Changeling Space Program Snippet (or, the Difference Between 1st and 2nd Draft) (Patreon)

Not much writing got done this month- a little bit of Peter is the Wolf, and some progress on Changeling Space Program. 

Here's what I did over the weekend- a scene more than halfway into the chapter, after an unauthorized mission has come a cropper in a spectacularly humiliating fashion. 

In the first draft things dragged a little, especially early on, and the pacing of the scene just didn't work. So I deleted some things and rearranged others...

... still not happy with the scene, to be honest, but we'll see what I do with the final edit when it comes.

FIRST DRAFT:

Hearth's Warming Eve dawned, and with the magically chilled winds and the lightly falling snow came the official summons to attend the court of Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, Suzerain of the Badlands, etc. etc. to stand judgment.

The time had come to pay the piper, and as Dragonfly, Occupant, and Marked Knee filed into the administration building’s throne room, their metaphorical pockets were quite empty indeed.

Normally Chrysalis’s throne room was utilitarian; a large high-backed chair on a little dais with a narrow carpet, so purple it was almost black, leading up to it, and two CSP security changelings in friendly-looking light blue peaked caps. On this day, however, Chrysalis had done it up properly. Tattered-looking tapestries strung from one edge of the ceiling to the other, hanging down with deliberate menace. The two regular guards had been replaced by eight warriors in full battle armor. Even the queen herself had dressed up, adding a cape and pauldrons to her little knobbed crown. 

The blonde-maned pink pony seated on the floor next to the dais clashed with everything else, despite Cherry Berry’s attempt to look authoritative by adding her fluffy-collared flight jacket(256). But the light lavender eyes had gone steel-gray with anger, making them a set with the rest of the décor. The friendly earth pony from Ponyville was gone, and the steely-eyed missile mare was prepared to have her way with whatever Chrysalis left intact.

The ninth guard who had led the trio of conspirators into the throne room shouted, “You will abase yourself before the almighty conqueror, the merciless, the fiendish and diabolic Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings!”

“That means bow,” Occupant whispered helpfully, leading the example by stretching his forelimbs forward, placing his belly to the floor, and pressing his muzzle into the carpet. Dragonfly followed suit a moment later, and the minotaur took to one knee and bent forward, propping himself up with one massive arm, eyes lowered.

“Arise.” When the three looked up, they saw Chrysalis, lounging with a most malicious casualness in her throne, clapping her forehooves together and jerking her chin towards the door. Two of the ceremonial guards left the double lines flanking the throne and exited, shutting the door behind them. 

“I have read the transcripts of the interviews conducted by Chief Pilot Cherry Berry,” Chrysalis said, not so much sitting up as flowing from a fully recumbent slump into an upright seated position- sort of melting in reverse. “I have also read the early editions from Manehattan and Baltimare, which I had flown to me by changelings more faithful than any of you.” Reaching behind her, the queen pulled out three newspapers and tossed them in front of the trio. 

The Manehattan Times headline read: CHANGELING MOON SHOT MISSES BY 249,935 MILES.

The Manehattan Post, its cover a photo of the still-dripping probe hanging from underneath a trio of changelings in flight: ROBO NO-GO- CHRYSALIS’S BRAINCHILD FAILS TO LAUNCH.

And the Baltimare Sun, with its one-word headline: STAYPUTNIK!

“The last time I was humiliated this thoroughly it was by my enemies,” Chrysalis drawled, allowing the horror of the situation to sink in even deeper. “The last five times I was humiliated even half as much as this, the changelings responsible were made to suffer. And what I want to do to all three of you right now, for that alone,” she added, the drawl taking on a buzzsaw edge, “would make you envy the fate of those changelings. Oh, very much so.”

After allowing herself a moment to savor the threat, the queen took a deep breath and continued, “However, you three are profoundly lucky in that you are protected by circumstances.” A clipboard with a thick stack of paperwork on it clattered to the floor next to the newspapers. “For one thing, I still need all three of you fools, and I need you working at your utmost. That,” the queen said, pointing to the clipboard, “is the construction schedule for the VAB expansion. The work crews will be returning immediately after New Year’s celebrations to begin work on the third of the month. Assuming regularly scheduled weather, the work will be completed- at very great expense, mind you- two weeks after Winter Wrap-Up, just in time for the return of flight-operations weather.”

