Critique request 1 (Patreon)

I finally found some time to seat and do some of the requests! Here's the first one. Thank you Mitsu Kerra for letting me use your art!
(Also I'm sorry if I mispelled something >_< I hope my explanations are clear)

I will upload another one in a few days ~

And remember guys the critique/redline requests are still open. Go to this link for more info: https://www.patreon.com/posts/13093410
Don't miss your chance as these will eventually be part of a higher tier.