Unorthodox Farming: New Chapter 17 (Patreon)

We're now caught up. The story will continue from here.Chapter 17

A Champion's Physique

As I followed Torvac to the swinging doors Orlana had entered through, I looked around and noticed she offered two meal options to her customers. That wasn't normal, based on my experience. I'd travelled a bit, and every inn and restaurant I'd been to in Radian had a set menu with no substitutions. They were take-it-or-leave-it places.

"Torvac, has your wife always offered two meal options?"

Torvac nodded while glancing over his shoulder and wincing as his granddaughter got in trouble. "Orlana get bored cooking same thing every day, so Orlana offer special to go with braised lamb. Special change every week, though customers must make reservation for special."

"It seems like everyone is eating the special."

Torvac opened the doors and led me into a hallway with five doors. "Orlana's orange duck very famous and Orlana only make six days each year. Customers here today reserved tables four years ago."

"Your wife's restaurant is booked out four years in advance?"

Torvac pushed open the door at the end of the hallway, and we entered a kitchen. "Only some weeks."

Glowing crystals lit three long benches that ran down the centre of the room. Eight chefs stood at the benches, wielding shortswords to chop vegetables and meat with frightening precision and speed.

Along the right wall was a set of double doors that I assumed led to where they cooked, since nothing in the prep kitchen could be used for cooking. The left wall held a massive table that was likely where they ate their lunch. The back wall had another set of double doors, but based on how far we had travelled, it likely led outside.

I stared at the armed chefs. "Why are they using shortswords?" As the words left my mouth, everyone looked over and froze.

"Swordsman class offer special promotion if make million cuts. Torvac's children and grandchildren get special promotion from working in Orlana's restaurant."

Smiles appeared on every face as they got over their shock. They put down the swords and rushed over with open arms.

"Dad!"

"Grandpa!"

Torvac was clearly loved.

The man at the front of the hug line looked exactly like Torvac, only younger. Torvac cracked his spine as he hugged him and then grinned in my direction.

"This Torvac's eldest child, Travic. Travic, this Friend Arnold."

Travic stepped away from his father and offered me his hand, having to look down because he had his father's height. "So, you're the reason the old man is on the front page of every newspaper this year."

I let his hand swallow mine and shook. "What do you mean by this year?"

Travic laughed. "The old man's constantly causing trouble when Mum isn't there to supervise him."

"Torvac not cause trouble. Orlana forbid Torvac from doing so. Torvac listens."

"So, you weren't the reason Mum rushed out of here?"

Torvac played dumb and motioned to the woman beside him. "Friend Arnold, this Torvac's second child, Nita, who Little Nita is named after. Little Nita is Travic's second daughter and fourth child. Travic only named Little Nita, Little Nita, because Travic lost bet with Nita."

Travic groaned. "You don't have to tell everyone that when I first meet them, Dad. It makes me sound like a terrible father."

"Travic get revenge on Nita for holding him to bet by naming second daughter Little Nita, not first like Nita wants, because Travic say Nita only good name for second daughter."

Travic groaned louder. "Daaaad!"

"Friend Arnold, good friend. You need not impress."

Nita shoved her brother aside and offered me her hand. She took after her father as well, so her eye height was a few inches higher than mine. She had a slim, muscular build despite being pregnant. Her features were more like her mother's, though, with the same disapproving gaze. "One would think a champion could deal with dwarves on their own."

I took her hand, but Torvac replied before I could.

"Friend Arnold farmer with champion mark. Friend Arnold die without Torvac and Friend Misk's help."

Travic scratched the back of his head. "How the hell does a farmer gain a champion's mark?"

"Friend Arnold, explain after introductions. Friend Arnold, this Torvac's third child, Oliver. Oliver terrible swordsman and wishes to become wizard like Friend Misk. Oliver, good son. Provide Torvac with eight grandchildren to spoil."

Unlike his older brother and sister, Oliver took after his mother. He stood at five foot six and had a lot more muscle than everyone else. His hand also swallowed mine as we shook, but he gave me a friendly smile as he stepped away.

"This Torvac's youngest child, Arina. Arina, second-best swordswoman in Torvac's family, but like love of Torvac's life, prefers cooking. Torvac forgive Arina for this betrayal because also give Torvac eight grandchildren to spoil."

She laughed as she offered me her hand, our eyes meeting. "What did Dad do to upset Mum this time?"

"He gave Nita an entire swordsman experience crystal."

"You did what!" Travic yelled.

"Friend Arnold not understand. Torvac trip and fall. Terrible accident."

