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some lingering thoughts (Patreon)

Published:
2024-04-03 08:45:29
Edited:
2024-04-10 17:55:20
Imported:
2026-10
Tags:

Content

I have to confess some things. I had the script for SWFTD beta'd last year by some editors that were a lot older, and a lot more experienced than me. I wanted to avoid the common pitfalls of contemporary stories by getting the perspective of an older generation, and I came to some realizations that kind of fucked me up. None of the feedback was bad, the criticism helped me to address major problems in the script. It feels like the structure of the story is a lot stronger now, but I started to mentally and emotionally decline since then, more than ever before. Some of you who have been around since the beginning know about the past posts I've made talking about this. I'm beginning to think it might be permanent fixture of my life that I have to cope with.

Part of the decline was because I moved far away from my family to force myself to adapt to living alone and being more independent. The other part of it was realizing that yes, the world has changed in ways that have dramatically reduced the quality of life for a lot of people, but so what? So what if I'm aware of that and I want to write a story about people fighting against it? I felt like I made this big discovery about life, and the response to finding out these truths was "welcome to reality."

I've felt a strong sense of nihilism since that. I started playing the new update for Stardew Valley recently and I got really emotional looking at how the creator designed the town. No one, not even the homeless guy Linus, was alone. The Wizard lives next to Leah and Marnie's family. Linus lives next to Robin's family and the adventurer duo near the mines. The blacksmith Clint lives next to the Gunther at the Museum, Elliot is next to Willy at the beach, and so on and so forth. Everyone's always present on the holidays and special events. It's so wholesome and how healthy, thriving communities should be, and I just have never experienced that.

I have some neighbors that I have good relationship with. I occasionally bring flowers to an older woman since I don't see my mom anymore, and I also bring food and liquor to her husband because they've helped me out a lot. They never expect the gifts, but I keep doing it because it feels like I'm fostering a sense of community, even if it's with a single household. The importance of community and human connection is so vital to a well adjusted society, but growing up, I see it less and less. People are so disconnected, families are broken, newer generations are increasingly becoming atomized, and it just makes me feel really sad.

I've refrained from sharing these thoughts and feelings because it's my duty to provide escapism and comforting content from the crazy world we're living in. It's just getting tougher and from what I understand, even mental health professionals are feeling the effects of all of this. I've been losing some weight and attempting to make myself more presentable to keep myself afloat, but it feels like the cracks are starting to show. I don't know...can you sense it from my work? I was thinking of pausing the Patreon [no charges/ not accepting payments] for a month to get myself together, but I'm afraid I'll spiral if I stop now.I'm going to share a few more songs here just because~Nameless Song - Dark Souls Soundtrack

Song of the Ancients - NieR:Replicant 【Live Cover】

"And what if I can't? What if I'm not worthy of her ideals?" - Fire Emblem Awakening

Keyshia Cole - Love (Alt. Version) (Official Music Video)

Playboi Carti - 9 AM in Calabasas (prod by adrian)(slowed and reverb)

Travis Scott - SDP Interlude | Spiderman: Into The Spiderverse [AMV/Edit] (FLASH WARNING)

