Gacha Harem King DXD Chapter 2 Remastered: Meet the Daughter-in-Laws (Patreon)

The Hyoudou family relocated into the living room. The dishes had been cleaned, the chaos momentarily subdued, now it was time to question just who these girls were.

Issei stood beside his parents, arms crossed and brow twitching nervously. His eyes flicked toward the couch across from them, toward the three very unique girls sitting on the couch.

On the far left, Nyaruko bounced lightly in her seat, humming some upbeat, nonsensical tune while hugging a couch cushion like it was a plushie. Her ahoge bobbed with every movement, radiating uncontained energy.

In the center, Kaguya sat like she owned the couch. Back straight. Her chin slightly raised. Arms tucked elegantly into her sleeves. Every inch of her screamed untouchable nobility.

Evangeline reclined her half-lidded gaze swept the room with visible disappointment. Legs crossed. Posture lazy but controlled. A porcelain teacup rested delicately in her hand as she sipped black tea that absolutely did not exist in the house five minutes ago. 

Issei gulped. ‘Why do I feel like I brought home ticking time bombs?’

Standing across from them, Miki Hyoudou crossed her arms, her expression dead serious. The warm, smiling mom from dinner was now the woman of the house and she wanted answers.

“Still not over the ‘ice magic’ thing,” Gorou muttered from the back, sounding like a man whose world-view had just been put through a paper shredder.

“That’s nothing compared to the world literally freezing, Dad,” Issei replied under his breath.

“Quiet, boys,” Miki commanded, then stepped forward, her eyes sharp.  “As Issei’s mother, I’d like to properly get to know my new... daughters-in-law.” She said, her voice calm but firm,

Issei immediately choked on nothing. “—Ghk?! MOM?! Daughters-in-law?! W-We’re not even dating!!”

“I see no issue,” Kaguya spoke smoothly, not missing a beat. “Technically, I am the legal wife. The others are simply concubines.”

Nyaruko shot up like a rocket. “Oho~! Mom-in-law wants to learn about us?!” She beamed, pointing at herself proudly. “Then I, the number one wife, shall go first! I accept this responsibility with pride!”

Evanegeline didn’t even look up. “I’m only here because the alternative would involve being trapped in a prison.”

“Can I go first?! Can I, mom-in-law?!” Nyaruko chirped, bouncing so hard the couch groaned. “I was the first to be summoned after all! Number one waifu, reporting in~!” Nyaruko chirped, bouncing in place.

“Please don’t call my mom that…” Issei groaned, dragging a hand down his face.

“I think it’s adorable,” Miki replied instantly, completely serious. “Go ahead, dear.”

Issei stared at her in betrayal. ‘She accepted that WAY too fast.’

Nyaruko sprang to her feet. She performed a lightning-fast magical girl transformation pose, sans the actual magic, throwing her hands to her hips and puffing out her chest.

“Okay! So~! My name is Nyaruko, and I am an eldritch alien species from beyond your understanding of reality! I work for the Space Defense Agency, specializing in Space CQC, that’s Close Quarters Combat, by the way. My combat rating is top-tier in the multi-galactic registry!”

The Hyoudous stared.

Issei slowly turned to his father. “Did she just say she was an alien?”

Gorou nodded with the numbness of a man who had given up trying to understand. “She sure did, son.”

“But you look so... normal,” Miki said, blinking. “You aren't green. Or slimy. Or covered in suction cups.”

Nyaruko giggled, twirling her silver hair. “Of course not! This is my Human disguise! I made it extra kawaii to fit in!” She leaned in toward Issei, eyes sparkling with dangerous excitement. “But if you want, darling, I can show you my real form~”

Issei felt a drop of cold sweat slide down his spine. “...Wait, define 'real'?”

“My true form,” Nyaruko said with the pride of someone talking about their favorite Halloween costume, “is a writhing mass of shapeshifting cosmic matter and tentacles!”

Everyone froze.

Miki turned a shade of grey. Gorou took a synchronized step back toward the hallway. Even Kaguya’s mask of boredom slipped into a look of genuine alarm.

Even Evangeline paused mid-sip and leaned forward, a predatory glint in her blue eyes. “Honestly I kind of want to see it. For science.”

Nyaruko tilted her head, her smile remaining perfectly fixed, but the air in the room suddenly smelled of ozone and ancient stone. “Oh, you don’t want me to show my true form. Your retinas would liquefy, your brains would invert, and your little dimension would fold like cheap origami!”

Miki and Gorou took another step back in sync.

Issei’s eye was twitching so hard it was almost a seizure. “You’re joking… right?”

Nyaruko leaned in, her pupils shifting into the shape of swirling galaxies. “Would you like to find out? Since it’s you, I promise it won’t hurt~.”

“NOPE!” Issei scrambled backward, nearly tripping over the rug. “We’re good! Stay cute! Cute is safe! Cute doesn't liquefy retinas!”

Kaguya smoothed her kimono, looking shaken. “And here I thought my ‘forbidden immortality’ was the most dramatic baggage in the room.”

Evangeline set her teacup down with a soft clink. “So,” she said flatly, “you’re a cosmic horror masquerading as a human… working as what exactly?”

Nyaruko perked right back up. “I’m a Space Police!” Nyaruko answered proudly. “Think Intergalactic TSA, but cuter and with more punching.” She winked and threw a heart pose in Issei’s direction. He turned beet red.

Gorou slowly raised a hand, trying to remain polite. “…So what’s your mission?”

Issei immediately latched onto that. “Yeah, good question. What were you doing as a cop, Nyaruko?”

She froze mid-pose. Her smile flickered. “Uhhhh… I forgot.”

