to thing or not two things. talk to me. (Patreon)

Hello loves.

Well, fuck, as they say.

I'm here and reading all the comments and here to chat in realtime tonight, so please vote and write in. I'm reading and answering right now.

I just had a little come-to-jesus moment in the kitchen and am taking a page out of my own literal book. I am asking. Art of it. 

I have had an overwhelming time lately, trying to prioritize work, home, kid, life, writing and projects. 

I've been stumbling with the collision of mothering, running the new household, unpacking, the start of a new school, finding help, connecting with the past and my old life and friends, digging out of the email and text inbox mountain, and trying to keep it all hanging together in the wake of August, getting Covid, and all that was supposed to get "caught up" in the Great Catching up. I did not fucking catch up. I feel further behind. I just went to a wedding of an important person in my life. I had Ash for four days solo and thought I'd be able to write in the morning hours. Oh, you sweet optimist. It didn't happen. He kept waking up at 6am. 

I wish I could write about the wedding (it was Anthony's widow, Laura), and what it all felt like, up to and inducing the friends who feel I've turned into an absent ghost. It's on the nose. I have. I know. 

I wish I could write about everything happening right now. It's how I process. Yet, I can't. I feel so short-shirfted, like time is disappearing before my eyes like quicksand. And I know many can relate right now. Everything feels so wonky. I am trying to prioritize so many things and feel like I'm failing in every department.

Being a patronage-based artist-mother has been so wonderful and yet so agonizing at times. 

This is one of those agonizing times.

I try to be honest with you. I can honestly say right now that I don't really know what to do, and as I sat with my head spinning at the kitchen table, staring into a candle, I realized I should just come straight to the source - you're the source - and ask. Now you gotta be honest with me.

So: I had two thing tee'd up to "thing" this month: 1) the Althing/newsletter - which is always a long post to assemble and write - and 2) an "Ask Amanda" column which has been percolating in my heart and brain. 

I chose an "Ask Amanda" question a few weeks ago and sent the topic (it's about whether or not to have a child right now, good lord, yep) to my usual freelance illustrator Sarah Beetson, who already finished the illustration, which is gorgeous....and she even added her own answer (she was a mum on the fence as well). The copy editor, Rina Bander, is standing by. If I really focus and write for 5-6 hours tomorrow, I can nail it. I can write most of the Althing on Thursday, it's 90% finished. 

I worked on the column today and....well, it's really good. I like writing fast and hard. It needs work. It's not done. I can DO IT. I know I can, because I'm a good, fast writer. But also, I'm freaking out because there are so many other Life things to deal with. And, of course, that's part of what the column is about. (I'm not blind).

If I play my cards right, I'll tie my ass to a chair and write the column (and the Althing) during most of tomorrow (Wednesday) and Thursday, and these two "things" would come out back-to-back. The column would ideally be published in the next 48 hours (on Medium, along with a video reading, which I'd need to record as well) and the Althing would be published on Friday, and it'd all "get in" before the 30th, which is my deadline to get two posts in before the end of the month. (And I can hear Hayley's voice in my head, by the way, chiding me to switch my patreon model to be monthly, and not per thing. That's a long story for another post).

I looked at the clock and the calendar.

I started getting cold feet. I worry.

I stared into a candle and thought: what should I do. What should I do?

And the little answer came back to me:

Ask.

Ask the patrons.

So I'm asking, and here's my conundrum:

I'm afraid that publishing two pieces of writing/content (the Column and the Althing) immediately back-to-back - possibly even having to publish them on the same day if they run into one another and the column edit and formatting takes a moment - will just irritate everybody and I'll see a quiet drop-off in patronage.

I want you all to be very, very honest with me and tell me how you're feeling about the cadence of the patreon and the releases, and how you even feel about being charged for the patreon and this "we are paying for Amanda to write columns" concept. 

I worry that releasing two pieces of content like this right on top of one another will just hurt your eyeballs.

I don't feel at all guilty about being paid to write. I love it.

But I don't want to lose your faith.

I imagine that the people who answer the poll will probably vote for me to write and publish as I have time, as I see fit. Go ahead, you'll probably say. That's usually what happens. 

But maybe that won't happen.

I'm not doing this because I need affirmation, although the affirmation is always nice. 

I just want to see what you really think, and how you vote. Honestly. 

If you tell me that you're a little tired of seeing me work like this, I'll delay the column til next month. It won't break my bank or the business. It'll free me up to clean and organize the house tomorrow instead of writing. I'll probably just thing three things in October, instead of two.

And mostly, this is just a post to see how everybody is feeling about the cadence of things in general. 

Don't tell me, by the way, to "thing" organizing my house. That's a nice thought, but it's not art.

I've been focusing this month on domestic stuff, Ash, home, hearth, going to a friends wedding, playdates, and I've been writing very little, and making very little art. I know it will change, but right now...this just is what it is. 

If you're wondering: why is she going to spend the next hour and change talking in patreon comments, instead of working on her column...it's because I have the brain bandwidth to chat right now, but not to write. I spent all day writing, working on the to-do list, and my brain is fried. But when my brain is fried, I want to chat.

I also like that this process is real. It's real. I still fucking love that this is real and I can come here, and relieve my lonely anxieties, and talk to you. And ask.

So.

Talk to me. I'm going to make a cup of tea and go take a shower for the first time in days and come back.

xx

AFP