Paladin - Jericho's Boys #1 - ch. 6 (Patreon)

You know the drill un'everything'd.

Ever

Ever woke to the sound of whimpering. He covered his mouth to not wake up Arsen with his crying. But it wasn’t him. Beside him, Arsen’s face was contorted, eyes closed, head moving restlessly on the pillow.

“"Net. Tol'ko ne eto."

“Ya ne stany.”

Ever knew all about nightmares. Used to have them all the time when he was little, before he gave up hope that life would get better. When waking hours were the nightmare, sleep for him felt like a reprieve, but what happened when life got better? Would Ever have nightmares again, horrible flashbacks to what he’d endured before Arsen saved him? Would sleep become the place you went to relive the worst of it?

What was Arsen reliving?

Ever thought about waking him. He didn’t want him to be sad. And he was sad. There were tears on his cheeks. Or maybe it was sweat. Ever put his hand to his chest. The rest of him didn’t feel hot, at least not any hotter than his skin usually was beneath Ever’s hands.

Usually.

They’d slept in the same bed twice. That wasn’t enough time for Ever to know Arsen’s ‘usual’ but still… Arsen had been only good to him so far. He didn’t want him to suffer. Arsen was lying on his side facing him, crying, whimpering, sometimes sounding like he was choking. Ever didn’t know what to do.

He scooted closer, wrapping himself around Arsen tightly, locking him in his embrace. Arsen was so much bigger than him that hugging him required Ever to press his face under Arsen’s chin. He couldn’t stop himself from inhaling his scent. There was just something so familiar and comforting to it.

Arsen’s cries ceased, but he continued to mutter words Ever couldn’t understand, some garbled, some in his native tongue. All Ever could do was hold him until he settled into sleep once more. Holding Arsen didn’t feel like a chore. Part of Ever thought maybe it was wrong. Not just because Jennika said boys couldn’t love other boys, but because Arsen touched him so carefully. Looked at him in a way that made Ever feel hot and shivery.

But Arsen always looked sorry for it, but Ever didn’t know why. And he was too embarrassed to ask. He should know these things. Normal people his age knew these things. He’d read books about people who grew up and got married and had kids. He knew how things between boys and girls were supposed to go, but Arsen wasn’t a girl and Ever was barely a person.

Ever listened to the blood pounding in his ears, the sound deafening. What was Arsen even thinking about? What could scare someone like him? Ever didn’t know much, but he knew Arsen had killed Jennika without a thought. He knew Jericho and Atticus knew it too.

There was talk about jobs with knowing looks and pointed stares. Ever wasn’t stupid. What they did in the daylight hid what it was they were doing at night…killing people. Ever should feel bad about that. Right? Killing was wrong. But Ever had met a lot of bad, wrong people since Jennika bought him and Arsen didn’t feel bad. None of them felt bad. Even if they did bad things.

But was it really bad? Killing Jennika had saved him.

Arsen had referred to her as a horrible person. And she was. The worst kind of person. So what was the real sin? Allowing an evil person to keep hurting innocents or wiping out the evil to protect others? To Ever, the answer was clear. But maybe that’s because he was a bad person too deep down?

Before he could think too much more about it, Arsen rolled, the solid weight of him trapping Ever beneath him, nuzzling his lips against his ear like he was nestling into his favorite pillow.

Ever tried to free himself. But Arsen was so much bigger than him. His arms had fallen over Evers holding them captive against his sides. It was only then, only once he realized he couldn’t move, couldn’t escape, couldn’t breath. That’s when the panic set in. His heart was beating so hard, his brain yanking him back into a memory he’d never wanted to think about again.

Their laughing. His crying. Hands holding his wrists so tightly it felt like his bones might actually shatter. The burning pain. The sour smell of his breath. The smell of cigarettes and sweat. He was going to puke.

All he had to do was cry out or scream or even just say Arsen’s name but the words stuck in his throat. Just like then. His head swam, his vision going fuzzy. Was this what it was like to faint?

Ever didn’t think, just raked his nails across Arsen’s side and lower back, the only place he could reach. Arsen reared back, a shout of pain on his lips. He sat on his knees between Ever’s legs, looking around in confusion, his hands going for his shredded skin.

Ever watched him come back to himself, saw him blink the cobwebs of his nightmares from his thoughts. That’s when it happened, when his look of confusion morphed into one of horror as he realized he’d been on top of Ever.

