Male muse (Patreon)

This shoot is already so many months old that when I look at it now, it feels like it wasn’t me — it was some other version of Yulia.

Which is probably true.

Because I really changed a lot this year.

Last May, when I came to Kyiv to watch and enjoy the lilacs blooming under the sound of drones and explosions, I was shooting a lot. Actively. Film, digital, girls, boys… boys. It was during that time that I photographed this man in the studio. Everything felt easy and natural. The light was fine. The studio was fine. The model was great. Technically, nothing was wrong. But something was completely off. And at the time, I didn’t understand what. At all. It took time for me to admit something very simple — I just don’t feel it when I photograph men. I don’t see them the way I see women. I don’t feel that internal pull.

And yet I kept pushing myself. As if this was “growth.” As if this was me expanding creatively. But what’s the point of growth that brings no pleasure? Just to tick a box and say I can do it too? And not just do it, but do it at a solid level?

Maybe I don’t need to go in that direction? I don’t get the same level of joy I feel when I photograph women. Sorry, men.

But then I remembered something.

The two male shoots I did before this one felt completely different. The mood was different. My energy was different. They were my friends. It felt experimental. Playful. Fun. And I genuinely liked the result. So maybe this isn’t about men versus women at all. Maybe it’s about closeness. About connection. About how much I feel the person in front of my camera.

Maybe that’s the real difference

And maybe one day I’ll arrive at the same realization with women too. Maybe at some point I’ll stop photographing strangers altogether and only photograph people who are already part of my life - friends,  closes one, those I truly feel safe and honest with.

Sometimes I think about photographers like Ryan McGinley, who simply traveled with his friends and photographed them as they were - messy, free, drunk on life, vulnerable, naked, alive. Not trying to create something impressive, but just capturing a shared moment and a real connection.

Maybe photography, at least for me, is slowly moving in that direction. Less about searching for new faces and more about depth. Less about producing images and more about witnessing people I already love and understand.

Who knows. Maybe the real evolution isn’t learning to photograph everyone - but allowing myself to photograph only those I genuinely feel)