Rogue - Jericho's Boys #2 - ch. 13 (Patreon)

Unbeta'd/Unedited LeviA piercing ringing sound permeated through Levi’s fog of sleep. Dream Levi slapped at the alarm clock that appeared in his dream to no avail. The ringing continued. He blinked himself awake when Shiloh made a distressed sound, burrowing his face into Levi’s neck. He gently displaced him, reaching for where his phone normally lay, but it wasn’t there.He groaned, crushing Shiloh to reach over him and dangle off the bed, slapping blindly at his jeans, only for the ringing to stop as his hand closed around it. He huffed out an irritated sigh, flopping onto his back. He blinked rapidly until the numbers on the bright screen stopped searing his retina and came into focus. It was four in the morning. He didn’t recognize the number.Shiloh whined, rubbing his face against Levi's skin, before snoring once more. Levi laughed softly. He needed to put his phone on the charger, but he didn’t want to disturb Shiloh again. Just as he set the phone down on the mattress, the ringing began again.Again?Levi swiped to answer.  “Hello?” he mumbled, voice raspy from sleep.“Mr. Akira?”Levi’s jaw tightened. Only one place called him that. “It’s four in the morning.”“My name is Nathan Karn. I’m one of the psychiatric nurses here at St. Agnes. I’m sorry to disturb you at this time, sir. But you’re listed as Naomi’s emergency contact.”“I asked to be removed as emergency contact,” Levi said, voice cold.“Even so, as her next of kin I’m required to keep you informed.”“Next of kin? Is she dead?“Before the man on the other line could answer, Shiloh propped himself up just enough to look at Levi, face adorably sleepy. “Who ‘sit,” he slurred.“Nobody, baby,” Levi promised, cupping his face for a moment. “Go back to sleep.”Shiloh made another noise of complaint, then buried his face in Levi’s armpit with a dreamy sigh. Levi would have laughed, if he wasn’t so irritated.“She’s not dead, Mr. Akira. She’s missing.”Levi could feel that muscle in his jaw starting to tic. “What?”“Just as I said. Your mother left the hospital against court orders. We can’t find her.”Levi didn’t know what they wanted him to do about it. “Well, good luck with that.”There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “Aren’t you even a little concerned? Your mother is very ill.”Levi snorted. “If you’re so invested, you go find her. I’ll give you a hint though. Check all the bars in a half mile radius of the hospital. She’s probably turning tricks in an alley for cheap beer.”There was another long pause. Should he just hang up? Why was he even entertaining this guy? He didn’t know Naomi. He certainly didn’t know Levi. Why was he just sitting there, waiting for this stranger to chastise him?Finally, the man—Nathan?—said, “Has anyone ever talked to you about the possibility that your mother might be schizophrenic?”Levi stopped short, his heartbeat kicking behind his ribs. “What?”Nathan cleared his throat. “As Naomi sobered, the staff noticed some worrisome symptoms…”“Like what?” Levi said, hoping his tone conveyed how little he fucking cared.“Seeing things that aren’t there, hearing voices, paranoia that the staff is trying to poison her. She’s been severely agitated. We’ve had to sedate her several times.”Levi shook his head even though nobody could see him. “My mother’s always been that way. She’s an alcoholic. She talks to people who aren’t there all the time. Rants and raves at the walls, accuses me of trying to kill her at least once a month.”“We think the drinking may have been her way of self-medicating,” Nathan said. “It’s common for people without access to medical care to turn to recreational drugs or alcohol to try to cope.”Rage suddenly swelled within him, filling him until there was no room to breathe. Would he never be rid of her? “So what?”There was another long pause. “I’m-I’m sorry?”“Who cares if she’s schizophrenic? Am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Does it undo all the years of abuse? The beatings? Selling me to strangers for rent or beer? Does it change all the times she locked me out of the house for some imaginary slight? Mental illness isn’t a get out of jail free card, Nate.”When he spoke again, there was a softness to his tone that only further irritated Levi, like he was trying to relate to him somehow. “But there’s treatment options…”“Was she sober when she took off?” Levi asked, cutting him off.“Yes,” he said, hesitantly, like he thought it might be a trap.“Had you explained all this to her? The possible diagnosis? The treatment options?”“It's not that easy, Mr. Akira. We explained it to the best of our abilities. But she is in the advanced stages of a severe vitamin deficiency. We were attempting to treat that first so we could better assess her mental state and determine whether the psychosis is the result of a thiamine deficiency or if she truly is schizophrenic?”