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Gurometer: Teal Swan and Scott Galloway (Patreon)

Published:
2026-03-18 11:13:29
Edited:
2026-03-18 12:05:57
Imported:
2026-03
Tags:

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Content

In this Gurometer double bill, Matt and Chris break out the much-sought-after Gurometer™ to score Teal Swan and Scott Galloway across the 11 recurring guru traits. In one efficient episode, we compare cosmic-certified spirituality with secular man-talk (and a surprising amount of puffer-jacket merchandising). As a bonus, get ready to thrill at Matt's eternal puzzlement at his own simple binary question of 'guru-osity'.

Links

Gurometer scores to date

Comments

RareTripleBait

Will eat a shoe if Teal scores more than six or seven points

Jori Grym

Chris commited the ultimate sin in the first two minutes

Chris Rincón

Thank god for the override on Broicity. Would’ve been a historic misfire. Scott may be a self-deprecating liberal, but he is absolutey a bro underneath all the niceties.

Martin 🇧🇻

"Star Wars geeks". A true geek would know the Borg are from Star Trek, not Star Wars

Karen 🇨🇦🇺🇸

Scott said he’s the most masculine because his posse are all gay men.

Rich F

Scott, re. galaxy-brainedness "just touching the clinical range". (Matt) I really like that summation. Not to sound like a... i dunno... a cuck-ass fanboy, but that really tickled.

Rich F

Also, Teal spoke in some of the source/secondary material about the entirety of mental health care, all of it, as being *destrctively* wrong. If I remember correctly. Added to what she sells, that's Cultish as all hell. I'm like 5 minutes into the thing. I'll stop typing and just listen now I think.

Ymirsdreams

Unless we're decrementing points based on excessive crazy (which a cursory glance at my dating history will reveal I *never* do) Swan is a solid 8, and if ditched the odd attitude to her son subject to an annual review she could work her way up to 8.5 maybe even a 9. Scott isn't my type.

Lillie

Puffer jackets are a big deal in this area (I live in a few hours from Teal) you need a puffer most of the year around here, so maybe she does a brisk business…?😂still weird

Stan Law

I feel like Scott scores off the charts on "grievance mongering" in the sense that he is getting rich off the "young men crisis." There is no crisis.

Alex H

Lol I love that Matt still asks what the guru classification means. It's only been 5 years or so!

Linda Sears

I think I’d have given Teal a lower Cassandra score since she didn’t appear to have a particular fear she was promoting as causing our impending destruction. I wouldn’t put it past her to make that a big part of her performance if it was called upon, though.

Nancy Hale

I dunno, but the profiteering score for Teal Swan might be a bit modest, if we’re going to include a full range of the stuff she sells on her website. Phone cases, shower curtains, duvet covers, and sports bras!

Linda Sears

Matthew McConaughey as cult mascot was a good line.

Anne Stephens

"Google/satanic picnic/Al Mode/These are results for satanic panic/Search instead for satanic picnic" Oh... 🙂