“I-Are you alright?” he asked, voice hoarse from sleep. “Did I…” His eyes went wide and he blinked in confusion. “Did I try to hurt you?”

Ever shook his head. He didn’t answer out loud. There was no way he could find his words until his heart rate slowed. And that wasn’t happening anytime soon. Arsen’s hands were on him, running from his shoulders to his fingertips, then over his chest and belly, not in any sexual way but like he was checking him for any injury he might have caused.

“I’m fine,” he finally said, his voice equally raw, but not from sleep. “You didn’t do anything. I-You rolled over on me and I panicked. It’s my fault.”

Arsen stared down at him. “How is that your fault, besenok?” Arsen asked, shaking his head. “It's all on me. I knew I shouldn’t let you sleep in here. I have nightmares. Violent ones. It's dangerous.”

The nightmares didn’t seem violent. He’d fallen on top of Ever but not to hurt him. “I have them too, sometimes,” Ever said. “It’s okay.”

Arsen’s hand touched his cheek. Ever’s lids fluttered closed, wanting to focus on the rough feel of his hand on his cheek even if only for a second. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Ever opened his eyes, gazing at Arsen’s earnest face. “I…usually like your arms around me. But when you fell on me, I couldn’t move. I just got scared.”

Arsen went to move his palm but Ever snatched his wrist holding it there before realizing what he’d done and letting go quickly. What was wrong with him?

“I’m sorry,” Arsen said again, firmer this time. “Do you want to go sleep in the computer room?”

Ever shook his head violently. That was the last thing he wanted. That room was too big, too empty, too quiet. Too much like the closet. It made his skin crawl to be in there alone. “I wanna stay here with you.”

Arsen studied his face in the shadows for a long moment, then sort of collapsed beside him back on his side of the bed. “Yeah, okay.”

They laid there in silence for a long time before Ever finally said, “What are your nightmares about?”

Arsen turned his head to look at him. For a second, Ever thought he wasn’t going to answer, but then he said, “My mother.”

Had Arsen’s mother been a monster too? “Was she bad like Jennika?”

Arsen gave a grim smile. “No. She was very good person. Very scary when she was angry, but she was never angry with me.”

The use of past tense didn’t escape Ever, leaving him with a hollow feeling low in his stomach. “What happened to her?”

“She died.”

Ever wasn’t sure he should be asking his next question but he did anyway.“How?”

Arsen caught Ever’s gaze, his expression grim. “My father shot her. In front of me.”

Ever sucked in a sharp breath. “Why?” It was a weird question. Why? Did people need a why to be evil? Not in Ever’s experience. “Sorry,” he said quickly, face in flames.

“Don’t be sorry,” Arsen said, giving him that gentle smile he seemed to only have for him. Ever didn’t know what to think of it. “He’s a violent man. He liked hurting people. Still does.”

Ever wanted to do something, to say something to make him feel better but he didn’t know what. He didn’t know how to make someone feel better about a dead parent or a bad one. So he just took Arsen’s hand and held it.

Arsen looked down at their threaded fingers, then at Ever. “It’s not a nice story. But I’ll tell you if you want to know.”

Ever chewed on his bottom lip, before remembering Arsen didn’t like it. “I want to know.”

Arsen nodded, then flopped his head back on the pillow staring up at the ceiling. “He used to beat me and my mom all the time. I never fought back, but she did. I think she did it to keep him away from me. To take the focus off of me and put it on her so my punishments were less severe. They fought more than they didn’t, always about something different, but really all the same. Then one day there was a fight that didn’t end like the others. She ended up dead and he ended up in prison.”

Ever thought about all the times Jennika had beat him, had brought him to the brink where he’d hoped she would finally just kill him. But she had been too cruel for that. She had relished in his suffering. But there was always the chance she would go too far.

But she was dead.

“What made that fight different?” Ever asked.

Arsen looked at him thoughtfully. “Nothing. It started like most of their fights, over nothing important. Over my report card.”

Ever had heard the term, seen it in books, but was not entirely certain what that was. “What’s a report card?”

Arsen gave him a sad look that made his stomach dip. “It’s what they send to parents to tell them how their kids are doing in school.”

“Did you get a bad grade?”

Arsen’s laugh was bitter. “No. All A’s. He didn’t like that. He said I was trying to embarrass him. Make him look stupid. He said my mother and I were laughing at him for his lack of education.”

