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Closure. (Patreon)

Published:
2022-10-21 12:24:07
Imported:
2026-06
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Content

My darling.

You may never ever

get the closure

you so deeply crave.


The wound may never close.


I am here to tell you

that I love you

and

I am holding

your grief

gently

in my tired hands


the way the poet

nurses

a frustrating

and

unfinishable

poem.

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Comments

Sandra Marek

Thank you. I love you and this community, Amanda. Thank you.

Dahlia

Love that, thank you

Karen Willey

The nourishing hug I needed this morning. ♥️ 🙏🏽

Nicholas Potter

I like the wound healing metaphor a lot. In med school we were taught that there is healing by first intention (clean cuts, stitch-able wounds) and by secondary intention (the big, deep, often dirty wounds. You can’t put the wound edges together and have to let them fill in from the bottom and edges.) A remarkable thing about the latter is that epithelial cells migrate in and lay down collagen, gradually healing the open space. Is it pretty? No. Is it rapid? No. Is it painless? Oh, hell no. There’s a lot of scrubbing and cleaning to go through. It’s amazing nonetheless. We bear scars at the end, marks of the cause and the care.

Marie

Apt. I learned about ambiguous grief last night, and that, no surprise, I'm suffering with that on top of regular bouts of grief. I'm damn tired.

Angel Rosen

I haven't written a fresh poem for a moment, but I just wrote this one to follow you. Arms full of dead dogs, dead friends, great aunts long dead from cancer, loves lost at airports and loves lost at intervals— can’t hold one more damn thing without dropping everything. I fear it will become indistinguishable if it all falls to the floor, I fear I will pack the mess into a laundry basket strapped to my back and Atlas the fuck out of burden of being the living one. Little voice within me, raising my hand to say teacher, when I grow up, I want to be the one who lives. …except, for all the times I didn’t want to live. A porous phenomenon, leaking from my mother-wound and other things unattended-to, I go to my middle school best friend’s dad’s funeral because I didn’t go to my aunt’s and because I love my friend and because everyone lost someone this year and because I couldn’t have a funeral for my dogs and no one would’ve came to the dead-dog-parade because I asked my friends to stop loving me so I could die with my dogs. On the phone with my beloved vet I say, I want to be the one who dies. …except, for all the times I didn’t want to. I want whichever thing is harder to do to happen to me instead. I contemplate the life/death arrangement being as accessible as flipping a light switch. I grab some glue to papier-mâché the heavy thing I wear into the shape of wings. I can’t fly with them, but no one has to know. As I pose to be photographed as evidence of a miracle, everyone I love holds one of my wounds shut.

Jesse E-V

I am taking part a restorative justice process around abuse and am leading circle next week about my grief related to the abuse. Talk about the right poem at the right time!

Brittany Allen

This hit hard in just the right spot at just the right time. I've been seeing a resurgence of people coming out and speaking about their abuse and I am so happy they are able to do so and honored to be part of the spaces they feel safe enough to share. I'm also jealous (not sure if that's the right word) because it's not something I can do. My abuser was my cousin who is struggling with a decades long meth addiction. She's doing... Better the last few years, trying to get sober and relapsing just to put herself out there and try again. I'm stuck having to be vocal about supporting her and encouraging her. If I come out with my experiences I know our shared family would believe me and I know they would support me, but I can't do that to her. She's only a couple years older than me, meaning when she was abusing me as a child she was a child too. As an adult I am confident she was on the receiving end of plenty of shit herself. It doesn't excuse what she did. I'm allowed to be quietly angry and hurt by her actions. But I'm not going to be the final straw or the reason that people turn their back on her for good. I've been able to relieve some pressure by telling my husband and mother-in-law about three or four years ago. It helped to be heard by two of the people closest to me, but it's hard not being able to go to my mom or be more vocal about my own struggle. Idk, just wanted to vent a little about it I suppose before I leave the bathroom to make coffee and breakfast and go back to pretending to be fine. ❤️

