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How I fight for existence!!! (Patreon)

Published:
2026-03-23 17:53:30
Edited:
2026-03-24 14:24:15
Imported:
2026-10

Content

I haven't done this in a while. My art den is pretty messy right now (it always is).I get depressed when I expose the very immediate, real life issues I've been dealing with. It opens me up to judgement and criticisms, and it can hamper healing because I might doubt myself or feel more fearful of rejection. I want to be strong and do it anyway. Hiding it for most of my life hasn't helped me at all.Here's a little glimpse of the things I've been doing to cope with my current circumstances. Some books I've been reading:A Way out of Madness by Daniel Mackler and Mathew MorrisseyIt's a very useful book that I use for journal prompts and self-reflection, but it's a tough read. I have to take breaks often.Black Blood by Hayate KukuHad me giggling and shrieking at some of the cute scenes. I saw this manga at the bookstore many times and passed on it, but one day I finally decided to give it a chance and I'm enjoying it so far. Never thought I'd find a cyborg attractive, but that boy BUILT 🥴It's been months, but I finally decided to bake a chiffon cake using this recipe. I've made it many times before, but doubt always creeps in and I get scared that I'll mess it up and waste ingredients, so I don't do it. I'll buy strawberries sometimes and I'll have to eat them before they get bad or turn them into a simple syrup because I put it off for too long. I decided to just do it and it helped to rebuild my confidence a bit =)I've also been journaling a lot and I highly recommend Pentel EnerGel pens. The ink flows so smoothly. I've also been having fun dividing small journals and making them into smaller booklets that I decorate with stickers. So there's less pressure to write more and they feel like a mini library of my life. If I don't feel like I have a lot to say, I'll just write a sentence. The purpose is to maintain an internal dialogue; a connection with my true self. The world is so busy nowadays and it's easier than ever to avoid psychological pain / discomfort, so I try to remain connected in the tiniest ways.Another fun way I stay connected with my self is to write letters addressed to myself. Sometimes I make fake stamps with blank sticker paper and a stamp shaped punch, drawing cute little designs to go with the stationary I collect. I've never received letters from anyone, so I write them to myself! And then I put them into a tiny mailbox and save them for whenever I feel like reading them again. I also like doing this with postcards as well, or really any cute card that i can use as a prompt or starting point. So like Birthday cards, Thank You cards, Christmas cards, and even Mother's Day or Get Well cards.The world doesn't feel alive or animated like it used to. I'm hoping that my efforts to stay connected with myself and share more authentic thoughts, feelings, and art will help liven things up in the tiniest way. I want so badly for things to feel vibrant again!₊♡⊹˚𓈒⟡₊⋆∘₊˚⊹♡₊ 𓈒⟡₊⋆∘₊˚⊹♡₊A thought I've been wrestling with is the impulse to just run away to another country. I'm already scared to leave my room, but I have this notion that if I just get far enough away from everyone I've ever known, everything will get better. My depression will lift and I'll be enlightened! I know for certain that I need to get away from my family of origin, but I'm not convinced I need to leave my state anymore. I just need to go to a new city and maintain my boundaries, and change my number if I have to. I realized this when I saw other artists escape to different states and countries, but still wonder why they're depressed, feeling empty like there's a void inside, and some end up moving back in with their parents close to their 30s despite being conventionally successful. I think it's an attempt to escape the journey within. It's so fucking scary, but I know that there isn't anywhere on this planet more interesting than the stuff I'm running away from inside of me.I'm trying to be strong, but it's so hard somedays. I would give up my internet success if it meant I could have a loving family and not have to spend my life healing, but here I am fighting for existence! Now to take a shower and get my car battery replaced...Update: I got the car battery replaced! Next, do my taxes and draw something for patreon, and make a new bank account.

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Comments

Yumoyori Wilson

Your setup is SOOO cute!!!!! I adore your keyboard and the cutesy stuff eeep!!! You totally don’t need to move out of a country but totally need your own space that YOU can control. Even if it’s a small one bedroom with enough space for your desk and essentials, and no one know where you’re going (keep that boundary very strict) those who enter your home should only be those who empower and truly love you. Not those who try to taint your space. When I lived with my mom, I always told myself I had to move. That once I got a new place I’d be happy. I’ll be 4 years in my current house in July and this is the first year I truly adore my house. Like it’s actually a safe space now, and even though I come home to no “family” I have four dogs who wait for me at the door and greet me happily. Please share more with us and know we support you every step of the way! You will get out of this cycle and we’ll be here when you do to celebrate eep!

ajoji_comic

Thank you so much Yumoyori! The thought of having my own safe space is something that keeps me going. All the little things I do everyday to get closer that goal feel worth it when I keep that in mind.

Starr Atlantis

Oooh I’m super excited and happy for you. Each moment that you challenge yourself is rooting and fighting for yourself! Big ups on the chiffon cake that’s sweet and awesome. I really think your letter writing is inspiring. Especially the cards. That’s a great idea actually that’ll be borrowed.😉 Your safe place is starting in your heart and mind and soon will be manifested into reality. Also that book is one I want to check out too. The Mackler one.

