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768 - Handjob for the Recently Deceased (9/18/23) (Patreon)

Published:
2023-09-19 02:30:14
Imported:
2026-06

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Content

We cover a spurt of stories about politicians being horny, starting with of course Lauren Boebert’s broadway handy. Then, have you seen this plane?: the air force loses an F-35 somewhere in South Carolina. Finally, we have a reading series on Mitt Romney’s self-mythologizing retirement announcement that eventually morphs into a rumination on the fate of empires.

Files

Comments

COM

First binch

COM

yeah get in line pal

catsjvk

Lauren Boobert

CJ

I could probably fix her

HeyB00B00

I thank God there is zero chance i ever see my congressman's tits fondled at a broadway show. He covers up

Jacob

Top tier episode title

Jawn Feddermang

her husband is cuck of the year for sure

NobleStrings

She Ryder my Keaton til I Beetlejuice

Adam

my content hopper just ran dry, dropping this puppy in

Natalie

i had to stop reading that mitt romney profile cause it was doing a good job at making him seem like a relatable nice guy lol

Matt Murray

You had me at handjob...

Michael

Crazy that Lauren Boebert is somebody's grandmother.

Matt Murray

Grandmas giving hj's at Beetlejuice, What's next!?

Sean Curtis

Love the Ep! I want to also give a shout out for the Chapo reading series. Australia now has a new media platform called ADH TV, and the network tries to fill the gap where our version of Fox/OAN would lie. It hasn't been very successful at all, which is a crime given the entertainment value I believe it truly brings. Please give our struggling shock jocks down under a look at, plenty of quality material on the most salient issues of our time: top surgery and safeguarding our democratic institutions from minority involvement. The reviews on its Facebook page testify to their quality reporting and professionalism. In fact, once you get past all the 'don't recommend' smear bots, you find a collection of positive recommendations spruiking their own crypto and investment programs, genital wort and herpes cures, and spiritual remedies.

skrrt vonnegut

my man painted black and white stripes on his dick like the sandworm

Shane McGonnell

Thank god there attacking that doofus Hasan. I would forgive ALL OF HIS LIES AND NUT JOBBERY if he was funny

Whucko Jaang

The gangs all here! Much love y'all

Methew

Lauren boebert got her beetles juiced alright

Methew

That is terrible for your enamel

Mark

I didn’t get the title until I saw the image, and I mean… brilliant. Love you guys ❤️✌️

Mike Mariano

WILL: “Horned up libs, myself included...” 🚩🚩🚩

Dick Wolf

Suits should only be forced dress code for NBA coaches. The league hasn’t been the same since Thibs was allowed to wear tight fitting athletic gear.

ploob

Plus you gotta buy a whole new noose

Zach H.

The real question is how long is it before MGT makes a joke about saying Boobert’s name 3 times to make her appear on the House floor

Andrew Morgado

As a longtime CO resident, yes. Many of us are incredibly stupid. But there are scattered batches of decent folk amongst the hooping masses.

Robert Gault

I'm in SC - I've accepted the mission to find the F-35

Matt Murray

As a 5 year native I agree

ploob

I can finally go to hell

Adam Foster

I’m sorry that doesn’t count as a handjob, if the hand isn’t directly on the dick that’s not a handjob.

Jack

God Speed, Christ Man.

TugNuggins

Yet another classic chapo.

Ben Zaretsky

You guys did the good cocaine before pounding this one out. Six out of six chapos. Bravo

Ben Zaretsky

Also is there a chapo onlyfans? Not for me a uh a friend was asking

Methew

Ruin a perfectly good noose in this economy? And I know your job doesn’t have u covered on dental

Methew

Which chapo do yall think is the best at receiving handjobs?

Michael Keith

I love it when you talk about Mormonism

etienne

mhhhhh I think that if during my lifetime an actual billion people in asia died of flooding, fire, starvation, and as a result my country became a fascist fortress state I would dislike it

Major bit me

Then you and I better vote for the democrats in the 2056 elections so they’ll stop showing all that stuff on the tv for 4 years

K H

Felix is touched by the Mothmen.

No

OTPHJ

Alexandr

There was a Felix tweet where he imagined getting an HJeezy from an armed woman at a musical and this reply made me lol hard: "as soon as she's finished you google "does a dick have bones" "how to tell if dick bones are broken" and "is beetlejuice real""

Steeeeve

I feel Felix would be pretty quiet and avoid eye contact throughout which would be preferable for me, being a straight guy

Shiv

“Who the fuck are you? What’s this? Think you’re better than me??” go Matt go

Shiv

“He WAS American! Look at his passport!”

