a year ago and wanted to take me for my birthday. Truthfully, we didn't even go on a single proper hike. I didn't walk for more than 15-20 minutes on any given day. I was so exhausted.

And now I'm back again. And thankfully, I've got today and tomorrow to mostly recover - assuming I don't do more work out of guilt/anxiety 😅 But I am exhausted. I am so drained that I'm back to sitting down to brush my teeth because I just can't stand for that long. I am, once again, writing this post from bed.

Anyway... TLDR; Concussed KT really nailed it on the head when trying to describe in words what it feels like to be trying to do all the things when I maybe shouldn't be doing all the things, and I'm feeling that recently 😅 And emotionally, all I want to do is just stop. Everything. As sad and maybe worrisome as it sounds, I just want everything to stop. I want to stop existing. I don't want to die, but I just am tired of being. If you've never been there, that might not make sense, but I promise I'm not in crisis. I'm just...tired.

Lyrics:

How do I wake up tomorrow

Knowing that pain is sure to follow?

Everything's a mess

And god, I'm such a wreck

If only they knew

That I can't do anything

But I can't do nothing

I don't wanna be nothing

Or maybe I do

What do I do...?