Ellie's hair inspo (she's not a manic pixie dream girl lol) + my hoarder den (Patreon)

I remember when I first revealed Ellie’s new haircut, there was a lot of apprehension and I lost a lot of patrons / readers over it. Some people commented that Ellie looked like a 'manic pixie dream girl' and the irony is that I’ve always had negative feelings around that archetype because a lot of the guys I’ve had crushes on went for that sort of girl. They valued looks, sex, and “fun” (chaos) over potential stability and love. And yes, I know the ‘bad boy’ is to some women (me) what the ‘manic pixie dream girl’ is to many men.I’m not perfect. I’ve never gone for a ‘bad boy’ in real life, but I romanticized the idea of healing a man who is just as damaged as me. I tried it once and surprise—I was in for a lot of pain. It’s worth it if the person is willing to actually heal and make progress, but unfortunately many people are not. No matter how intelligent or gifted they are, it can and will get worse for some because childhood trauma is so difficult to heal. Trust me, just look at my studio. I have abandonment issues, so I have an attachment to objects and being surrounded by lots of stuff makes me feel safe; it's like a barrier between me and the harsh world.I’ve always loved a pixie / bob. It’s still very feminine to me. So I never associated it with the alt style that a lot of manic pixie dream girls have. I’m honestly really insecure about that kind of archetype because I know a lot of guys fantasize about a fast life style where they can run away with a hot, damaged girl who won't judge them and will disassociate with them via drugs, alcohol, sex. A lot of guys around me grew up in broken homes and most of them had trouble with girls when they were younger so as adults they focused more on women that had a striking look to them, who seemed like they could uniquely understand men, and gave off a "bohemian" / care free vibe. These guys didn’t have a lot going on in their lives and they had deep insecurities around sex and women.I used to be saddened by this because these were just average guys who had a bad past like me, but most of them weren't looking at me (except this one time in high school which was really bizarre, maybe I'll tell that story another time). Now I realize all of that is a façade. Those guys, and the manic pixie dream girls they desired, didn't seem to care about each other as people. The fantasy is primarily based on sexual validation. Remove the sex and the fantasy life style--then what's left? I'm trying to focus on cultivating a richer life for myself where I'm not so emotionally dependent on someone else to feel ok. I have a special person in my life, but I still want to build a life that is my own so that if they die, I won't feel like killing myself. This is why I've spent more time on the emotional / psychological aspect of Ellie and Grave's relationship. If you take away appearances and sex, would these two people still like being around each other? With Ellie and Grave, I'd like to think--yes. But I also just like drawing people fucking, so I'm going to continue doing that. It's very interesting to me psychologically speaking.Side note: if you're wondering why I don't just pay someone to clean my studio, it's because I feel uncomfortable letting a stranger rummage through my things. I know they're professionals, but they're also still human and I don't want to be that vulnerable. I also just want the power to know I can bring harmony to my own space someday, so I hope to get around to cleaning it soon. I need to reduce the amount of stuff I have so I can move out and get my own place.Also, random pic of a pistachio macron from a while ago. It's evidence that I do make efforts to go outside. Yes, I do venture outdoors at least once a week so my car battery doesn't die and I don't go crazy. If I lived in a safer, walkable city with things to do, and got far away from my family, I would probably go out more. That's the goal, but I have a lot of trauma to work through. Got to build my confidence so I can make bolder moves.And a song rec: VOICES · Akino Arai (kind of reminds me of the mermaid song from the moonlight jelly festival in Stardew Valley)