'never feels quite enough' (lyrics!) (Patreon)

Here are the lyrics for ‘never feels quite enough’, the demo I uploaded yesterday (have a lil’ scroll back if you missed it!). 

like all of us

i’m sure he was six,

wishing he was ten

just a little older

the very thing

he probably chased 

has brought him closer

to the end of his days

hospital coffee

clear blue sky

long nights, long sighs

a routine cry

‘cause now his pain

is ever-growing

but he’s ever laughing, ever smiling

ever knowing

and i just wanna know

why it’s taken me so long

to look at us humans

and see that we’re so strong

I just wish I had more words to say out loud

I just wish I had more love to give out

(it never feels quite enough)

twice a day

she’s in the ward

his dinner comes

she’s always ready with the fork

time is backwards

he’s like her child

i wonder how it feels

to watch his mind decline

(chorus) 

(“it never feels quite enough” repeated)

(chorus)

…as I said before this song is about my Grandad Charlie who is suffering with dementia. Like everyone he has good & bad days, but even now on his better days it’s hard to connect with him and get on the same page. That said, for the most part he still has such a sunny disposition and even when we’re not quite sure what he’s on about he’s still chuckling to himself, smiling peacefully to himself in each moment of silence. I tried to hit on that a little in the first verse - “ever-smiling, ever-laughing, ever-knowing”. The reference to a “clear blue sky” came from my visit with him last week.. he has a blue curtain drawn all around his little portion of the ward, and despite the window being out of sight he kept looking up at the curtain and remarking about how clear & calm the sky looked that day. We chose to nod along. :)

The chorus lyrics go a little more inward-facing; I zoom out to notice that it really isn’t until this point that I’ve truly realised how bloody amazing human beings are. Just walking around the hospital and seeing all the families was amazing.. those battling illness & disease were just trying to get on with it, talking with their loved ones about sport and celebrities and the weather.. some of the family members keeping it together, others brave enough to lay their emotions bare and cry together. There is no right or wrong way to act in these situations, but heck, I just think we are so amazingly resilient sometimes. 

The second verse is about my Granny. She is a bloody hero, just the strongest, funniest person. She’s managed to strike such a perfect balance between caring for him but also giving herself some time & love.. making sure she sleeps properly, going for coffee with friends, going for walks, going to mass. She knows what she needs to do each day to keep herself sane & happy and still manages to drive to the hospital once, twice, often three times a day to see my Grandad, to give him a cuddle or help him with his food. I guess age strikes us all at different times and rates, and seeing her remain so sharp whilst he slips away is tricky, but still I’m so glad she’s well & able enough to care for him. This woman is my absolute hero.

The tagline of the chorus & repeated lyric in the middle 8 is fairly self-explanatory.. “I just wish I had more love to give out”. With these hospital visits there’s a certain amount of going through the motions.. slap on the hand gel, ask him about his day, talk about yours, say goodbye. But it’s usually after I leave the hospital that I wish I’d said more, wish I’d opened up more, wish I’d shown more love in a totally open, unguarded way. But I guess that’s pretty normal of a lot of situations.. could have, would have, should have… !

Hope you like the song guys. Can’t thank you enough for the gorgeous response so far. :)

OG

xxxxxx