pine tree cosplay part 2 (Patreon)

many of you probably already know this, if only because i have surely mentioned it in some other post here, but i have a special ability-- namely, i convert negative emotions into physical pain... whether i want to or not. i guess it's like a passive or something that way. i know that this has helped me get through some difficult things in the past, but most of the time it's just annoying-- or on a bad day it can approach crippling.

these kinds of things are called psychosomatic disorders, word root referring to interplay of mind and body. in my case, it's probably something close to Tension Myositis Syndrome wherein the brain causes physical pain as a way to remain unaware of those negative feelings--
in short, it's a mechanism of emotional dissociation. those of you who have been around for a while will remember that a couple years ago I had to step back from development for a couple months because it got so bad that I couldn't click a mouse. That was when this was at its peak, and what lead me to researching and becoming aware of it.

That month was undoubtedly the worst of my life. The pain mostly circulates in the back and arms/hands-- and considering that pretty much everything I do is on the computer, not being able to use my hands was terrifying. I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to work on my games again, let alone play or enjoy any.
At the time, I thought that was my worst fear.

Fortunately I was able to learn more about the problem, including how to combat it by actively acknowledging and addressing the feelings at its root. And as you know, that worked, since here I am. It hasn't been 100%. As I'd normally say, I can still notice that pain is there on most days-- but it's not enough to concern me. 

But for the time being it was fine. I began to understand I was suppressing a lot of feelings, especially around Reborn since that was the time where I cut out all of my other hobbies for the sake of working on the game 100% of the time I could do so because I felt I was taking too long. Go figure I had to ignore a lot of my own feelings in order to do that. Even now it's a little too easy for me to do so, but I know there's a backlash when I do. What matter is that I understand the issue and how to deal with it.

...That is, normally. In truth, the past few months have been pretty difficult. It's gotten a lot worse recently and my usual strategies haven't been especially effective. So there's obviously something going on with me that I don't really understand, and I've been in therapy for it for the last several months as a result (psychotherapy is the primary medical recommendation for this syndrome) so I maintain necessary hope that I'll break through it sooner or later. I refuse to bow to this.

Then again, there's always the "what if?" What if resolution of will isn't enough? What if I can't beat it for good? For the past couple days it's hurt pretty significantly to sit, stand, walk, or lay down on my front or back. The only comfortable position is on my side. There's a thought like, if I don't find a way over this, am I just never going to be able to sleep any other way anymore?
Of course, I'm only 25 now, so that's unlikely... but if this keeps going for another five years, or ten? I can be quite sure in my spritely youth that whatever pain I have is just my mind being an actual child brat, but if it crosses over later on-- is it that, or is it arthritis setting in? Did I actually throw my spine out this time??? That paranoia will only cross over and get worse.

But as I discovered one morning a couple months ago that that is also not actually my worst fear.

I had woken up from a nightmare, and I can't remember much about the dream itself, but I remember that right at the end of the dream I had shouted, "I don't even want to make games anymore!"
And that terrified me. 

I think it had been because of the pain. I'm used to this pain being a result of pushing myself too hard, so I've learned to back off when I feel rushed, take breaks, etc... Sometimes those breaks are a few days. I have to stop myself from working when I feel I "should" rather than because I want to. And that pain was a signal that I needed a break because I was only working by suppressing some emotion or another. No bueno. 

So this is the opposite extreme-- when, because of that pain, and being too quick to take breaks for the sake of avoiding it-- I stop working on them altogether.
Because of this dream, I was beyond panicked and worried that I had already reached that point because of this: a point where I no longer wanted to do the thing that mattered most to me.

For that day, and possibly much of the day after too, I was crying pretty much every time I remembered the dream. I genuinely was not okay. 

Because games are all I have-- or creating things is. If I'm not doing at least something every few days then I start to feel like my life has no meaning and I actively decompose into the void. It's been a passion pretty much all my life and-- well the practical reason; you all are here and it's my job now. Losing that would suck harder than a freshly bloomed black hole. It's so core to me, I wouldn't know who I am without it.

The conclusion I eventually came to was this-- I definitely have not lost my passion. It hasn't gone anywhere. Sometimes it gets buried by the pain, or by other stress, but as long as I'm still here, so is it.
Maybe saying that becomes a reminder for the future. But I hope it doesn't need to.

But I am Gastly afraid of that flame going out one day. Be it because of this-- or of some other reason.
And I've already seen it happen once. 

I've talked sparingly about my mother, perhaps. What I likely have not mentioned is that she used to be a musician-- a pretty impressive one, too. In addition to signing she could play and teach twenty one different instruments. For most of her early life music was her calling and her escape. I was raised around that too.

My mother does not play music anymore.

If I have mentioned my mother, I have probably mentioned that she is disabled. she has myalgic encaphalomitis, which is an autoimmune condition that causes perpetual tiredness and an inability to undertake physical tasks. Before I was born, she was sleeping 22 hours a day. Somehow my birth threw her symptoms into remission, and lucky that so she was able to raise me as a single mother. but that relief was only temporary, as since I was a child it has been in a continual decline. Today, she still spends most of her time in bed, since just going up the stairs can take all of her energy. And if she pushes herself too hard, which she often does because she cares about her projects, she backlashes hard in the form of debilitating chronic pain.
Well, that sounds familiar.
Unfortunately many doctors don't think ME is a real condition, so she has stopped relying on doctos who don't listen to her. She's tried just about every alternative and nutritional approach to treating it, and she's a lot more functional than most other people with the disorder... but that's not saying much. 

My grandfather took the opposite direction. If you've ever played Borderlands' DLC, you might know General Knoxx. he's basically exactly knoxx, appearance, personality and all. unlike general knoxx, he also has a chronic pain condition.  he's had many surgeries for it and tried all kinds of pain killers and anything else the doctors could recommend, even up to the point that he had a pain pump surgically embedded into his spine to directly dispense morphine to his system whenever he needed it.
a few months later, he became allergic to morphine.
they switched to a different pain medication. it also worked at first.
...and then a few months later, his body became allergic to that too, causing him to nearly go blind.

Maybe it's just coincidence, but unfortunately, chronic pain seems to run in our family.
So even though I can say something cocky and youthful like "I refuse to bow to this," when I look to the other cases and examples that are relevant to me-- someone who's pain took her passion, and someone who's proved that everything modern health care can offer still isn't good enough-- well... it's not encouraging.
In fact, it makes me even more scared.

Admittedly, there is one thing I have that they don't.
All of you.
...And in this case, I'm not referring to you guys just as patrons, but as everyone in Reborn or out of it who gives half a shit about me.
I don't know that there's really a practical benefit to it, except perhaps more readily-available communication and support, should I need it,
(also I don't have to climb stairs to do what I need to...)
But even so, it's easier to fight knowing that everyone's behind me. 

So, thanks for having my back.
And-- not that I think I would-- but don't you dare let me give up on beating this.