Paladin - Jericho's Boys #1 - ch. 9 (Patreon)

This book is gonna be long, y'all. You know the drill. 

Arsen

It took approximately thirty seconds for Arsen’s actions to go from his lips to his brain, but by then his mouth was already on Ever’s. It wasn’t Arsen’s fault. Right? How was he supposed to resist when Ever was literally eating out of the palm of his hand, then looking up at him with those wide innocent eyes? Arsen was only human.

A human with no self control.

As soon as he pulled back, he watched, transfixed as Ever’s tongue swept across his bottom lip like he was trying to taste whatever trace of himself Arsen had left behind. He wanted more. Did Ever? He dipped his head, hoping one of them had the sense to stop it from happening again.

The tip notification blared through the speakers. Ever sucked in a startled breath, then shot to his feet, mumbling something as he hurried off, leaving Arsen staring at the space Ever had occupied just seconds before. The notifications started to chime again and again, but Arsen couldn’t think, definitely had no interest in the people watching or the game paused on the home screen.

Someone cleared his throat in Arsen’s headset.

“Um…you realize we’re all still here, right? You’re on camera, dude,” Seven said, sounding both amused and shocked.

Nico cackled. “That was…awesome.”

“That was hot,” Felix said. “Like, the polar opposite of what I told you to do, but hot nonetheless.”

Arsen glanced at the screen where comments from viewers were coming in fast and furious.

I told you that was his boyfriend

Gay!

Is this what this channel is now because ew

Is this what this channel is now because HOT!

I need more Ever content. He’s so cute.

You guys are so hot together. Give us more of that!

I can’t believe they’re all gay. What? How is that even possible?

Will he be on tomorrow night?

Yes, bring back Ever

Ever’s so cute. We stan. Like a little woodland creature

Ever!!!

Ever!!!

Ever’s so cute.

My sweet baby angel.

I just want to squish him.

Protect Ever at all costs.

Can we get a better kiss? That was pretty G rated.

I’d pay to see you two with an OF

“I’m signing off,” Arsen said, distracted.

He ended the session, tearing off his headset and jumping to his feet, before stopping short. What was he going to do? What was the plan? Was he going to go confront Ever? Apologize? Say it wouldn’t happen again? Did Ever think Arsen expected something in return now for the day they’d spent together, even though none of it had been his money?

He scraped his fingers through his hair with a snarl, then dropped onto the spare bed. What the fuck had he just done? He dug his palms into his eye sockets like if he just rubbed hard enough he might get some fucking clarity. But there was none, there was just Ever, wide eyed, lips parted, tongue peaking out beneath his adorable bunny teeth.

Fuck! It was taking every ounce of willpower Arsen had not to go crawl into bed with Ever and apologize. Or kiss him again. Or both. Or maybe more. Arsen definitely wanted more. He wanted Ever naked beneath him, staring up at him with that same shocky, innocent look. Did that make Arsen a bad person? Did wanting to bury himself inside Ever make him a bad person?

When their lips met, Ever had made just the faintest—barely audible—whimper and it had made Arsen so hard so fast he’d grown dizzy. Was still very much hard. And there was clearly very little blood flow left for his brain.

Arsen was sure nobody had heard the sound but him, which was good because Arsen didn’t want anybody getting that part of Ever but him. Just him.

No.

What?

This wasn’t right. It wasn’t normal or rational. A week ago, Arsen hadn’t even known Ever existed and now he wasn’t sure he could exist without Ever. That was fucked up. It was all kinds of toxic. But Arsen wanted it anyway. He wanted Ever anyway. Wanted Ever to want him back in the same fucked up, toxic, cant-live-without-you way Arsen felt about him.

Or maybe he was just horny? Maybe he just needed to go jerk off in the shower and get himself together before he did something to Ever he couldn’t take back. Not that he would ever force himself on him, but Ever was delicate, fragile…he was so new to all of this. Even forcing that kiss on him could upset the delicate trust Arsen had just barely created.

His phone dinged and he stood, snagging it from the charger on the desk, stomach churning as he turned it over to see a text from the group chat.

Arlo: What was that?

Dimitri: Who was that?

Noah: Who was who? I’m lost. I’m out of town.What’d I miss?

Felix: Arsen just kissed his pocket-sized, closet-candy in front of the whole world.