Chrysalis glared across the group before adding, “That means we have nine days, counting today, to launch a new moon fly-by mission. And this one MUST succeed. Which means, as much as I would like to dispense with you all three, I cannot- because you three are indispensable to a successful flight on this short a schedule.”

Leaning back in her throne, Chrysalis continued, “You are also lucky in that your queen was able to do some very fast talking in the last two days. I have lined up contracts for the spring, including tourist flights and even a contract for an artificial satellite that will orbit Equus’s poles. The advances on these contracts will fund operations through the winter in addition to repaying the enormous pile of bits you wasted on this ‘Stayputnik.’”

Marked Knee didn’t correct the name.

Chrysalis turned her attention to Dragonfly. “You in particular are also lucky that, unlike the other two, you weren’t actually in a position to order the flight. You only aided and abetted their conspiracy by volunteering your services as pilot. Thus, you have the lightest punishment.” Pausing a long moment to savor the tension, she eventually concluded, “Henceforth you shall be pilot for all tourist missions unless the contract specifically says otherwise. You shall be in charge of tourists during their flight training. And you, yourself, shall be training under Goddard the Griffon for a role as flight engineer.” Chrysalis glared and added, “In short, your time behind the stick will be reduced to the absolute minimum and the absolutely most unpleasant possible. Your joyrides are over.”

“Thank you, oh merciful queen!” Dragonfly hissed, bowing and groveling again. 

Chrysalis turned her attention to Occupant. “And you, in turn, are especially lucky that Marked Knee placed all the blame for this conspiracy and its failure on himself. He claimed that he misled you into thinking the mission would be easy. Knowing you all your life as I do, I can believe it.” She paused for a deep breath. “But,” she snarled, “although you are correct that I did not explicitly forbid a launch, and that you had authority to order one, you did ignore the clear implication that flight operations were to be closed until springtime, regardless of new developments. And I know even you are not stupid enough to have missed that implication.”

Occupant joined Dragonfly on the floor, groveling and trembling in fear.

“Henceforth,” Chrysalis continued, “your authority is curtailed. You can still accept contracts for missions already in planning, but no new missions may be scheduled except by consensus of the combined program leadership.” Chrysalis smiled a thin, humorless smile as she added, “That’s not punishment. That’s just shutting the front door after the pony has fled out the back(257). I have something much worse in mind for you.”

She clapped her hooves again, and the two guards re-entered the room. One carried a small but heavy hammer, of the kind used for fitting horseshoes(258). The other carried a milky sphere with a clear seam around its equator. 

“This,” Chrysalis said, “is your E-Z-Scry-Me Ball, Occupant. I ought to know- you thanked me for letting you buy it every day for over a month. It was, I believe, the very first thing you ever bought by mail order. The start, you might say, of your addiction.”

The guards set the cheap plastic ball and the hammer in front of Occupant, who raised his head and looked at the objects, obviously confused but unwilling to speak.

“I made some inquiries,” Chrysalis continued. “It seems this children’s toy is no longer in production. Not easily replaced. And, of course, it is the very first thing you ever bought. The heart of your collection. To the best of my knowledge, your most prized possession.” She smiled a nasty, fang-baring smile as she finished, “And now, my loyal servant, to demonstrate your loyalty to me, you will smash it.”

Occupant’s jaw dropped. “M-m-my queen?”

“You circumvented my will,” Chrysalis continued quietly, no longer smiling. “You embarrassed me in front of the entire world. You cost this program tens of thousands of bits for a flight that accomplished nothing. You abused my trust and endangered our efforts at conquering space in the process.” She jabbed a hoof at the plastic ball and snapped, “And now, if you ever want to return to my good graces, you will take that hammer and smash that toy until there is nothing left to mend.”

“My queen,” Occupant gasped, his normally raspy, nasal voice pinched even more by emotion, “p-please-“

“Do it.”

