My muse on film (Patreon)

Little update

I’m still in Kyiv) Packing suitcases again, and tomorrow Gary and I are heading to the countryside in the Kyiv region for a few days - to ground ourselves a little, listen to birds, breathe, slow down. And after that we’re going to Mykolaiv to spend time with my parents and attend my favorite cousin’s graduation.

And honestly… Kyiv welcomed me very gently. Very warmly. Very easily.

As many of you know, I honestly wasn’t planning to come back to Ukraine at all. Not because I don’t miss it. Not because I don’t love it here. Not because I stopped caring. But because of the war.

Because no matter how beautiful everything is here, the war still leaves its fingerprints on everything. Along with the warmth, the familiar language, chestnut trees, lilacs, friends, family, and all the emotions this place gives me - there’s also the other side of it. Waking up at night because of explosions. Fear for your own life. Fear for Gary’s life. That constant internal “what if”. And even when there are no sirens, you still feel it. Like your body remembers before your mind does. I think for foreigners who never experienced this kind of reality, it’s almost impossible to fully understand until the first siren. Or the first explosion.

But honestly, this post is not even about that.

I just want to say that Kyiv is beautiful. Ukraine is beautiful. And I think I’ll spend my entire life singing love songs to my country)))

And what’s interesting is that this is probably the first trip back here in years where I don’t feel that desperate pressure to “do everything”. There’s no panic. No feeling that I’m running out of time every second. Maybe I finally learned how to plan my days. Or maybe life simply arranged itself differently this time.

But for the first time, it feels like there is enough time. Enough time to see people. Enough time to shoot. Enough time to stay home and do absolutely nothing. Enough time to sleep. Enough time to deal with documents. Enough time to be with my parents. And we’ve already been here for two weeks. And strangely enough - I don’t feel exhausted.

Usually, by this point during my trips to Ukraine, I’d already be dreaming about leaving as fast as possible and going “home” somewhere else - Europe, Mexico, anywhere - just to recover. But this time… I don’t feel that. I’m just enjoying being here. Trying to stay calm during night alarms. Holding Gary close. Listening to birds. Walking through the botanical garden. Seeing people I love. And simply being present.

Because honestly… if not now, then when?