Miki blinked. “You forgot your mission?”

“Well, technically,” Nyaruko said, scratching her cheek sheepishly, “the original me is still doing it in another timeline. I’m just the copy that got summoned by the Great Mother. But I’m sure it was super important! Saving a sun or preventing a localized apocalypse. Probably saving a planet or two.”

Issei narrowed his eyes.. “So why did you even agree to be summoned here?”

“Because I was bored!” She declared, her manic energy returning in a flood. “The agency is all paperwork and I thought it sounded fun. And now…” She clasped her hands behind her back, leaning forward with a dazzling smile. “My new mission is to make you fall madly, hopelessly in love with me until we become a permanent real couple!”

Silence.

Steam visibly poured out of Issei’s ears. “W-What kind of mission is that?!”

Miki exhaled, looking at her husband. “Well... she’s certainly enthusiastic. And she had a steady government job.”

Gorou gave Nyaruko a slow, impressed nod. “The girl’s got initiative. I respect the hustle.”

“She’s deranged,” Kaguya muttered, glaring.

“I’m passionate!” Nyaruko corrected.

“She’s an earsore,” Evangeline sighed.

“I’m devoted and all yours, darling~!” Nyaruko squealed, already glomping on Issei again,  wrapping around his arm like a clingy parasite.

Gorou clapped his hands together. “Well! That’s a lot. So! Who’s next in the rotation?”

Miki glanced between Kaguya and Eva with nervous politeness. “Would either of you ladies like to go next?”

Evangeline sighed, lowering her cup slowly. Her blue eyes narrowed, tracking a speck of dust in the air before she gestured subtly toward the middle of the couch. “Go on, royalty,” She murmured. “Might as well remind everyone how you’re better than us.”

Kaguya responded with a satisfied hum, a sound of pure, melodic arrogance. She straightened her posture, the silk of her multi-layered kimono whispering against the cushions. Her back was a perfect vertical line, her chin held at an angle that suggested she was looking down at everyone from a balcony that wasn't there.

Clearing her throat softly, Kaguya began, her voice smooth and imperious like silk-wrapped steel. “My name,” she said with a regal nod, “Is Kaguya Houraisan. I am the exiled Princess of the Moon, of the now-dissolved Lunarian Royal Court.  I have walked this earth for over thirteen centuries, bearing both the gift and the curse of true immortality.”

The room went tomb-silent. Miki blinked rapidly, trying to do the math.

Issei tilted his head, his brain struggling. “Wait, wait, thirteen centuries? So you’re also an alien?! Is the moon just a giant apartment complex for cute girls?”

Kaguya nodded solemnly. “I am a Lunarian. I hail from the Lunar Capital. Though the version of me that exists in the ‘original’ timeline currently resides in a hidden bamboo grove, hiding from the shadow of an unjust punishment and the whispers of envious nobles.”

“What punishment were you given?” Gorou asked carefully.

Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “For the crime of consuming the Hourai Elixir, the immortality potion, a concoction deemed a sin even among the divine. My ‘peers’ executed me for it. But,” She allowed a small, cold smile to touch her lips, “seeing as I could no longer die, they resorted to the only thing left: banishment to the Earth. And...”

She paused, gesturing with a delicate, pale hand to her petite frame.

“...This form I wear has not aged a single second since the moment the elixir touched my tongue. I am a stagnant point in a moving world.”

Miki tilted her head. “So… you’re like… stuck in that age?”

Kaguya sighed dramatically, the weight of a thousand years of boredom pressing down on her shoulders. “Precisely. I am trapped in this shell. But despite my appearance, I demand to be treated with the reverence due to a mature and powerful sovereign. Especially by you, my husband.”

Issei looked away, whistling a tune that didn't exist. ‘She’s definitely intense. And the "princess" thing is cool and all... but thirteen centuries and still no curves? This Gacha system is trolling me.’

“What do you do for fun then?” Miki asked, trying to find common ground. “Hobbies? Cooking?”

Kaguya raised a delicate finger. “Tea. Poetry. The pursuit and acquisition of priceless treasures beyond mortal comprehension.”

Miki blinked again. “That’s… a list.”

“And your abilities?” Gorou added, out of politeness.

Kaguya allowed herself a small, mysterious smile. “I command the powers of eternity and the instantaneous.”

The Hyoudous stared. “Which means…?” Issei asked slowly.

She rolled her eyes, her regal mask slipping into minor exasperation. “Honestly, the education in this century is appalling. I can manipulate time. I am the master of the interval.”

“Ah,” Miki said, nodding as if she understood.

Gorou stared at her. “Like… slow it down?”

“Stopping it, accelerating it, anchoring objects so they exist outside of it,” Kaguya clarified with a shrug. “Time is not a river to me; it is a plaything. A toy.”

Issei’s imagination immediately went to a dark place as he imagined what she could do. ‘Wait, if she can stop time... she’s the ultimate alarm clock. I’ll never get to sleep in again.

There was a pause, until Miki tilted her head thoughtfully. “Wait a second… Kaguya. Princess from the moon. Found in a bamboo stalk. Isn’t that an old fairy tale? The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter?””

Gorou snapped his fingers. “That’s it! The Kaguyahime myth! It’s like the oldest story in Japan!”

Kaguya froze. Her half-lidded eyes snapped open. “What did you say?”

Issei perked up. “Yeah, it’s a legendary myth. Everyone knows it. You’re literally a household name in this world.”

