The Light of Creativity Can Dim (Patreon)

Either my grief over the recent loss of my mother (Empress of the Geeks) is manifesting as complete enervation, or there's something else wrong with me. I suppose the flu that stole two weeks of my life might be adding a new symptom beyond a cough, or my electrolytes could be in the "critically low" range again. I have appointments to deal with both of those possibilities.

But this really does feel different. While I am physically exhausted, it's not just that. My brain feels like it did in the chemo fog days. Utter lack of focus, creative lassitude, and emotional languor. I both can't think my way through anything, and don't really give a shit that I can't.Coffee sounded terrible throughout my flu, so I am uncaffeinated by about three weeks. My withdrawal symptoms have never lasted more than 2 weeks, so that shouldn't be adding anything. I can, of course, have one mug of coffee and see if that helps. If not, I'll go back to assuming its grief or something we can diagnose and adjust.

Or, I suppose, I might have finally permanently lost the spark that's driven me for 30 years of game industry work. I hope not, but it could happen. I have seen that silver flame of joy and interaction go out in others. Others far better than me, so I have reason to think myself immune. If feels like I'd know if that was the case... but maybe not recognizing you've lost the flame is part of losing the flame.

But right now, I choose to believe that a tiny flame of creativity is still burning somewhere deep inside me. It may be guttering in the winds of illness, grief, stress, and depression, and it's illumination may not be able to reach past the darkness in me, but I think it's still there. And, someday, later or earlier, I'll be able to put candle to torch, torch to fireplace, and fireplace to bonfire once more.