The Green Bean Casserole Monster (Patreon)

So, on this National Day of Mourning/National Family Health History Day/Turkey Day/Wolfenoot, I want to express how much I appreciate my family, friends, and fans who read my stuff, follow my social media feeds, support my patreon, and donate to my ko-fi.

Seriously, all, thanks. To say this has been a “rough year” would be a massive understatement. But it is in this darkness I have found the brightest lights. I am eternally thankful for all the people who have expended so much time, emotional energy, and yes, money, to keeping me upbeat and, well, alive.

So, since it’s a day of holidays, I am going to celebrate with a classic Silly Monster — a Green Bean Casserole Talos!

(A “talos” is a form of self-aware construct, a statue or figuring of normally-inanimate matter animted through magic, often created by spellcasters as a servant or guardian. Making inanimate matter self-aware is a tricky process, one normally reserved for entities such as gods and eternals. Doing so requires complex (and generally expensive) ceremonies… but sometimes those happen on accident! And, sometimes, a talos goes rogue…

Green Bean Casserole Talos

(Art by the amazing Stan!)

Lore: Green bean casserole taloses normally come into being one of two ways, The first is as a form a trap, left sitting in a ceramic crock or similar dish with commands to attack first the creature that opens it’s home, and secondly everything else it sees. This is most commonly used by evil alchemist chefs (alchefists) as a form of ambush at feasts, celebrations, and buffet restaurants.

“The cook sends his… regards!”

The second common origin for a green bean casserole talos is when a warlock cook (a warcook) attempts to make a fancy enchanted dinner and things go horribly, beanily wrong. This is usually a result of placing the green bean casserole at the center of the magic oven while trying to enchant multiple mystic food dishes at once, and having to use not quite the right temperature, cooking time, or amount of fairy dust. This type of food talos generally seems entirely normal and edible, until someone sticks a serving spoon in it, and then all bets are off!

Building the Monster: You can turn nearly any creature with melee attacks into a Green bean Casserole talos by adding the following properties. These are designed to work with a range of d20-evolved game systems, so they may not match the exact format of your monster stat block of choice. If something seems a tad off, just adjust to the closest-sounding thing in your own game system.

This article assumes a green bean casserole talos is about human sized and roughly humanoid, but that’s not mandatory. A green bean dragon talos or casserole slime can perfectly well work too.

(More Stan! art, and he also gave some lovely feedback on early notes for this critter)

Crunchy: The fried onion topper of a green bean casserole talos is invitingly crunchy. Magically so. The first time a creature is adjacent to a green bean casserole, it must make a Will/Wisdom save (of typical difficulty for abilities from a monster with the casserole’s CR/Level/HD). On a failed save, the creature must take at least one action per round to attempt to bite the casserole. Treat this as a unarmed attack that deals lethal damage (I mean, you’re biting a casserole). Once a creature successfully takes a chomp, the effect ends. But, also, see “Hot.”

Hot: Creatures that bite a green bean casserole talos burn their mouths. A successful bite attack results in taking fire damage equal to the talos’s main melee attack.

Gooey: The main mass of a green bean casserole talos is semi-congealed beans bound by gravylike mushroom soup mix. The material manages to be thick, heavy, and easily reshaped without losing any of its core consistency. As a result, the holiday monster normally takes only half damage from bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing attacks. However, the talos is not as resilient when frozen or put in foil. While it is entangled, or for 1 round after it takes cold damage, the green bean casserole talos loses its gooey spcial ability.

Savory: A popular food combination full of umami, the internal scent of green bean casserole can inspire the fit, and weaken the hungry. This effect is magnified for the magically-infused cuts of a green bean casserole talos. Creatures adjacent to a green bean casserole talos when it is injured have one of the two following effects. If fatigued or exhausted, they take a -2 penalty to all d20 rolls until that condition ends, or they take a bit of the casserole (or a similarly hot, delicious food, at the GM’s discretion). If NOT fatigued or exhausted, creatures adjacent to the green bean casserole talos gain a +2 morale-based bonus to all d20 rolls, as the smell is so encouraging.

Splattery: The green bean casserole talso can splattery if not treated gently. When damaged, it splatters. This targets one creature within 30 feet with a touch-based ranged attack. The attack roll is equal to the casserole’s main melee attack, but it does only half the normal amount of damage.

Talos: The green bean casserole talos has all the traits of constructs. It does not need to eat, sleep, or breathe. If an effect only works against a specific subtye of constructs, it works against a talos.

A green bean casserole talos always seeks to carry out the commands it was given when created. In addition, it seeks to protect the crockery it was first animated from, and attacks anyone who damages or threatens it.

That’s it! Simple, right? HAPPY HOLIDAYS, Y’ALL!

Support

Anyone who wants to offer me some extra support can always donate at my ko-fi, with my deepest gratitude.