Behind-the-Song: I'm Here pt.1 (Patreon)

This song hits me in very different ways depending on when I'm playing it/thinking about it (more details on that at the end of this post), although I think for the most part, this song breakdown will be pretty short and straightforward. 😅

I wrote this song about constantly feeling like I'm the person all my friends go to when something is wrong, but feeling like I somehow never have someone to turn to when I need support. Feeling used up. And feeling hung out to dry. And about all the times those same friends have expected too much of me.

You're tired, on the brink of giving up / I'm here / You're wondering just who you've become / I'm here

I included both the verse and pre-chorus in this post specifically because I think the verses are pretty self explanatory 😅

These verses are very much just giving context and variety to illustrate a point: even when things are especially tough, I'll be here however I can be. I am here to support the people I care about. And I want to be.

No matter the time I will answer your call / But what happens to me when you get what you want?

In the past, and when I wrote this song, I had a tendency to be present for others to the detriment of my own wellbeing. I'm working on that...

But it was not uncommon for me to take phone calls/Instagram calls between 2-5am. It was not uncommon for me to fully drop whatever I was doing to take a call from a friend or to "answer their call" and be where they needed me.

And I don't say all that to be boastful, like, "oh, look at me; I'm so caring and selfless"... I actually think, at least at this extreme, it's unhealthy and kind of... not a good thing 🙈

But then when I needed support... I'll get into more things throughout the song, but for the purposes of just providing context for this section... Essentially I was just very used to people quite literally leaving me once I no longer served to support them in their struggles and endeavors. If they no longer needed support from me, they no longer needed me in their life.

And it sucked 🤷‍♀️

I have such a strange relationship with this song overall. I wrote it about all the times I'm giving too much of myself. And when I'm doing that again, this song hits me really hard and I feel a little alone, but it's also a good wakeup call to maybe give less of myself and communicate healthier boundaries.

But at the same time, when I'm not giving all of myself, when I'm maintaining and reinforcing those boundaries, or just doing what's best for me, this song makes me feel guilty 🫣 I know that's not logical. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of me even if it means I can't be as present for friends who need support. I also communicate when I'm not able to be present for friends. I let them know what ways I am or am not able to be a support for them.

But in those times, this song reminds me that I used to be able to give more. And why can't I just suck it up and give more? Why can't I just be there for them? I'm being a bad friend 😭

And I know I'm not being a bad friend. And I know that what I was doing before wasn't healthy. Or sustainable for that matter. But it's sometimes hard to not compare myself to past me with rose-tinted glasses.

Also, I would just like to note that, generally, I have much healthier relationships now 😅👍