"I don't believe that for a second, Old Man. Where's my daughter now?"

"Orlana ban her from working at restaurant. Little Nita is big upset."

Travic hurried out of the kitchen while Oliver turned to his father and scowled. "Nita is only fourteen! You're not supposed to be giving her experience yet."

The kitchen door flew open, and Orlana marched in, followed by the line of waiters and waitresses who ranged in ages between twelve and twenty-five. One look at them told me that they were all related to Torvac.

"Keep your voice down, or you will disturb my customers," Orlana snapped, before turning the glare at her husband. "You see what you've done. You've upset your son. Oliver's children were supposed to get experience first. But you disregarded my rules, and now your children and grandchildren think you have a favourite."

Torvac scoffed. "Torvac has no favourite, only favourites."

He'd said the exact opposite outside.

Orlana's grip tightened on her rolling pin, cracking the wood.

Torvac paused and seemed to decide that lying was not going to work. "Torvac only give Little Nita experience because Little Nita very good with sword, so need more attributes to train."

"That's not what it looks like. It looks like you've given your favourite granddaughter experience while your other grandchildren are still waiting to receive their birthday presents."

Torvac sighed. "Grandpa Torvac does not want grandchildren or Orlana to think this."

"Then you shouldn't have broken my rules and given her experience. How are you going to fix this?"

Torvac pulled off his backpack like a man burdened by heartache and then reached inside like he was searching for hope. He shuffled the contents around for a few seconds and then started tossing experience crystals to his grandchildren like they were apples he'd bought at the market.

He'd clearly been waiting for this moment.

Oliver, Nita, and Arina leapt across the room, intercepting the crystals before their children could catch them.

The moment his grandchildren realised what their parents were holding they erupted in laughter. Like everyone else, defending Blackwood from the monster waves had offered Torvac a horrendous amount of experience. Orlana stared at the experience crystals in stunned silence.

Torvac wiped the grin off his face before standing up and looking at his wife like any sane husband would. Which was a level of wisdom I'd been beginning to doubt he had. "Torvac now understand why Orlana upset with Torvac. Torvac hope Torvac forgiven."

The glare she was giving him before was gone, but now she looked irritated. Her husband was clearly trying to annoy her, and she seemed to be upset that it had worked. "You're forgiven for playing favourites, but not for breaking my rules. You're still not allowed to eat my braised lamb unless Nita buys it for you."

Torvac gave his first honest reaction since we'd entered the restaurant. "What?"

"I will not let you turn my grandchildren into useless spoiled brats, no matter how much you want to."

"Orlana, love of Torvac's life."

"Anyone who feeds him braised lamb will no longer work here."

Torvac looked honestly heartbroken as he reached into his backpack. Then he tossed another experience crystal to each of his children. "Torvac wants children have early inheritance."

He then tried to toss a crystal to his grandchildren.

Orlana jumped and caught the crystal as it went over her head. "You are not giving my grandchildren a fortune just so Nita can afford to pay for your lunch. They are spoiled enough as it is."

His grandchildren continued to laugh.

***

Nothing is quite as awkward as having lunch with a friend who is arguing with their spouse. Especially when that friend is in the wrong and using you as a human shield.

I sat in the corner of Orlana's kitchen, minding my own business, trying to display through my posture that nothing Torvac had done had anything to do with me. That's a hard thing to express in body language, especially when you're eating what is quite easily the greatest salad of your life.

It was honestly amazing.

The crunchy crispiness of the lettuce. The boundless flavour of the dressing. The precision cuts of vegetables. It all came together to make a dish that was perfectly balanced and a wonderful experience with every bite.

Eating it also added another layer to my concerns.

What if Orlana didn't like me? What if she barred me from her restaurant? I'd only just discovered how good her family could cook, and I wasn't willing to give it up just because Torvac wanted to be the fun grandpa.

Torvac sat beside me, picking at his salad, while eyeing the lamb his son was dressing with a shortsword. Every time he did, Orlana would point to his salad with her new rolling pin, and Torvac would drop his gaze.

When she'd crushed the first one into wood chips, I'd found myself grateful she didn't carry a shortsword to prepare meat and vegetables like the rest of her family. Someone that small and angry should not be walking around armed. Especially when she had a husband who seemed to love to provoke her.

Torvac lifted a piece of lettuce to his mouth and gave the lamb another sullen look. The handle of her new rolling pin began to creak as her grip tightened. Torvac immediately dropped his gaze and wisely began chewing, not willing to provoke her any more than he already had.