The hammer floated into the air in a flickering field of green magic. It wobbled up and over the little plastic ball, twitching and flinching in Occupant’s unsteady magical grip. It jerked up and down as Occupant tried and failed to suppress his sobs, as thick glutinous tears rolled down the sides of his muzzle. 

“That’s enough, Chrysalis.”

Cherry Berry stood, walked over to the tormented changeling, and swatted the hammer out of the air. Occupant’s magic winked out, and the hammer clattered to the floor, sliding over to the wall with a quiet hiss. “Punishment is one thing,” the pink pony continued, “but you were enjoying that too much.”

“And why should I not, pony?” Chrysalis hissed back. “You know what he did!”

“And I know he won’t be any use to us if you make him go through with this,” Cherry Berry continued. “Plus it’s just plain mean. Choose something else.”

Everyone in the room watched Chrysalis’s eyes, expecting an explosion of rage. Instead the queen settled for a single affronted snort and a toss of her long, lank mane. “Fine,” she said. “Occupant, your stipend is suspended for six months. Furthermore, you shall also begin flight training under George Cowley as an in-flight science specialist. Do you understand?”

As it happened, he didn’t. As soon as he’d realized that his sentence had been commuted, Occupant had hugged his first treasure to himself, weeping with relief. Eventually Cherry Berry had to shake the buck-toothed bug to bring him back into the here and now. 

Chrysalis looked even more annoyed than she had at the beginning as she repeated the new punishment, but that was nothing compared to her expression as Occupant went into a long, rambling mixture of thanks and apologies and praise, all mashed together with blubbering and weeping that made the whole completely incomprehensible. After about a minute and a half the whimpering became a croaking, gasping, rattly croak, even more incomprehensible than before, and Occupant, still clutching the E-Z-Scry-Me, flopped forward onto the floor.

“BREATHE, you idiot!” Chrysalis shouted. Cherry Berry tapped him atop the head for emphasis. 

Occupant stopped babbling, took an enormous gasping breath, and found his next words silenced by a timely pink hoof to the mouth.

“’Thank you my queen’ will suffice,” Chrysalis said. 

“Ah! Thank you! Ah! My queen!”

“Now if I may continue?” The sideshow having played itself out, Chrysalis turned her attention to Marked Knee. “I was speaking of luck,” she said. “You are the luckiest of the three of you, Dr. Knee. You are not one of my subjects, so I cannot exercise casual cruelty upon you…” She paused and considered. “Well, I could, I am a tyrant after all, but as enjoyable as it would be it would be more trouble than pleasure. 

“But you certainly will not escape consequences.” Chrysalis drew herself up to her full seated height. “For wasting the resources of this program and for suborning my subjects, and above all for engaging this program in a mission without the input or consent of myself or Chief Pilot Cherry Berry, your privileges are hereby curtailed for the duration. Henceforth you work under the supervision of, and at the pleasure of, Dr. von Brawn. All requests for any resources must go through Dr. Brawn. You are expressly forbidden from any further rocket design or implementation. Furthermore, your salary is halved for one year starting from your next paycheck. 

“And the next time you displease me in any way, your employment shall be terminated. Am I understood?”

“Yes, Queen Chrysalis,” Marked Knee replied meekly. 

“Good.” Chrysalis swept the room with her gaze. “Dr. von Brawn is awaiting us with a preliminary report on his failure analysis of Mission R1. Once we leave this room, we shall never speak of this again. But I have neither forgotten nor forgiven.” Her serpentine gaze stabbed at Dragonfly, Occupant and Marked Knee. “I will remember. And I will forgive only when this mess has been cleaned up in full.”

“One moment,” Cherry Berry said. “I just want to add that I am very angry, and very disappointed, in all of you. You put our dream at risk because you got impatient. You took risks. You were so eager to fly the mission that you got ‘go-happy’ when no-go was the right call. The next time it happens there might not be any more flights after that.” After a moment, she added, “That’s all I wanted to say- that I’m really disappointed, and you should be ashamed.”