“Then why bring it up in the first place? You don’t even know if she is schizophrenic. This could just be the consequences of her own actions. Why are you bothering me with this?”“We’re just trying to keep you informed. We’re concerned for her safety.”“Funny how nobody was concerned about my safety,” he said. Something occurred to him then. “The state is paying for all this?”There was another long pause, then the man did that annoying throat clearing thing. “Your mother’s bill is…being covered by an anonymous donor.”Levi sighed, rolling his eyes. Of course, Nico squealed to Jericho and Atticus. Traitor. “Anonymous donor? Would that anonymous donor have the last name Mulvaney?”“Uh, I can’t say.”“You don’t have to,” Levi said. “I already know.”“Mr.-”“Look, I’m really sorry that my mom bailed on you,” Levi said, cutting him off once more, feeling like he was choking on his words. “And if she was schizophrenic this whole time and nobody noticed, that really fucking sucks, especially for me. But I don’t have to care about her. I don’t have to worry if she’s alright. The truth is, she doesn’t want to get better. If she did, she would have stayed. Wouldn’t have had to hold her captive there via court order.”“Mr. Akira—”“Good luck,” Levi said, then disconnected, tossing his phone over the edge of the bed.It was only once he ended the call that he realized he was shaking. Shiloh raised his head, then rested it on Levi’s chest, before throwing a leg over both of his. “Did she really do that?” he asked quietly.Levi threaded fingers into Shiloh’s hair absently, trying to calm the rage and bitterness surging through him. “Which part?”“Did she sell you to people?” he asked softly.Levi gave a jerky nod, staring up at the ceiling, swallowing hard before he managed a soft “Yeah.”Shiloh hugged him tight with his whole body. “I’m really sorry.”“Why are you sorry?” Levi asked, hoping he sounded bored. “I’m fine. It was a long time ago.”“How can you just be fine?” Shiloh asked.“Jericho,” Levi said. “Once I met Felix, Jericho protected me, gave me a place to stay, a place to hide. A place to put all my rage.”Shiloh threaded their fingers together. “By killing people?”“Not people. Bad people. People who deserve it. People like your brother. And my mother.”They laid there in the darkness for a long while. There was an instability to his emotions that he couldn’t seem to tamp down. This violent storm raging within him. Rage. Anger. Bitterness. Resentment…Guilt. He tried to stuff them back down where they belonged, but they were too strong, threatening to break free at any moment, causing massive devastation.“Do you really think she has schizophrenia?” Shiloh finally asked.“No,” he said dully.Shiloh squeezed his hand. “Do you really not believe it or is it just easier to not believe it so you don’t have to care about her?”Levi’s gaze jerked to Shiloh, voice shaking. “She’s a monster. Do I owe her my pity? My forgiveness? Most serial killers are sociopaths. Does that make them less culpable for their crimes? Most criminals were abused. Does that mean they shouldn’t be punished?”Shiloh gave him a soft look that almost broke him, moving to prop himself up enough to press kisses to Levi’s face and hair, like he was soothing a child. “That’s not what I’m saying, baby.”Levi shivered at Shiloh’s term of endearment. “You can be sad and worried even if you hate her.”“What’s the point of being sad?” Levi muttered. “Sadness doesn’t change reality. It just slows you down.”“I hate my brother,” Shiloh said suddenly. “I hate him so much. But growing up, I loved him. No matter how much he hurt me and manipulated me, I loved him. I lived for the phase in between the beatings when he would be so nice to me, where I could trick myself into thinking he didn’t mean to hurt me. Even after I realized the truth, I still felt sad at the loss.”Levi shook his head, trying to make sense of Shiloh’s logic. “Why would you be sad you lost someone who hurts you?”“I wasn’t. I was grieving the loss of the person I believed him to be when he wasn’t hurting me. I was sad that the person I hoped he really was, didn’t exist. I was sad for what might have been. For the relationship I could have had, if he’d been born differently, under different circumstances. It’s okay to hate your mother and grieve for the mother you should have had. The one that maybe could have existed if not for alcohol or mental illness.”Levi choked on a sudden sob, all those emotions swirling within him escaping in the most humiliating way possible. His face crumpled,his tears coming too fast to wipe them away. There was no way to even hide the shuddering sobs wracking his body. Why was he wasting his tears on someone who had never once even considered his needs? How many times had he gone hungry? How many times had their electricity been turned off? Their water? How