Orlana placed the mishappen rolling pin on the table while glaring at her husband. Torvac's daughter, Nita, passed her a new one as she went by. Torvac had said his wife's restaurant was a family business, but he'd failed to mention that of the three generations who worked there, anyone over the age of thirty was a level 100 grandmaster swordsmen who had multi-classed into merchant so they could become better chefs.

The attributes they'd gained from their swordsman class allowed them to act with speed and precision. Each one of them could perform the work of a dozen individuals, allowing them to supply a constant stream of dishes to the grandchildren, who carried them into the restaurant for the hundreds of customers spread across the bottom four floors. The fifth was a private level for VIP customers, and they had none of those here right now.

You had to be a well-oiled machine to run such a large restaurant with so few staff, and Torvac's antics made their job harder. Orlana seemed to know this because her menu allowed for interruptions, but it also reflected her personality.

It wasn't showy or complex, but every dish on it had earned its place and was refined to perfection. She treated her children and grandchildren the same. Every misstep was critiqued, but a job well done was praised, and she praised often.

Torvac was the complete opposite. He hadn't been here for more than five minutes before he'd spoiled all his children and grandchildren rotten, handing out fortunes worth of experience just to see them smile and his wife's blood boil.  

While she was chasing him around the kitchen with her rolling pin, I'd realised that Torvac hadn't spent three days hiding from his wife, but three days orchestrating his plan to power level his grandchildren and give his children an early inheritance against his wife's wishes.

It was also when I realised that he wasn't jokingly using me as a human shield. He really did need a witness to remain by his side until she calmed down.

Orlana was tiny, but fierce.

And there was no doubt in my mind that he would have got a much harsher tongue lashing if I weren't around.

Torvac finished eating a single piece of lettuce and gave his wife a kicked puppy look.

Orlana wasn't buying it. "Eat your salad."

Torvac sighed and started eating again. He took one bite and then made a face. "Torvac want invite Friend Arnold stay."

Orlana groaned. "Your granddaughters will be insufferable. Do you remember what happened the last time we allowed a bard to stay who had charisma as high as his?"

"Orlana invited bard to stay because of pretty voice. Not Torvac's fault."

"I wasn't saying it was, but I thought we learned our lesson after watching our granddaughters fighting each other for his attention with sharpened blades."

I finished off my salad, wishing there was more, and wiped my mouth with the napkin. "I've found a place to stay."

Orlana gave me a grateful smile, potentially securing me a chance to return to her fine establishment and distancing me from her husband's actions.

Then Torvac took away the goodwill I'd just earned. "Friend Arnold too weak for Champion's Mark. Friend Misk hear murmur which say Friend Arnold in danger."

Orlana's smile vanished. "Then he can stay as long as he needs."

I stared at her for a second, surprised by the switch. It was very matter-of-fact. The kind of response I'd come to expect from Torvac.

I pushed my plate away. "Champion Farentine assured me her townhouse was safe."

Torvac frowned as Orlana smiled again and reached across the table to pat my hand. "Arnold, I have never turned away any of my husband's friends when they needed my help, and I have no intention of starting now."

I opened my mouth to object.

Orlana raised her finger and glared. "After the Wizard's Academy and the palace, our home is the safest location in the Capitol. My husband is right. You're a walking target with that mark."

Torvac nodded his agreement. "This true. But Champion Farentine's home also very safe. Friend Misk taught Farentine many spells to protect it, because of library, but Frieng Arnold only safe when inside."

Farentine had given me an amulet I had to wear to enter and leave, so I already knew about the place's magical defences. They weren't impregnable, which is why she had introduced me to her neighbours this morning. Many of them were retired adventurers with adventurer children, and they watched her place while she was gone. She trusted them not to stab me in the back.

"Then I'll get a bodyguard," I said. "I really want to stay there."

Torvac frowned. "Why?"

"She gave me unrestricted access to her library. She's hoping that reading it will make me accept her offer to teach me to do what she can do."

Torvac's eyes bulged.

I'd never seen him so shocked.

Torvac turned to Orlana. "Love of Torvac's life."

"You just got home," she snapped. "You're not taking another job. Even if it will eventually give you a friend who is a skilled class advisor."

"Friend Arnold only needs Torvac during day while Orlana working."

I saw several of Torvac's children press their lips together to stop themselves from laughing as their parents began bickering.

I sighed and leaned back.

The moment I did, my salad plate was replaced with braised lamb. Whoever replaced the plate moved so quickly that I didn't even see them. I tried to figure out who had replaced it and received a lot of mischievous grins.

