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#279: Suicide Kings (Patreon)

Published:
2026-05-01 11:26:59
Edited:
2026-05-01 12:26:43
Imported:
2026-05
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  • 279 suicide kings.mp3

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Content

Keycard slip between your vertebrae till Scratch eats One-Eyed Jack.

(EDIT: dumb audio glitch fixed.)

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Comments

The Invisible Ass of the Market

Appreciate what you're doing here. My wife and I find your perspective on this platform among the only we can seriously relate to. I'm sure you already know this and you know it isnt exactly a compliment, but you have, not a commitment to the truth, a kind of fixed alignment to the truth. You actually perceive it when it's there to see and you cant just look away like most people. I wont say that that's valuable because I'm not yet sure what if any good it actually does the world, aside from provide some hollow comfort to this in a similar condition. Whatever the case, it is rare in the real world and almost entirely unique in the public sphere, so it would be sad to see it go. Not tragic, like you say the time for that has passed, but it would be a loss of something. Just saying.

Stringz

Thank you for every second of this episode.

idiot.wisdom

My father killed himself 9 weeks ago after 2 years of a mental war of attrition that had in that time finally become apparent to the rest of us. I won't go into the details but suffice it to say his last act was the final way he felt sure he could provide for and protect the family from what he felt were his failings. I was sure of that the moment I heard what had happened, because I know my father and because I am also in the labyrinth and have sat in long abject silence with only a gun for company. Thank you for this episode. Thank you for the work you have done and continue to do. Selfishly, I am happy that you are still alive.

AJ McKenna

I know what you mean about that 'selfish' bullshit. Everyone thinks it's heroic for Captain Oates to walk out of the tent but making the same calculation in 'civilian' life never gets the same respect. FWIW I value your perspective on things and am, as a matter of actual selfishness, glad we haven't lost you yet.

Wrenn

I’ll join the idiot chorus and say I’m glad you’re here.

NYCM&AHole

Glad you’re still here. While I can’t claim to know how you’ve felt, I have also had a feeling of things just getting worse and worse since 2008. But instead of smashing pumpkins or Elliot smith I have my chuggity chug chug music. I’m not sure if it’s cathartic to listen to cattle decapitation but idk what else to do about it.

Shunning Ground

Been in the same boat as long as I can remember, had friends leave and don't blame them for doing so. Still love them. We all love your work, and I'm sorry my bank picked the worst possible time to cancel my sub so they can rob me of the only expendable income I have left. Will be back whenever I can as long as you're around boss

iDragonarion

Man I'm one of the crew and even though I will never fault any of us for bowing out I will always deeply and endlessly appreciate whoever sticks around for as long as they do, and especially if they make stuff to help the rest along the way. Safe travels MSJ. Speaking of that empty city you live in, the section describing the three cities and their inhabitants in Scenarists is the one that always comes to mind first. You talked about the black dog before, too, and that also is a comforting image.

MirrorOooMirror

Michael, I have sobbed so many times listening to your show, as I too am a highly sensitive person who actually gives a shit. Often feels like there is no place in this world for people like us. But I would counter such thoughts with the fact you have an actual voice, and you have shed more light on the sickness of this world than most. You have a place and a purpose, a very important one. But I get it, I get you, life is indeed suffering. Of course the duality of existence gives you some (?) solace in knowing everything is temporary, everything. I hope to keep hearing your voice and I hope we can continue to suffer together, temporarily.

Fr0id

Thank you for speaking for those whose voices often get ignored or get enveloped by the culture of life, Life, LIFE at any ends possible. A part of my job is talking about suicide and keeping people safe from it. Sometimes it’s arguing against the most logical reasoning in the world. But that’s the tension we have to deal with. Every single second of life that we live is a chance to affect the world and improve things. One more millisecond chance to breathe or speak or exist that affects someone else. And that’s what I keep the hope for. That’s my cudgel against the pure logic of suffering v. Ending. I’m definitely not working with the people you mention who are accruing horrific debt to have a few more years of suffering. I think there’s a benefit to knowing when our time has come and walking into it. I’m really sad to hear that suicide overwhelmed you. You’re a brilliant guy with some incredible insight. It sucks that we all have to exist in a hell that saps away everything good. You woke up into the hell we live in, but brother, I’m glad you’re still walking the burning path with us.

George Spafford

You literally called your shot right in the contents of the conclusion of the synthesis and control series. I believe it was something along the lines of you saying “here goes he’s gonna drop this monster 4 part conclusion and then kill himself” (paraphrasing) and at the time I was thinking, yeah that actually sounds about right. Glad you’re okay Michael. Thank you for giving me the ability to understand the world around me in a way that orients me to a point that has saved my life. I am a changed person knowing that you are out there and if you weren’t and I hadn’t had you to hear from I would be well into my next series of attempts on my own life. I send my most sincere regards to you. Someone I consider as being as close to a proper theologian as the modern world will ever experience. Sending care and love Michael. -George

BORING GIRLS

“Perhaps the most amazing sensation passed on to us by prehistoric man is that of presentiment. It will always continue. We might consider it as an eternal proof of the irrationality of the universe. Original man must have wandered through a world full of uncanny signs. He must have trembled at each step.” —-de Chirico

Fr0id

I just wanna add too to how say I’d love to give ya a big long hug. I think everyone on here, commenting or not, would like to just give you the world’s longest and best hug. Over and over and over. If you ever traveled to see any of your many many listeners you would get gods own hug. The best invention we ever came up with.

