Behind-the-Song: Sallad pt.3 (Patreon)

I FINALLY GOT PHOTOS AHHHHHHH!!!! 🥳🥳🥳

Look at me being all dramatic 🥹

Anyway...

Medicating / I've never been so low / Feels like I'm fading / And I'm tired of being broken / I'm losing hope

I lowkey love that "medicating" feels like it's implying some sort of self-medicating or antidepressants or something, but it's actually about anticonvulsants 👈😎👈 Look at me, taking meds to try to stop doing the interpretive funky chicken 🙌 (It didn't work, but...we tried 😅)

This verse really is more about the mental health aspect of dealing with chronic health struggles. As my seizures continued to worsen and I continued to develop further symptoms (all of which, I now know, were caused by my chronic migraines...yippee 😅), I genuinely felt like I was dying. For years, it felt like I was slowly wasting away; falling apart piece after piece. And one day there would be nothing left. And every time things got worse, it felt more and more like that day would be soon.

At the time I wrote this song, it was just the beginning. It got worse. But, when I wrote this song, I wasn't living on my own yet. I didn't know that I'd end up making a living on Twitch. I didn't know that I'd be okay someday (relatively speaking). I didn't know things would work out. I thought I'd be doomed to be dependent forever, however long that ended up being for me. I knew I wasn't capable of working a more traditional job; I'm still not and almost certainly never will be. And that still scares me today, but it scared me a lot more back then.

As I mentioned earlier in this series, I've felt like giving up... many times. And I know that a lot of people will say that I'm not broken. But I feel broken. And I felt broken. And I've felt broken for various reasons all my life. Because the reality is, I am not as functional as a person as I would like to be, and I'm certainly not efficient at what I can do. I am in pain literally constantly. I don't genuinely remember ever not being in some kind of pain. And if I were a machine, I'd likely have been thrown out. Many times over.

Thankfully, I'm not a machine. And logically, I'm not a broken person. I'm just a person who's dealing with human experiences and doing my best 🤷‍♀️ But it's been a long and tough road to travel 🙃👍


Did I cry while writing this post? Absolutely. 😅🙈 Out of sadness for past KT and all that she had to overcome. Out of dread for current KT and all that she still struggles with on a daily basis. And out of gratitude. For the support I've received along the way, and for all the incredible people and miracles that got me where I am. For how incredibly lucky I am that despite everything, I'm doing okay.