Chrysalis, listening uncomfortably to this awkward ramble, slapped a hoof to her head. “One out of ten points for style, pony,” she muttered.

“Threats and emotional torture are your thing, not mine,” Cherry replied. “I’ll take Occupant to wash up. We’ll be in the board room in five minutes.” After noticing that Occupant’s drying tears had glued one of his hooves to his cheek, she corrected herself, “Ten minutes.”

SECOND DRAFT:

“You three do not know,” Queen Chrysalis drawled, “how lucky you all are.”

Normally Chrysalis’s throne room was utilitarian; a large high-backed chair on a little dais with a narrow carpet, so purple it was almost black, leading up to it, and two CSP security changelings in friendly-looking light blue peaked caps. On this day, however, Chrysalis had done it up properly. Tattered-looking tapestries strung from one edge of the ceiling to the other, hanging down with deliberate menace. The two regular guards had been replaced by eight warriors in full battle armor. Even the queen herself had dressed up, adding a cape and pauldrons to her little knobbed crown. 

The blonde-maned pink pony seated on the floor next to the dais clashed with everything else, despite Cherry Berry’s attempt to look authoritative by adding her fluffy-collared flight jacket(256). But the light lavender eyes had gone steel-gray with anger, making them a set with the rest of the décor. The friendly earth pony from Ponyville was gone, and the steely-eyed missile mare was prepared to have her way with whatever Chrysalis left intact.

And in front of them all, bowing or kneeling, were the three conspirators, Occupant, Marked Knee, and Dragonfly, come to pay the piper.

“I have read the transcripts of the interviews conducted by Chief Pilot Cherry Berry,” Chrysalis said, not so much sitting up as flowing from a fully recumbent slump into an upright seated position- sort of melting in reverse. “I have also read the early editions from Manehattan and Baltimare, which I had flown to me by changelings more faithful than any of you.” Reaching behind her, the queen pulled out three newspapers and tossed them in front of the trio. 

The Manehattan Times headline read: CHANGELING MOON SHOT MISSES BY 249,935 MILES.

The Manehattan Post, its cover a photo of the still-dripping probe hanging from underneath a trio of changelings in flight: ROBO NO-GO- CHRYSALIS’S BRAINCHILD FAILS TO LAUNCH.

And the Baltimare Sun, with its one-word headline: STAYPUTNIK!

“The last time I was humiliated this thoroughly it was by my enemies,” Chrysalis drawled, allowing the horror of the situation to sink in even deeper. “The last five times I was humiliated even half as much as this, the changelings responsible were made to suffer. And what I want to do to all three of you right now, for that alone,” she added, the drawl taking on a buzzsaw edge, “would make you envy the fate of those changelings. Oh, very much so.”

After allowing herself a moment to savor the threat, the queen took a deep breath and continued, “However, as I said, you three are extremely lucky.” A clipboard with a thick stack of paperwork on it clattered to the floor next to the newspapers. “For one thing, you’re lucky I need you to clean up this mess in a hurry. That,” the queen said, pointing to the clipboard, “is the construction schedule for the VAB expansion. The work crews return immediately after New Year’s celebrations end, and while they work, we are grounded- for the entire winter and possibly longer.”

Chrysalis glared across the group before adding, “That means we have nine days, counting today, to launch a new moon fly-by mission. And this one MUST succeed. That means I can’t get rid of you- as much as I want to right now.”

Leaning back in her throne, Chrysalis continued, “You are also lucky to have a wise and crafty queen like myself. While you were flying and crashing your expensive pinwheel, I lined up contracts for the spring that will cover the costs of ‘Stayputnik,’ including tourist flights and even a contract for an artificial satellite that will orbit Equus’s poles.”

Marked Knee didn’t correct the name.

Chrysalis turned her attention to Dragonfly. “That will be part of your punishment. You are from now on in charge of all tourists during their flight training. And since you demonstrated an interest in machinery, you, yourself, shall be training under Goddard the Griffon for a role as flight engineer.” Chrysalis glared and added, “In short, I intend your time behind the stick to be as short and unpleasant as possible henceforth. Your joyrides are over.”