Ian H

The most frustrating thing about the "being who he is" narrative about Fetterman is that it's not who he is. He's a York fancy lad who went to the Harvard Kennedy school and served as the essentially ceremonial mayor of a "town" that's just a neighborhood of Pittsburgh.

Soda enthusiast

Russell brand gives a positive interview to Ron Desantis and then the sugar lobby releases this hit price? It's suspicious man

Hudson

The end is near! (Brought to you by wealthy people for whom the slightest mental discomfort is a crime against humanity punishable by death)

Hudson

As someone who grew up alongside extended family who are devout mormons, I can say that I wish I were a complete hoople head so could be like them, they are so fucking happy LOL

mrakobesiye

Desantis started by questioning Fetterman's election, then a switch clicked when he remembered he's not trying to suck up to Trump and went "well, I mean he was elected because they didn't want the alternative". Very smooth Ron

Poppy Chulo

I would sneak in an 80's style boom box and turn it on mid show to play Bruce Springsteens "Secret Garden", but about thirty seconds before that have Lauren start jacking my penis. Oh is that the song from Jerry Maguire? Oh look a guy is getting jacked off by Lauren Boebert. Then when security comes just start screaming "you had me at hello!"

Zach Pierce

HEAVY PETTING AT THE BEETLEJUICE SHOW! Some over-the-pants stroking plus a raucous bare titty jostling.

Zach Pierce

No he got her by pulling out his dick and showing some younger girls. He made her the subjugated one.

drewb

very respectful

Jeemar

I wish that someone on the pod would look into the actual expectations for what is going to change in the future based on the current runaway emissions pathway we are on, it's a little frustrating to hear the "actually there's always an apocalypse!" line when the nature of human caused climate change is a completely unique problem that our world has never faced before. Being furious at the people who care about climate change for a dumb and self obsessed reason is very goofy overall when your position is seemingly, "things won't be that bad". Love the pod, sorry for the cringe earnest response

drewb

enjoying Felix' phase of comparing everything to pallas cats

Shiv

big same

Donny Baseball

I had this crisis already and basically the best anyone could tell me was “think about something else”.

Agent Grange

Meditating on the unstoppable passage of time when Felix makes an Armored Core 6 reference instead of an Elden Ring or Dark Souls reference. Where did the time go??? Edit: nevermind, he mentioned Rani stealing the Rune of Death. I'm no longer spiraling.

McMiller

They are right you aren’t gonna save the world alone. Just got play a game or something. And the misery, that force which moves people to action, isn’t effecting those who could move the levers of power. So we are gonna see some shit.

Blank

The moment Felix steps into a Ruby Tuesday = final scene from The Sopranos

what_an_answer

Hasan Minhaj acted like a complete fucking psycho on celebrity jeopardy last year so he deserves this

Doug Cartel

it sounds like Hasan pulled a Moby

William

I’m still holding out for a mitt Romney dem presidential run

Null_null

Here cum the warm jets

Pdragglz

I'm from Charleston but they already found the fuckin jet damnit

Tim Mullen

Loved the injury Reserve transition halfway thru

Andrew Morgado

Fucking Texans moving to the Springs is a plague. This was already blighted ground but God damn.

Doug Cartel

cant believe some dude showed up to the senate in sweats, what next, spitting tobacco into a brass bowl? that's gonna be my nostalgia gripe I think. "Whatever happened to spitoons? Folks, when I was a kid, there was a literal guy who was paid to wash gallons of tobacco spit out of bowls lining the Senate floor" wait hold the phone mitt, communism doesnt work because of human nature but democracy is also fighting against it? doesnt that mean we're fucked?

Lu

West coast salmon is entirely different than east coast

b-rar

Felix go one episode without mentioning Elden Ring challenge

ahokipa

Corey Wellandowski is piping political 10s left and right

TheMunj

I was on the beach in Charleston when those jets flew over. They were coasting at what I can only describe as the air speed equivalent of a school zone.

James Blackmon

Their commentary on Mormons and LDS is some of their best work.

Reece Coren

changing my twitter name to idiot lasagna

Tony Campbell

As long as we protect Felix on Tuesdays, he will persist for all time as the messianic God Emperor of Humanity

Pædiekeix

Whoa whoa whoa Colorado is not idiot lasagna. Sure, grand junction is, but Denver is my heckin wholesome weed hiking pupperino town. I can stop at the dispensary on my way back from euthanizing a homeless camp then grab some chipotle!

