Behind-the-Song: I'm Here pt.4 (Patreon)

I've never really thought about it a ton, but looking back at this now, I'm actually kind of proud of how I wrote this last chorus.

I think it's a good, if unintentional, depiction of the nature of change: it's slow 😅 Change does happen all at once. Even learning to set boundaries, especially as a compulsive people pleaser, can be tough and step-wise.

When I wrote this, I remember writing it from the perspective of: I still want to be here for everyone and give as much of me as I can, but I don't want to be made to feel like an asshole if/when I can't be. Because I really physically can't be, all the time. And I was so frustrated, with myself honestly, because I felt awful for wanting to put any boundaries in place. I felt like to do so would make me a bad friend. Even though I knew that I was still alone in my own struggles...

But looking back, it now reads to me as: I'll still be here, but I am setting boundaries on that. Because I'm tired of being used up. But also, it is of course me, so there's a little reassurance of: even though things are changing (ie. the boundaries), that doesn't mean I don't still care; that doesn't mean I won't still be here, giving as much as I reasonably can 🤷‍♀️

I think this was the beginning of me coming to terms with needing to make changes to have healthier relationships. I have, in the past, genuinely called a friend after they'd, last minute, cancelled on plans for roughly the 20th time in a row excluding my birthday (which they almost also missed... But didn't!), and straight up just said "You're being a bad friend." There was obviously more said and a lot of understanding and explanation, but... Those words were said 😅🫣

But despite having confronted people before about being unreliable/unsupportive, I'd never actually done anything else about it. And I'd always continued to just... put up with things the way they were 🤷‍♀️

Until around when I wrote this song. It was my first time setting expectations and setting boundaries. And trying to actually make an effort to avoid feeling completely drained and used up and guilty all the time.

And I think this chorus is such an accurate reflection of that. Just the beginning stages of: oh, something needs to change, but...baby steps 😅