[Short Story #3] Space Janitor (Patreon)

Joe heaved a sigh and wiped his brow with a dirty hand, leaving a smear of dark material over his forehead. He placed his wooden mop against the tiled walls and took a moment to admire his handiwork. After several hours of constant mopping, spraying, and meticulously scrubbing everything down, the bathroom was the cleanest had been in ages.

The white tiles only had a few splotches of dirt hidden away in corners that Joe couldn’t be bothered to reach, and the toilets were mostly clean, sans a few drip stains that the janitor decided he would get to on a later date. After all, every good job deserved an equal reward.

Joe ambled merrily out of the bathroom and into the kitchen of the small restaurant he worked at, his beady eyes darting around to make sure he didn’t accidentally run into one of the other employees. Johnson, the spaceship and restaurant’s owner, was quite angry the last time he had caught Joe liberating the burgers from their icy confinements within the freezer.

The man had said something about eating burgers frozen and how he had to pay for them, but Joe couldn’t really see any problem. After all, nobody else was eating them. Why shouldn’t he?

Luckily for Joe, the way to the freezer was clear. He sprinted over to it as fast as his stubby legs would allow and hurled the door open. The janitor snatched a patty from the shelf and closed the door. Then he paused before opening the freezer and grabbing a second patty.

“Can never be too safe. I’m mighty hungry,” Joe mumbled to himself.

Joe ambled back down the hallway and gnawed happily on his stolen treats. As he walked, a strange sight suddenly accosted his eyes. One of the walls was slightly out of place, as if it had been pushed inwards into the hallway.

Joe walked up to the strange extrusion and pushed on it. Unfortunately, the wall refused to budge. The janitor’s eyes narrowed and he took a bite out of his frozen burger for strength. He then threw himself into the wall as hard as he could.

It gave resistance for a short moment, and then gave way and crashed to the ground in a puff of smoke and drywall. Joe brushed himself off and stood up. To his horror, he realized that the fall had crushed his backup-burger.

He briefly considered returning to the freezer to claim another one, but the sound of footsteps in the hall stopped him. Johnson was probably coming, and he wouldn’t be happy. The last time Joe had put a hole in the wall, he hadn’t paid Joe for a week.

The janitor turned away from the entrance he had just created and ventured deeper into the strange room he had fallen into. Unlike the rest of the restaurant, the walls of this room were covered in a light silver material. The room wasn’t large, but there was a grey pedestal in the center of it.

Resting upon the pedestal was a shimmering blue orb. Joe immediately shuffled over to the pedestal. There was a small plaque on the front of the grey stand.

Beware he who grabs the wishing ball

For the power within is hunted by all

Unfortunately, Joe couldn’t read and he cared less about the plaque then he did Johnson’s opinion of him. The janitor eagerly grabbed the ball and lifted it up to inspect. Suddenly, a clammy hand came to rest on Joe’s shoulder.

The janitor jumped up and spun to face the intruder. He was greeted by a humanoid creature with a horrifying green face, two dark eyes, and a mouth full of demonic teeth.

“Plastic surgeon is on the other ship,” Joe told the being.

The being snarled and snatched at the shimmering orb. Joe jumped away from the monster, holding it tight to his chest.

“This won’t make you look better! It’s mine! Go away!”

The creature lunged at him again, but Joe managed to avoid the attack. Then, clutching the orb tightly, Joe hurried back down the hall and towards the exit. Right as the exit came into sight, another of the beings leapt out of nowhere and snarled at Joe.

The janitor turned around to run the other direction, but there was a beast approaching from that direction as well. Now well and truly trapped, Joe assessed the situation as best as he could. There were angry customers trying to attack him – they probably didn’t like the burgers because they were heated. Joe knew that they were best cold, but Johnson never listened to him.

“We can remedy this situation,” said Joe. “I’ve got twenty starshekels. That’s enough to give both of you a full refund. How does that sound?”

The beings both paused and seemed to consider the offer for a moment. Then the second one pointed to the orb and snarled aggressively at Joe.

“Fine. Up yours, then!” Joe yelled.

He hurled the ball at the monster blocking the door. The orb sailed through the air and impacted the being’s head with a sickening crunch, and it dropped to the floor in a heap.

Joe ran for the door as fast as he could, only pausing to grab the orb from the broken body of his foe before escaping through the exit and into a small flight pod.

Epilogue:

Jackson returned to the space restaurant the following day to find a huge hole in his wall, a dead body of some horrifying creature with a huge dent in its skull, and a bathroom that was covered in filth and dirt. It looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in weeks.

There was also a new review on Spelp, the Space review site. It was one star, and the poster complained about terrible customer service and overcooked burgers.

Joe was last seen in a castle of frozen hamburgers, courtesy of the orb he had found. The castle grew every day, and showed no signs of stopping. It quickly became a tourist attraction and, coincidentally, many people suddenly developed a taste for frozen burgers.