Scotty Kassel

Whats even funnier about Boebert is that she was married at like 18 and got divorced 5 months ago. She’s literally experiencing sexual freedom for the first time and this is what she does

Rob Schofield

What’s the music at 34:00? A salmon and cream cheese bagel is literal heaven

Rob Schofield

Ah it’s Here Come The Warm Jets by Brian Eno

ayyyy1

baseball managers too, we shouldn't have to see joe maddon in stirrups

CE

You think marriage prevents someone like Boebert from experiencing sexual freedom since she was 18? I guess if you take her at face value on all the Christianity stuff she says.

Scotty Kassel

I mean, this is, definitively, the first time she’s given an OTPHJ to a dude at a childrens musical

sgthombre

I mean it has the air force academy and that place churns out weirdos and freaks at rates other colleges could never dream of

Paul F. Holzfäller

Lauren Boebert has to be one of the all time greats when it comes to congressional bust dumpsters.

sgthombre

> 2056 elections Damn an optimist if ever I've seen one

Austent

W. Cleon Skousen reference is fucking insane

Stefano Alves

That billionaire doing the incestuous version of the Peter Thiel blood diet, looks like a weirdly well preserved version of a person that age. Mitt Romney just follows what his doctors tell him and it's insane to read that he was born in 1947.

b-rar

The beautiful thing about America is you are allowed to have incorrect opinions

Stefano Alves

Max Mcgee was 34 when he scored the first touchdown in Super Bowl History (while being beyond hungover from partying because he didn't think he would come off the bench) while Romney was 19. There's a picture of him in the sideline at that game and his face looked like he was, at most, 7 years younger than Romney today (and more fucked up in some areas). Romney is more wrinkled and the skin in the neck and under the jaw are floppy, but that's about it.

Sneakin Sally

Love you guys. Listen to every show but the provincial takes on everywhere but new york makes you guys sound so fucking dumb.

Bobi Jon-son Kenobi

Matt talking about dying during cataclysms reflecting what I’ve been thinking for months makes for very gratifying masturbatory intellectualism. Dying is easier than living with the pain and uncertainty—a mental exercise in the death drive

Cumtickles

I loved the episode but was it really necessary for Matt to fart up 5 gallons of cum all over Felix’s face

Hudson

Had to add that Felix’ little ref from True Detective (S01) made me long for a whole series where we can all rewatch each episode while you guys live commentate… one can always dream!

Evan Scott

Idk york is genuinely a shithole (probably moreso than braddock) and even if you're middle class from a place like that it's hard to feel connected to the like blue blood Ozs and McCormicks and all the people you'd meet at a place like Harvard. I met him when he did a guest spot at my college radio station before the 2016 primary and if his whole thing is a costume I gotta say he's good enough at it I can't even be mad at him, as someone who grew up pretty modestly like half an hour from york

James Walker

Felix eats like a child, he'd rather eat chicken fingies/tendies instead of a honey glazed, cedar-planked salmon says it all! This is a result of weak parenting; relenting to the youngs demand for bread-crusted chicken served every meal = Felix & 90% of gen z.

veni

Fridge-cold salmon on hot buttered toast is an outstanding snack.

Major Powers

This is true but get that honey glaze the fuck off my salmon, lemon and rosemary supremacy.

Degrassi Knoll

Ketchup and a bun, garcon' And don't be stingy with the placemat and colored pencils!

Alex

I’ve always had a vendetta against Romney. One of my memories during the financial crisis is my Dad effectively getting laid off during Bain Capital’s acquisition of local radio stations under the ‘Clear Channel’ conglomerate. Ruining music and lives

sohfeeyuh

anyone know the song played at 34:01??

Jeremy

I grew up in Colorado and lived there through part of my 20s, and I can say without hesitation that I co-sign everything said about it in this episode.

Noel Haren

Here come the warm jets!

Robert Sayre

Brian Eno - Here Come The Warm Jets

Shane McGonnell

He even more true hard then that guy Andrew Schultz so annoying

BureaucracyNow

Movie mindset but it’s the boys talking about Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Alec

Re: the f35: It came out of the sky, landed just a little south of moline. Jody fell out of his tractor, couldn’t believe what he seen

J-Lo

Hey Chris, ‘Here Come the Warm Jets’ ‘Taking Tiger Mountain (by strategy) and ‘Another Green World’ are some of my absolutely favourite albums and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

AbeLinkin

No one’s perfect 🤷‍♂️

AbeLinkin

Salmon marinated in dewers and grilled with a cedar plank is best

AbeLinkin

Soon enough we’ll have neither 🙃

Marcus

Getting a handy from MTG sounds like a nightmare, and surely ends in a trip to the hospital.

