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who you were / who you are (Patreon)

Published:
2021-07-17 09:28:01
Imported:
2026-06
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hallo loves

all i want to do is drive around the south island listening to pj harvey’s “stories from the city..” demos. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that and i’ve worked really hard all my life so why can’t i just do that for a few days…just a few days, please?

a question, to be answered in the comments so we can all read and enjoy the existential stew:

1. who were you a year and a half ago?

2. who are you now?

say anything.

i’ll go first.

1.

i was a popular touring musician and speaker technically living in woodstock, new york, who was finishing up a world tour and about to do another tour and album recording, with my band. a mother of a kid but to be honest, mostly focused on my ambition. always busy. often at peace but only when in motion.


2.

now i am a person who lives in a small town in new zealand, wears ugg boots and plaid unironically, wants to hike and hang out with my child more than run my business, and who writes words and songs about feelings on the internet for a living. still always busy but less obsessed with having to be busy. more at ease; still struggling with motion. both more confused and less confused. placeless but at peace with it.




be honest.

your turn.

xa


(header post photo by me. hiking photo of me and victoria by neil gaiman, taken today near queenstown, NZ)

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Comments

Jozias

We do some positive reading every start of the day. They give me a basic feeling all will be well when I bring in my share of positivity. We read series that is new every day and some are monthly or yearly the same. It's not that I need every idea already to be mine. So the new stuff changes in different ways. It helps us to accept and let go.

river fortino

1. A year and a half ago I was a self employed writer, releasing book 4, second book as part of a writing group musing on local legends. I live with my partner of over 30 years and my mother. He worked full time, she part time. When Covid hit my mom was laid off for over six months and my partner's company had him work from home. We were privileged no one lost their job. But with everyone home and taking up my alone time and space, I did not thrive. It was difficult to settle into a routine with people home and wandering around, working, talking on the phone, the tv on, etc. I was used to a quiet house for most of the day to put my thoughts together and write. During the Covid lockdown my mother was diagnosed with early onset dementia. A situation that got noticeably worse with the down time the lockdown brought us. 2. A year and a half later ... my mother has gone back to part time work, but much less part time than last year. I have had to take over certain financial situations for her and she's going to have to stop driving soon. My partner's work has decided to keep most everyone working from home unless they need to go into the office, which he only needs to do every eight weeks or so. My body is in peri menopause, and although I do not have the more notorious symptoms, I do not feel as though my body is my own. And certain things that helped get me into the writing space do not work anymore. My entire life has shifted in one year to a situation beyond my control. I am still learning to deal with people being home everyday, it's a slow process. One good thing, the lockdown forced certain issues between my partner and I, and I think we have a better understanding of each other now. I have come out completely as a polyam person and a five year friendship has grown into love. So I have a husband and a boyfriend to help me navigate the thornier aspects of the ever tipping over lockdown dominos. And that is something to be grateful for.

Anonymous

1) I was a teacher struggling a lot after getting a knee arthroplasty in June 2019 with minor complications (temporary paralysis) still working full time while recovering and barely getting through the school year due to exhaustion. 2) Still a teacher, loving my job again despite having worked much more than ever since the pandemic. Suffering from anxiety and panic (suddenly again, after 10 years of not doing so). But finally my leg has recovered and I am able to move fully and even ride my beloved bike again. Luckily most friends and family were able to keep their jobs, some unfortunately fell ill but most recovered quickly. Strange times we live in, but I am trying to make the best out of it and enjoying the much needed quality time I know have for myself and my boyfriend.