Ever knew what that was like. The trepidation. The walking on eggshells. It was like sharing space with a hungry tiger. You never knew where or when they would strike, but eventually the urge to hunt would overwhelm them and you were always prey. It was that gnawing anxiety that was the worst. Almost more than the punishment itself.

“How old were you?” he asked.

Arsen sighed. “Eleven.”

Ever squeezed the hand he held. “Was your mom defending you?”

Arsen nodded. “Always. But he killed my mother to prove a point,” Arsen said, voice dull. “Or maybe it was an accident.”

“An accident?”

Arsen let out another big breath.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Ever said.

Arsen shook his head. “Maybe it was a lesson that went too far. His gun was on the table where it always was. He took it and made me stand up, put it in my hand, tried to make me put my finger on the trigger and point it at her.”

Ever’s eyes widened. He couldn’t imagine pointing a gun at someone he loved. Not that he’d ever had someone to love, but he understood the notion of love.

“He told me to kill her or he’d kill me. But I couldn’t do it. I just…fought him, fought back, got out of his grip. That’s what pissed him off. That I’d gotten away. My mother ran at him…and he shot her. And she was just…gone.”

“Gone…” Ever said.

Arsen nodded, still staring straight ahead. “During the day I’m fine, but at night, my brain won’t let me forget. That’s why people don’t sleep in my bed.”

“You let me sleep in your bed,” Ever said, frowning.

“I do. Yeah,” Arsen said, giving him a small smile.

Ever didn’t know what to do with that information, so he ignored it, inching closer to Arsen then wrapping his arms around Arsen’s much larger one, pressing his cheek to his shoulder. “I’m sorry about your mom.”

Arsen looked down at him. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

Ever thought about it. Really thought about it. “It was because my arms were trapped. I don’t think I’d mind if I could just move my arms. It just made me think of something bad. I didn’t mind you on top of…me,” he finished in a whisper, his face hot.

“Something bad?” Arsen asked, pointedly ignoring Ever’s confession.

Ever nodded. “The last time Jennika sold me.”

Arsen was quiet for a long moment, and when he spoke again his voice was much…harder. “The last time? She’d done it before?”

Ever nodded, trying to use the same distant tone Arsen had used. Maybe it was easier to say the hard stuff that way. “Not a lot. Only when she needed something from someone who had certain interests in people who look like me.”

“Look like you?” Arsen asked.

Ever couldn’t look at Arsen when he said, “She would tell them I was a little kid.”

“Jesus,” Arsen muttered.

Ever flushed. Was he mad at him? Should he have just kept this to himself? “It wasn’t a lie the first few times, technically. I was a kid, just not as small as they hoped.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Ever shrugged. “She never let them do what they really wanted to do. She said that was a sin. That sex between two boys was wrong. So she only let them use my hand…or my mouth. Most of them just wanted pictures.” Ever shivered. “Until the last time. She said he’d paid for the privilege and that it would only be one time.”

There was a low rumble from Arsen that sent goosebumps rippling along Ever’s skin. “I’m sorry,” he said instinctively.

Arsen frowned at him. “Why are you sorry?”

Ever didn’t know why he was sorry, just that he was supposed to be. Why was everything so confusing? “I wasn’t trying to upset you.”

Arsen flopped onto his side until they were almost nose to nose. “You didn’t upset me, besenok. She upset me. She had no right to do that to you. No wonder you got scared tonight. I’m sorry.”

It felt wrong for Arsen to apologize. He’d rescued Ever, saved him from a life in that tiny closet. There was nothing that would ever repay that. Even if he didn’t know what to do now that he was out of it. “Do you think I’m screwed up?”

“Screwed up?” Arsen echoed.

Ever nodded. “Jericho said I have trauma. Like its a disease. But Levi said you all have trauma too. Does that make all of us screwed up?”

Arsen sighed. “I don’t know. Most days I feel like other people. But what happened to me happened a long time ago. Same with Levi and the others. The stuff that happened to you was two days ago. You’re bound to be feeling it more than we do.”

Ever’s voice dropped to a whisper. “I don’t though.”

“You don’t what?”

Ever’s gaze flicked to his then away again. “Feel it. I feel scared. Anxious. Everything feels really big and loud. I am scared deep down you’re a bad person too. Or that I’m not going to be what you need and you’ll send me away. I’m scared that I don’t know anything or anyone. I’m scared that I don’t know how to do normal things. But when I think about the things that happened, that she did to me, what he did to me. I feel…nothing.”

