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Following The Werewolf of the USO, here is:

MAY THE OYSTERS GRIEVE, episode 1

MAY THE OYSTERS GRIEVE - episode 1

STEAM WHISTLE OF A BOAT

SOUND OF WAVES AND SEAGULLS

ANNOUNCER                Set sail for Excitement
Set sail for intrigue
Adventure is on the Horizon!

ANNOUNCER                May the Oysters Grieve, episode 1

SHIP’S BELL RINGS THE HOUR – 2BELLS 9PM

ANNOUNCER                Hot on the trail of the murderer of starlet Joanette Ferrell, Mac, Duke, Bertie, Rose (and friends Carson Drew, Kalea Kahananui, and mystery man Zorion) returned to the Silhouette Pictures set, at the Schumacher estate, in the teeth of an impending tropical storm.  Effectively trapped for the night, they split up to help weatherproof the mansion, and to search for the fugitive Antoine.

MUSIC SWELLS

SCENE 1.          CONSERVATORY

SOUND                          CRANKING, RATCHETING MACHINE

MAC                              [a little effort]  Whew!  That was pretty stuck, um….? [Asking a name]

GIDEON                        Gideon, sir. 

MAC                              I’m Mac, and this is Kal.  Just Mac, no sir.

GIDEON                        Very well, uh, Mac.

KALEA                           Need kine oil.

GIDEON                        I will make a request for some in the next budget.

KALEA                           Lil late now.

SOUND                          CREAKING AND GROANING OF MACHINE CONTINUES

SOUND                          THUMPING OF SHUTTERS CLOSING, ONE PAIR AFTER ANOTHER

MAC                              I’ve never seen anything like this!  Such a complicated apparatus, just to shut a couple dozen shutters.

GIDEON                        The Old Master was quite mechanically inclined, sir.  The house is riddled with his improvements.  Sometimes literally.

MAC                              That’s the owner?

GIDEON                        Oh, no, sir.  The Old Master died when I was rather young.  He built the house nearly a hundred years ago, when he bought the land.

KALEA                           [muttered] Figures.  The Great Māhele.

GIDEON                        The Old Master was quite the inventor.  His sons never showed such a proclivity, at least not that I ever saw.

MAC                              Who all still lives here? 

GIDEON                        [cautious]  Sir, I--

MAC                              We’ll need to know so we can make sure everyone is safely inside.

GIDEON                        Oh, of course, sir.  The household staff consists of myself and Hilda in the kitchen, and a groundskeeper and his daughter who live in a cottage at the far end of the plantation, near Miss Bethany's summerhouse.

MAC                              They’ll probably be fine in their own place.  I’m sure you’ve had weather like this before.

KALEA                           No kidding.

MAC                              And the Schumacher family?

MUSIC

SCENE 2.          KITCHEN

SOUND                          SMALL HAND CRANK NOISES, AS DUKE AND CARSON CLOSE THE SHUTTERS

HILDA                            [sips tea]  Grandfather Schumacher – that’s Peter, the only one left of his generation – will be 85, come winter.  Beatrice and Bethany, his daughters, turned 50 not too long ago.  Then there’s the young ones.  Timothy and Anthony are almost 30.

DUKE                             And lil Lulu?

SOUND                          CLATTER OF HER TEA CUP BEING SET DOWN HARD

HILDA                            [cutting him off abruptly] Have you finished with the shutters?

DUKE                             Just about done.  Why don’t you want to—

SOUND                          HILDA HEAVES HERSELF UP AND WALKS OUT, TALKING

HILDA                            [ignoring him] Come along, there’s more to close in the airing walk, the butler’s pantry, my sitting room…

CARSON                        [sarcastic]  Such interview technique!

SOUND                          THEY WALK OUT FOLLOWING HILDA

DUKE                             You wanna take a swing at getting more out of her?

CARSON                        Watch the master.

SOUND                          HE TAKES A FEW QUICK STEPS, CATCHES UP

CARSON                        Take a load off, ma’am.  [warmer]  May I call you Hilda?

HILDA                            Oh, of course.

CARSON                        You sit, Hilda.  We can handle these too.