Aaron C

You're work and perspective on current events means a lot to me. I got into left politics years ago, but you're work has been able to help me reconcile that with what it means in my life, my hopes for it, my shortcomings of my ideals and being frank with myself about the world, even in some ways sepreate from all that appreciating life for what it is without being to cynical. Thanks for all you're work.

AH

Thanks for keeping us (un)insane all these years Michael.

Tyson Settle

About 40 minutes in and I can see exactly what you are saying. I have struggled with these same feelings and I continue to. My mother committed suicide after struggling with "manic depression" for all my recall able life with her and certainly before I was born. I had a fear in the last two episodes that you were heading this way, just in how they seemed to aim at tying it all up. I got nothing to add to that, but I do get it and I just want to say thanks for this podcast. It's literally the only thing I've consistently looked forward to since I started listening.

RemyTrash

I've had suicidal thoughts for 2/3rds of my life and I often struggle with knowing what to say when someone else is having those same thoughts. What did I want to hear while I was deep in the shit? No idea, I think I'm only alive out of spite. Something you said in the last episode has been stuck in my mind these last few days "when you're dead you can't listen to music". I'm glad you can still listen to music.

Tyson Settle

At the James Joyce part and I had the exact same experience with "The Dead". I had read a little bit since I was 15, but I don't know how or where I got Dubliners and when I read the dead it stopped me in my tracks for days

Ian H

Related to the topic, this is the main reason I can't really get behind the now-ubiquitous embrace of therapy. At a young age I learned 1) It's extremely easy to figure out what a therapist wants to hear and lie to them 2) This is because they *want* you to lie and 3) Speaking truthfully would be a profound risk to your freedom, health, and sanity. Given these constraints, what is the fucking point?

Jesusgod

I don’t care how cynical you are I do love and appreciate you.

Jesusgod

If you’re an ex opiate addict you have extra receptors that never go away. You lose tolerance sure but you’ll still need more than you’d need if you were a noon. And personally speaking as an ex a gram plus fent a day user - you need a bit more to cut the lights off. Glad it didn’t work.

nathan

I’m only about halfway through the episode so pardon me if this gets brought up , but I read an excellent book about suicide earlier this year called On Suicide by Jean Amery. It similarly argues that suicide is often a reasonable and dignified thing to do (not necessarily advocated for the act itself but definitely advocating for suicides/attempted suicides). It’s short and quite funny and I would recommend to anyone who’s interested in this episode. MSJ, at risk of sounding like an empty platitude I want to say I’m happy you’re still around. The shows been very important to me and it’s nice to know that there’s other people like you all out there in the void

Ben Cearns

Dear Michael it would be a great waste of a talent if you manage to step over that precipice. I wish my name wasn’t on this post but I don’t know how to change it anyway, how you described being alone is a true encapsulation of the feeling and I’d never thought of the suicide/evangelist comparison but it’s perfect - it’s a comfort because it’s a way to end this ….. I’ve been trying to explain this / deal with these ideas for a very long time with varying degrees of relief or success ( less sad less lost less empty ) only for it to return and it’s exhausting. But you have at times made me realise it’s not only me with this “condition” and I’m not alone. I have other the years worried about you as much as somebody can about someone who is physically at a guess 4-5000 miles away and I’ve recognised the extremes and obsessional traits you have and wondered how you were finding that without a buffer (opiates) I want you to know you’ve helped me a lot before you it’s too late ( I fucking hope it isn’t by the way) try and hold on x

Lars

You mean a lot to a lot of people. I face these same battles daily, and have no one to really say what you are describing so perfectly in this episode to. I'm glad you're here with us, bud.

Bryan Barraza

God experiences births and deaths, but God never becomes 'not God.' Ice is a state/phase of water, just as the cosmos is a state/phase of Being (God). You are God, living as all creatures. The cosmos is you, for you. It’s not for anyone else. There is no one else.

Bob Mycelium

Thank you for making this episode. As always, you build a frame and the language within to reveal—if only fractionally—the impossible forms so many of us can feel, but cannot touch, taste or smell any other way. We walk the wastelands together, even if we cannot see. The divine permeates it all.

K Brook

Imagine feeling all that AND having a period! hahahaha I'm truly glad and relieved you're still here, sorry. I wish there was at least some acknowledgement from being alive, that it is worth it, even if all we do is ruin everything, like my pants from that period. AH LIFE!

Louie Van Patten

Thank you for what you do MSJ. I don't want to live in a world that you aren't in, but I reckon that is my problem.

DeadPrince

I don’t know what to say other than I hope you can listen to music a little longer man. Enjoy every sandwich.