Noah: The rescue?

Cree: He’s not a puppy

Zane: Too bad, Noah would just adopt him and he could live in luxury like his other dogs.

Seven: Is Ever okay?

Levi: You all really have such a hard-on for this kid. Like just because he looks like a bush baby doesn’t mean you have to dote on him like one.

Arsen: What is bush baby?

Arsen blinked as a picture of a bug-eyed but adorable fuzzy creature popped up on his screen. It kind of looked like it was smiling. Ever was probably not smiling. He was probably crying or scared or confused. And Arsen was in there watching his stupid friends mock him from the comfort of their own homes.

Nico: Sorry I was in the shower. What’d I miss? Has A already gotten sweet little Ever into bed? Jericho is gonna be pissed, bro

Arsen: Arsen didn’t do anything. I wouldn’t do that.

Arlo: But it looked like you could if you wanted.

Dimitri: Do you? Want it?

Arsen flopped back onto the bed staring at the text. Of course he fucking wanted it. Who was he kidding? Clearly not his friends.

Arsen: It doesn’t matter what I want.

Felix: Don’t be such a martyr.

Noah: What’s happening?

Felix: Arsen here thinks sweet little Ever is off the menu because of his tragic backstory. Apparently you can’t want sex if you’ve been traumatized.

Noah: Tell me you didn’t say that.

Arsen rolled his eyes before typing: That’s NOT what I said.

Zane: You sort of did though.

Arsen: You weren’t even there.

Cree: You guys all seem so sure Arsen is trying to fuck this kid. Didn’t he, like, just rescue him from life in a literal closet? It's been like three days. Not fucking him seems like any easy ask. You guys are perverts.

Lake: Wait who is not fucking who? I’m too lazy to scroll back up. What did I miss? Wait. Is this about Arsen kissing Ever in front of all of Beyonce’s internet?

Levi: Why is everybody acting like this kid is so innocent. He might look like a Walt Disney creation but he is a feral little demon. I still have the mark where he bit me.

Dimitri: Let it go, Elsa.

Levi: Said the psychopath. Didn’t you murder Arlo’s ex?

Dimitri: Technically Arlo did that.

Arlo: He just helped me hide the body.

Noah: I know this is an encrypted app but dude ixnay the urdermey chat.

Arsen sighed. Their chats were always like this. It started as one thing and then morphed into something wildly off topic. They were all killers. There wasn’t a single one of them who hadn’t killed someone. Even sweet little Arlo. Up until Ever, Arlo had been the shyest, most quiet person Arsen had ever met. But he’d still beaten his ex to death with a brick.

Felix: Ever just doesn’t like you, Levi. That’s not a character flaw. It’s good instincts.

Arlo: Also don’t let Ever’s past be the reason you do or don’t do something. That’s not fair to him. I speak from experience.

Noah: Arlo’s right. It’s not Ever’s fault he was put into that situation. He’s still a person.

Arsen stared at his screen. How was he the bad guy here?

Lake: You guys act like this shit went down years ago. Homie was living in a closet last week. Like shouldn’t getting laid not be the top priority? Why are you all so horny all the time?

Noah: We’re not telling Arsen to fuck Ever. We’re telling him to stop treating Ever like he’s too damaged to know his own mind and body. You can have a fucked up relationship with abuse and still want to have sex

Arlo: Nobody’s saying that

Arsen: I never said any of that

Zane: Can I just be the voice of reason here for two seconds and suggest we get Ever a therapist?

Felix: You think my brother isn’t already working on finding one that will keep his mouth shut?

Noah: Also not to be unkind but if he was assaulted like Arsen thinks, he needs more than just a therapist. He’s gonna need a doctor’s appointment, blood tests…he could have picked something up from one of these creeps. He might need medicine.

Noah’s gentle reminder felt like a baseball bat to the back of his head. Arsen didn’t know exactly what had been done to Ever, but it was clear he’d had some level of assault forced on him. He did need all of the things Noah suggested, but Arsen worried taking him somewhere to be poked and prodded would just re-traumatize him.

Not that Ever seemed all that traumatized in the first place. Was Arsen trying to force Ever into the role of victim like Felix said? Arsen’s stomach churned at the thought. He just didn’t want to hurt him, it seemed impossible that someone who had suffered the abuse Ever had, could just be…fine. But…who was Arsen to say he wasn’t? This was all too much.