Miguel O'Hara is so hot, just saying lol

Files

music to make your brain shut up

[ spotify playlist ] https://spoti.fi/3F6OHQK [ patreon ] https://www.patreon.com/nobodyplaylists [ discord server ] https://discord.gg/4arx7yvGHP [ picture credits ] foggy forest by andrey zaslavsky, 2009 | https://bit.ly/3to9QD7 [ timestamps ] / (author/s) 00:00 they won't leave (unworn) credits | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=905Ih7kHMRU 03:53 far bellow (ephraim lovelace) credits | https://youtu.be/QX9LAKfYs-E?si=f9X4sE-g25LGlEI5 07:59 space 11 (unworn) credits | https://youtu.be/sEovQr9fWws?si=Jr6CQMWDcwtaQrJm 11:26 everyone is asleep, except you 'deep version' (nowt) credits | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8MpJmF5yew 19:56 held breeze (mount shrine) credits | https://youtu.be/3DAq8iaBPlE?si=NcrQCEsFwoZJOv1N 25:51 farewell (ephraim lovelace) credits | https://youtu.be/tpcnmCHXKQw?si=XpIXgQopjf0lpbLb 27:59 after the silence (unworn) credits | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBkg-fVxCqM 32:33 rhubarb (aphex twin) [paul g. stewart] credits | https://youtu.be/WRYmuOOUPbk?si=BHW_CHT_p7fUCo2h 40:24 idk 'slowed and reverbed' (daniel.mp3) credits | https://youtu.be/cYX2VJpKqY0?si=1Rqnbegwp21getDC 43:10 it will find its way (flow3rkap) credits | https://youtu.be/a6ndyG7A4Pg?si=Elodl95TCS1JGyZj 47:31 were you ever here? (qvest) credits | https://youtu.be/bFM9I2FK5Xs?si=8GnCEIFc3nzYR7gu 49:10 missing (dxpelouis) credits | https://youtu.be/EKJmrPyUdhc?si=XPMFPRxvStAdYjjU 51:37 absolute depth (nowt) credits | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqWzS6odfV4 53:59 fluorescence (nowt) credits | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqWzS6odfV4 57:35 mariana trench (nowt) credits | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqWzS6odfV4 [ copyright ] all rights to the original owners, i don't own any music or images used in this video [ tags ] #ambientmusic #sleepaid

Comments

Amber

Babe. If you need to take some time, THEN TAKE IT. You deserve to decompress, especially if youre feeling "out of body" which is what I call it. The pressure of life can get to anyone, especially when youre far away from family. If you need to talk outside of this, you know Im here for you and if you want ill DM my number so we can talk. I love you, and I dont want you to feel like a raw exposed nerve. Your work is beautiful, but it also would not be disappointing if you actually took a real break just to disconnect from the tragedy of earth. We've all been there. Take your time to breathe. 💗

justjei

Hi author! You should do whatever it would help you get through. Life is a living shit, and things will be more of a turmoil if it gets put aside. I, or we, may not know what is going on your private life but, whatever it is, you will persevere. You are not alone and you have our support always ✨

Nici Pods

Take the time if you need it but you can find different places to find your tribe. Google if there is a poetry slam near or an open mic, I understand the feeling of being alone and disconnected but looking for other beings who are liked minded and want to connect will be a game changer. Open mics are usually once a week or so and you can make time to go and build yourself up to that routine. Depending on where you are, going to local farmers markets have a lot of people who want to chat and engage with you. Invite your neighbors or go alone. Find your tribe, they are out there

ajoji_comic

Thanks so much Amber 💗I'm not sure if I'm ready to open up that much yet, but I really appreciate you being willing to hear me out. I'm seriously considering it, but idk if I'm ready yet. I'm thinking of trying to do as many pages as I can this month and pause patreon charges next month to really reflect on things.

ajoji_comic

Hi~ I really appreciate it 💗 I'm thinking of focusing on the runner up subject for the last poll and do some main story pages this month, before taking a break next month.

ajoji_comic

I don't think I'm cut out for any on stage performances, but I do think I need to get out more. I'm thinking of trying to do more activities that allow me to be around people, without the pressure to engage like going out for a picnic or drawing in a park where there are other families or people with their pets. Just get some sun and still feel somewhat like I'm part of the community.

Levi Nightmore

Life is hard. You are not some mindless robot making content, you are human and allowed to feel the thing you do. It helps to understand that life sometimes gets in the way of things we love or we sink deeper in a headspace that might not be so healthy. Take time if you need whether its a week or a month, we will be here supporting your journey wherever that may take you.

Kelly Bissinger

I can understand your fear. You have momentum and it's allowed you to continue creating even when you don't feel 100%. But you should take time for yourself. I wish it was different, however, you would not be the first artist I have supported that needed a hiatus. What you do, creating beautiful art for us to experience and live in takes an immense amount of work. Take all the time you need. We will still be here when you get back.

