Unfinished Song Vault: hide (Patreon)

This is one that I can pretty much always relate to...

I don't remember what I was going through when I wrote this, but I was just out for a walk - which I did a lot back in the day when I needed to clear my head; it was uncommon to see a 10pm-2am KT walking around alone...she was going through some stuff 😅🫣 But this sentiment has been relevant ever since I can remember.

As much as I understand the reason, and as much as it's a nice sentiment and sometimes even nice to hear, it sucks being told I'm strong. For so many reasons. I think the hardest part of it for me in recent years is just that: It SUCKS being strong. Because that strength isn't born of just pure will or whatever else. It's born of necessity. I never wanted to be strong. But there was no real alternative.

And having the kind of strength and resilience to push through the garbage and try to make the most of it is absolutely something to be proud of. But the garbage you have to wade through to get there just feel unfair. It feels draining. It feels like one more piece will bury you.

And honestly, I think that's a big part of why I always want so badly to try to do what I can to help lessen the stresses and hardships of others. Because I know how it feels to do that alone. And I know how much it sucks. And I know that it takes a kind of strength that A) not everybody is equipped to garner in every situation, and B) nobody should ever have to muster.

Being strong is great. But not having to be is a heck of a lot better.

And if I can be a difference in someone struggling vs not, or even just struggling less, I want to do that. I wish so deeply that there wasn't so much hardship or struggle or stress in so many people's lives. We are all fighting our own battles. But some of us have more experience, some of us have more resources/connections, some of us have more support. And if we can all share that a little bit, I think that's pretty great.

Anyway, I digress... what else is new?😅🙈

This little tidbit is meant to acknowledge that crying is in fact not a sign of weakness and is absolutely a form of strength. But also: being strong sucks; sometimes crying still feels like weakness because it feels vulnerable; and sometimes it's hard to be both strong and vulnerable. Because both are hard individually. You want me to be both?? I don't even want to be one of those things!

Let me just be a little hermit. Let me be gollum in my little cave. Let me have my breakdown in isolation. Because I am going to have a breakdown, and I am going to feel frustrated about having that breakdown, and I don't feel like being perceived in that moment 🫣 I know it's not a sign of weakness. But it feels like it. And I would like to run away about it.

Lyrics:

I don't wanna be strong

I just wanna cry

Know this isn't weakness

Coming from my eyes

But I hide

(God this is a messed up perception of "I'm fine")