DebbieG

This is truth. Said so clearly. 😥🫶

Joanna Lindblad

Some days we reveal ourselves, And say we're on the mend… Other days the truth will out And hope it’s not pretend. I hope you are healing and life is a little less “heavy” :) (((<3))) [Beautiful, heartbreak poem <3 thank you :) ]

Laura Payne

Beautiful. I love you, Ms. Palmer. ❤️❤️❤️

Laura Wellner

On the outside she’s calm, but she never stops screaming inside. Her soundless grief. Her quiet anger. Her hushed love. Her inaudible cries render the soul, a split figure. She’s holding her inner head with every silent shriek she let rip. Breathing fire, her raw words soaked in gasoline — and then smothered. Speechless. There’s no breaking glass, no blood, no clenched teeth, there are no tears shed. Silence is golden. There is so much fear attached to muted feelings, part and parcel of the beautiful terror. She’s screaming because she knows too much about being alive.

JessTCreate

I needed this today.. Today I officially stop selling my soul to the corporate world and quit my job to dive into gig life fully. I'm terrified and excited beyond measure, but it has hurt.

Larissa Rook
>>94020011

I love “can’t hold one more damn thing with out dropping wverything”. as a mom, i feel this deep in my bones.

amandapalmer
>>94021039

i feel this one deeply. sometimes the tax on truth is just too much to bear. you’re not alone, and i love you.

Angel Rosen

I love you, poet 🖤 What are we writing about next?

Megana

Love you 💜

Janet in Georgia

This made me completely break down this morning. I’m just tired. So many wounds that will never heal no matter how many band aids have been applied. I’m pretty sure the upcoming holidays are playing a part in my moods lately but I just really miss my mom and having that ONE person who always made me feel like I was doing something right. It’s been 22 YEARS since she died and I’ve not had that kind of unconditional support and having someone genuinely tell me I’m doing things right in life or that I’m making someone other than myself proud. Always second guessing everything. Overthinking. Anyways. I love you and am proud of YOU. you always make me feel the feels and now I’m all splotchy and sniffley from crying. ❤️

Rhiannon Crutchley
>>94031683

I feel like that too Janet. I lost my mum a couple of years ago, its that unconditional support you speak of, that I miss the most. Its the thing that makes me most want kids of my own... so I can feel that again, even if its me being the one that's giving it this time round. You said this post made you cry, I hope you felt a little lighter afterwards. much love xx

Janet in Georgia
>>94031683

I do feel a bit lighter thank you. I do have kids of my own, it’s a different kind of feeling. Still miss the mommy love :(

Pedro B. Gorman

Dear Amanda, What a poignant, beautiful poem! I have felt like this about so many things in my life. Because of two incidents of sexual trauma that happened to me, one when i was 12, and another when I was 17 (which until recent lay completely forgotten, deeply buried) I never got the closure I needed until the last couple of months. With a lot of internal work, a symbolic ritual where I wrote a letter to my 12 and 17 year old self, and a holistic treatment with the African psychedelic plant Iboga (similar to ayahuasca), I thankfully managed to exorcise the pain and darkness that ruined my adult life until recently. My heart goes out to all of you who are still craving the closure you never got, and I’m here to say I love you. I see you. I feel you. Closure may not always be possible, but healing, in whatever shape it presents itself to you, is possible. Love to all, Pedro

