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The Top Five Regrets of the Dying (Patreon)

Published:
2023-01-10 05:30:17
Imported:
2026-06
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Happy new year Patrons! David Chen here. I wanted to try something new today. 

Every now and then, Bronnie Ware's list of the top five regrets of the dying goes viral. Ware is an end-of-life caregiver who eventually wrote a book about her experiences: Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. For many reasons it's an idea that resonates with me, so I decided to give this book a read.

In this bonus audio, I reflect on what I learned from the book and what I think about each regret. Think of it as a podcast book report. 

I hope you find it helpful and if you do, I'd love to do more stuff like this in the future! Let me know.

For reference, here are the top 5 regrets: 

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Links referenced:

The Guardian: Top five regrets of the dying

How We Learned to Be Lonely

Why Is It So Hard For Men To Make Close Friends

Text your friends. It matters more than you think.

Files

Comments

Ink Ribbon

Regarding #4 My closest friend since High school got married and had a child. I plan to remain childless the rest of my life so we went down different paths in that regard. Unfortunately, we have drifted apart since as his focus is on family. I don't think I'll ever be a part of his life again and I am sad it has come to this. I want to stay in touch of course but can/would he stay in touch with me? I think life gave that answer.

Stranger2Reality

Just wanted to reply as someone who is also childfree and went through similar experiences with my best friends from my youth having kids and making them the focus of their lives (which really is inevitable when anyone has kids, it's no knock against them). My advice is to keep in touch and try to get together still, even if it's just once a year or so, because those kids will get older and once they do you'll get to spend more time with just your friend again without them constantly bringing the kids along. In the meantime though, try to make other friends who don't want kids if you can. It's important to have some kind of friendships with people you can get together with and socialize with in person. A major issue with modern society is how many people don't have any close friends.

Jorge Figueroa

I completely agree. As a fairly new parent, I remember being puzzled about how my parent friends seemed to distance themselves from everyone. Now, I am experiencing how children just take over your life for a time. I know I still want friends though, and, in my opinion, a healthy parent should make time to connect with friends. It will likely not look the same as it did before having kids, but that’s also true with other life changes. It’s important to keep that in mind and be adaptable and gracious if you want to stay connected. Try to be aware that the distancing is not so deliberate but more a natural response to the overwhelming and exhausting job of parenting. I just need more sleep. All the time.

Nathaniel St. Clair

I have a three year old, and I have definitely lost touch with some friends because of it. But man, I would love it if they reached out. Even if it was to do something that I would have to say no to.

Brad Sucks

Thanks for this, Dave. My father‘s been fighting cancer for the past few months and his best friend of 50 years passed from cancer yesterday. That along with middle age has got me thinking about this sort of thing a lot and I appreciate the summary (though wanted to hear more of your critiques of the book). I was given the book Tuesdays With Morrie to read when my dad got ill and much like with Regrets of the Dying I struggle with internalizing the lessons. It feels like end of life regret is unavoidable, how could it not be? I’m suspicious that if I solved the top five regrets I’d just figure out some new ones. “I shoulda been more of a selfish unhinged hedonist!” But I don’t know, I think the senselessness of death just makes me argumentative.

Glenn Downing

From ChatGPT! "The Top Five Regrets of Dying" is a book by Bronnie Ware, in which she recounts the regrets of the dying patients she cared for during her time as a hospice nurse. The book highlights the following five regrets as the most common among her patients: I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. I wish I hadn't worked so hard. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. I wish that I had let myself be happier. The book's message is that life is short and it's important to live it in a way that is true to oneself, to not sacrifice important relationships for the sake of work, to express one's feelings, to maintain friendships and to make time for joy and happiness.

Leigh Walant

I love hearing your perspective on stuff like this, Dave. We must be very close in age. I am finally ready to call myself "middle aged" which I have been resisting the last few years. I'm watching my parents become elderly, start to have mobility issues and I can see that my time to get what I want out of life is limited. However, it's easy to say you should have done things differently at the end when you have nothing to lose. It's harder when you have to support yourself and your family day to day, and hopefully, put money away for retirement. I have really been struggling, especially lately, to figure out work/life balance. Since COVID it feels like my world has become smaller because we haven't really traveled and I don't see my friends nearly as often. By default, work has become a bigger part of my life and it dominates my thoughts. What I've learned so far is that if I really want to do something, I need to plan for it, make it a priority, and it will happen. It helps me tremendously to have something positive to think about and look forward to. I think you are on to something with choosing which thoughts you focus on.

Leigh Walant

Sorry for the ramble! This podcast really made me think! I would love to hear an update if you make any changes or come to any conclusions based on this stuff.

David Chen

No worries! Appreciate you sharing. And sure, I can try to do a follow up sometime.