These people were clearly related to Torvac.

I gave up and looked down. There was no knife to cut the lamb, only a fork. The fork turned out to be enough. It cut through the meat like it was soft butter.

Orlana reached over the table and caught my wrist, stopping the food inches from my mouth. "Is this the first time you have eaten perfect meat to recover?"

I nodded. "I've been told what to expect."

Orlana sighed and let go of my wrist. "You look like a half-starved rat, so the moment you put that fork in your mouth, you will likely lose all self-control and go into a frenzy. There is nothing any of us can do to stop it, so try not to let it bother you."

The braised lamb had touched my tongue the moment she released my wrist. I barely heard what she said, because I understood how Torvac could be so upset at only being able to eat her salad. Even the greatest salad I'd ever eaten, which I had just finished, couldn't compare.

The dwarven banquet had been amazing, but this was something else. It was on the same level of perfection, but it was made for a human palate.

My body began to crave what was in front of me in an almost feral way. It was a violent, all-consuming feeling I'd never encountered before. I shovelled the next bite into my mouth, barely chewing the first. I couldn't have stopped myself even if I wanted to. It was like I was standing in the desert, and I'd found an oasis. My very survival depended on me eating what lay in front of me.

The moment my plate was empty, it was replaced with another serving of braised lamb. The next plate vanished faster than the first. Another plate took its place. And then another, and another, and another. At some point, someone said they needed to purchase more lamb, but the food kept coming, and I kept eating. I was in a frenzy, and I didn't stop gorging myself for an hour.

When I finally slowed down, my stomach was protruding, but far smaller than it should have been. I'd eaten twenty pounds of meat.

After a few seconds of confusion, I realised that the meat that wasn't sitting in my stomach was sitting on my body. It had filled out, regaining some of the muscle I'd lost after my transformation.

My stomach gurgled loudly, informing me I needed to go to the bathroom, which was the only reason I didn't keep eating. I quickly asked one of Torvac's grandchildren where the nearest one was. The restaurant turned out to have several, all of the magical variety. Travic overheard my request and gave me a friendly warning, saying that everything that was about to happen was perfectly normal.

Fifteen scary minutes later, I rushed back into the kitchen to find a mountain of bones filled with bone marrow that had been cooked to perfection. Next to the mountain was a massive tankard of broth with a gravy consistency. It had a murky white colour and a smell that made me pick it up without giving it a second thought.

While I guzzle it like Gatorade, Oliver informed me that the colour was from powdered bone. I didn't care. When I emptied the tankard, it was replaced with another, but by then I'd already started on the bone marrow.

Eating bone marrow wasn't something I'd ever done. However, my body seems to be craving it after the broth. When the bone marrow was finished, more braised lamb appeared.

Torvac's family seemed to know exactly what my body needed and when it needed it, because every time my cravings switched, what I now wanted was sitting in front of me. While I ate, my body kept filling out.

However, it wasn't until after the fourth bathroom trip that I finally felt satisfied, and the frenzy receded.

The world came back into focus, and a wave of exhaustion washed over me during the middle of their dinner rush. Half a plate of braised lamb sat before me, but I couldn't bring myself to lift my hand and eat.

I sat there frozen for nearly a minute before leaning back to pat my stomach. It felt like it had fought a buffet and won, so I needed to congratulate it on a job well done. My fingers met taut, defined muscles, and I took a proper look at my body.

I looked like I belonged on the cover of a fitness magazine. I wasn't massive like Torvac or Oliver, but I had the sort of body you only saw on professional athletes. I was covered in muscle, but none of those muscles were big enough to affect my range of motion.

I had no idea when it had all appeared.

Everything since I'd first tasted the braised lamb was a frenzied blur. The chefs saw me stop eating and slowed their pace, no longer moving with superhuman speed to keep up with their workload.

I wiped the gravy from my face with my napkin. "Sorry for the extra work."

Oliver snorted as he prepared meat for the diners. "We've done this for our father and his friends countless times. A warrior's body can go far beyond the point where it should collapse, but when it is given a chance to recover, it lets its needs be known and will not be quiet until those needs are satisfied. I'll get your bill."

Travic looked over. "Dad said lunch was on him."

Oliver winced. "Mum is going to be pissed. That was ten crowns of food."

That was once enough money for me to live at Gretel's inn for half a decade. Their prices were insane.

Oliver saw my shock out of the corner of his eye and chuckled. "Your bill is rather low for a champion. Once you raise your strength, you'll be paying a lot more."