Anonymous

1) 18 months ago I was fighting to find a better diagnosis than "oh, it's just vertigo". I was struggling with the awful that had been my marriage for the last 9 months of 2019, and feeling cautiously optimistic about the work we'd put into making it better. I was heartbroken at having to cancel our anniversary vacation to the coast, because we were watching the progression of Covid-19 and with my compromised immune system we couldn't risk it. I was trying to accept the loss of independence because of my vertigo, as I didn't feel it was safe for the other drivers on the road for me to drive. I couldn't knit any more, which was my mindfulness practice and sanity because my broken wrist from 2018 never healed right (I'd refused surgery because my body doesn't respond well to anesthesia). I was also dealing with the depression from Hell which wasn't just sucking the creativity out of me - I couldn't even bring myself to work on safe and familiar crochet patterns that I'd been doing since I was 10. 2) Lockdown put added strain on our marriage due to the constant togetherness, but we made it through and are finally in a really good place. No more life-and-heart-quakes. Still no better diagnosis but I got an awesome Neuro out of it who's helping me stay on top of my migraines. I'm using a walker for all trips out of the home - I should be using one at home, as well, but that's just a step too far for me right now. I'm still not driving. I'm still not making any art, and still not crocheting. I'm still depressed but taking meds and continuing with therapy - and it's nowhere near what it was a year ago. The dogs and I are having a hard time adjusting to my husband being back in the office full time. Overall life is better than it was and my newish therapist is helping me keep it that way.

Erin C

1. 18 months ago I was being shocked at being grateful that our crappy insurance system in the US denied my mother in-patient rehab after falling and breaking her hip. This meant she was discharged home, where we felt completely unprepared to care for her, instead of a 6-week rehab program 8 days before our county went into lockdown. If she'd been in rehab we wouldn't have seen her in person for at least 2 months. 18 months ago, I'd already lost "who I was before". I just got there 3 weeks sooner than most of the US. 2. Now, tonight in fact, is the last night we're spending in the family home of 34 years. Partly instigated by my mom's fall and the support we all needed to help her get through that (she has Alzheimer's too), we're moving in the morning about an hour away to be 5 minutes from my sister and her family. I've lived in and around Dallas my whole life (apart from college and later grad school), but now I'm moving to a town. I'm 47 and will be living with nearly 80 year olds. I don't know who this woman is except that she'll fight for her parents to have the best life they can. For me? I feel like the bubble universe outside our universe. I'm still over there. I was a musician. No one can take that from me even if my opportunities to play in community have disappeared. I love with my heart right on my fucking chest, and yet I'm this content, whole person unmoored from everything I've ever known. I don't know. Ask again in a couple weeks. Maybe I'll have a better answer <3

Antti Roppola

1. 18 months ago I was kind of sort of a firefighter, with the rest of the folk in as small town as a giant unprecedented fire swept in. With a little luck we saved the town. The night was hot and dry. Everything tasted of smoke. Dead birds littered the streets. My neighbour who run the restaurant in town turn up with steaks and bottles of beer and we BBQed the steaks and drank beer as we watched the hills glow and twinkle with red coals like a malevolent Milky Way. 2. I am in isolation as a precaution and watch others fight a different kind of fire burning across New South Wales.

Anonymous

18 months ago, I had been living in London for 6 months, and was about to move to Canada for two years of no plans, travelling and finding jobs on the road. I had no stability in my life, and had loved London so much that I wanted to come back to settle there after my Canadian visa ended. I was alternating jobs on film festivals, may main career, and in kitchens to pay the rent, unsure of what I wanted, but aware that my life wasn’t satisfying. 

Now, I am still in London. Canada closed their borders before I could go, and I want to believe it was for the best. I have spent a year and a half in almost total isolation, and I’m not sure how to build a support system and a life here, with the future looking so dark. I fell in love though, and am thriving within the most loving and supportive romantic relationship I’ve ever known. I am at the point in my festival career where things could be comfortable and more stable but… I’m realising I don’t like this life, and these jobs that come my way. I have different priorities, different callings. I’m just starting to sketch and draw the future I want, and hopefully will find the paths I can take to get there. I know myself so much more now. I’m lonely. I’m happy. i’m lucky. I’m lost. Everything is terrible and great.