many men had hurt him so she could get a fix? “Fuck her,” he managed. “Seriously, I don’t know why I’m crying. She doesn’t deserve my tears.”Shiloh pulled himself into a sitting position, then manhandled Levi until he was lying between Shiloh’s legs, Levi’s upper body against his chest, his face buried against his naked chest as he tried to stop the torrent. What was wrong with him? This might be the single most embarrassing moment of his life. Not because he was crying, but because he cried over someone who didn’t deserve his tears.Shiloh didn’t say anything, just let him cry, running his fingers through Levi’s sleep tangled hair, working out the knots roughly, distracting him from the pain in his chest. He shushed him, rocking him as best he could, like he was soothing a child. Levi let him, he let Shiloh comfort him. He’d never let anyone see him cry. Ever. Not Nico. Not Jericho. He would never let another soul see him waste his tears on Naomi.Except Shiloh.But maybe he was right. Maybe he wasn’t crying over this Naomi, but the imaginary one he’d longed for his whole life. He didn’t know how much time passed before his tears ran dry, sitting up enough to look at Shiloh, contrite. “Sorry.”Shiloh blinked at him in confusion. “Why are you sorry?”Levi looked pointedly at Shiloh’s bare stomach. “For getting tears and snot all over you?”Shiloh’s lips twitched in a soft smile. “I mean, we’ve swapped spit, sweat, you came inside me. I think I can handle snot. Besides, selfishly, it’s really nice to not be the one falling apart right now. I’m always the fragile one. The one who needs protecting. How many times have I cried on you since we met? Malachi has wasted most of his life shielding me from everything.” His expression grew dark in the barely-there light in the room. “Even myself.”Levi frowned. “What does that mean?”Shiloh swallowed audibly, looking anywhere but Levi’s face. “I need to tell you something, but I’m afraid you’ll hate me. Especially after what they just said about your mom.”Levi was shaking his head before he could finish speaking. “Never. You’re nothing like her.”“Don’t say that. You don’t know what I’ve done.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “I don’t even know what I’ve done. Not really.”Levi turned Shiloh so he faced him, taking both his hands in his. There was something to be said for doing this when they were both naked, both equally vulnerable. “Explain.”Shiloh looked like a rabbit caught in a hunter’s scope, all nervous energy, like he sensed danger. “You know how earlier, during my phone call with Micah, he said I was crazy?” Levi nodded. “What if I told you he’s right?”Levi snorted. “I’d say it’s unlikely.”Shiloh made a sound in the back of throat, high and reedy, like he couldn’t help himself, his voice barely audible as he whispered, “ I think I’m the one who pushed Mal’s friend off that balcony.”Levi’s eyes went wide. “Why do you think that?”Shiloh shook his head. “I-I have these dreams sometimes. Except…not. More like flashes, pieces of memories that are trying to put themselves back together.”Levi shook his head. “Those are just dreams, baby. Dreams are weird.”Shiloh licked his lower lip. “I can feel my hands on them…can feel the force of the effort it took to shove them over the edge. Can see them falling…landing.”He shuddered as if reliving it in his head. Levi couldn’t imagine Shiloh killing anyone in cold blood, but it was clear Shiloh believed it. That was all that mattered.“When you say ‘them’ do you mean that guy who raped you?” Levi asked, maybe a little more bluntly than necessary.“I consented,” Shiloh muttered.“Fourteen year old’s can’t consent to sex with adults, baby.”“But did he deserve to die for his crimes?” Shiloh asked.“Not to be an asshole, but there’s a saying Jericho tells us all the time. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Sometimes the consequences of a person’s actions come back on them tenfold. But he started it. I would never hold you accountable for getting even with someone who assaulted you.”“What if it wasn’t just him?” Shiloh asked, finally meeting Levi’s gaze.Levi stared at him in concern. “Who else?”“My mother…” he managed, choking on the words.Levi’s brows went up, heart stuttering in his chest. “You said your mother committed suicide.”“That’s what they told me. That’s what Malachi told me. But I think he lied. To protect me.”“How old were you?”Shiloh ran his tongue along his lower lip. “Six.”Levi shook his head. That didn’t make any sense. “You really think you had the strength at six to push an adult woman off a roof?”“People do all kinds of things when they’re scared. She was trying to take Mal and I with her. She thought she was protecting us. Sometimes I wish she succeeded. I wish Mal hadn’t stopped her-”“Don’t say that,” Levi snapped, the idea of Shiloh not existing in his world too painful to consider.