Kaguya’s eyes began to glow. Not with magic, but with a smug, blinding arrogance that threatened to fill the entire room. A slow, triumphant grin curled across her lips. “A legend… about me?” She straightened even taller, if such a thing was possible. Her expression now gleamed with arrogance bordering on divine. “So even in this primitive world. They know of the great me.” She placed a hand against her chest. “I am not only immortal—I am immortalized, a pillar of human culture." She turned to Miki and Gorou with a look of supreme victory. “As I suspected. I am the most perfect being in your history books, and it is only natural that you should all bow before my divine presence.”

Evangeline coughed pointedly into her tea. “Let’s not encourage the ego. It’s already big enough to have its own gravity.”

Nyaruko giggled, poking Kaguya’s shoulder. “Oh no~ The Moon-Goblin has gone into full Diva Mode!”

Kaguya huffed, ignoring them both to look at Issei. “Husband! Surely you can see now. I am the only suitable choice for the main wife.”

“I’m still not a lolicon,” Issei said, his stubbornness meeting her arrogance head-on.

Kaguya’s head whipped toward him, her eyes ablaze with fury. “I AM NOT A—!”

“You still look like one,” Nyaruko chimed in, leaning against Issei’s shoulder. “A very, very old one~.”

Evangeline took a final, slow sip of her tea. She set the porcelain cup back onto its saucer with a sharp, crystalline clink. “I suppose it is my turn to satisfy your curiosity,” She said. Her voice lacked Nyaruko’s manic energy and Kaguya’s melodic pride. It was a low, melodic alto, laced with a frost that bit at the senses. She sat up, her spine like a rod of iron. In the dim light of the living room, her blue eyes didn't just shine, they glowed with a faint, predatory luminescence. “My name is Evangeline Athanasia Katherine McDowell. And unlike the cosmic gremlin to my left or the displaced celestial princess over there, I was born human.”

Nyaruko gasped, clutching her pillow to her chest. “Gremlin?! My species has thirty-six different words for ‘adorable,’ and none of them translate to that!”

Evangeline ignored her. Her gaze remained fixed on the family. “I was a daughter of nobility... until I was cursed. I was forcefully turned into a True Vampire during the height of the dark ages.”

Miki’s eyes widened slightly, Gorou’s posture straightened, and even Issei leaned in a little.

“I have walked this earth for over six hundred years,” Evangeline continued, her tone clinical and detached. “In that time, I mastered the arcane. As a true vampire, weaknesses such as daylight can be ignored and as a Witch. I command ice, shadow, and the very essence of life, blood, as well as other darker arts.” She shot a brief, chilling look at the parents. “I won’t demonstrate the latter. This neighborhood wouldn't survive the collateral.”

“We... appreciate the restraint,” Miki said faintly.

Issei leaned forward. “So why become a witch if you were already a vampire?”

Evangeline’s gaze darkened, the blue of her eyes bleeding into a ruby red. “To exact revenge. I spent centuries hunting the one who stole my humanity. I wanted to see his world burn.”

The room fell into a heavy pause. Issei’s voice was barely a whisper. “Did you... did you get him?”

“No.” Her tone was clipped, final. “And unfortunately the tragedy didn't end with a missed vendetta.” She leaned back, her small hands folding neatly in her lap. “During my travels, I was betrayed. Not by an enemy, but by a man I actually trusted. Someone I... loved.”

Gorou’s brow furrowed, his protective fatherly instincts flickering to life. “What did he do to you?”

Evangeline’s eyes flicked toward him, cold and sharp. “He cursed me again. But this time, he didn't try to kill me, instead he made me into a joke. He bound my powers and physically sealed my existence to a school, forcing me to live as a permanent student, a prisoner who could never leave the grounds, watching generations of students grow old and leave while I remained trapped.”

A profound chill settled over the living room. Even Nyaruko’s silver ahoge drooped, her usual energy dampened by the sheer bitterness in Evangeline’s voice.

“That’s...” Issei stammered, his heart aching for the small girl on the couch. “That’s genuinely messed up. To be a prisoner for so long?”

“I know,” Evangeline said simply, though her fingers tightened slightly on her dress.

“Wait,” Miki said softly, her eyes shimmering with empathy. “So the version of you that agreed to this Gacha System, the original you, why did she agree to this?”

Evangeline exhaled through her nose again. “She was desperate. She thought this system was a loophole, a way to escape out of that accursed contract and start over in a new world free.” She leaned her head back against the couch and closed her eyes. “She didn't realize the Gacha only summons a copy.” For the first time since she arrived, Evangeline looked… sad or tired. “I’m not that Evangeline. I’m just a piece of her, cut loose and dropped into this insane setup.”

Silence reclaimed the room. Issei took a hesitant step closer, his eyes searching hers. “Does that mean… you don’t want to be here?”

Evangeline opened one eye. It glimmered blue. “I didn’t say that. My circumstances may be artificial, but I am real. My choices are my own. And for now…” She glanced around the room, at the Hyoudous, at Nyaruko being weird, at Kaguya prideful form, and finally back at Issei, a ghost of a smirk playing on her lips.. “This is far from the worst place I’ve ever been stuck in.”

Nyaruko threw her arms up. “That’s practically affection coming from her!”

Kaguya scoffed, though there was no real bite in it. “A tragic backstory. It was quite moving. But mine was still more aesthetically pleasing, of course.”

Evangeline rolled her eyes. Issei, meanwhile, could only think of how sad her life must have been. The mood in the Hyoudou living room had finally settled. With all three girls having finished telling their stories, there was a brief silence.

Then, as if on cue, three pairs of eyes turned in unison to Issei, causing him to gulp as he noticed all three girls now looking directly at him. Nyaruko smiled expectantly, Kaguya arching a delicate eyebrow, and Evangeline resting her chin on her fist with a calculating stare. “...What?”