Arsen: I’m going to bed

He powered off his phone so he wouldn’t be tempted to dive back into the conversation to defend himself. None of it helped. Well, a therapist for Ever would probably help. And doctor. Hopefully. But neither of those things helped Arsen feel less like a predator. He stared at the door across the hall. Was Ever in there waiting for him? Was he dreading his arrival? Was he even still awake?

Arsen closed his eyes. He would just give Ever some space. They could figure it out in the morning.

###

“You can’t be weak. The world breaks weak men.”

Arsen blinks back tears. His muscles ache and burn. How long have they been standing there like this? It feels like hours. He’s somehow both hot and cold, his organs shaking within him, his teeth clacking together like its the dead of winter, even as salt stings his eyes and beads of perspiration roll down his skin.

The room itself feels too small, like he can’t breathe, but that’s because his father’s large body is wrapped around him, looming over him, his paw-like hands covering Arsen’s, squeezing until the metal of the gun digs into his skin. Even with his father’s hands on his, the gun is slippery in Arsen’s damp palms. He just wants to drop it and run, but there is no escaping. His father’s a big man and he always gets what he wants.

Is Arsen crying? He can’t even tell. He doesn’t know. His whole body is malfunctioning at once.

Logically, Arsen knew he was dreaming, a part of him recognized that there were differences between this dream interpretation of his mother’s death and what really happened that day but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t feel any different.

The dreams weren’t always like this. So vivid. Sometimes they were hazy, like his brain was wrapped in cotton. Other times, they were sharp enough for Arsen to smell his mother’s blood as she bled out on the kitchen floor.

Sometimes, like tonight, he was right back in it. His father’s hands on his, trying to force him to pull the trigger. Other times he was standing to the side, an observer watching as his father berates them, intimidates them, beats them with his fists,until it finally culminates in this one…last…stand.

Just like most dreams there’s no linear timeline. It doesn’t run from start to finish like a movie. It jumps around. Things change. Minute details. No nightmare is ever quite the same.

It had been a good night. He’d thought his father would be pleased. But, as usual, he was wrong. His report card started it, but it could have been anything. It’s always just an excuse.

He’s no longer holding the gun. There is no gun. He’s back at the beginning of his memory. His dream. His nightmare. Whatever it was.

His father’s furious. “You think you’re better than me?” he asks in Russian. “You think you’ll get a big fancy job and a fancy car and leave this place?”

Goosebumps erupt all over, not just at his father’s tone, but at the sound of his father speaking Russian, breaking his own rule. Only English is spoken in the house. He’d said it was to help Arsen and his mother better acclimate, but it was really just another form of humiliation. A way to mock them for not speaking English as clearly as he did.

Arsen blinks in confusion. “What?”

His father sneers at him. “Oh now you don’t speak your native tongue?”

There is no right answer. Arsen knows it. His mother knows it too. His father lives for these games, for these traps. Arsen was too American, not American enough. Too Russian. Not Russian enough. He spoke too much or too little. He didn’t try hard enough or he tried so hard he must be mocking his father’s lack of education.

Arsen wasn’t going to win this. That’s when his mother stepped in. “Ilya,” she said sweetly, stroking his face. “Why don’t we skip dinner and go out? We can go to the club and-”

That’s as far as she gets before his father backhands her, driving her to the floor. His father was so big and she was so small. Or maybe she just seemed so in comparison to his father. She never acted small. She was so tough. That’s where she stays, on the floor, her skirt hiked up high on her thighs, her face swelling rapidly.

How it had devolved so far so fast.

It was just a normal fight.

Until it wasn’t.

He’s back in his father’s arms. He’s trying to force his finger over the trigger. But it’s impossible. Arsen’s hands just aren’t big enough. He’s only eleven. And it was a big gun. Heavy. His mother often rolled her eyes behind his back as he waved it around, when he wasn’t there she would tell her friend Anya next door that he was overcompensating. That it made him feel like a big man when he flashed it at people. They would laugh.

His dad always needed to feel like a man. It was in the way he talked, carried himself, interacted with his friends, these wannabe mobsters with their weak ties to powerful families. Lackeys, his mother would call them.