It was true. Jennika had done horrible, disgusting things to him. She’d beaten him, berated him, used him, sold him, had abused him in ways he’d never utter out loud to anybody because they were humiliating. But there was no…feeling there. It was like he had stepped out of his body and just watched from a distance.

“Does that make me more normal or less?” Ever asked.

“I don’t know,” Arsen said. “But normal is overrated.”

Normal sounded nice to Ever. Even though the only normal he’d ever known was in fairy tales and the books Jennika let him get from the collection box at the church sometimes. Did people like them get normal? Jericho and Atticus seemed normal.

“Are Jericho and Atticus boyfriends?” Ever blurted.

“They’re married.”

“Boys can do that?” Ever said.

Arsen nodded. “Sure. Anybody can marry anybody.”

“Do they have trauma?”

Arsen gave a soft laugh. “I think everybody has trauma to some degree. Bad things happen to everybody, but the degree of suffering is relative to the life experiences of the person it happens to. A dog that has never been beaten might think having its paw stepped on is traumatic. A dog that only gets beaten might think getting hit by a car is no different than any of its other suffering and continue to run not knowing how injured it is.”

Ever thought about it. He knew which dog he was in that scenario. “How do people do it?”

“Do what?”

“How do they go through life pretending the bad stuff never happened?”

“Some forget with time, some stuff it down with drinking or drugs or sex or food. Some develop weird kinks and coping mechanisms. There’s no one way to deal with trauma.”

“Kinks? What’s a kink?”

Arsen thought about it for a long minute. “People whose sexual preferences are considered outside of societal norms.”

Ever chewed on that. “Like what?”

“That seems like a conversation for another time.”

Ever frowned. “Why?”

“Because you were held hostage for most of your life by a person who hurt you and forced you to do things against your will.”

“I can’t talk about kinks because I have trauma?” Ever asked.

Arsen shook his head. “Not exactly.”

“You said people with trauma sometimes turn to kinks, so why can’t I know about it?”

“I also said they turn to food, do you want to ask me about that instead? Between kink and food, ice cream seems like the lesser of two evils.”

“So what do you use to cope?” Ever asked. “Not kinks, I guess.”

“I don’t know, honestly. I guess I’m one of the ones who stuffs it down.”

“Do you not like sex?”

“What? No. I love sex?”

“But not kinky sex?”

“Ever!”

Ever’s eyes went wide and he recoiled, heart slamming against his ribs. “Nevermind,” he mumbled, then flopped over facing the wall, tears welling in his eyes.

Then Arsen was behind him, plastered against his back, arm around his waist. “Don’t be like that. Don’t pout. I…just didn’t think sex would be something you’d want to talk about.”

“Why?”

“Because you said she sold you to people for sexual purposes.”

Ever bit down on the inside of his cheek, his face so hot it felt like flames were licking the side of his face. He didn’t understand. He didn’t know much about sex. He read about it in books, mostly in perfunctory terms because Jennika was very strict about what he could read. But what they’d done to him and what sex sounded like in novels didn’t really seem like the same thing.

“And because of that I shouldn’t want to know about sex?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Do people like me just not have sex? Normal sex? I don’t even know what that means.”

Ever could feel Arsen’s breath ruffling his hair. “You’ve been in a horrible situation for years. I just think its better to concentrate on other things…for now.”

Like what?” he asked dully.

“Like just being out in the world.”

Ever let tears slide down his cheeks, doing his best to not let Arsen see he was upset. “Okay.”

He hadn’t been asking Arsen for sex. He’d just wanted to know. Was that wrong? Should he not want to know? If people with trauma sometimes used sex and kinks to cope, why was he in trouble for asking about it? Arsen had made it clear he didn’t want that with Ever. But he hadn’t said he couldn’t ask questions.

He hated feeling like he was wrong all the time. He hated feeling like an alien who’d crash landed on another planet where he didn’t know the rules or the laws or the language. Where he didn’t know what he was allowed to ask or want or care about. He’d only been asking.

He sniffled softly, wiping at his face as discreetly as possible.

The weight of Arsen’s arm across his hip had made him feel safe yesterday. Now it just made him feel stupid. Almost like he sensed Ever’s distress, he shifted. Ever could swear he felt Arsen’s lips against the top of his head for a fleeting moment. But then it was gone.

Then he was gone, rolling away from Ever. “Get some sleep, besenok.”

Yeah, right.