A short trip to the flower stand - March 25th, 2026 (Patreon)

Managed to go outside again. I made sure to go after most people have already commuted to work, so traffic would be a bit slower. I didn't panic this time, just tried to breathe deeply. I'm not sure how people do it. I used to commute 1-2 hrs a day to work before I became a full time artist and it was always nerve wracking. People drive so crazy and fast. I've never gotten comfortable with it...Has anyone else dealt with the severe anxiety of going outside? I remember being able to take the train to the downtown area of my city and walking around by myself as a teen, but it's not as safe as it used to be. I think I remember trying to suppress my feelings back then as well. I was often made to feel like my emotions didn't matter by my mother, my family, teachers, counselors, and supposed friends who told me to stop whining about being depressed when I posted journals online. It was probably easier to get around when I valued my life less.It makes me so angry to think that I believed that I was worth less when I was younger. Being told to stop whining and to stop expressing my pain in my own online space, by people who were supposed to be my friends. I reread some of the journal entries recently and there was a girl I used to be 'friends' with that was born into a wealthy family. Both her parents were still together, they bought her whatever manga, games, clothes, or food she wanted. She had plenty of other friends, a girlfriend, and all her siblings were successful. School work was so easy for her too because she rarely had to study to perform well. Yet she told me to shut up and stop talking about my suffering. I think she liked how pathetic I was compared to her, and she liked being able to mock me and tell me to stop being so sad all of the time.I was hoping someone would answer my cries for help. My father abandoned me when I was a toddler and when he was still around, my parents often fought, sometimes it became violent. My mother threatened to stab my father once after he talked bad about her to his friends, and my father had thrown a wretch at me because I was crying for his attention as a 3 year old. Thankfully he didn't hit me, but my mom laughs about that story whenever I talk about it because she thinks it's okay to scare children when they're annoying you. There are so many other stories I could talk about, but I won't right now. People can be so fucking cruel...᠃ ⚘᠂ ⚘ ˚ ⚘ ᠂ ⚘ ᠃ It's spring time and the local flower stand had daffodils and tulips for sale. I wanted to cheer myself up and try to get out again, so I picked up a bouquet. These are some of my favorite flowers. I like the frills and delicate yellow of the daffodils, and I also like the cup shape of tulips. I remember tulips from my childhood. I had picked a purple one as a small child while strolling through the neighborhood, not realizing someone had worked hard to plant it there. I felt bad after getting yelled at for it, but I also remember holding someone's hand. My mother? I'm not sure, maybe it was a babysitter. I have a lot of mixed feelings about flowers, both good and bad memories tied to them.While preparing to do my self-employment taxes, I've been working on an oil pastel piece in between. I wanted to do a simplified, almost child-like portrait of Ellie among daffodils and Nanohana flowers. I'm probably going to draw her crying big tears like in Ghibli. I've been feeling very melancholic lately. My emotions often range from neutral to intense anger and sadness. I'm not sure how to cope with it other than writing / self-therapy and trying to keep my body somewhat healthy. I'm not suicidal or anything, but just struggling to keep it together.I ordered a bunch of art supplies recently! The last time I tried to take traditional art somewhat seriously was when I was a teenager. I used copics and sakura ink pens. I never ventured beyond that, but this time I ordered fountain pens and oil pastels. I got a cheap set and some of those fancy french sennelier ones. The $7 pentel set I've used so far has been so waxy / hard and difficult to spread and blend. I'm thinking of mixing it with a bit of linseed oil to see if that helps. The new pastels may not come until next month so I'll just try to make due with the ones I have.Thank you to everyone that has been showing support to me in my journey to become a healthier, fully realized human / artist. I have so many feelings I'm trying to access, I know that I'll be able to create something more meaningful as I'm able to heal. So many of these emotions are universal. I know people will feel it all once I'm able to fully express my pathos in my art.