Behind-the-Song: If I Showed You My Scars pt.3 (Patreon)

Wouldn't it be funny if I forgot to populate this box and it posted as scheduled? 😅🙈

Anyway...

They always told me I was strong / I'm silenced by the courage they perceive

I have dealt with a lot in my limited lifetime. I've been dealing with physical and mental health struggles ever since I can remember...like I genuinely do not remember if there ever was a time I didn't have migraines and anxiety at the very least 😅😬 I also grew up pretty poor, had a lot of unhealthy family and friend relationships, was bullied, etc. You know, the usual 🫣

When I was in school, I always wished I had the courage to speak to someone and to seek help. For any number of those struggles. But I never did. In fact, I had trouble speaking at all. If I was upset, I would shut down and wouldn't speak to anyone at all... So to me, strength looked like seeking help. Strength looked like talking to someone when something was wrong.

Unfortunately, I had a lot of people telling me that I was strong because I "didn't need to talk about it." Because I could do it by myself... BUT WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO DO THAT ALONE?? WHY ARE YOU COMMENDING THAT AND ENCOURAGING IT??

Anyway... suffice it to say, having people think I was strong for that made me feel like needing help meant I was less than; like I wasn't good enough. Sound familiar? So I didn't want to do anything that would support the belief I held that I wasn't good enough. So I stayed silent. For years 🙃

I don't know how much longer I can keep the facade up / I feel like I'm bursting at the seams

Staying silent for nearly two decades was, um... not easy, to say the least 😅 So I spent a lot of time feeling alone and helpless, but still pretending everything was fine. Still being the cheery bubbly person you've all come to know. So... yeah, eventually I broke down 🙈👍

But I didn't reach that point until I had been sick with my gallbladder issues for months when I was 18. I was in and out of the hospital every few days, and I was in so much pain I literally couldn't sleep because the pain would wake me in the middle of the night. It didn't just hurt to be awake, it hurt to exist. For approximately 6 months, I did it alone and I felt like I was "bursting at the seams" both figuratively and literally 😅

Young KT was very determined not to "confirm" the belief that she was not enough, so...she was a bit of a goose 🤷‍♀️

I think a lot of people experience similar feelings/struggles with opening up and seeking help. And it sucks so much because it's already so hard to admit to ourselves that we need help. It's already so hard to open up to someone; to trust someone in that way. Without worrying about what other people will think 🤦‍♀️

And I'm not even someone who generally cares what people think of me. But the problem for me, and probably for a lot of people, isn't what other people will think, directly. It's about the things that others have said shaping your own perception of who you are/what certain things mean.

I'm really glad to see things are changing, slowly, for the better 🥰