I hesitated, but I needed to know. "How much more?"

"I saw a four hundred crown bill once. The champion was missing an arm and a leg, so it's understandable."

Farentine's advice about investing in my restaurants now seemed a lot more reasonable. "Where's Torvac?"

"Mum has him and Uncle Misk washing dishes."

"When did Misk get here?"

I couldn't remember seeing him.

"He came into the restaurant while you were eating. He was wearing an illusion, but everyone could tell it was him by his wheezing voice and coughing. I think he felt bad about not letting Dad use him as a shield, which is why he agreed to go along with his stupid plan. Mum was behind them the moment dad tried to take a bite of his dinner, so now they're washing dished."

I laughed.

Oliver laughed with me for a moment, then stopped. "I just remembered I'm supposed to tell him that you've finished eating."

Oliver put down his shortsword and hurried out of the kitchen.

Misk followed him into the kitchen half a minute later, carrying a hand mirror. He smiled when he saw me and took a seat on the other side of the bench. "I have good news, and I have bad news. Torvac felt it was best that I explain both."

"Explain what?"

Misk handed me the hand mirror. "

I stifled a yawn and pointed it at my face.

My first thought when I saw myself was that Orlana's concerns about me causing turmoil were justified. There was no trace of the gorgeous, hollow-cheeked, sunken-eyed, misunderstood poet I'd seen in the mirror these past few months. Instead, a perfected version of my old self stared back.

Only younger.

Like, double-checking my ID at a bar, and then assume it was fake, younger

Seeing my familiar features brought a smile to my face, hitting me with a pair of boyband-heart-melting dimples and teeth so white they would glow in the dark. Any Texan father whose daughter brought home a boy half as handsome and cute would find himself needing to clean his guns on the kitchen counter while his wife tried to reassure him that a teen pregnancy wouldn't ruin their daughter's future.   

Any flaws I'd once had were gone.

The face staring back at me had gone beyond the ideal version of myself. It had begun to take on that impossible quality only those with extremely high charisma possessed. I was cute, hot, and handsome, and so young I wanted to pinch my own damn cheek.

Misk gave me time to process the changes.

When I finally lowered the mirror, I only had one question. "Why do I look like me again?"

"It would appear that when you gained your champion's mark, your body lacked the resources it needed to fully transform your bone structure. Your previous appearance existed purely out of resource scarcity."

"Why didn't you say anything before?"

There was no accusation in my tone, just curiosity. Misk was the sort of person who thought through every action.

"It's unheard of for a champion to have strength as low as yours. Torvac and I honestly didn't know what to expect after you gained your mark. We also didn't want to get your hopes up when we saw how upset the changes to your appearance made you."

I considered what he'd said and tiredly nodded. "You probably made the right call."

If I thought there was a chance of getting my old appearance back, I would have convinced myself it would happen. That would have made the entire situation worse if they were wrong.

I lifted the mirror again, and my smile returned and then faded. "I look like a freaking child."

Misk chuckled. "What did you expect?"

The tone of his voice made me feel like I was missing something. Misk noticed my silence and answered my question without me needing to ask.

"Higher constitution makes you look younger. Higher strength makes you look younger. Higher charisma makes you look younger. And a champion's mark prevents your body from scarring, including sun damage, which makes you look younger. The only reason you haven't looked like you're still in your teens these past few months is that walking around half-starved ages you. You seem to forget that you have a ridiculous amount of attributes for someone in their late twenties."

I'd seen myself and everyone else getting younger as their attributes rose, but I'd never seen anyone this young, so I hadn't even considered that it could be a possibility. "Please don't tell me I'm going to look even younger when I gain my second class."

"It's unlikely, but possible. Thirteen is the youngest I've seen someone regress"

If Farentine had explained how to fix my problem, but if she had her way, I was going to be a teen heartthrob for almost a decade.

I stifled a groan. "No one is going to take me seriously."

Misk leaned across the table and patted my shoulder. "You're a self-made man, Arnold. You may see a child when you look in the mirror, but anyone of means will see a man who has achieved a great deal of success in a fraction of the time it would take others. And anyone who disregards you because of your youthful appearance isn't competent enough for you to value their opinion."

"Really?"

Misk nodded. "I'm not trying to make you feel better. I'm telling you the simple truth."

"I needed to hear that."

"That's what Torvac said."

"Did Torvac convince Orlana to let him guard me?"

"Not at first, but once you started looking like you needed adult supervision, she gave in."

Misk cackled at his own joke.

I glared back. "Don't you have dishes to wash?"