“It is your turn, husband,” Kaguya declared. “We have laid bare our past and it is only fitting we know the nature of the man that summoned us.”

Evangeline leaned back, her shoes clicking softly as she crossed her legs. “If we’re stuck in this house and, apparently, your life, then yes. I want to know exactly what I’m dealing with.”

Nyaruko beamed, practically vibrating. “I already know everything I need But I wouldn’t mind knowing more about you, darling!”

Issei’s brow furrowed. A flicker of guilt pierced through his heart. “But... you three aren’t actually stuck here, right? I mean, I’m an idiot and a pervert, but I’m not a kidnapper. If you hate this, you can just... leave. I won’t force you to stay.” Deep down, a part of him wailed. ‘Please stay. Cute girls are still cute.’

Kaguya’s sharp gaze turned on him like a guillotine dropping. “If I could leave, I would have left the moment you said the word 'oppai' in front of royalty.”

Evangeline sighed, rubbing her temple. “As your summons, we’re bound to you. Spiritually, magically and conceptually. If you die, we disappear. End of story.”

Issei blanched. “Wait, what?! That’s a horrible contract! That’s basically a suicide pact for you guys!”

“We didn’t write the terms or rules,” Evangeline muttered. “Your cosmic sugar mommy did.”

“Shub-Niggurath~” Nyaruko sang.

Issei’s face paled. “Seriously?” Issei’s stomach turned. “That’s not fair to any of you.”

“It is concerning,” Evangeline admitted, her eyes narrowing as she studied him. “Which is why we’re going to discover what makes you so special.”

Kaguya nodded. “Eventually.”

“But first,” Miki said suddenly, from behind him, arms folded in a familiar mom-mode stance, “You are going to be a gentleman and introduce yourself properly.”

Issei turned. “Mom—”

“No secrets or lies.” She said firmly. “If you’re going to be in a relationship, you start with honesty. It is the bedrock of any relationship, Issei.”

Gorou gave a thumbs up. “This is the secret to any romance, son.”

Issei groaned, burying his face in his hands. “You guys are way too into this.” But they weren’t budging. He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck and looked at the couch, realizing there was no escape. “Fine. But... you can’t freak out. Especially you two,” He said, pointing at the Princess and the Witch.

Kaguya looked personally insulted. “How dare you assume I would freak out. Like I am some kind of commoner.”  

“Just get on with it,” Evangeline said, sipping her tea.

Issei gulped. “Well, I’m just a regular high school student. Nothing special. Average grades. Average strength. Average life. I’m just an ordinary teenage high school boy” He paused. “And?” Issei coughed awkwardly, cheeks going red. “I’m also a massive huge pervert.”

Silence.

Nyaruko tilted her head, her ahoge twitching. “Define huge.”

“I love women!” Issei’s voice rose, the passion of a true believer taking over. “I think they’re the greatest miracle in the universe! Specifically... I have a spiritual, borderline religious devotion to women with big, soft, bouncy OPPAI!”

Nyaruko squealed, clapping her hands. “Darling is a man of culture and vision~!”

Evangeline didn't even flinch. She just blew on her tea. “So you’re a hormonal teenager with a singular focus. Hardly a world-shattering revelation.”

Issei blinked, stunned. “Wait. You’re not mad?”

Evangeline shrugged. “I’ve lived six hundred years. I’ve met necromancers who wanted to marry corpses and kings who slept with their own horses. A boy who likes breasts is practically wholesome.”

Kaguya, on the other hand, sat frozen and visibly recoiled. “My summoner... my husband... is a hormonal ape with the aspirations of degeneracy."

“You said you wouldn’t freak out!” Issei said.

Kaguya sniffed, turning her head away. “You had best behave yourself, peasant. I may be small, but I wield the divine authority of the heavens. If your eyes wander toward my person with ‘degenerate’ intent, I will anchor your soul in a single second of agony for a century.”

Nyaruko, however, leaned in, grinning. “You can touch me inappropriately if you want, darling~!”

“Don’t worry!” Issei said, his hands waving frantically, looking specifically at Kaguya and Evangeline. “I would never touch you inappropriately! I have standards! I’m not a lolicon!”

The temperature dropped as the atmosphere turned into a glacier.

Kaguya and Evangeline both turned their heads slowly, their eyes burning with a dark, primordial fury.

Kaguya’s voice was a whisper of absolute zero. “...And what, precisely, do you mean by that?”

Evangeline’s tea cup hovered inches from her lips. “Explain yourself, mortal. Carefully.”

Issei felt the metaphorical noose tighten. “Uh... I mean! You both look... young! So I’d respect your boundaries! Because you’re like... petite! And I wouldn’t want to be a creep!”

Kaguya stood up, her aura vibrating so hard the floorboards began to groan. “You dare imply that because of my cursed, eternal youth, I am somehow... off-limits? That I am inferior to those 'jiggling mountains' you worship?!”

“I’m not a child.” Evangeline hissed, her fangs glinting sharply.  “I’ll have you know that thousands have said about how lucky they would be to have me as a wife.” 

Issei held up his hands. “Whoa! I didn’t mean it like that! I was trying to say I will respect your boundaries!”

Evangeline snapped. “At least stop implying we’re undateable just because we don’t have jiggling  breasts!”

“I NEVER SAID THAT!”

“Your eyes certainly did!” Kaguya accused, pointing a sharp, manicured finger. “Every time you look at us, your pupils are filled with the crushing weight of disappointment!”

Miki cleared her throat, breaking the tension. “Ladies,” She said with a sweet, terrifying smile, “why don’t we give Issei a moment to stop digging his own grave?”