Parish

Short and sweet. I love it. Thank you, Amanda ❤️

Pedro B. Gorman
>>94031683

My father passed away in 2019 of cirrhosis. More than a father, he was really a true friend, and a beautiful, wise soul. Not a day has gone by where I don’t miss him, but he comes to me in my dreams, and there are times when I really still feel his warm, ethereal, guiding hand. Here is to all those who have become adult orphans. It does tend to leave a gaping hole. Janet, may I make a suggestion? I am not sure if you have heard of DMT or Ibogaine (they are psychedelics used in holistic healing therapy). I work for a holistic therapy center which caters to English speaking clients here in Portugal, where these psychedelics are legal. The company also has a few centers in Mexico, but the one we have in Portugal is by far the nicest retreat. I’m mentioning this because in the space of five days, I made more psychological breakthroughs than in 10 years of therapy, and feel truly healed from past traumas. Of course, psychedelic healing is not a magic bullet, but it does pave the road for great leaps. Let me know if you’d like to talk about it on social media: you may add me on either IG or FB as pedro.b.gorman (apparently, I’m the only Pedro B Gorman in the world, so I’m easy to find :) If you don’t do social media, shoot me an email on wordsmith.pedro@gmail.com (no obligation regarding the retreats, but I can offer up valuable advice, if you’d like.) Love, Compassion, & Emotional Muscle, Pedro.

Alaina Jones

Quite possibly my favorite poem you’ve ever created, so heartbreakingly true ❤️ thank you for your art

Mike Angus

Thank you for this. I needed it and I’m going to share with others who also need to feel what I feel. Love you.

Tal Edmunds

I really needed this today.

nniikkii jjaayy
>>94021039

💚 My heart goes out to you Brittany... gosh, what a tough place to be. I feel like this kind of experience isn't talked about enough, with the additional layers of complexity... the way you communicated this complexity was really profound. I hope we can continue growing the space for trauma/healing in a way that feels open to you (others with similar experiences), too. I wanted to share a resource that changed my life last year when I didn't feel I could speak out loud about my experiences... https://bloom.chayn.co They offer a variety of FREE trauma courses, online, accommodating various languages, private and I was so impressed in the ways they made it feel safe - very compassionate and trauma informed. They have been restructuring how some of the courses are run since then, but I believe they still offer one-on-one private chats - I was most hesitant to use this feature, but it eventually became the most important part for me. I was able to feel comfortable and safe, I struggle to speak verbally especially about the trauma so other forms of therapy didn't feel like a good fit but Bloom offered texting (completely on my terms, I could have attended silently too and still gotten a lot from it)...I was surprised at how much started to pour out, things I had never ever been able to tell anyone..to have these compassionate people listen, understand, offer insight in navigating my own complexities, and ensure me I had a right to feel as I do, it was truly life changing/saving. You deserve to be heard, understood, and have space for your pain, too, and I am glad you are finding support and ways. 💚

Brittany Allen
>>94021039

Thank you all for the love. It felt good to just put this out there somewhere public where no one who would impact the situation in a negative way would see it. I'll definitely check out Bloom. I've been wanting to do some sort of therapy/shadow work for a few years but was struggling with finding something flexible. ❤️

Lisa Ridlon

I’m loving all this poetry. ❤️

Mike Ross

Perfect for SO many reasons.

YourMagnet_adult_version

Thank you Amanda, you lift my spirit with your wonderful words! I hope you all are doing well!

Mark Gerard

Thank you so much Amanda.. your teaching me to love myself, and open my heart and love others. It's priceless.. love you 💕

Nicholas

Thank you! Love xxx

Rebecca Ryan

True Amanda 💜 one of my wounds is still open and slowly getting infected.. Having to tonight when I just want to go to bed, after getting the kids asleep, looking into my own legal rights, separation and the family home etc. etc what to do really. it’s overwhelming 😒 and just fucked. Today sucked especially. And keeping my kids spirits up best I can when I feel so weak myself. Tomorrow is another day. I love you. Take care all xx

VitAnyaNaked

<p style="color: #008600;">You know, these poetic lines are incredibly necessary to me now and I think not only to me, but to many people in the world! Thank you for your openness, sincerity and good nature</p>

Steven George

The most ancient oak will eventually curl it´s bark around the deepest wound. In increments too tiny to feel, to see, to grasp, until at last the wound is sealed, the pain is eased which you are surprised to no longer feel.