LizBeth Gellybore Frinton

wow...gosh...a year ago? I was freaked out about covid: already had it (Jan into Feb of '20), worried I'd catch it again, be suffering long-haul effects that might still kill me &/or kill my parents (in their 80s, immunocompromised) or kids (in their early 20s), or my partner...I am an essential worker, so had to go to an office w/others & work, daily. Created a huge amount of anxiety. I was pissed off about people hoarding toilet paper and cleaning supplies; beyond mentally unstable about the "stable genius" leading the US (honest to goddess, every time I just heard a single syllable in his voice, I was driven to machinating suicide missions in my daydreams); I was beyond disbelief at all those believing Q conspiracy theories, faux news & wondering how I might have to deal with death, if I could handle it or if I'd go off the deep end. All of my dreams were of me navigating underground cities/malls/spaces, dealing with some crowds, but my goal was me trying to find my family, loved ones, friends, and attempting to avoid an un-specified disaster..but I'd find another hallway, or connector to take me to an apartment/house that was supposed to be my Gran's (she's passed on)...or my dorm from college...or sometimes those two were connected by hallways. But I very rarely ended up outside. If I did, it was important in the dream to get back inside. Now??? I'm still an essential worker, worried that, even though I was vaccinated, I could die from a side effect, from catching some vafiant, from being a long-haul post-covid side-effect sufferer...now that my workspace has been reopened to the public, I find my anxiety creeping back in, especially with the variant/s factored in. Those dreams are recurring again, after a few months respite...but still navigating the underground, trying to avoid the crowds, but having no way to do that >>> no side tunnels or escape ways. No outside. Also, my Mom got diagnosed w/pancreatic cancer last month & finally got her surgery...but I wonder if they could have caught it sooner if they just got her in for appointments during Covid lckdown? Still anxiety-ridden & going thru a lot of emotions. Up & down daily. But SO grateful that my parents are still with me, my kids are healthy, my partner is patient & kind & that I have a job & a roof over my head. (& I worry about folks who will be evicted once the moratoriums run out, as well as the cost of housing that got all jacked up...ugh) I was feeling better about things until the cases started spiking again

Elizabeth Feldman
>>64287685

I worried about that too. I told my brother to message me if he ever needs money because I will find it and send it to him. I could never see that one of my family members go homeless, I wouldn't allow it... wish there were more options for people who need homes. There's so many problems with how that is set up in every country, and we can only pray that these people make it to safe passage, and that they are utilizing their resources to the best of their ability. I tell you.. That is scary. I guess I can say this: After overcoming homelessness by living in a hotel room, or two, I often thought of how I was at the pit of despair, and it can happen to anyone. We do make it out and thrive afterward if we want to. I never slept in the woods, or in a car. Rob always took care of us the best he could, and I did the same thing. I feel bad for people who don't necessarily know how to be responsible and wind up homeless. If I could fix that flaw in the world, I would do it in a heart beat. Instead of having anxiety about what can be, you should just enjoy where you are in the moment because you will gain a lot more brain power if you know you have no control over the problem at hand right away, but you form a plan for a great solution. I am really happy to hear that you have your family too. Liz, we have some powerful technology in 2020. We can overcome various types of cancers compared to the 90s. I will say this, Dr. Ben Carson healed my brother Josh's brain when he was a toddler, and everyone thought he was going to die. Guess what? He didn't. Your mom will make it through so long as she takes proper steps to care for herself, and takes the vitamins that are recommended, and her medication. I'm sending love, prayers, and healing thoughts. I live close to my mom, dad, and even my biological family now. Also another suggestion is this, for the at risk people: if you know someone who often goes broke, it would not help to give proper advise by telling them to go to a financial advisor in that kind of worry, and that there are resources out there depending on how much a person can find them. Churches, social services, community action programs, shelters, Salvation Army have so many ways of helping pay rent and utilities. Also, there are food pantries. I only say this because my mom taught me how to do all this when we were not prospering like we are now. And hey many more advocates have places for people in need if anyone is in need at all. I never stayed myself, but I have seen people make it to the other side of a shelter. Much love from here in the USA

LizBeth Gellybore Frinton

Thank you @ElizabethAcosta...that we share a name is comforting to me! Your words do, too. Thank you for taking time to share them with me.

melissa w.