Victoria

From one author to another, let me tell you that you’re not alone. The struggle that you’re going through is one that we all fight. The key is balance. However, finding that balance is tricky at best. I’ve been doing this for a very long time and I still find it difficult. I’m not near any family either so I understand the sense of loneliness and that loss of connection you’re talking about. But that communication and healthy community you’re building with the one family is beautiful. There is no size limit on your “tribe”. Make it as big or small as you want. What matters is that it’s meaningful and the people you surround yourself with support and love you. It’s also good to have an online outlet like this to just be able to talk things out. More people understand what you’re going through than you know. None of what you’re going through is affecting your work so you can stop worrying about that. You’re a beautiful and talented person, never forget that. If you ever need to talk even if it’s just to change up your routine. I’m always here. 🥰

Teeka

I don't know your personal life. But I hope you can make at least 1 or 2 good friendships and make it a priority to spend time with them. We are not meant to be solitary creatures. Just remember, there's a lot more good in this world than bad, although it may not always seem like it.

Nici Pods

Open mics and poetry slams dont have the requirement to join, you can sit and listen

Amanda

You're absolutely allowed to take time for yourself, but remember humans are social creatures at our baseline, so please don't let go of the little community you've built. It sounds like the makings of something beautiful. 🥰🤗💞

Jess

So I was very much in a bad head space for a while and realized I had been isolating myself, being overwhelmed in my situation. 2023, I knew I had to make big changes. Started focusing on my health, went out on walks and took advantage of being in NYC and went to random things I liked: markets,museums, zoos festivals, Broadway plays. All by myself which, like you, I very much enjoy being around people but without the pressure to need to socialize. It was a game changer! Doesn't happen overnight but I am so much more content in my skin than I was before. I make sure that I have at least 1 adventure a month on the calendar so it motivates me. Sending all my positive vibes your way and that you are able to navigate your way right now 🫂

Yikin35201

Thank you for sharing this, you are so much braver than you give yourself credit for. It takes a lot to open up like this, and to also live on your own away from family and what you have known. Things have gotten rough out there - I work a customer service job and being a somewhat shy introvert with anxiety can make dealing with people a bit difficult. I work this job to challenge myself and get myself out there (and for the pay too - gotta live 😳). It has become so negative, but there are some glimmers of light too. Please, please, please take all the time you need - you are worth the wait 🥰❤️

Kamis

I feel it too. I always say, the world would be a better place if we were all kinder and better educated. So i feel you. Just know that what small steps you take actually DO make a difference and leave an impact, and by setting the example, we inspire others to do the same. The world definitely looks bleak, but don’t stop doing what’s right! Vigilance will see us through! 🥰 if youve got a local library nearby, see if there’s something you can do to further inspire your community. Take peace in knowing you put in the effort to make this world a better place, and know that… you aren’t responsible for the bitter actions of others. Happiness is a choice, and may your actions inspire others to choose happiness over bitterness for themselves.

Suzyfluwho

I live my life by one quote. It has helped me through so many difficult times in my adult life. "If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. Because if nothing matters, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world." Its from Angel, a spin off of Buffy the vampire slayer. But it has been a keystone in my navigation of the world. Even if the world sucks and nothing matters...kindness and love are huge and what people remember. A smile at a stranger, a small compliment to a person at the store, even just giving someone flowers, or showing up with take out at a friend's who has had a rough day. You may not be able to fight the world governments, but for that couple you make a dark world more bright. They may not be blood but that can turn into something stronger than the ties of family...because you have chosen them and they have chosen you. And that is okay.

