Behind-the-Song: For Your Sins pt.4 (Patreon)

Sorry for the delay on this! To keep on track with the behind-the-song content, I am going to try to get pt.5 out tomorrow as well 👍

The second verse of this song is very much the point of realizing the power dynamic and the toxicity of the relationship...in this case probably more my reflective look back as opposed to what I was actually thinking at the time 😅🫠

You paint a perfect public picture / Well. Roll back the sleeves / No you won't let them see what's behind the scenes

This is something I knew at the time. It's something I learned to recognize early on.

You know how social media has resulted in people seeing only the highlights of people and their lives? Because that's what we want to post about! Social media isn't meant to be a representation of the whole picture. It's curated. It's thought out. And that's okay, because that's just what social media is. But while our brains sometimes need reminding, we know that what we see on social media should be taken with a grain of salt. We know what to expect. We know to approach with a certain level of skepticism. We know it's just a snapshot. We know it's not the whole truth. We know that in some cases it's not true at all.

And that's kind of like a narcissist, too. Except without the knowledge going in. Not everyone knows it's not real. Not everyone knows their behaviour is meticulously planned and practiced. Not everyone knows it's a manipulation. That it's not real.

Ultimately, that's probably at least a little bit the case with...most people. We all try to put our best foot forward when people are watching. But it feels more malicious when what's being hidden by the person someone pretends to be is abuse.

Have you ever had someone in your life who seems like a completely different person in public? Who treats you like trash, or says horrible things, or has terrifying or harmful thoughts/opinions/actions behind closed doors, but they act like an ever-agreeable absolute sweetheart in public? Someone who isn't just someone else in public - they're a wolf in sheep's clothing. They're charming. They're charismatic. But they are, secretly, deeply disturbed / toxic / abusive.

I learned very early on in life that there are people like that. I grew up with a few. People who, everyone who didn't know them would genuinely praise unprompted, but who hurt me in one way or another on a regular basis.

And while that felt shitty and unjust, I grew up with it. So I thought it was normal. I thought it was okay. I thought it was what I deserved. I thought that was just the way things were.

Do you feel powerful / When I'm bleeding / And you're the reason that I'm breaking down / 'Cause you'll say it's my fault...

This is most certainly a reflective part of the song 😅 I knew my relationship left me feeling really sad and empty most of the time, and I knew there was a lot wrong with it. But I don't think I had quite the level of awareness to have felt this way about it at the time...

I knew that I was blamed for everything that went wrong - it was my fault, I was being too sensitive/dramatic, I complain too much, etc. But I genuinely thought that it was my fault, even when it wasn't. And there wasn't ever any accountability on their end because even when they agreed that they had done something wrong, somehow it was my job to make them feel better about it. So I essentially trained my brain to believe that if they did something wrong, then it wasn't actually a problem anyway. Did they even do anything wrong?

But I knew that they made me sad. I knew that they were the reason I was crying all the time. And I knew that wasn't okay...

But I think the first line here, "do you feel powerful..." is what changes the tone and the meaning. Sure, I knew that they were hurting me and causing me to "break down", but I hadn't thought of it as malicious or manipulative.

But that's exactly why a narcissist treats you that way. To control you. To have power over you. Because they want to be with/around you insofar as it serves them. And that's why they have a separate public persona, as well. Because it discredits any complaint or negative thing you might say. Who would believe you? Not that it matters, because they also isolate you anyway...

Somehow, though, putting that in the song in this way made me  feel kind of powerful 😅 It feels like calling them out. And after years of being treated like garbage, that feels good.