These lackeys constantly joked about Arsen being too small, too thin, too frail… too feminine. Arsen didn’t think there was much feminine about him, not compared to other boys in his school—like Felix. Felix loved lace and flowers and skirts. That’s why Arsen never invited him over.

That’s the real reason Arsen’s father hates him. Because he’s gay. Arsen still didn’t know what it was that had given him away? How his father had known his orientation long before even Arsen himself. But it doesn’t matter now.

“Pull the trigger,” his father growled in his ear.

“No,” Arsen whispered, shaking his head.

“You’re a man. Men have to do hard things.”

Arsen isn’t a man. He isn’t. He isn’t even a teenager. He didn’t want to do hard things. His whole life is hard. This isn’t fair. Other kids got to play outside and go to school and live normal lives.

Arsen’s mom sat up a little straighter, righting her skirt and turning her frigid stare from his father to him. She gives him a warm smile, tears rolling down her cheeks. “It’s alright, zaichik.” She turned to look at his father. “I’m not afraid to die.”

Arsen’s father sneered. “Bitch.”

“Arsen!”

Arsen bolted upright, fighting the sudden weight on top of him, his hands wrapping around thin arms as he tried to shake off his dream. Ever. It’s Ever on top of him. Ever holding him down. No. That wasn’t right.

Arsen scanned the room, disoriented. Why was he in the computer room? Why was Ever there? What time was it? Was he still dreaming? Ever gazed down at him, eyes wide.

Arsen blinked, eyes stinging. When he realized he was still gripping Ever’s arms, he released him abruptly, causing him to fall forward.

Arsen caught him, righting him, flushing before muttering, “Sorry.”

Ever frowned. “You were having another nightmare.”

Right. That.

Arsen sucked in heavy breaths, trying to get his heart rate back to normal, but it seemed useless, though he was awake, the nightmare still had its hooks in him. He tried to distract himself, “Did you hear me all the way in the other room?”

Ever hesitated, then shook his head. “When I woke up, you weren’t in bed so I came to look for you. You were…crying.”

Arsen’s hands went to his face, realizing Ever was right. He wasn’t just covered with sweat but with tears. “Oh.” He looked up at Ever’s face, painted with neon pink and blue from the LED lights surrounding them. “I’m sorry if I scared you.”

Ever frowned, then shook his head. “You didn’t.”

Arsen fell back onto the pillows, Ever still sitting on his hips. He didn’t make any attempt to move and Arsen truly didn’t want to move him. He just stared up at him, letting his presence sooth the jagged edges of his memories.

Arsen’s crew had so many names for Ever. Angel. Dumpling. Bush baby. Gremlin. But none of those things described him with any accuracy. “You can lay down,” he offered.

Ever shrugged. “Okay.”

He didn’t move to the side as Arsen expected, but instead blanketed himself over Arsen’s body, his head on his chest, his arms sort of starfished to the sides. Ever was so literal.

After a minute, he said, “Your heart's beating really fast. Mine does too after nightmares.”

Arsen smiled. It wasn’t the nightmare. It was having Ever’s body on his. But he wouldn’t tell him that. He didn’t want to spook him. He brought his arms up around him, locking his fingers in the center of Ever’s back, just wanting to hold him. “Is this okay?”

Ever hummed, the sound vibrating from his chest straight into Arsen’s, then he wiggled a bit like he was settling in. “Uh-huh.”

He sounded sleepy. Arsen was tired too, but the dream was still too fresh in his head to attempt to sleep again. It would suck him right back down into it.

Still, he closed his eyes, enjoying the heat and the weight of Ever pressing into him. But he needed to address what had happened earlier. What had sent Ever running from the room. “I’m sorry…about earlier.”

“Earlier?” Ever echoed.

Arsen nodded even though Ever wasn’t looking at him. “The kiss…”

Ever lifted his head, folding his palms under his chin as he looked up at Arsen.

“You are? Why?”

That brought Arsen up short. What did he mean, why? Because I don’t want to be another person who victimizes you and takes away your choices. “Because…I should have asked for permission.”

“Oh. Is that a thing?” Ever asked.

Arsen blinked at Ever. “It’s supposed to be, yeah.”

“Oh,” Ever said again thoughtfully. “They never ask in my books. It’s always guys taking what they want. They never say they’re sorry.”

