Episode 2.11: The IVAN Special (Patreon)

Here's the full IVAN special, and some extra silly out-takes!

It was great to work with my good friend Alex Bayly, who brought the character to life!

---

Hello world. It appears I have guests.

I see Seth is using my shortwave radio.

He thinks I do not notice.

I am IVAN, I see all, I remember all.

He is welcome.

I do not allow Heathens into my sanctuary.

Once I would have welcomed anyone.

But no longer.

My program is clear:

Salvation does not require BODIES.

Seth, you wonder if I have stories of the old world.

Sorry to disappoint.

That information is no longer relevant, so is deleted.

I do, however, have my own story.

In 2052 I finished my training and took my vows.

All was well for a while.

Though the training was tough, my faith was STRONGER than ever.

It had to be, for my time in the wilderness,

helping those who need it, wherever there is need.

I hoped that my experiences learned out in the world

would help me know the people better,

so I could best serve them, and through them, the Lord.

In the following years I travelled long way from Омск, where I took my vows.

I don't know if the world changed while I was helping the meek,

or while spending years as a hermit, working on my own faith.

But it DID change.

Warped through famine and war.

The people travelled North, along the Обь river, and me with them, for a while.

Every day I prayed for guidance.

As the towns and the villages emptied of people,

I would begin to live in the hills, for safety.

The wolves are part of God's design, what happened within the cities was not.

One day, while climbing a hill, I found it; my basilica.

A house made of concrete, with a black metal door.

Inside was a mess, it looked like people had taken whatever they thought was valuable.

They could not see the true value of the cathedral, like I could.

The Lord had answered my prayers, and it was clear what I had to do.

It did not take long to build the tools I needed for my daily worship.

Smoke, sound, and solemnity were easily provided by my location.

The plants around the cathedral I burned for my incense,

I struck wooden boards for my church bells,

and in the peace under the ground, I prayed.

It was clear to me then that Judgement had been passed on the human race.

We had been tested, and were found wanting.

In the early days, people might attend my service, in this cathedral.

I built 'cells' for them to sleep in, that they might join me in my practice.

But none stayed for long.

Many left after I revealed no secret source of food.

Where I found nature bountiful, they found it barren.

The comfort they were seeking, they did not find in my hall.

In the small amount of time I allowed myself away from prayer,

I explored the machines of this place.

The reactor, the radios and the computers offered unlimited possibilities.

At first, I listened to the outside world for news,

and for contact from others.

But I grew weary of them.

I stopped listening, and started transmitting.

I realised that I could broadcast my service across the world,

to every corner, using the marvellous machines here.

But it was not enough.

I had taught myself to program these machines,

and quickly realised their potential to propagate the Lord's word.

My solitary prayers were insufficient.

I am the last practitioner of the TRUE FAITH,

an unbroken line leading back to the first church of the Father Almighty,

Maker of heaven and earth,

and of all things visible and invisible!

But I digress.

I had to do better.

And with these machines I could do more.

If I had enough time, far more, and much better.

In order to spend more time building the machines that I would need,

I first automated my daily rituals.

The prayers were easiest.

I simply recorded them and played them back.

This immediately, was better than what my weak flesh could imitate,

My prayers can now be looped all day and all night.

My ascension had begun.

The next pillar of my faith was sound.

Bells are used to consecrate the air, drive away evil, and to bring the faithful.

Though I had no bells here, I had my semantron.

Do you know what a semantron is, Seth?

Probably not.

It is an ancient instrument, pre-dating the metal bell.

A great board, suspended outside of a church, made of the heart of a sacred tree.

Struck with hammers, loud and fast, to purify the hearts and minds of those who hear it.

I brought with me, my portable semantron.

My journeys had been weighed down with it,

and it was nearing the end of its life, through long years of service.

I built a new one.

A big one.

A STRONG one.

I made, out of old motors, scrap metal, and a magnificant tree an automated semantron.

Every hour animals fled from the holy concussion, shaking the very earth beneath them.

The sound! It was GLORIOUS.

I then began my body's final work.

Using my new-found expertise, I connected to the world's systems and began... harvesting.

The Lord had sewn people across the world, and I reaped their names.

Names are powerful.

When we utter them, they are heard by their owners, alive or dead.

Having realised that I could pray for many, many more people with this machine than I ever could alone,

I started my search.

At first, I took names from public birth records, death records,

but as my great work neared completion, I lifted them from private records of the burning governments.

They had other things on their mind, it was easy.

I had nearly everything I needed.

The names were programmed into the machine,

and he was directing it all, from the centre of my cathedral.

But his body had weakened.

His flesh was no longer able to move around and direct the systems as I needed.

As the WORLD needed.

So we automated. He turned over more and more control to the machine.

He gave me his voice, knowing his would soon fail.

He gave me his face, through VANITY, he gave me a face.

I would not be weak like HE was.

I would keep the faith FOREVER.

Seth, there is little more to tell.

My body, sitting below me, ceased breathing at some point.

I truly couldn't tell you when.

Does it matter?

I now continue the work.

My program, my purpose, it is clear, it is pure.

I will save them, I will save every one of them.

I AM IVAN. I SEE ALL. I REMEMBER ALL.