HILDA                            You’re such nice boys.  You’ve simply saved my life.  I have a dicky heart, you know.  Can’t exert myself much these days.

CARSON                        Hey Duke, bring the lady’s cup of tea, would ya?

DUKE                             Fine.

SOUND                          DUKE TROTS OUT

CARSON                        [confidential]  I know Duke’s just gonna pester you until he gets an answer, so it’s better to say something, even if Lulu’s the black sheep of the family and all that. 

HILDA                            I just can’t.  My heart—

CARSON                        [ingratiating] Couldja just answer yes or no, maybe?  For me?

HILDA                            Maybe.  For you.

CARSON                        Ok, then, so Timothy and Anthony, they’re twins, right?

HILDA                            [slightly shaky, as if hiding something]  Uh… yes.

CARSON                        And Lulu has the same mother, right?

HILDA                            [quicker] Yes.

CARSON                        Let me guess.  Lulu ran off to Hollywood and no one will even talk to her any more.

HILDA                            [hissed] That person [haughty] is no longer a member of this family.

CARSON                        Gotcha.  Oh, look, here’s Duke with your tea.

SOUND                          DUKE WALKS IN, RATTLE OF TEACUP AND SAUCER

DUKE                             I freshened it up a bit for ya.

MUSIC

SCENE 3.          BALLROOM

SOUND                          BIGGER ROOM REVERB

BERTIE                          Turn the crank this way, Zorion, and the shutter on the outside should close.

SOUND                          CRANKING, CREAKING

ZORION                        Shutter for what?  Rain come down with no care for shutter. 

BERTIE                          Even so, they will help stop items blown about by the wind from breaking the glass, and I fancy they help keep the wind itself from blowing the windows out, though I’m not quite certain of the physics of that.

ROSE                             [fighting with a stuck crank]  Ungh.  [Annoyed tsk]  Come ON!  [wistful]  Bertie?

SOUND                          BERTIE TAKES A FEW STEPS

BERTIE                          May I?

ROSE                             Just loosen it up.  I can do the rest.

BERTIE                          Of course.  I’ll get a few of them started for you, Rose.

SOUND                          SLIGHT GRINDING, CRANK LOOSENS

SOUND                          BERTIE DUSTS HIS HANDS

SOUND                          CRANKS, ETC., CONTINUE UNDER

BERTIE                          Next.

ZORION                        We will find Amaya?  Soon?

ROSE                             Of course.  If we know one thing, it's that none of the actors can have left the house.

BERTIE                          [amending]  They could, but they have no incentive to do so.  Not with the wind and the rain rising.

ZORION                        But—

BERTIE                          [cutting in] But they will hardly appreciate returning to find the room, and all their belongings, full of broken glass and rainwater.

ROSE                             Very true.  They probably just went to find the kitchen, anyway. 

MUSIC

SCENE 4.          “DUNGEON”

SOUND                          LARRY SHAKING METAL BARS

LARRY                           [shouting himself hoarse]  Hello?  HeLLO?  HELP!!

CECILE                          [dejected]  Leave off, Larry.

SOUND                          AMAYA PACES

AMAYA                         Up is where we must go.  We came from up.  Not that way.

MARJORIE                    [snide] Listen to Amaya, the feral cat.

LARRY                           At least I’m trying to do something!

CECILE                          Trying to keep us all awake.

LARRY                           You can’t want to sleep, Cecile!  Not in a place like this!

IDA                                [practical] We’re out of the storm, aren’t we? 

LARRY                           That’s not the point, Ida!  If all you ladies would just help, we might be able to break through the lock on this door!

CECILE                          Someone’s gonna come for us.

LARRY                           [slightly hysterical]  What makes you think anyone’s even going to notice?

CECILE                          Timmy’s up there.  He’s gonna notice.  He’ll raise hell til he finds us.

MARJORIE                    [cruel] Because he cares so much about you, Seely?

CECILE                          [quiet determination]  My name is Cecile.

MARJORIE                    [deliberately goading her, using cutesy voice]  but "Seely" sounds so much cuter, doesn't it?

CECILE                          [seething, but controlling it]  Mr. Schumacher will find us because he cares so much about the picture.  He can hardly finish without you, Marjorie, at least. 