“Thank you, oh merciful queen!” Dragonfly hissed, bowing and groveling again. 

Chrysalis turned her attention to Marked Knee. “You are not one of my subjects, so I cannot exercise casual cruelty upon you…” She paused and considered. “Well, I could, I am a tyrant after all, but as enjoyable as it would be it would be more trouble than pleasure. And you did try to put all the blame for this fiasco on yourself. A noble gesture, but wasted on me.”

Chrysalis drew herself up to her full seated height. “You are hereby demoted. You can no longer authorize anything or give orders to anyone in this program. All requests for materials and labor will have to go through Dr. von Brawn, who shall be your permanent supervisor. In particular you are banned from ever designing a rocket again. Furthermore, your salary shall be cut in half for the following year.

“And the next time you displease me in any way, your employment shall be terminated outright. Am I understood?”

“Yes, Queen Chrysalis,” Marked Knee replied meekly. 

This left Occupant. “And you. I gave you authority, and you abused it. I gave you trust, and you betrayed it. Marked Knee may have talked you into it, but you are a changeling! You are supposed to deceive others! You’re not supposed to be the sucker!”

Occupant joined Dragonfly on the floor, groveling and trembling in fear.

“And you are the luckiest of all,” Chrysalis continued, “because I need you too badly to dispose of you as I want. I can’t even take your job away- noling else wants it.”

Occupant didn’t raise his head. He’d been in trouble with Chrysalis before, and he knew better to get his hopes up prematurely.

“But that doesn’t mean I can’t do anything, oh no my dear Occupant.” Chrysalis stood from her throne and stepped down the dais, towering over the drone. “You are stripped of your power to unilaterally order missions. You can still accept contracts for missions already in planning, but no new missions may be scheduled except by consensus of the combined program leadership.” Chrysalis smiled a thin, humorless smile as she added, “That’s not your punishment. That’s just shutting the front door after the pony has fled out the back(257). I have something much worse in mind for you.”

She clapped her hooves again, and two guards entered the room. One carried a small but heavy hammer, of the kind used for fitting horseshoes(258). The other carried a milky sphere with a clear seam around its equator. 

“This,” Chrysalis said, “is your E-Z-Scry-Me Ball, Occupant. I ought to know- you thanked me for letting you buy it every day for over a month. You shake it and ask a yes-no question, and it gives an answer, which is sometimes accurate. It was, I believe, the very first thing you ever bought by mail order. The start, you might say, of your addiction.”

The guards set the cheap plastic ball and the hammer in front of Occupant, who raised his head and looked at the objects, obviously confused but still too scared to speak.

“I made some inquiries,” Chrysalis continued. “It seems this children’s toy is no longer in production. Not easily replaced. And, of course, it is the very first thing you ever bought. The heart of your collection. Your most prized possession.” She smiled a nasty, fang-baring smile as she finished, “And now, my loyal servant, to demonstrate your loyalty to me, you will smash it.”

Occupant’s eyes bulged even more so than usual. “NOOOO!” he shouted. “My queen, PLEEEEASE!”

“You circumvented my will,” Chrysalis continued coldly, no longer smiling. “You embarrassed me in front of the entire world. You cost this program tens of thousands of bits for a flight that accomplished nothing. You abused my trust and endangered our conquest of space in the process.” She jabbed a hoof at the plastic ball and snapped, “And now, if you ever want to return to my good graces, you will take that hammer and smash that toy until there is nothing left to mend.”

“My queen,” Occupant gasped, his normally raspy, nasal voice pinched even more by despair, “mercy, p-please-“

“Do it.”

The hammer floated into the air in a flickering field of green magic. It wobbled up and over the little plastic ball, twitching and flinching in Occupant’s unsteady magical grip. It jerked up and down as Occupant tried and failed to suppress his sobs, as thick glutinous tears rolled down the sides of his muzzle. The hammer swung once, twice, checking itself each time well short of the plastic. With each miss, Occupant’s sobs grew louder, as the changeling worked himself up to the horrible, horrible act he was about to-

“That’s enough, Chrysalis.”