The two girls simmered down, though the air remained heavy

Evangeline exhaled.“Regardless of your abysmal taste of the female form, there is no way a Higher Being granted you this power just because you screamed into the void about a harem. There must be a catalyst. A hidden variable.”

Kaguya nodded, her royal dignity returning. “Agreed. A much deeper reason must exist. Perhaps a dormant lineage... or some hidden immense power, locked inside you.”

“Or maybe the reason is that you’re just totally adorable when you panic~” Nyaruko added with a smile.

“You’re not helping,” Issei muttered again with a blush.

Evangeline then folded her arms. “We’ll find out what’s going on eventually. Count on it.”

“Indeed,” Kaguya said, her eyes gleaming with a scientific and slightly vengeful light. “Prepare yourself, Issei. We shall begin the experiments immediately.”

Issei froze. “...What kind of experiments?”

“Personality analysis. Magical diagnostics. Bloodline testing. Possibly some invasive soul observation,” Kaguya said and listed casually.

“And maybe some cuddling to establish emotional bonding~” Nyaruko added, leaping back onto his arm.

Evangeline rolled her eyes. “We will not be cuddling.”

“I make no promises!” Nyaruko chirped.

Issei groaned into his hands. ‘Why is this my life now…?’

—----------------------------------------

Issei’s Room

The door creaked open.

Issei Hyoudou stood in the doorway of his room, his heart hammering against his ribs. He offered a silent, desperate prayer to the Mother of a Thousand Young, begging for the girls to be merciful. They were not.

Nyaruko blinked, her ahoge twitching radically. Kaguya’s eyes narrowed with fury. Evangeline tilted her head, her gaze sweeping the room with the slow, rhythmic precision.

Every inch of the room was covered in degeneracy incarnate: Posters of gravure idols in suggestive poses lined the walls. A mountain of Oppai Heaven and Milky Princess EX DVDs sat by the TV. Anime figurines, half-naked maids, magical girls with physics-defying chests, and suspiciously young demon queens, stared unblinking from the shelves. There was even a Dakimakura (body pillow) of a silver-haired anime girl in a wedding dress leaning against the corner of his bed.

The silence that followed was heavy and suffocating.

“…So,” Evangeline said, her voice dry. “This is the place where human dignity comes to crawl and die.”

Issei flinched.

Kaguya raised a silken sleeve to cover the lower half of her face, her eyes radiating a pure, unfiltered disgust. “Unbelievable. You don't sleep in a bedroom, husband. You reside within a cathedral of perversion.”

“I-It's not that bad!” Issei defended, arms out like he was shielding his prized possessions from incoming fire. “Please! Just leave it alone!”

Nyaruko tilted her head, finger on her lip. “Darling, is this how you express love? Through… figurines?”

“L-Look, I-it’s just part of my collection! My personal treasure trove! You can’t just—!”

But it was too late, the trio was already on the move.

Kaguya daintily stepped over a pile of gaming magazines. She extended two fingers, plucking a DVD case from the shelf as if she were handling a used tissue found in a gutter. “Big Bouncy Onee-chan Adventures: Volume 7.” She read aloud, her tone deadpan. She turned the case over, her eyebrow twitching at the cover art. “Husband. Explain the 'narrative necessity' of this... anatomical impossibility.”

“I—uh—look, the protagonist has a really deep emotional arc in Episode 4! It’s about... finding your place in the world! Through, uh, support!”

Kaguya let the DVD drop into a pile of laundry with a look of supreme loathing. “This chamber is unfit for a Daughter of the Moon. If I am to reside within these walls, this filth must be purged. It is an affront to my aesthetic.”

Nyaruko nodded with terrifying enthusiasm, her eyes gleaming with a predatory light. “Kaguya-chan is right! You won’t need these flat, 2D pretenders anymore, darling! You’ve got a real-life waifu, that’ll pose in any outfit you want! Maid! Bunny girl! Spaceship commander! I can even grow extra limbs if that’s your 'niche'~!”

“THAT’S NOT THE POINT—!” But he was ignored.

Evangeline walked to the center of the room and snapped her fingers. A spark of black-and-silver magic flickered at her literal fingertips. “We’ll clear the desk,” Evangeline commanded, her voice sounding like the start of an execution. “Incinerate the magazines. Sanitize the shelves. And for the love of all that is unholy, burn that pillow.”

“NOOOOOOOOO!” Issei lunged for his dakimakura, clutching the polyester waifu to his chest. “NOT THE WEDDING VERSION! ANYTHING BUT THE WEDDING VERSION!”

Kaguya pointed a commanding finger toward the teen. “Your 'treasures' are officially confiscated, peasant. We shall begin the remodeling... instantly.”

—----------------------------------

An hour later, the bedroom had undergone what could only be described as a Holy Purge.

The gravure idols had been stripped from the walls. The DVD towers had vanished into heavy-duty trash bags. The legendary wedding-dress body pillow had been ceremonially exorcised with a combination of salt and a brief, enthusiastic burst from Nyaruko’s space-grade flamethrower. 

Unbeknownst to the others, Nyaruko had managed to slip a few of Issei’s "Limited Edition" items into her pocket dimension. ‘For scientific research into Darling’s specific fetishes,’ She reasoned, her ahoge twitching with devious intent.

Issei sat in the center of the now-sparkling floor, curled into a pathetic fetal position. A single tear tracked through the dust on his cheek. “My precious... my life's work... all gone.”

Miki peeked through the doorway, her smile blindingly bright. “Issei, sweetie! It looks and smells so much better now! It doesn't smell like... old socks and sadness anymore!”

“THAT’S NOT THE POINT, MOM!”

Gorou popped up behind her, giving a firm thumbs-up. “Nonsense you’ve graduated to real girls now, son! I always knew you had it in you! I’m proud!”