That was disconcerting. “There’s a difference between fiction and reality, besenok. Your body is your own.”

Silence stretched between them like a line pulled tighter and tighter, the tension only snapping when Ever whispered, “You can have it.”

Arsen’s breath punched from his lungs in a gasp as he willed himself to calm down.

Ever didn’t just say that. He couldn’t have. There was no way he’d just casually offered up his body to Arsen.“What?”

Ever tipped his head, doe eyes looking at him curiously. “My permission. To kiss me. Whenever you want. You have it.”

There was no universe in which Arsen would ever be worthy of someone like Ever. He was truly the sweetest boy in the world. “I-”

Ever shook his head, eyes closing, his voice filled with disappointment. “I’m probably not that good at it. But I could learn.”

Christ. There was nothing Arsen wanted more than to teach Ever anything he wanted to learn about kissing or sex or anything else. But this wasn’t the time or place. Cree was right. They were all perverts.

Maybe Arsen was misunderstanding. “What do you mean?”

Ever dropped his cheek to the hands resting on Arsen’s chest, hiding his face. “That was my first.”

“First?” Arsen echoed.

“First kiss.”

“Ever?” Arsen blurted.

Ever’s head popped up, looking at him in confusion, like he wasn’t sure if he was calling his name or asking for clarification. “Yes?”

Arsen wanted to kick himself. Of course it had been Ever’s first kiss. Who would Ever have been kissing? Nobody good. Nobody who would be gentle or take care of him or make sure he was safe. That flicker of rage sparked in Arsen’s chest. He hoped that woman was burning in hell.

“I didn’t know,” he said for lack of anything else to say.

“Was I supposed to tell you?” Ever asked. “I didn’t know you were going to kiss me. Or I was going to kiss you. I’m not sure who kissed who,” he admitted, seemingly distracted by his own train of thought. “But…I’ve done other things. Not things I wanted to do. At least not with the people who did them.”

Arsen found himself squeezing Ever tighter. “None of that counts,” he promised.

Ever frowned at him. “It doesn’t?”

Was it dismissive to say his experiences didn’t count, like they didn’t matter. That wasn’t really what he was saying. But how did he say the things other people had done to him were valid but weren’t the same thing as sex between two willing people.

Arsen tried to remember how Jericho had explained it to them all those years ago, when they’d gotten the first of many sex talks.

“Sex without consent isn’t sex, it's assault. Jericho’s been drilling that into our heads since we were old enough to even truly care about sex.” Arsen listed off Jericho’s rules on his fingers. “Always wear a condom. Always get tested. Always get consent.”

Ever nodded like he was committing this information to memory. For some reason it bothered Arsen. Ever didn’t need to worry about sex with other people. Arsen couldn’t stomach the thought. He mentally shook himself. This wasn’t the time.

He focused on recalling the rest of Jericho’s talk. “If they say no, it's assault. If they’re drunk, it's assault. If they’re unconscious, it's assault. Sex is about pleasure between two people. Assault is about power over another person.”

Ever seemed to chew on that for a while, once more resting his head on Arsen’s chest. “Then I’ve really never done any kind of sex.”

Arsen found himself kissing the top of Ever’s hair, something unknotting in his chest. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“But I want to,” Ever said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Arsen’s heart clenched. “There’s plenty of time for that.”

Ever waited a beat before asking, “With you?”

Arsen’s brain turned to mush, all rational thought grinding to a halt. He opened and closed his mouth several times as he tried to think of any other reply than yes, please. Finally, he said, “I-”

Ever cut him off. “Nevermind. Good night,” he continued in a rush, wiggling free of Arsen’s arms and rolling to face the wall like he always did. At least he wasn’t crying this time. And he didn’t run away. Probably because he didn’t like being alone. But Arsen would take it. He’d take anything that meant Ever was beside him, toxic or not.

He rolled onto his side, then after hesitating for only a moment, he folded himself around Ever, putting his arm around him and pulling him close. He breathed easier when Ever burrowed deeper against him, even if it meant his cute little ass rubbing against Arsen’s crotch.

Fuck.

He pressed his face against Ever’s neck, inhaling deeply, recognizing the scent as one of the soaps he’d bought just hours ago. “Good night, Ever.”

“Good night.”