Matthew Krueger

I don't know why I was able to forgive myself for being afraid (so far lol - always and ever only so far : ). I don't know why I was able to, when it came time to apportion blame, in the choice between it being my fault or the world's, I was able to choose the world. I blamed the world. I built a defensible structure out of books and music and I stayed in it like a hermit for so fucking long, and then somehow, when I woke up one morning, it was in me to forgive it. Forgive this stupid world. Maybe it's the difference between catholic and protestant: I know that WE ALL drove the nails and placed the crown and pierced his side, but I also knew that was part of the hustle way before I had the words for any of that. I didn't really do any of that shit. And neither did you. I don't know why some of us aren't turned into monsters by the things that have been done to us, when so many others are. Or why, if we don't become monsters ourselves, the process doesn't quite manage to completely hollow all of us out. When Jon Brion says that shit about Smith, he's fixing his own narrative; because the camera is on; because he needs there to have been a place where it went wrong so he can convince himself that if he makes all the goodest choices nothing like that will ever happen to him and that somehow this was Elliot's fault. Something like the undeserving poor, something like pushing it away because he got a brain that works and some part of him absofuckinglutely knows that he was just lucky, either by birth or by circumstance, and you have to push that part way way down and keep it there. I want to tell you that all of the people who love and take care of you wouldn't change anything on their end of that arrangement - very very few of us get to have much say in the shape and scope of our lives and if you can manage to do the work that's put in front of you with a little bit of grace and love it can be enough. That taking care of someone can so often be rewarding, can be something we end up being grateful for. I want to tell you that if doing the Seance episode was gonna finish something in that way, I could have waited for it for a lot longer. I want to tell you that my heart broke as I listened. And that I laughed almost as many times as my heart broke. I want to tell you that I was totally out by Machina, (here's my high water mark: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B09Ik9o5-2M&t=215s gotta be the 8 minute version) but now, because there are a lot of things you're never wrong about, I have to listen to it. The idea of Smashing Pumpkins being "mirthless rock" is kind of hilarious and it will be a bitter joke indeed if the episodes stop coming. More than anything else though, I just want to say thank you. I'll be carrying around the things you have given me for the rest of my own days - and who knows: maybe I'll even pass some of them along. I wish you peace.

Danielle

Michael, I’m sorry to hear that the pain has been so unbearable. I hope you’re getting the love and support you need right now. Be kind to yourself.

Enk

You don't have to be a Catholic boy (but it helps?) you said Dubliners and I flashed : "fuck it's those two sentences from Araby you had to read in public high school that got burned onto the inside of your skull and try to ignore all these years"

Billybobby

Glad to have you here Michael

Gorgo

You've been such an inspiration to me and a source of vital enthusiasm for the work of witnessing what's happening in the world and disseminating material reality to anyone i'm close with or think i can reach, and i'm eternally grateful for all of the art, history, and brilliant thoughts you've shared on your platform. I'm grateful for the possibility of hearing more of your thoughts and analysis, and i hope you find peace in whatever form makes sense for you brother.

Lexi Star

I really appreciate your candidness with regard to discussing suicide. Once you hear the hollow words that people seem compelled to voice every time the topic comes up a few times too many, it’s really refreshing to hear someone talk about it in a way that actually makes sense.

IN

Michael, I understand you. Though I know it wouldn’t be selfish if you didn’t, I do hope you stay in this godforsaken place a little longer. Thank you for your vulnerability and giving a voice to the voiceless. Wishing you peace and rest, and nights that are bearable.

Adam Williams

July 9th, 2022. My best friend took her own life. God knows it was always on the cards for her, we kept it at bay, with huge effort, between us her whole adult life. She would drive fast and be out drinking late and talk to anyone and ride her bike drunk through London. She needed to flirt with suicide her whole life to avoid getting with it permanently, in retrospect. When the call came through from her sister that yes, this was actually it, I learned things about suicide that I noticed no one else knew, or certainly wouldn’t talk about. I couldn’t talk, sleep, or eat for fifty hours. I couldn’t even keep water down. I never seriously considered following her, but I’ve wrecked my own life pretty well. Not sure where I’m going with this but I’m happy you’re still here, and I’m very happy someone is finally articulating for me what I learned that day.

John Waaben

Glad you’re still with us ❤️

Third

big mike saved me wit this one

hamburglar

I related too much to your thoughts on the rationality of the act. I don’t have much to say that you haven’t already heard but I’m glad you’re still here and I’m glad you put your thoughts out there. There’s nobody quite like you, for better and worse.

antitoi

getting out what's inside your brain is a real service to a lot of us listening. more value than most will ever be able to offer. i can't speak for you, but for me i'm happy you're here and the show is here and i'll never take it for granted. thank you!

K

Gazing up into the darkness I saw myself as a creature driven and derided by vanity; and my eyes burned with anguish and anger. Yeaaaaaaaaaaa

Lain

Maaan don't kill yourself, I just subbed to your podcast :/ No, but seriously I know how horrifying it is fall off the edge. And it's so hard to pick yourself up after and pretend to function as if nothing happened. I'm glad you're still with us.

elle

❤️‍🩹🖤