AMAYA                         Move, Lionel.  [using his character's name from the film - commanding him to a place] Here.

SOUND                          HE LETS GO OF THE BARS, AND WALKS OVER, TALKING

LARRY                           That's my character, not-- oh, whatever.  You’re not going to be able to—

AMAYA                         [growling as she runs]  Graaaah! 

SOUND                          AMAYA RUNS AT THE BARS, HITS FULL BODY, AND THEY SHAKE.

AMAYA                         [recovering with a grunt]  Hmm.  Again.

SOUND                          AMAYA KICKS UP DUST, LIKE REVVING UP FOR A CHARGE

MARJORIE                    What is wrong with her?  I’ve been meaning to ask.  Was she raised by Tarzan or something?  She’s such a savage.

IDA                                Takes one to know one, dear.

MARJORIE                    [exasperated noise]  Augh!

SOUND                          AMAYA RUNS AT THE BARS, HITS FULL BODY, AND THEY SHAKE.

AMAYA                         [recovering with a grunt] 

SOUND                          CLATTER AND GROAN AS THE BARS SWING OPEN

LARRY                           Oh my!

CECILE                          [saccharine] I’m sure you loosened them for her, Mister Maltby.

MARJORIE                    You can’t just go wandering off and leave us!  This place looks like some kind of dungeon, and I’ve made enough B pictures to know one when I see one.  At least in this cell, there’s no wild-eyed hunchback with a red hot poker or a poleaxe!

IDA                                Let’s have a look, anyway.  I’ve always had good luck with hunchbacks.

SOUND                          IDA HOPS OFF THE CRATE AND TROTS OVER TO THE DOOR

CECILE                          After you, Miss Ida.

IDA                                This is one time “ladies first” does not apply.  [commanding] Larry!

LARRY                           [very uncertain]  Umm.  Y-yes, of course.

AMAYA                         I will look.  Stay here.

SOUND                          AMAYA STALKS OFF DOWN THE HALL

MARJORIE                    Hell must have frozen over, since I can’t wait to see her again.

SOUND                          [distant]  WEIRD METALLIC SCREECH

AMAYA                         [yells, but annoyed, not hurt]  Yaah!

MUSIC

FAKE COMMERCIAL

ANNOUNCER                We've all had one of those trips: driving carelessly through luscious countryside, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, far away from the madding crowd... and run out of gas.

SOUND                          MUSIC TURNS DARK

ANNOUNCER                And what do you do if there's no help to be found for miles in any direction?  When the last sign of civilization you passed was hours ago, and was a tiny cabin with no electricity?

SOUND                          MUSIC BRIGHTENS

ANNOUNCER                If you planned ahead, you might have a full gas can, and wouldn’t spend more than a moment of inconvenience.  Farwest Aid Society for Travelers F-A-S-T  FAST!  [fast effect] is the best friend a traveler in the Pacific has.  FAST [fast effect] won't buy you gas, but it is the backup plan for everything else.  We’re there for you when your tank runs dry.

SCENE 5.          BALLROOM

SOUND                          CLUNK OF SHUTTER SHUTTING

ROSE                             Is that it?  Please tell me that’s the last one, Bertie.

BERTIE                          It certainly appears to be.  And the gallery had no windows, or none that we saw.

ZORION                        Now find Amaya?

ROSE                             Any objection? 

BERTIE                          As long as we can take care of any windows we come across, along the way. 

ROSE                             Is it a deal, Zorion?

ZORION                        [confused]  Deal?

ROSE                             [sighs] Just come on.

SOUND                          SHE OPENS DOOR

ZORION                        [commanding] Follow!

SOUND                          ZORION’S BARE FEET DASH AHEAD, THE OTHERS FOLLOW

BERTIE                          It’s as if he can sense the way.

ROSE                             He does claim to be part wolf.

SOUND                          THEY FOLLOW OUT OF BALLROOM, CHANGE OF ROOM SOUND

SOUND                          CLICK, LIGHT SWITCH

ROSE                             Good thing the lights work.  I don’t fancy running around these dark halls with a candelabra in hand.

BERTIE                          [chuckles]  Like a bally gothic novel.

ZORION                        This way. 