A little late to the party but here goes. 1. I was coming up on 5 years in NYC, Wall Street by day and Brooklyn by night; navigating the trauma of divorcing a man who was on trial for (and then convicted of) trying to harm children. I had just started to feel the ground again, preparing myself for more fallout and the prospect of Starting Over yet again. Basically tired and scared and trying to plow through. 2. I’m now living in the Midwest, near my partner and surrounded by trees and birds and little scurrying mammals and deer and my plants and woods and rivers. My life has a slower pace and it’s been healing even amongst the trauma of the pandemic. The one thing that hasn’t changed is I am surrounded by so much love.

Seia Gamble

Totally late to the conversation! I think I might add a fun story though: 1. I had graduated high school in 2019 and was about halfway through my gap year (I took it so that I could work specifically on my music portfolio for my dream college). I had just gotten accepted before the lockdowns. During that gap year I met my first serious partner and lost my virginity. I had also gotten my first big, real job. All of my high school friends hadn't waited for me to get accepted though (as they shouldn't) and left for college and their new lives. I was living alone at home with the least amount of friends that I could ever remember. It was essentially a period of my life dedicated to completely looking myself in the face and realizing that while I had just completed four years of being-completely-sure-that-I-knew-exactly-what-the-fuck-was-going-on-because-of-course-I-do-that's-what-being-in-high-school-is-right? I really, truly had no fucking idea what was going on. I didn't know who I was musically, sexually, as a partner, or as an adult. I was spending a ton of time in my room as it was and felt more isolated and lonely that I had in my whole adolescence. I felt like I was five years old again and was completely out of control of anything I cared about. It was awful. I thought it was going to change when I went to college, but then of course to lockdown happened. 2. Weirdly, I'm the most centered I've ever felt. My relationship fell apart, and the kid in me grew up and stood a little bit taller when I looked at it and said, 'I love this person more than anything but jesus christ I am not getting what I need, and this person can't grow while we're still together.' Realizing how willing I was to make concessions repeatedly out of love and the fear of losing a 'soulmate' was a real slap in the face, and I'm still proud of breaking something good off because it just wasn't going to pan out long term. Then my parents separated. It was even more bizarre realizing that my relationship had been a microcosm of theirs, and that if I hadn't broken it off I would have repeated a generational cycle. Choosing to leave that relationship was like a chain reaction. I worked my way through my new job until I left as an honored member of the team and an authority figure. I earned straight A's through all of my online college courses. I started making art for myself and realizing how much I worried about what others thought before ever creating, leading to now tons of acknowledgement from my college and the administration for my ideas. I dated around. I made choices for myself. I learned to stand a little bit taller with each choice I made, and each uncomfortable moment I stuck it through. I can honestly say that I haven't moved much in terms of tangible change, but I do believe that I went into the pandemic as an adolescent and came out of it an adult. A young, bumbling adult that is still bound to fuck up, but an adult. The difference being the faith to know that I am always walking in the exact direction that I need to be, and that I can handle a situation when it arises. It was really bizarre to be so young and at such a pivotal moment in life before the pandemic. In a weird way, I've noticed that kids my age kind of just rolled with the punches. I think at this point we're used to being told that this is 'a completely unprecedented era' and then giving everyone a thumbs up and keeping our heads down while we try to still pass school. I was really lucky to not have my life decimated by the lockdown or the virus, and my heart goes out to anyone that did. My 'story' isn't all the interesting in terms of where I am, but it's a good example of how weird it can be to hole up in your parent's basement for a year and a half and come out saying 'I'm a whole new man and I'm ready to conquer the world!!!' Life marches on I suppose. <3

Deniz Bevan

A year and a half ago I was a commuting working mother, with one published novel. Now I work from home, and have two publications out and one pending! I've also (cliche alert) successfully baked bread (but not sourdough, yet). Some things around the house have gotten easier, but I'm still way more snappy and short-fused than I'd like to be, with the two kids. On the other hand, I really love being able to be around them more often. I think we lucked out a lot during this whole time by being where we are (Canadians in Switzerland) and having young kids (both under 7) I also can't seem to lose a final 5kg!