“It’s the truth. It's the only thing I know for a fact is true, everything else is all…muddled together. Sometimes…”“Sometimes…” Levi pressed.“Sometimes—not often,” he added hastily. “But sometimes, I just…lose time.”“Lose time?”Shiloh nodded. “I have these…holes in my memory. AThese big, blank spaces. What if I hurt other people in those times? What if I’m just as bad as Micah? What if I’ve killed innocent people.”“Do you remember hurting anyone—besides the memory or your mother and maybe that douchebag who raped you?”Shiloh hesitated, then shook his head. “No.”Something loosened in Levi’s chest. “Listen, if you pushed your mom off that roof, you did it to save your brother and yourself. And if you somehow pushed that asshole off the balcony, he fucking deserved it. You’re not a bad person. We’re not bad people. Micah is bad. Naomi is bad. Crazy or not. But you’re not bad. You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever known.”Shiloh shook his head like he was rejecting Levi’s words. “But what if I’m also a killer?”Levi shrugged.“Then you’re in good company, because there’s not a single person in my life who hasn’t killed someone. Not one.”“Except Ever,” Shiloh said.“Ever has a body count, too, dimples. We’ve all killed before. We all had our reasons. I’ll never believe you’re a bad person. Your heart is too big.”Shiloh scoffed. “You don’t even know me.”“Sure, I do,” Levi said, dropping back onto the mattress and making grabby hands at Shiloh until he laid down as well, letting Levi make him his little spoon. “You’re my soulmate. I’ve been waiting for you my whole life.”Shiloh sucked in a breath that broke in the middle. “You can’t say things like that.”Levi buried his nose in Shiloh’s hair, inhaling the scent of his shampoo. It smelled like lavender. “Why not?”“Because I’ll start believing it.”Levi pressed his palm flat over Shiloh’s heart. “I need you to believe it. I need you to believe it with everything you have. Sometime soon, I’m going to kill your brother and I need you to be okay with that. I need you to keep looking at me the way do right now.”“I wish we could just do it now,” Shiloh said. “I wish Malachi was safe and Micah was dead. Maybe then we’d have some shot at a normal life.”“Just hang in there. Once we get Malachi out of jail, your brother’s dead. It’s just a waiting game.”“If he suspects something, I’m fucked,” Shiloh said.Levi tightened his hold. “I’m never gonna let him hurt you ever again.”Shiloh craned his head back to look at Levi, his expression pained. “You can’t promise that. If it comes down to me or you, promise me you’ll choose to save yourself.”Levi snorted. “I absolutely won’t make that fucking promise, Shiloh. Not ever. But that’s not going to happen. We won’t get to that point. I promise.”They laid there in the dark, in the silence, listening to each other’s quiet breaths. Just when Levi started to think Shiloh was asleep, he said, “I need you to know that if anything happens to you, I will swallow a bottle of pills and find you on the other side before you ‘re even past the check-in desk. Don’t test me.”“Don’t say that.”“You’re the one bright light in this dark, ugly fucking world, Levi. I don’t want to be here without you.”“What about Malachi?”Shiloh shrugged. “He’ll adapt. He’ll be sad, but he’ll put that sadness in a box and lock it away. Then go about his life. He has art, music and dance. He has boxing and cooking and a million other hobbies. He has a life. I have nothing. Except you.”This whole talk was toxic. The worst kind of codependence. Shiloh needed therapy. He needed time to heal. Levi needed therapy too, if he was being honest. A therapist would probably tell them they shouldn’t be in a relationship, and he’d be right.But they belonged together. Levi could feel it in his bones. Shiloh was his reward for twenty-five years of hell and he had every intention of collecting. “Don’t say that. Your life is going to be so much more than it is right now. I just hope you don’t outgrow me.”Shiloh put his hand over Levi’s. “Soulmates don’t outgrow each other. Right?”Levi smiled against Shiloh’s shoulder. “Right.”“Then you have nothing to worry about.”Just as Levi’s eyes floated closed, his phone began to ring once more. “Ignore it.”“What if it’s your mom?” Shiloh asked.Levi closed his eyes again. “Then she’s someone else’s problem tonight.”Shiloh rolled in his arms, laying his cheek on Levi’s bicep, pressing his knee between Levi’s, pushing his face into his chest, words muffled as he said, “Okay, baby. If that’s what you want.”Levi grinned. “I like when you call me baby.”“Yeah?”“Mm.”Shiloh pulled back. to meet his gaze“Well, I like when you call me dimples.”“Well, good.”“Good,” Shiloh agreed, a silly smile on his face.“Night, dimples. You better be here when I wake up in the morning.”“Night, baby. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”