SOUND                          HIS BARE FEET, A FEW STEPS, THEN HE STOPS, SHUFFLES A BIT

ZORION                        No.  [confused] Here?

SOUND                          A FEW MORE STEPS

ZORION                        [surprised]  Gone. 

BERTIE                          [mild] Gone?

ROSE                             There’s three ways to go, here.  Which way did they choose?

ZORION                        [confused and upset] None. 

MUSIC

SCENE 6.          CONSERVATORY

SOUND                          RACHETS AND MACHINERY STILL GOING

SOUND                          SLAMMING SHUTTERS ONE AFTER ANOTHER UNTIL NOTED

MAC                              Impressive.  Especially if, as you say, it was built a hundred years ago.

GIDEON                        The Old Master was most handy.  His wife was very interested in botany - he designed this room just for her.

KALEA                           You keep care of the flowers here?

GIDEON                        No, sir.  Our groundskeeper and his daughter look after these.  Master Peter still cares for his precious orchids in the room above, though.

KALEA                           He old as you say, he lolo [crazy], go on up that steep metal stair?

GIDEON                        No one uses that death trap, sir.  Don’t pass along that I called it that, if you please.  No, Master Peter had a door put through from the second floor shortly after his father’s death.  Back around the turn of the century.

MAC                              [amused]  There was no other way up but the ladder, previous to that?

GIDEON                        The Old Master did not always take – ahem – convenience into consideration when he designed the house.

SHORT SILENCE

KALEA                           Orchids?  Takes work.

GIDEON                        Master Peter is very … passionate… about his flowers.

MAC                              Any windows up there we need to worry about? 

GIDEON                        No, sir.  The machinery should be finishing with the upper panels right about now…

SOUND                          ONE LAST SHUTTER CLOSING, A FEW TICKS, WINDS DOWN

GIDEON                        [slight chuckle]  And this room is secure.  If you will follow me, gentlemen, we ought to return to the grand foyer, to see if anyone else needs assistance.

MAC                              After you.

MUSIC

SCENE 7.          KITCHEN

SOUND                          HILDA POURS TEA, SIPS

SOUND                          CARSON AND DUKE WALK BACK IN

HILDA                            Finally done?

DUKE                             Finally?  We been doing a pretty durn good job, if you ask me.

CARSON                        He’s just grumpy cuz he smacked his funny bone.  You need anything else, ma’am?

HILDA                            No, no.  [idea]  Though you might just fetch me down the big platters from the shelf, right up there.  I’ll be up half the night preparing breakfast for so many people.

DUKE                             We would love to help, but [hinting] we gotta get back with Mac and find out what’s up.

CARSON                        I’m sure we can send someone in here to help, later, but Duke’s right, we should go.

HILDA                            It’s fine.  I’m perfectly capable of [gasps]  oh! 

CARSON                        What?

DUKE                             [muttered] Leave it.

HILDA                            Just a little flutter.  I’ll manage.  Go on now, and leave me to all this work.

DUKE                             Come on.  The lady said go.

SOUND                          CARSON AND DUKE WALK OUT

MUSIC

SCENE 8.          HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE GRAND FOYER

SOUND                          DOOR OPENS, LEFT

SOUND                          MAC AND KALEA WALK IN

KALEA                           They run this whole house with two really old servants?

MAC                              Plus the groundskeeper and his daughter.  Even if he’s as old as they are, she must be closer to her prime.

BETHANY                      [panicky] Who are you?

MAC                              Mac and Kal, Ma’am.  We met you in the grand foyer a little while ago?

BETHANY                      [breathlessly timid] I’m afraid you’re mistaken.  I’ve never seen either of you before.  Why are you here?

MAC                              I’m sorry we startled you.  Our car broke down, and the rain forced us to seek shelter.  As I said, I’m Mac, and this is Kal.  [guessing] Are you Timothy’s aunt?

BETHANY                      You know Timmy?  Oh, that’s not so bad, then.  Yes, I’m his aunt Bethany.  I don’t usually stay here at the big house.  [oddly anguished]  I don’t like it!

KALEA                           If there’s anything we can do to make you feel safer, just say.