Bebe V

I love the letters to yourself idea. Just the other day, I wrote out two thank you cards to people, something I haven't done in ages. One was thanking someone for a birthday card I received in the mail that had a nice note inside. It was so touching and really made my day. Snail mail is such a dying practice, and there's something so powerful to me about getting one in the mail. But the letters to yourself is such a nice idea for practicing self-love that I should try. That cake looks incredible!! I'm glad you faced your fears of ruining it and did it anyway. I struggle with that too. I try and tell myself that even it's not perfect, it's most likely still edible at least xD I also have the thought that running away to another country would solve some of my problems. It's such a romantic idea in theory. My reasons are more political in wanting to leave, but I'll leave it at that cuz I don't wanna bring politics into a lovely post! In fleeing from my sadness and fears, I might leave some behind. But ultimately, I would only pick up new ones in the new place. So, I don't think that is the answer for me. I hope you keep sharing with us these glimpses into your life through pictures and thoughts! I agree with the need the create a more vibrant and happy world again!

ajoji_comic

Thank you Starr. I managed to get a lot done today; might actually try to drive somewhere even though I'm feeling nervous but I want to be brave!

ajoji_comic

Yes! I love the idea of snail mail. I hope you'll try writing a letter to yourself soon. I'm thinking of even making my own stationary too. I'll be sure to share more of my life; I'm going to try leave the house after not going anywhere for over a month. Trying to be brave and build my confidence everyday.

Heidi

Maybe you could set up a dedicated P.O Box. So fans can send you a letter or card if they want to? 😃😃 Don't know if or how these things work were you live.😅

Bebe V

You can do this! Maybe it would help to set a small time limit, even if it's only 5 minutes, to make it less daunting.

Emily Snyder

I bake a lot, and most recently, my birthday cake (made by my husband and 5-year-old) got completely messed up, and you know what I think? A messed up cake is still cake. But yours looks delicious.

ajoji_comic

That sounds really fun and lovely, but I am kind of scared of getting hate mail :'( Maybe when I get my own place, I'll have the courage to try it out! Thanks for the suggestion Heidi =)

ajoji_comic

Thank you Emily! That's really sweet. A cake made by your loved ones <3

Sherri F

1. Thank you for that recipe. I had a Chiffon cake for the first time last year for my birthday and it was different from what I'm used to getting (chocolate cake all the way) but I get you...I'm constantly buying ingredients for recipes I've seen and they either go bad or sit in the freezer and I forget. 2. I think your idea of moving away is okay but being somewhere familiar to you is a good idea. If after doing that you find it easy to go out and explore, then maybe expanding it to living abroad might be nice but definitely baby steps. 3. Have you ever considered getting a P.O. Box? That way no one knows your address but they can send you letters and you can collect the stamps (my dad is ex-military so that was one of the things I enjoyed when he was on tour was getting the letters from his different deployment locations and collecting the stamps). That way you can receive letters and hopefully some cool stamps along the way. Thanks for sharing and hope you had a fantastic day today.

Kamis

Your space isn’t messy. It’s being lived in, and that’s acceptable and right. I’ve struggled with my space/home being “messy” for years, but I know that I myself am not a messy person, and i keep my car and workspace very clean, so how can I be messy if I inherently aim for cleanliness? I’m not messy… I’m actively using the space I occupy. It’s proof that I am alive and in motion. Don’t apologize or regret existing. Let your space serve you, not the other way around. If you really feel the “mess” is getting out of hand, do a five minute tidy and be at peace with the results. If you feel you can do more, then do what you can, but man… “there’s always more laundry to be washed!” 🤣 give grace and be kind to yourself. It’s okay to be imperfect. Cake looks hella delicious btw! Have you tried joining a community gym like a ymca? I did that recently and it helped to connect with ppl who were actively trying to improve their health. It may be a way to find local support as you build a healthier life for yourself.

ajoji_comic

Someone did suggest I get a PO Box before I wrote this post so that my mother wouldn't be able to see my mail anymore. I feel a bit overwhelmed so I'm trying to take things one step at a step, thank you Sherri =)

ajoji_comic

Thank you Kamis. Let's say my room is THOROUGHLY lived in 😂 but I agree with you, it's evidence of our existence. I struggle to leave the house because I get severe anxiety and panic attacks sometimes, so I don't think I can commit to something like the gym right now. I've tried before and I was just paying not to go. My mother was overly paranoid about letting me go anywhere beyond the surrounding neighborhood when I was younger because she thought I would get sexuaIIy assaulted, so I think that's where the fear of going out comes from. It doesn't help that I've been attacked while I was out as well. I think once I'm able to get my own place and have a healthy boundary from my family, I will have more confidence to go out and do things.

Sherri F

I get it; a lot of helpful information kind of flying at once. Take your time to figure out what is best for you and take those little steps. Eventually before you know it, you'll be sprinting and won't even realize it.

Alisa L

That cake looks delicious!