Behind-the-Song: For Your Sins pt.5 (Patreon)

The last one! 🥳 (I probably wrote way too much...shock)

The bridge. Where I just say my thoughts...

Why am I the one to pick up the pieces / That you left in your wake / How come the monsters never pay the price / For the people that they break

...and get sad about how unfair the world is 😅👍

I wrote this purely out of frustration, anger, and resentment at the prospect that my seizures might have been caused by trauma. The injustice of my continued suffering despite being out of the relationship.

This part of the song is very much my way of saying "how dare you continue to cause me pain without even being here" and "how is this stupid asshole still hurting me?" Because it felt like such bullshit that I now had to figure out how to fix this problem that happened because of things I had no control over; I have to fix the problem that someone else caused. Because it's manifested physically and I am the only one who can do anything about that?

Turns out that wasn't the cause anyway, but it happens. And it could have been. And that made me mad. And I thought: that's stupid. I'm gonna sing about it. Humph 😤

I hope you pay someday / And I'll be doing great / 'Cause I'm done paying / Yeah, that debt is yours to take

And then I got sassy 💁‍♀️ (kind of 😅)

Sure, maybe it's petty to wish bad things for others - especially exes - but I needed that emotional processing, okay? Let me have this one 😂 I want him to be miserable and me to be living my best life!

In truth, I don't care about him at all. I don't think about him at all except when I'm retraumatized 😅😬 But when I wrote this song, I did. For a while. Because it was a lot to process. I'd just spent years healing and it felt like starting over. So that emotional response of wanting to "win the breakup" essentially felt good 🤷‍♀️

I do like the cleverness of this, though. Obviously there's no real "debt", but it felt like a cool way of saying "sir, it is your turn to pay for what you did to me."

This line was very much another way for me to take the responsibility off of myself. To stop blaming myself. And to put that responsibility on the person who hurt me. Not the responsibility of healing and recovery - that is wholly mine, no matter how much I wished it wasn't; no matter how much I wished he could somehow be the one to have to fix me.

But a person who breaks you isn't ever going to be the person to make you whole again. That's on you. But as much as that sucks and feels shitty, I think it's also kind of powerful. You have it in you to heal. You don't need them. And it's going to be hard, but...well if nothing else, I believe in you ❤️

But I wanted him to take the weight of it. And to me, even in writing this song, that really just meant that he would have to live with the fact that he chose to treat me that way. He has to live with the knowledge that that's the kind of person he chose to be.

And maybe that doesn't mean anything to him. But maybe it does. Maybe it eats him up inside. Maybe it keeps him up at night. Maybe in every relationship he has moving forward, even if he treats them better, he remembers how he treated me and he hates himself for it.

And as evil as it feels to, on some level, hope that's maybe the case...he did it to himself. And that's not my responsibility 💁‍♀️