Behind-the-Song: The Only Thing You Love pt.4 (Patreon)

I'm so sorry for the delay in finishing the song breakdowns for this one 🫣

This verse actually has the line that, for me personally, hits the hardest 👀


***DISCLAIMER: I am a bit concerned this one is more likely to be triggering for some, so please only read this if you are in an okay headspace 🫂❤️ While I am trying to not be super specific, it is sometimes hard to know the line between getting my point across and accidentally trauma dumping 🫣😬

Called me your petal, but now I'm the root of our problems / Try to support you, so more and be silent to solve them

This verse is similar to the last in illustrating how things change over time, starting out so positive with the love bombing, but eventually becoming toxic (and ultimately parasitic...why oh why didn't I find a cute sounding parasite...is Lily of the Valley an invasive species at least? Anyway...). With this verse, though, I tried to also shed light on how you change within the context of that relationship.

Because when you're gaslit and belittled and torn down at every opportunity; when you're constantly told that you're the problem, and given such fleeting glimpses of how things could be if you weren't so *fill in the blank* or if you could do/be more. Better. With all the manipulation, and – while I don't think I touched on it in this song – isolation, you do come to believe it. And you believe it more and more. And you become so alienated to your own self and your own worth.

And with that, you behave differently. You learn to make yourself smaller. Quieter. Less. So that you minimize the risk of harm. You minimize the risk of any form of confirmation of your own worthlessness – worse than that, your hideousness, in every form. Because if you're always the problem, you must be a monster.

"Anything you say (or do) can, and will, be used against you", regardless of intention or consequences. You're wrong; you're horrible; you're treacherous regardless. And how could you? How dare you? What's wrong with you? And yet, somehow, you're still nothing more than an inconvenience. Your life is so inconsequential. You are insignificant.

So you learn. To avoid that confrontation as much as possible. To avoid further evidence that you are what they seem to think you are. And you do absolutely everything in your power to support and accommodate them, to the detriment of yourself. And you never complain or "act out".

And you tell no one. Because you are the problem. And anyone could see that if they heard about any of it.

You say I'm not, but I think we're enough / All my relationships tell me this is love

This is where my favourite line is. It hits so hard for me...honestly this whole piece just really punches me in the gut 😅😬

As I think has become abundantly clear from various songs...and just...who I am as a person 🫣 I have a very deep-seated that I am not enough. And I am working on that. But I honestly have just had so many people in my life make me feel that way. And unfortunately, narcissists feed into that. A lot. I honestly think they can sense it and seek out people who already feel that way, but what do I know 🤷‍♀️

But despite being constantly made to feel that way about yourself, because you think you're the problem, it almost seems like a narcissist is actually doing you a favour by being around and "caring" about and/or "loving" you. And so that relationship becomes enough for you. You don't think you deserve more or better, or that anyone would ever treat you even as good. So the narcissistic relationship feels, ultimately, better than you deserve and you should be grateful! So you are... 🫠

Because, so often for people in narcissistic relationships, this is what you've been taught to believe. Because so often, people who keep narcissists in their lives have been surrounded by them at some point. Have been treated like this before and taught that it's normal. That's what love is. Love is pointing out and inflating your every flaw and telling you you need to do and be better. Love is hugging you and immediately turning around to tell you what an awful person you are. Love is telling you that your emotions aren't real and aren't valid, and expecting you to explain yourself and/or shut up. Because "tough love" is good for your character.


*I sincerely apologize if any of this was in fact a little retraumatizing for anyone. Please know that if any of the sentiments expressed / phrases used here resonated with you, I am so sorry; you deserve better. They were wrong; they didn't even mean it. They just wanted to hurt you and to use you. And no one deserves to be treated that way. You deserve good things. You are enough. You are loved. You matter. You are beautiful. And you deserve to take up space and be seen and heard.