Eva stepped over Issei’s broken spirit like she was avoiding a puddle. “Enough whimpering. The trash has been cleared; now we will address the reason for you being chosen.”

Issei lifted his face just enough to blink at her, his eyes red-rimmed. “You... still actually care about why I have this system?”

Kaguya nodded, her expression unyielding. “Absolutely. You’re an anomaly. A commoner with the luck of a dead man, yet you hold a tether to the Great Mother. You are a riddle that needs solving.”

“A particularly dim-witted riddle,” Evangeline added under her breath.

Issei groaned, rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling. “Fine. What am I even supposed to do? I don't have a manual for this.”

Eva crouched beside him, plucking a stray cushion from the bed and dropping it in front of him with a soft thud. “Sit. Cross your legs. Clear your mind. We are going to perform a deep scan of your body and soul. And I will need you to meditate"

“Uh... I don’t know how to meditate? My mind is never clear. It’s usually 40% math homework and 60%... well, you saw the posters.”

Kaguya sighed, a sound of profound disappointment. “Honestly. You didn’t even attempt it. The sheer lack of discipline is offensive.”

“I was busy crying!”

“Shut up and sit,” Eva commanded with a glare. The room’s temperature dropped three degrees.

Issei complied and scrambled into a seated position, folding his legs into a clumsy lotus knot.

“Back straight.” Kaguya corrected.

“I feel ridiculous. Is this going to hurt?” 

“Clear your mind,” Kaguya continued, frustrated.

Nyaruko sat cross-legged behind Issei, mimicking his pose but holding her hands in a perfect heart shape instead of a mudra over his head. “Oooooooommm! Grant my darling the wisdom to realize I’m the only girl he needs!”

Issei tried. He breathed. ‘Inhale… exhale… don’t think about your destroyed DVD collection… don’t think about your figurines suffering in a trash bag outside…’

“Stop whimpering,” Eva snapped.

“I’M NOT!”

“You’re ruining the atmosphere,” Kaguya added.

Nyaruko poked him on the cheek. “Want me to hum anime openings to soothe you~?”

The two ancient immortal women groaned in unison.

Eva finally pinched the bridge of her nose. “This is going to be harder than I thought.”

Issei sat uncomfortably on the cushion, legs numb, arms limp at his sides. But soon he was able to find peace as he closed his eyes.

Evangeline took a breath, her composure returning. Her fingers began to move, weaving through the air with liquid elegance. Red and blue light began to bleed from her fingertips, knitting together into a complex, glowing magic circle. Kaguya stood opposite her, eyes half-lidded in concentration. Nyaruko sat cross-legged behind Issei, watching with a suspicious pout on her face.

“Beginning full resonance scan,” Evageline murmured, her voice echoing unnaturally in the small space.

Kaguya’s hands mirrored the movement. “Synchronization complete. Soul exposure in progress. Anchoring the 'Instant' to stabilize the host. Soul exposure in progress.”

Nyaruko’s ahoge twitched violently. Her playful demeanor vanished for a split second, replaced by a sharp, predatory focus. “You better not break anything inside my precious Darling~! I just got him, and he didn't come with a warranty or a spare soul!”

Evangeline scoffed, her concentration unbroken. “I’m not an amateur. His brain will remain mostly un-scrambled.”

“And if we do break something,” Kaguya added with terrifying calm, “I can simply revert his body to its default state.”

The room filled with a low thrumming sound as magic circles appeared and pulsed brighter. Runic glyphs spun around Issei, scanning deeper, past skin, muscle, and bone, into the strange well of energy at his core.

Minutes passed in agonizing, quiet stillness. The magic circles hummed with a low, monotonous drone.

“...He’s normal,” Kaguya finally declared, her voice dripping with a feeling of being underwhelmed. “Utterly, frustratingly average.”

Evangeline’s brow furrowed, her blue eyes scanning the magic circles. “No irregular arcane flow. No divine anchors. Not even a sealed curse to make things interesting..”

The light of the circles flickered. Once. Twice. Then, the sapphire and gold geometry groaned and shattered. The magic didn't dissipate; it curdled, exploding into a violent, spiraling helix of red and black chaos that clawed at the walls.

“What the hell?!” Evangeline shouted, her stoic mask tearing as she threw up a barrier.

“Impossible! This resonance is—!” Kaguya didn’t get to finish as she shielded her face.

The room roared to life as an earth-shaking dragon’s bellow thundered through the walls. The glass of Issei’s window shattered violently, showering the room in glittering shards. The floor trembled. The magic circles convulsed, unable to contain the presence that had been sleeping deep within.

The pressure was physical, a tidal wave of red heat that threw all three girls back. They were tossed like dolls, slammed against the walls and rolling across the carpet as the "Average Student" became the epicenter of a volcanic spiritual eruption.

Issei’s eyes shot open, glowing a brief, terrifying crimson before fading. He bolted upright, gasping for air as if he’d just surfaced from a deep ocean. “Wh-What the hell?! Did a bomb go off?!”

The room was a disaster zone of lingering smoke and sizzling sparks. Issei’s panic overrode his confusion as he spotted a small, blonde figure unmoving near the closest. Panic flooded him. He rushed forward, heart hammering, and dropped to his knees beside her, his hands shaking as he gently lifted her head, cradling her petite frame against his chest “Eva?! Are you okay?! Please don’t be dead, I literally just met you!”

Evangeline’s eyes fluttered open. They were unfocused, the piercing blue replaced by a dazed mist. “...You’re... holding me,” She whispered.

“Y-Yeah, you fainted or got hit—I don’t know—are you hurt? Does anything feel broken?”

