Behind-the-Song: YOU SUCK pt.2 (Patreon)

Once and for all: it is *BOTTLE 😂🙈

Low-key, I was not kidding when I said I would stop playing the song on stream if people kept up with so aggressively insisting it was "bottom". Because I know it was just for sillies and I know that if you don't know the lyrics and you get that in your head, it definitely can sound like that. But...
A) It is my song. About my processing of serious trauma
B) "Suck your own bottom" doesn't even logistically make sense...and in my opinion feels much more childish and unintentional. Like I just threw in the first word I could think of. Like a time when you can't think of an insult on the spot and you just say something dumb that doesn't land. And given point A), that is absolutely not what I want from this song; and
C) Most jokes are funny at first. The first 2, 3, maybe 5 times. But when everyone starts to jump on something, especially something that wasn't that funny to begin with, and make it bigger and bigger, repeating it over and over again, it's not funny anymore. And when it comes to something of a personal nature – that, sure, starts out as just teasing – when it becomes that big, it becomes just bullying. In those situations, I am on the spot and on camera and vulnerable, and everyone else is making fun of something important to me, repeatedly, and without any sign of stopping or any consideration for how it actually lands. And it's just not funny anymore 🤷‍♀️

All that being said, I know it's just in jest. And if/when it comes up occasionally, it's really not a big deal and it is just silly fun times. But at first, my goodness, I was ready to throw hands 😅 Gonna need some of my own "Don't Mess With Me" merch 🙈

Anyway, without further ado...

'Cause YOU SUCK / And that's my problem / Go suck your own bottle

I honestly love this chorus so much 😂 It's just so "dishonour on you, dishonour on you cow!" And sometimes, that is just exactly the vibe.

Because I had started the song with a line that felt so silly and lighthearted, I really was just messing around when I wrote this. Like I said, I really was just writing this for the giggles and wanted to see where it went if I just ran with it. So I wanted to maintain that silly lighthearted vibe throughout the song, while still maintaining the "screw you for the genuine trauma you caused me" message.

The second line is very much a play on shitty people asking you "what's your problem/ what's wrong with you" when you have a very legitimate response to something they've done...I hate that so much. Like, sir, you. You are the problem. You are what's wrong with me. How is that not clear? I am reacting appropriately/as can be expected to the situations I have been put in by you. I behave the way that I do because I am living through trauma responses. And I did not do that to myself. And I am done blaming myself.

"Go suck your own bottle" was originally intended to be a euphemism for "go fuck yourself" (pardon my French) 😂 but I just couldn't think of anything that would actually deliver that intention that fit for that line. So instead, I went with "bottle" with the intention of it being patronizing instead. To flip the script. And to say "I am done taking care of you and your every whim and need; do it your damned self, you absolute baby" 🤷‍♀️

Which felt good for me, because despite the fact that I was somehow always doing everything wrong, it was also expected that I do everything for him all the time with nothing in return. And I did. I did his laundry, cooked his meals, cleaned his apartment, massaged his sore muscles multiple times a day, managed his health for him, comforted and supported him in his every pursuit. But God forbid I ever ask for any of that from him...that would be so unreasonable 🫠 And God forbid he do anything by himself, as a fully functioning adult 🤦‍♀️

Also, unrelated semi-related, don't even think about asking if we could maybe go on a date sometime...learned that the hard way 🫣

I'm sending the bills for my therapy / I hope that you find pain and misery / I wish you nothing but bad luck / I know it's petty, but... You suck 💁‍♀️

And so after years of being traumatized and taken advantage of, and finally learning to stop blaming myself and eventually getting rightfully mad about it...I decided to get petty 💁‍♀️

"I'm sending the bills for my therapy" is one of, if not my favourite line I've ever written. It just feels so simultaneously ridiculous and also justified and fully reasonable at the same time and I love it so much 😅 Because of course I'm not going to do that. First of all, I have no desire to have anything to do with him; I wouldn't even know where to send those bills, nor do I want to know. But also...why should I have to pay, literally or figuratively, for his behaviour? Why is it not standard practice for therapists to bill perpetrators of trauma rather than the victims of it that end up on their couches? That just feels way more fair 🙈 where is the justice?? 😂

So yeah, I'm going to wish that particular perpetrator of trauma the day he deserves. The life he deserves. And I'm not sorry about it 💁‍♀️

I genuinely wrote "I know it's pretty but...you suck" because I have low-key judged more than a few songs for being overly petty/whiny. Where the song feels like it leaned too far into "😝" territory, if that makes sense 😂 Because...absolutely it's just processing feelings, and I know that blowing them out of proportion is kind of how we make art sometimes. But in a lot of those songs it just feels like it wasn't written out of genuine emotion or processing, but just self-indulgent pettiness.

So I called myself out 😂 I may be a hypocrite, but at least I am a self aware hypocrite 💁‍♀️

That being said, that's obviously not the whole song in this case. But I thought it was funny to include. Because I did, genuinely, feel super silly and self-indulgent and petty writing this chorus. But that was just kind of the point in this case. I was actively trying to lean into the sillyness of it 🤷‍♀️ So ultimately, I accomplished my goals! I just didn't expect it to actually be a real song that we sung not just out of irony 😅