Behind-the-Song: YOU SUCK pt.4 (Patreon)

The final piece! And the sneaky small subterfuge 🤭

You tore me down and locked me up / Told me I'm not enough / So I'm the lucky one / So I kept my mouth shut

This is very much a kind of exasperated reflection on how I was treated and made to feel, overall. The realization that all the good stuff was just to manipulate me into staying in a relationship I knew was...problematic; I knew made me miserable most of the time.

And it genuinely feels like a prison. There's so much at play in these kinds of relationships, and I'm sure the exact circumstances are different for everyone. It feels like you're suffocating. But you feel trapped. For one reason or another. Often because of feelings of obligation, guilt (e.g. from self-blame), fear, or just convincing yourself that the good makes the bad okay...often each of these feelings at some point or another. Either way, you feel like you feel like can't leave despite everything they've done and do to hurt you.

And for a long time, for me, much of it was that deep seated core belief I developed because of all those other relationships in my life: I am not enough. When you're already feeling that way all the time, it's incredibly easy for someone to take advantage of that and reinforce that belief. Honestly, that's probably why they chose to be with you in the first place...the vulnerable are easier to manipulate 🫠👍

So, like I'm sure I've said before, I never told anyone anything (until I did so by accident several years post-breakuo). Because I felt responsible. Because none of it would have happened if I had just been better. Been more. Because I was lucky anyone wanted to be with me at all.

You played the long game for a grift / Yeah, you robbed me of everything / And got away with it / So I'll settle the score / No I'm not your...toy

This was 100% just my way of saying narcissists will be narcissists 🤷‍♀️

When they find someone they can manipulate, they latch on. And they take advantage of you for as long as they feel like they can. For years. Living a facade to get whatever they can from you. And most often, you're too broken by the end to ever do anything about it. And even if you weren't, what could you possibly do?

So this song and some of the others in the Villain era are kind of my way of telling my side of the story. And exposing the truth. And no one needs to know who it is or what happened. But I'll know. And anyone who hears the songs will know on some level, even if they don't realize it. And that's enough for me.

Also...the cheeky line at the end was a little bit because I felt like the imagery of saying "toy" felt more powerful as a symbol of being manipulated; played with. And I think leading you to think it's something else almost makes it more impactful.

But also, the reason I intentionally led to...you know, what it seems like it's going to be 😅 is because he would call me that and other things like it all the time...as a joke...? So...I got cheeky with it 👈😎👈


Ps. Sorry for the delay in posts recently; it's just been a busy and exhausting time lately and I am doing a bad job at keeping up 🫠 BUT it's almost sneak peak season, so I extra appreciate you sticking around and being patient! ❤️