‘Why does he sound so sincere? I’m a vampire. We’ve known each other less than a day. Why is he—?’ She blinked, her brain catching up to her surroundings. Her pupils refocused on his face—too close, too warm, too sincere.

Evangeline blinked, her brain struggling to reboot. ‘What... is this strange feeling? He looks like an idiot. But his eyes... Is he worried for me? Me?’ As she continued to look up at his face, a heat that had nothing to do with magic flooded her cheeks. Her heart, which usually beat with the slow rhythm of the centuries, gave a traitorous thump. She then suddenly shoved him back with a stiff palm to his chest, scrambling to her feet. “Don’t get the wrong idea!” She snapped, her voice cracking slightly. “I don’t need your clumsy, human concern! If you touch me again, I’ll turn your arms into popsicles!”

Issei fell back with a grunt, rubbing his ribs. “Geez, fine! Sorry for caring if you were alive!”

Evangeline turned away, one hand pressed firmly against her glowing cheek. The blush refused to fade, a stubborn stain on her pale skin.

Across the room, a familiar, giddy voice came out. “WHAT A RUSH~!” Nyaruko’s laughter rang out from the corner. She sat up, her silver hair singed at the tips, looking like she’d just stepped off a rollercoaster. “I haven’t felt a vibe like that since I headbutted a Psychic Shroom in the Seventh Nebula!”

Issei turned. “You’re okay?”

“Better than okay!” She giggled, hopping to her feet. “Darling’s got a dragon inside him! Rawr~!”

A few feet away, Kaguya groaned, her eyes spinning in opposite directions. She clutched her head as her senses tried to realign. “Wh-What was that... that pressure?”

“Are you okay Kaguya?” Issei asked, worried, about to reach out to her.

But then Kaguya’s body glowed with a faint, silvery light as she used her time-manipulation to anchor her own equilibrium. She stood up, dusting off her kimono with a sharp, smug snap of the fabric.

“I’m fine,” She said stiffly, dusting herself off. “But whatever is coiled inside your soul, Husband, is not normal.”

“No kidding,” Issei muttered. “What even was that?”

Nyaruko giggled again. “Darling’s got a sexy soul-beast hiding inside.”

Kaguya, now sitting upright on his bed, looked far too pleased with herself. A soft, smug smile spread across her face. “Well, I suppose this confirms it,” she said, voice light but dripping with superiority. “My husband is indeed special.”

Issei then looked around. His bed had been knocked sideways, his wall had cracks around it, and the shattered window whistled faintly in the breeze.

Then realization struck.

“MY ROOM! MY ROOM’S DESTROYED! HOW AM I GONNA FIX THIS?! MOM’S GONNA KILL ME!” He staggered to his feet, flailing his arms in a panic that eclipsed the dragon-revelation.

Kaguya rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers.

A ripple of golden light spread from her hand, expanding outward like a reverse explosion. n a beautiful, silent blur, the walls knitted back together. The bed slid into place. The shards of glass lifted from the carpet, flying back into the frame and fusing into a seamless, transparent pane. The room was more than fixed; it was pristine. Not a speck of dust remained.

Issei, seeing this, immediately dropped to his knees, bowing so low his forehead hit the floor. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, O Great Moon Goddess!”

Kaguya huffed proudly, folding her arms beneath her nonexistent chest. “It is expected of me. It is your greatest fortune to have a wife so competent. Now, stand up. We have business.”

Evangeline, who was still avoiding eye-contact with Issei, turned to him with a deadly serious expression. “Hyoudou. Did you truly have no idea there was a dragon sleeping in your soul?”

Issei blinked, still half-bowed. “Huh? A dragon? Like... fire-breathing, treasure-hoarding dragon? Inside me?”

“A dragon,” Eva repeated, standing up. “Yes, it's sleeping inside your soul. Powerful. Ancient. And currently, incomplete,” 

Issei pointed at himself, wide-eyed, still not a believer. “Inside me is a dragon?!”

Kaguya nodded, adjusting her sleeves elegantly. “That must be the reason the system chose you. No doubt that thing inside you is connected to some deep, cosmic power.”

Nyaruko leaned against his back, her chin resting on his shoulder, grinning ear to ear. “Ufufu! I knew it! My darling is special with secret powers! So cool~!”

Issei groaned, falling onto his back once more. “Why do I feel like I’m the only one surprised by this…”

Evangeline crouched beside his head, her gaze sharp. “Now that we’ve confirmed it, we need to somehow unlock it. If we’re bound to your life-force, then your survival is our primary objective.”

“Huh?”

Kaguya stepped forward, crossing her arms. “Indeed. If we are bound to you, then your survival directly impacts ours. The sooner you gain control of your power, the longer we all stay alive.”

Nyaruko raised her hand like she was volunteering for class. “And the sooner I get to see you do cool moves in slow-motion shirtless fight scenes!”

Issei stared at them. “Wait… you want me to train?”

“Obviously,” Eva said flatly. “Starting tomorrow.”

Kaguya nodded. “Proper spiritual conditioning. Magic resistance. Possibly even chi realignment if necessary.  I shall also oversee your etiquette and mental fortitude.”

Issei sighed and then checked the window, only to pause as he found it to be night time. The adrenaline was fading, leaving his body feeling like lead. “Crap. It’s already night…” He stood and stretched, his body finally feeling the weight of the day’s madness. “Alright, alright, training starts tomorrow. But I’ve got school in the morning.” He turned to the girls, suddenly aware of a very important issue. “Right, we also have a bigger problem. Sleeping arrangements.””

The three girls turned to him, their expressions ranging from expectant to predatory.

“I’ll sleep in the guest room. You three can take the bed in here.”