BETHANY                      [genuine] Thank you Kal?  It’s not just Kal, is it?

KALEA                           Kalea Kahananui.  But most haole find Kal easier.

BETHANY                      Of course they do.  [a moment, then] I must go check on something, but I will come to you if I need anything, Kalea.  [to Mac]  You too.

SOUND                          SHE TROTS OFF

MAC                              [chuckle] I’m not used to being dismissed so easily.  She likes you, though.

KALEA                           [pleased but puzzled]  Some ladies, right?

MAC                              I can see now she’s not the same woman we met when we arrived.  Twins must run in the Schumacher family, along with the red hair.  But the first one, Beatrice—

BEATRICE                      [from behind them]  Yes?

MAC                              [startled but recovering quickly]  Oh, ma’am.  You snuck up on us.  I was just saying that you were more... regal in your bearing and your sister Bethany was more … timid.

BEATRICE                      That’s a kind way to put it.  She is the odd one.  [overly warm] Were you coming back to check on us, Mac?

MAC                              [trying to avoid her advance]  We were figuring it’s time to get everyone together and make sure everything's been handled.

BEATRICE                      [vamping Mac]  Once that’s done, maybe I could show you the rest of the house.  Let you really get a good look at everything. 

MAC                              [uncomfortable]  I-uh I’ll have to see where – I mean what all’s happening before I can make any promises.  [rushing] Let’s go back on into the hall?

BEATRICE                      Of course, come along.

SOUND                          SHE SWEEPS PAST THEM

KALEA                           [whispered to Mac]  You got a real shot, there, bruddah.

MAC                              Shh!!

MUSIC

SCENE 9.          GRAND FOYER

SOUND                          DUKE AND CARSON ENTER

DUKE                             Five’ll get you 20 I’m on the money.  I had a neighbor just like her, growing up.  Always ailing just enough so other folks’d do her work for her.

CARSON                        At Hilda's age, you can’t say she doesn’t deserve some help.

DUKE                             And when Miss Beryl got herself a grudge, she wouldn’t never let up.  I hope Lulu didn’t have to live here long with that old biddy on at her all the time.

CARSON                        She—

LULU                             [out of nowhere]  That’s sweet of you. 

CARSON                        What--?

DUKE                             Hey!  I didn’t mean to be talking behind your back or nothing.  We just didn’t see ya up there on the stairs.

LULU                             [rueful laugh]  It’s fine.  I should have warned you not to ask too many questions.  Especially about me.

DUKE                             It’s not fine, lessen you did something really bad and deserve it.

LULU                             If you ask her, I’m sure she’ll—

DUKE                             [cuts her off] Didja kill someone?  Run off with the family fortune?  What? 

CARSON                        You ran off to Hollywood.  Big deal.

LULU                             There’s more to it than that.  But no, I never did anyone any actual harm.  I just chose my own selfish needs over theirs. 

CARSON                        You can’t let your family rule your life.

SOUND                          BEATRICE ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY MAC AND KAL

BEATRICE                      Here’s your friends, and— um-- [pause, not mentioning Lulu] Where are the rest of them?

SOUND                          MAC MOVES QUICKLY INTO THE ROOM, AWAY FROM BEATRICE

MAC                              [quickly]  Everything handled in back, Duke?

DUKE                             We got every window we could find.

CARSON                        Sealed up tight.

MAC                              Have you seen Rose?

DUKE                             Bertie’s with her, she’ll be fine.

SOUND                          AT RIGHT - DOOR FLUNG OPEN, DRAMATICALLY

SOUND                          BERTIE STORMS IN, FOLLOWED BY ZORION’S BARE FEET

BERTIE                          Is she here?

MAC                              As if on cue.  [sharp] Tell me you don’t mean Rose?

ZORION                        Rose near, then gone.

BERTIE                          I say, Mac.  [hesitant]  It was rather like she just… vanished.

MUSIC TO CLOSING

ANNOUNCER                Rose missing?  Again?  Perhaps she’s reunited with the lost actors?  But where are they?  And what happened to Amaya?  Where is Tony hiding?  What did Lulu do that was so unforgiveable?  And what other ingenious mechanical oddities might be lurking in the walls of the Schumacher Mansion?

END