Cherry Berry stood, walked over to the tormented changeling, and swatted the hammer out of the air. Occupant’s magic winked out, and the hammer clattered to the floor, sliding over to the wall with a quiet hiss. “Punishment is one thing,” the pink pony continued, “but you were enjoying that too much.”

“And why should I not, pony?” Chrysalis hissed back. “You know what he did!”

“And I know he won’t be any use to us if you make him go through with this,” Cherry Berry continued. “Plus it’s just plain mean. Choose something else.”

Everyone in the room watched Chrysalis’s eyes, expecting an explosion of rage. Instead the queen settled for a single affronted snort and a toss of her long, lank mane. “Very well,” she said. “Occupant, your personal stipend is suspended for six moons. Furthermore, you shall also begin flight training under George Cowley as an in-flight science specialist. Not George Bull, I mean the boring, dry-as-toast one. Henceforth half your workday will be devoted to Dr. Cowley’s tutelage. Do you understand?”

As it happened, he didn’t. As soon as he’d realized that his sentence had been commuted, Occupant had hugged his first treasure to himself, trembling and weeping with relief, utterly deaf to the world. Eventually Cherry Berry had to shake the buck-toothed bug to bring him back into the here and now. 

Chrysalis looked even more annoyed than she had at the beginning as she repeated the new punishment. It only got worse as Occupant went into a long, rambling mixture of thanks and apologies and praise, all mashed together with blubbering and weeping that made the whole completely incomprehensible. After about a minute and a half he began to run out of air, and yet he continued babbling incoherently in a gasping, rattly croak, until he flopped forward on the floor again, still clutching the E-Z-Scry-Me.

“BREATHE, you idiot!” Chrysalis shouted. Cherry Berry tapped him atop the head for emphasis. 

Occupant stopped babbling, took an enormous gasping breath, and found his next words silenced by a timely pink hoof to the mouth.

“’Thank you my queen’ will suffice,” Chrysalis said. 

“Ah! Thank you! Ah! My queen!”

“Now if I may continue?” Chrysalis swept the room with her gaze. “Dr. von Brawn is awaiting us with a preliminary report on his failure analysis of Mission R1. Once we leave this room, we shall never speak of this again. But I have neither forgotten…” Her serpentine gaze stabbed at Dragonfly, Occupant and Marked Knee. “… nor forgiven.” This said, she turned her head to face Cherry. “Do you have anything to add, pony?”

Cherry Berry took a deep breath. “I was going to rip your heads off-“

“If I’m not allowed to do it,” Chrysalis muttered, “neither are you.”

“Figure of speech!!” Cherry Berry protested. She took another deep breath, then continued, “I had a lot of things to say, but after what Chrysalis put Occupant through I don’t feel like it anymore. 

“I’ll just say I am very angry, and very disappointed, in all of you. You put our dream at risk because you got impatient. You took risks. You didn’t have enough hooves to keep track of everything, so you cut corners. You were so eager to fly the mission that you got ‘go-happy’ when no-go was the right call. The next time it happens there might not be any more flights after that. The next time it happens it might be one of us in the ship.” Cherry Berry waved her hoof around the room, indicating everyone. “So there can’t be a next time, understand?” 

After a moment, she added, “That’s all I wanted to say- that I’m really disappointed, and you should be ashamed.”

Chrysalis, listening uncomfortably to this awkward ramble, slapped a hoof to her head. “One out of ten points for style, pony,” she muttered.

“Threats and emotional torture are your thing, not mine,” Cherry replied. “I’ll take Occupant to wash up. We’ll be in the board room in five minutes.” After noticing that Occupant’s drying tears had glued one of his hooves to his cheek, she corrected herself, “Ten minutes.”

Footnotes:

(256) Or she might have just been cold. It was snowing outside, after all.

(257) An exclusively changeling expression. Ponies would say, “shutting the barn door after the stampede is over.”

(258) Although no pony on Equus would ever tolerate nails being driven through their hooves, and thus designed their shoes to be slip-on, the shoes still required precision bending to fit the unique curve of each hoof. With work shoes this is not a gentle process.