Kaguya’s brow twitched. “This is the chamber you offer to royalty? Small, cramped, and recently smelled of a teenaged boy’s desperation?”

“It’s clean now!” Issei squeaked.

Kaguya sighed but relented. “Fine. I suppose even a floor fit for peasants can be a bed for a moon princess.”

Evangeline simply stood up and dusted off her dress. “I don’t sleep. I’ll go to the living room and take the couch. I want to see what kind of mindless 'entertainment' this century has to offer.”

Nyaruko beamed, her eyes sparkling. “And I’ll sleep wherever Darling sleeps~!”

Issei raised a brow. “You’re staying in here.”

Nyaruko pouted, her silver ahoge drooping into a sad question mark. “Fiiiiine. But I want the left side of the bed.”

“You’re not getting the bed!” Kaguya retorted.

“I’m already in the bed~!” Nyaruko sang, having already teleported under the covers.

—----------------------------

Eventually, after a surprisingly calm and suspiciously quiet goodnight, Issei beat a hasty retreat. He practically crawled out of his own bedroom, his shoulders slumping with the weight of a man who had survived the impossible.

He made his way down the hall to the guest room, every floorboard creak sounding like a victory march. The moment he collapsed onto the thin futon, the sheer, bone-deep exhaustion of the day hit him like a freight train.

‘Finally...’ he thought, burying his face in the pillow. ‘Just me, a blanket, and blessed, beautiful peace.’ He shut his eyes, letting his muscles turn to lead, sinking into the first tendrils of sleep.

One minute passed until he felt it. Something soft, warm, and distinctly curvy wrapped around his torso with the grip of a professional wrestler. A shock of silver hair tickled his nose, and the scent of ozone and expensive shampoo filled the air.

“Darling You’re warm” Nyaruko cooed as she cuddled with Issei’s body.

Issei’s eyes snapped open, his heart nearly jumping out of his throat. “NYARUKO?!”

“Shhh~” She giggled, snuggling closer and hooking a leg over his. “The night is for lovers and eldritch horrors. Let’s cuddle until the sun implodes!!”

Issei scrambled to sit up, but she was stuck to him like glue. When he finally had a good look at her it was revealed that she was wearing a pair of bright yellow pajamas covered in cartoonish, multi-eyed monsters, something she had clearly manifested out of thin air just to look "appropriate" for a sleepover.

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE SLEEPING IN MY ROOM!”

Nyaruko looked up at him, her green eyes sparkling with a predatory, affectionate glint. “I lied~♥. A tactical deception to lure the prey into a sense of false security! Now, lay back down and fulfill your duty as a pillow!”

Issei stared at the ceiling, the flickering shadows of the hallway mocking him. ‘I’m not getting any sleep, am I?’

—--------------------------

Meanwhile, back in the darkened living room, the flickering blue light of the television illuminated the face of the Vampire Witch.

Evangeline sat with her legs folded neatly under her, a bowl of buttery popcorn, stolen from the pantry, balanced in her lap. Her gaze was glued to the screen, her blue eyes reflecting the chaotic movements of a group of crying socialites on a tropical island.

“...So, the one in the pink dress is 'cheating' on the one with the hair gel, but the one with the hair gel is actually a 'secret influencer'?” Evangeline whispered to the empty room, her voice a mix of profound intellectual insult and genuine, riveted fascination.

She took a slow, methodical crunch of a popcorn kernel.

“This reality show is significantly dumber than any torture method I devised in the fourteenth century,” She murmured, leaning closer as a dramatic "To Be Continued" flashed on the screen. “I absolutely love it. I'm never leaving this couch.”

Done with this remastered version. Tell me what you think and if I made any mistakes.

Host: Issei Hyoudou Title: Aspiring Harem King / The Dragon’s Vessel / "Pillow" (Temporary) Current "Luck" Modifier: D-Rank (Slightly improved due to surviving the resonance scan)

—-----------------------------------------

Host Statistics

Vitality: 65/100 (Restored by Kaguya’s magic, but mentally exhausted)

Mana/Energy: STIRRING (Sacred Gear: Active but undiscovered)

Aura: Perverted and a faint emerald pressure now leaks from his soul.

—-----------------------------------

The Summoned Harem (Current Roster)

1. NYARUKO (The Crawling Chaos)

Origin: Haiyore! Nyaruko-san

Class: Eldritch Alien Cop

Love Meter: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ (101% - Maximum Fixation / OBSESSIVE)

Specialty: Space-time manipulation, close combat, extreme physical affection.

Current Status: Currently glomping Issei in the guest room.

Note: Is 100% consensual, but 200% terrifying.

2. KAGUYA HOURAISAN (The Eternal Princess)

Origin: Touhou Project

Class: Immortal Lunarian Aristocrat 

Love Meter: ❤️🖤🖤🖤🖤 (18% - Bonding)

Specialty: Manipulation of the "Eternity and the Instant," 

Current Status: Sleeping in Issei’s bedroom. She acknowledges Issei is "Special," though she still views his "Oppai" obsession as a peasant’s ailment.

Note: Extremely smug about being "Immortalized" in Japanese folklore

3. EVANGELINE A.K. McDOWELL (The Calamity Witch)

Origin: Mahou Sensei Negima! / UQ Holder!

Class: Shinso Vampire / Witch / Master of Ice

Love Meter: ❤️🖤🖤🖤🖤 (12% - FLUSTERED)

Specialty: High-tier Ice Magic, puppet-mastery, centuries of combat experience.

Current Status: Currently on the living room couch, deeply invested in The Bachelor.

Note:Is pretending she felt nothing when Issei held her after the explosion.