pine tree cosplay part 3 (last one i swear) (Patreon)

so my goal in writing these posts was since i've now been here for a year, to take a look at where i am now vs where i've been and turn that into gratitude-- that was part 1. the second thing i wanted to do was talk about some plans for the future as far as patreon is concerned... and yesterday's post was kind of a lead-in to that. 

so that might be a nerve-wracking sentence especially after the email i understand patreon sent out yesterday about changing fee structures and whatever... believe me, it was much as surprise to me as it was to you guys. ...anyway, i'll start with the end:

basically, i'm going to pull the daily/weekly/monthly stipulation from my promises for rewards. i still intend to post and stream regularly (once we're back into normal development) but i'm not making that a promise to hold myself too.

those of you who joined up last winter will remember that was how it started-- and back then, even though posts weren't listed as daily, it was still something i was putting pressure on myself to meet. because i just thought, that would probably be the bare minimum expected for having a patreon. why wouldn't i do it?

i have since been told by various people that that is a little much to expect. and also, many of you know that i talked about potentially doing this in the past... and although certainly not much has been going during this long winter of eternal testing, i have been keenly aware of every day i have not posted.

but placing that pressure on myself isn't really worth it, firstly in terms of what i discussed yesterday with a lot of my chronic pain having come from pushing myself too hard... and arguably more importantly, in terms of mental focus. it's counter-productive to development to worry about if i'll have something to post the next day. i'd rather just let it go and let myself focus.

also, i firmly believe that one should spend more time doing something than they spend talking about doing that something.
and as far as developing reborn goes-- well i'm still probably fine for that, but i'd like to tip the scales a little further.

and also i'd like to break up my schedule.
i really hate schedules. i've tried a million different ones to increase productivity but it always ends up like i'm forcing myself to do things and i burn out. no thanks.
patreon is not much of a schedule already, but i make posting here the first thing i do each morning... nevertheless my posts sometimes have a 4 hour range because i get caught up with my mom's stuff... details...
...but it is the most scheduled, reliable thing i do aside from sleeping... well no, i'm not good at keeping sleep schedules... and taking my meds... actually i keep sleeping through  my alarm for those too... awkward.

so for me, this is just a matter of re-focusing myself on what matters

that said, i'm glad that i did this for a year... well, if we count testing, it was a year. because of that, i've gotten a good sense of what kind of things i can post and stream* and I feel confident that even if I'm not holding myself to daily posts/weekly streams I'll still have plenty to put here for you guys, since the last thing I want to do is be distant.

* mostly. i'll be making a poll tomorrow that i've mentioned a couple times, about how y'all feel the things i've posted and streamed have impacted your experience of E17, in terms of feeling spoiled and that kind of thing. that'll seal the deal.

One of the people I look up to most in this world is Amanda Palmer. If you haven't heard of her, she's a musician who does some pretty rad things and stuff, and was one half of the Dresden Dolls.. actually all of the people I look up to most are musicians. I wonder if that has something to do with my mother. Hum.

Anyway, one of the things I admire most about her is her ability to be so flagrantly open about literally everything. There are a lot of adjectives I could put there-- earnest, assertive, genuine, engaging-- but i'll just lump them under one four letter umbrella. Because I think... or I guess I should say I've learned from her (and others) that it's impossible to really connect with people -- yes, i'm talking about you-- without taking that to the elevens.

Well, I'm not really one of those outspoken, take-no-prisoners, this-is-who-i-am-and-if-you-don't-like-it-then-fuck-you types. Speaking directly doesn't come naturally. Neither does speaking about myself, let alone my personal needs. I'm the kind of person who's more likely to sit quietly in the corner and not say anything until she can just dismiss herself.

But I can improve.
I've been improving, in fact.
So that's been a focus for me in the past year too. 

Yesterday's post was a step toward that. Although I'm sure I have mentioned it here and there, I've mostly avoided talking about it because I haven't wanted to come off as just complaining, or venting, or making excuses for why development isn't faster, or why am I really missing the daily post again?

But that's not right.
I'm not an employee apologizing to her boss.
That's not really how this goes; it's more personal than that, I think. 

One of the things Amanda Palmer talks about in her book is how important it is for her to talk to her fans after her shows. She writes about how she always stays crazy hours into the night to handle all the people in line for an autograph and talk to them.
Because just showing up, doing her show, and then going on her way without talking to anyone just feels... bad. She likens it to sex without the aftercuddle. And I get that.

So... talking to you all, is probably my version of cuddling.
If I don't keep a loop of communication with you guys at least, yeah, it gets awkward. I don't know what's what.
So that's why even without the timing piece, these posts will probably still be fairly regular. Because it's something for me too.

Yesterday was me catching you guys up and putting that on the table. Whereas I have, for the most part tried to keep posts here to strictly game development, it's possible I'll make more personally oriented posts in the future.
Or well, it's all crossed over anyway.
So who knows what the difference is, really?

Either way, I hope you'll stay to cuddle.