Underhill

If you ever need someone to chat with I’d be happy to sit and listen! Your works are amazing in my opinion. I’m currently in art college and you are honestly a huge inspiration. One of the most important things to remember is to live life for you and not for others 💖

Lila Davis

I strongly relate to what you’re saying. I struggle with severe anxiety, OCD and being a highly sensitive person and the world can really take its toll on you sometimes. Things can get really hard and sometimes it can seem like there’s no point in doing anything anymore because everyone is just horrible. Though, the thing that always helps me is the thing that you also need to remember. That is that even though a lot of the world is horrible if you’re a good person and you do good things and you do everything you can to try to make the world a better place, there is still good in the world and you’re not the only one. I was lonely for so many years because I didn’t really have friends because I’m neurodivergent and quirky and I was bullied a lot. Only in recent years has that changed. Now I have a girlfriend who cares about me, real genuine friends who like me for who I am and a bright future with a college I’m going to next year. Things can change really quickly and as much as it’s hard to be an optimist in times like these things will get better. Even if it seems like it never will. I’ve waited many years for things to get better. I’ve been through suffering and pain mostly caused by my own mind and the world and as much as things still knock me down sometimes things are genuinely going to get better. I promise! There are a lot more good people in the world than you think. The bad people who you hear about on the news and everything are the small minority but they’re just louder. There are good people who exist and once you find them, it makes everything worth it! I thought I would never have friends and now I do so I know that’s possible for you as well! Even if it’s hard to be positive sometimes, please never let go of hope! And even if you fall down, remember progress is not linear! As a writer myself, I can say you’re amazing! I love your art style, and even as a lesbian I enjoy your NSFW stuff. Don’t quit and keep trying! You are amazing! No matter how hard it is, keep fighting! Eventually you will reach the top of the mental mountain!

Krystal-Mouse

You are having a completely normal reaction to a world stuck in permanent crisis. Everyone has given such good advice to you, but I want to second the suggestion of spending time at your local library. It's a free way of finding community as well as a place to work outside of your house (though probably not on high spice pieces). Libraries and community centers are two of the last remaining free places for people to build community and they are very important.

Amber

And that's okay 🤗. You choose what you do next. As long as you know Im here for you. ❤️

Ashaliyeva

Oh, my darling dear, you are so not alone in these feelings!!! I’ve been struggling deeply with a lot of the same thoughts and emotions, for a handful of years now. And you are so right- we NEED community. Here comes my unsolicited advice, lol. If you are able to read it all (it’s a lot to read, I always write a lot, lol) I do hope it helps, even in a tiny way. 💗 As a lonely housewife (who’s been living apart from her spouse for 2 years and wanting a divorce) my isolation has been slowly killing me (and the stupid pandemic only made things worse!) We all need periods of mental & emotional rest, but sometimes we we also need to press on and work through the pain. Literally, as well as figuratively. Truly, only you can decide whether taking a break from Patreon is what you need. If that’s what you choose, make sure you have healthy, happy, and restorative things available to you to prevent spiraling. But if you sense that spiraling is highly likely, and continue to (literally) work through the pain, please know you do have a community here who care about you, and want you to happy, healthy, and whole!! For your sake! I’m at a point where not only do I need to finally start working through my pain figuratively (I desperately need a therapist) I also realize how much I need to literally work through my pain. (I’m chronically spiraling, so I understand in my own way!) Part of that work for me is to stop isolating myself and reach out to loved ones more. It’s not always as easy as it should be, especially because I’m someone who has too much free time, and I know not everyone is as available to get together, or even just to talk. Plus it involves a lot of vulnerability, and while that’s a good thing, it’s usually quite uncomfortable. lol The other part of that equation, when it comes to reaching out, is meeting new people and forming a community that way. And that’s also something I need to do as well. Again, the vulnerability part is difficult to deal with, but this is a necessity. I know for me it’s going to involve putting myself out there and joining community things, like groups at my local library, taking a class or 2 just for fun, and volunteering- especially at the animal shelters close to me. Even though we’re all strangers here, I’m so happy to see how many people you have in this little internet community, who do care about you!