J-Lo

White food kids.

J-Lo

Brian Eno’s 1st three albums are gold

J-Lo

Literally took the words outta my mouth

J-Lo

Her face looks like the bottom of my foot after I step in makeup

J-Lo

I was wootwooting in support of their Wisconsin love the episode before this one. Co-signed it all

Sneakin Sally

Yeah i was thinking , dang, i suppose one caveat being the wisco love. Big Flambeau River guys i guess. Minaqua-Bat stans.

Rum Hamburglar

Agreed. I also think this recurring mantra of “people have no agency, everything is on rails, all we can do is adapt” has a bit less to do with cold hard logic and a bit more to do with self justification than these guys would admit. Believing our era is uniquely impervious to any positive intervention is convenient, it means you’re off the hook for doing anything.

Jimmy McMillan

Will sold me on it being the most American religion. Prosperity gospel and rise and grind mindset are American culture

Ian Fletcher

Lauren Boebert is cancelling "all future date nights" I'm heartbroken.

Q

The haters and losers talking very nasty about my state of Colorado. Sad!

Evan Scott

salmon is like the most agreeable fish there is wtf

Evan Scott

not counting basically flavorless non-fish like tilapia i guess

Ivy Green

Fuck him AND Clear Chanel for real.

SoldierBlue

I don’t care if anyone was raped, I just want to be entertained, and after three days this is already dull as fuck. If you want trial by media then give me a half interesting story

M Varnzo

Your Colorado takes are adorable, encouraged and well received. Dumb ski people isn’t wrong. Polis actually has a solid record supporting working class policies. I believe he even supported our lame 1st shot at single payer.

C. Andrew

Why even have a federation of states if we can't mock them for their idiosyncrasies. The Midwest gets this, we're keeping the Toledo War alive in our hearts and minds.

C. Andrew

Whomst among us. I came from a time of a certain Alaskan governor... no one into women, regardless of their politics, was immune to Nailin Palin.

C. Andrew

1) Will 2) (REDACTED) 3) Wade 4) Petrified Tree Resin 5) Matt 6) Felix

C. Andrew

As a Michigan guy turned a PA guy, I identify with the Fetterman Clique. These are my people. I feel like I could run on literally nothing but being fun and having a Guy Ferri style shirt/vibe and poll single digits. I promise you ~20% of us don't know anything about Israel except from what they saw in Brad Pitt's 'World War Z'. Even when we are right, I don't think it's fair that we expect the Polish Sharpshooters Club of Western PA to have an official stance on the Israeli-Palistinian relationship.

MKatieUltra

Romney is crazy preserved by being Mormon and rich, but the young LDS adults now adays go crazy on sugary complicated drinks called “dirty soda” and candy and won’t have his longevity. Like, it’s their one vice besides soaking and infidelity. The big question is who will play the dirty soda in Pixar’s Soda movie?

T

Christina Aguilera. She grew up Mormon.

Matelda

On climate change, yes a lot of people will probably be fine for a while, but there's no telling exactly who or for how long because it is going to cause unpredictable chaos that will bring fear of god & nature back to many pampered masses. The richer have better odds because they have AC but the wind and flames will not ask who they are when they arrive. The problem with whining about it is that if you can't do something productive, you should at least do something fun with what might be your final moments, or someone else's. Don't just bring everybody down for no benefit. If this was Europe in WWI the same principle would apply.

Matelda

Imo pain is one thing, uncertainty is another. If it's just uncertainty, I'd rather live.

Matelda

Matt really knows Mormonism, i am often impressed

Matelda

Even if you don't care about other people, first worlders won't be able to buy shit or live as they know life without a global proletariat. It will change things.

Zach Pierce

Quinn was pummeling those titties with the force and coarseness that real life Beetlejuice would do.

etienne

yeah actually I think that's gonna shift us into Turbo Ultra Fascism

Matelda

I am not afraid of not dying, I'm afraid of dying before we get to see what the Between Time looks like. Imagine missing out on that.

John Leavitt

I’m sure clean living and genetics does a lot but Salt Lake City has some of the best, busiest plastic surgeons in the world

Logan

Here come the warm jets. Thanks Chris ♥️

AKorgar

Like Matt I absolutely love salmon, I wonder if it's a squarehead thing

Jack Arens

Update: It was a communist plot

Evan Scott

salmon is the most consumed fish in the US by a huge margin if you're only counting fresh seafood (i.e. removing canned tuna)

Evan Scott

i'm not sure what the blase attitude toward it is from will and felix. is it too pedestrian??