Scara

There are so many much more eloquent responses here, but know this: You are not alone in feeling this way. You can absolutely take time off and focus on your wellbeing if that's what you need. If you need a break from the main story but not the patreon to sort yourself out you can always do that too. We're here either way. What you do matters and connects so many people. All of us in your comments are connected by you. We all might be strangers, but we're also your community. We wouldn't be here if you hadn't brought us together. I've been feeling lonely after immigrating to a different country and I've since joined a book club etc to try and alleviate the loneliness a little, but finding people online to connect with has just hit the spot more for me. There's lots of different ways to connect and find your people, so take your time to try different things and in time it'll come to you. Most important thing is to be kind to yourself. Also Song of the Ancients is a 10/10.

MJ

@Ajoji - First… thank you for everything you do. This story is AMAZING 🤩. And I’m blown away 🤯 each time I read it. Second… Please take whatever time you need. It’s important to have boundaries between work and home life. It is not wrong to prioritize your self-care. We all understand life is tough and shit is real. Third…Loneliness is no fun. As someone who has worked from home for a while, I realized that getting out of the house and interacting with people is a MUST for me. One (🆓) recommendation is to look on Meetup.com for groups of people who like the same things you do or to try something new. Another suggestion is to get a cat 🐈‍⬛ or other pet 🐶🐰🐹. My cat (pictured in my profile pic) is my emotional support animal. She is the sweetest, most loving and adorable girl. Good luck to you! I will do my best to wait patiently for more “GrEllie" (or is it Gravellie?)! Edited to add - please check out AVI KAPLAN for music. He is amazing! And look into KITARO - very similar to the music in the video.

luvbignaturals

I’m still relatively new in terms of being a part of this community, but I must say reading your message certainly makes me feel less alone. I’ve basically binged all of your patreon content lol and have witnessed both your personal and artistic growth. from creative to creative, as hard as it can be to create, it helps me try to sort out all the bad and confusing shit swirling in my head. you’re doing better than you think. much love 💗

Shannon

Honestly I’m the same way. If I stop it gets worse. Do what you need to do to feel okay. Also I completely agree with everything you said about feeling lonely and wanting a community but not having one. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one working to keep my friends close to me but that’s not true. It’s hard when our generation puts to much on independence and not enough on community. Us humans need each other and I don’t think there is enough focus put on that. Love your Patreon and will support you no matter what you do. ❤️

Ami Pet

Just chiming in to say; I also love your work, hope the best for you, think I know how you feel and will continue to support your Pateron happily. Hold tight!

BADbad1

Take whatever time you need to feel good about where you are in time and space. Sometimes we are all just going through the motions and not really inhabiting our bodies. We will all be here waiting for whenever you return, should you choose to take a break. ❤️ Take care of yourself!

~Cocoa_Bean~

Thanks for sharing your genuine thoughts and feelings🖤 take the time off that you need if you feel like it’ll help ☺️ we will be here when you get back. P.S. Stardew is amazing lol don’t forget to visit Krobus, he doesn’t have a community buddy down there with him 👻

fansnotions

Sending you positive energy and hope your time of respite will bring healing and calmness 💗

TinyNomz

It's always such a rude shock when you discover (sometimes over and over again) that the world is not how you thought it was. That there are places and people who do their best to extinguish the light in others. It hurts. It's scary. Cause deep inside, we KNOW that it's not supposed to be like that. Community IS vital. And it's something that has been slowly being taken away. By how we are taught to think, to act, and to conduct ourselves. But it's a learned isolation. That you are fostering community with neighbors, even just a single household, is a step in the right direction. If you need to take some time away, to recover, to work through your emotions, please do so. I can certainly understand the fear of spiraling though. I don't know what your soul needs right now. But I do know that I'll support your choice, and cheer for you every step of the way.

DLo

I am glad you feel safe to voice how you are doing. I to noticed the change in the world and I have reach my “fuck it” phase in life (aka 50) and have started to say yes to anyone that wants to do stuff. Just do it. I discovered I am good at axe throwing!! I have surrounded myself with stickers that make me smile. And happy music from the 80s. I just keep going even if I have to fake being happy to go to these places. it’s how you start to feel alive again. But don’t stop writing you have something here it’s a good story I really like it.