AbeLinkin

I think the Chapo boys are pretty wrong about climate change. Most coastal real estate is for the wealthy. It’ll hit the wealthy pretty hard too, especially because they think they’re invincible. Of course the poor will bear the brunt of it, but it won’t be solely concentrated on them. Middle class (if that’s a thing anymore) households barely keeping their heads above water can watch their remaining savings and assets washed away in a minute and property insurance rates will continue to climb. It’s gonna be a fuckin disaster, folks.

Alec

If you want it, you can have it for seventeen million!

Khemith

By the time that happens they will have put the wire up and shoved the poor to living on low tide Flordia to hunt for oily crabs.

AKorgar

Aquaman joke

AKorgar

No but seriously we're already seeing coastline housing falling into the ocean because of erosion and now a lot of insurance companies have stopped selling policies outright in Florida, so the hurt is already on. And I have to tell you if it weren't for like, the Seminoles and all the nice Jewish grandmas I would just say let Florida go out like Atlantis

AKorgar

Yeah but also I can really REALLY use a break from the anxiety of the Earth dying out and shit

AKorgar

Felix is from Chicago he only eats sausages and cured meats Will is a New York elitist

AKorgar

Honey glaze what the fuck is this, ancient Rome.

etienne

can we get Episode

Chris T

Will’s going to be back working at Rite Aid if he doesn’t get his act together

Stephen

Slop slop slop

james

As a chapo south carolina resident, it went down like 2 miles from my friends grandparents house, but they're too old and racist to look out their windows

Roy

*D'Angelo Barksdale voice* Where's podcast? Where's podcast, Chris?

John Smith

Hmmm I'm in need of slop

T

I literally have to do dishes over here

Pædiekeix

And even tho it comes from a market YIMBY viewpoint I’m glad to have a Governor who’s opposed to sprawling parking lot hell. I really think people getting out of their cars would help reknit the social fabric and allow for greater movements so I’ll ally with the upzoning people

Philip King

I had to listen to music on my commute. This is literally violence

Dillon Dawson

*Oink oink* where's the slop, my tummy is rumbling *oink oink*

Coyotes

On lunch break without Audio slop. It's the end as we know it

Elai Kehler

premium episode late and i have work in an hour…you guys are literally doing violence to me

josh williams

Just praying they don’t hit us with another girl god ep

Cory Gipson

I might have to commit several atrocities if I don’t get my slop by my afternoon commute

T

Sodas (podcast from E1) is out, starring Felix and featuring Will and Matt, so I forgive the lateness. We can all do our dishes and more chores now.

Dante Lombardo

Guys please I need to drive to work you gotta drop it 😭

T

Listen to Pixar's Sodas, starring Felix and featuring Will and Matt: Listen to 300 - Pixar's Sodas by E1 on #SoundCloud https://on.soundcloud.com/EbwL1

Evan Scott

it's all a psyop to get us to listen to this

Evan Scott

Did they say boebert was a grandmother in this episode? She's 36

Evan Scott

I don't mean that in a "there's no way that's possible" way it would just be surprising

Jessica Rios

She had a baby at like 16 and now her devils spawn is having a kid at 16 or something like that.

Nate Ferguson

Being a drone doing gig work is a lot easier with slop.

J. A.

BRO

J. A.

oh yeah

J. A.

SQUEEEEEEE SQUEEEEEE SQUEEEEE SQUEEEEEE WHERES MY SLOP

J. A.

Fr

Coyotes

Her kid is like 4th generation teenage parent

D

Matt's my hero I hope he gets well soon :(

Nate Ferguson

All the best Matt and his family! We’re all behind you!

Trevor Marsden

We already have Gov. Polis and unaffordable rent. We don't need more bullshit from people who don't even have the decency to say it to our faces.

Trevor Marsden

Hey, some of us ARE the morons who got priced out of Denver, let's be fair

Trevor Marsden

From here and only spent about 5 years NOT living here: this guy and the Chapo guys are wrong and if you disagree, I challenge you to find me up my hill and say it to my face (you will need several breaks due to altitude change)

Byron Lagrone

shipment of fresh good vibes for Matt (hope you feel better soon!), Amber, and the Chapo fam. <3 <3 <3

october7thheaven

Feds hit him with the heart attack gun. Get well soon Matt.

Jed Levin

Tip of the hat for the Brian Eno snippet

Reece Coren

felix nailed fetterman as a zionist coward

Reece Coren

holy shit did Felix nail Fetterman as a zionist shill. That's why Felix is the greatest! <3